Where I am on Tuesday

I've been in a funk for the past several days. It's mostly money worries. I'm again in that uncomfortable position of being inches away from foreclosure again, and the car company isn't too happy with me either. I'm broke as a joke, and I don't even have enough orders on the board and/or billed out to get me out of the bind.

I think I get this way every year. I make my peace with losing the house and getting the car repo'd. I try to be thankful that I have places I can stay until I can get back on my feet again, though my credit will be shot to hell until my daughter is in her teens. I think I can drive a crappy car, and maybe rent a trailer someplace out in the sticks, or live with my parents, which is devastating to my pride. The plain fact is that I don't have the cash flow to meet my needs, and while I'm still trying to score more jobs my concern is that none of 'em are going to arrive in time.

I hate to lose my house, ya know? If I have to, though, I'm taking my trees with me. I think the main reason I have to see it go is because I feel like I'm taking it away from my daughter. I'm sure I'm making it worse than it is, though. We moved plenty when I was a kid and it was always kind of exciting. I have no objection to a smaller house anymore, either. I'd rather have this golden albatross off my shoulders now, ya know? It's just to the point where it's taking what feels like ALL my money these days. I've contacted Homevestors, too - we'll see how that goes.

> 30 minute break <

OK - that went badly. I'd lose $40K on that deal. Nevermind.

I could ask for help. I could ask my friends. I could ask my family. I could ask the church, but I don't to want to keep shaking them down for money, which I feel like I'm doing, even though it's OK to ask for help when you need it. I'm still having a hard time asking for financial help, though.

The problem is that I can't give a definite date as to when I'll be able to pay them back, and I already still owe a hell of a lot of money. Odds are I'll get at least one more big order before the end of the year, but I can't guarantee it. I hate not having that kind of control over my financial stuff. I miss not having a steady paycheck. Even if I take two (or likely three) extra jobs, it still might be a hazy, unforeseeable date, and I feel like I've already borrowed enough, ya know? Maybe it's just time to face the consequences of trying to work a job without a steady paycheck for the past six years and lose some assets. Isn't that how it works?

Instead of drinking (which I've done WAY too much of lately) I'm spending more and more time in the garage instead. I don't want to trade in one addiction for another, ya know? For the past several night I've been restoring a German (though I've been totally unable to identify it online thus far) bayonet that a bad guy once pulled on my dad. I've cleaned the corrosion off of & repainted the scabbard & removed the rust & 99% of the pitting from the bayonet itself, and now I just need to re-make the grips, as the original plastic ones did not survive being removed. I want to make some nice wood ones, but I lack the tools to do so. Maybe I can borrow them from my Dad or something.

I also got bored and made myself a 12" throwing knife last night, too.

It's rough & very ugly, but it works and punches through a 1/2" plywood sheet very easily when properly thrown, which I'm a little rusty at. I find it a little disconcerting that I'm making weapons in my garage in my spare time, but I guess it beats self-medicating. To tell you the truth, I'm a little creeped out by my own behavior here. I think I'm gonna make three more tonight, mostly because I can. I could make much nicer ones if I had a grinding wheel and some nice, sharp drill bits. Maybe next week I'll make myself a nice spear. Hell - if I can't buy all the weapons I want, maybe I can compensate my making them myself. It least it keeps me out of the bars, as my dad used to say.

I know my attitude is pretty terrible, too. I'm having a really hard time feeling grateful for much. I always manage to find the downside. It goes something like, and this should illustrate how self-centered I'm being right now.

I'm grateful for:

My salvation (which is about I feel like I'm getting out of my relationship with God these days)

My daughter (whom I feel like I never get to see)

My recovery (though I wish I could still self medicate some days, like today. It makes you feel better for a little while, ya know? I'm only like 15 days from my 6-month chip, though, so I'm not gonna.)

My family (who either lives on another continent or is moving off of this one)

My home (that I'm about to lose)

My health (even though I'm on three prescription drugs, I need a physical, a trip to the dentist, and I have two scraped knees, a pulled groin muscle and a bruised tailbone. At least I don't have cancer, though it runs on both sides of my family so it's probably only a matter of time. Let's be real here.)

My car (that I'm about to lose)

My CR friends (who love me - that's a good one, but I can't find their damn phone numbers)

My job (which has payed less than jack shit this month, and is forcing me to find a few more to close the gap)

I'm not going to get into any dating stuff here.

Good GAWD, I'm whiny today. And I've been whiny for the past week or two. Or four.

I am glad that God's going to take care of me, though, no matter what. I don't like much of what's going on lately, but at least I know He's going to meet my needs, and my daughter's too.

Maybe I need to pray more.
Maybe I need to be more grateful.
Maybe this is just a season of life sucking ass.

Either way, I know God's still going to take care of me, and I take comfort in that.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "Plans for good and not for destruction, plans to give you a future and hope."

Or something like that, right?

Guys, I'm going to enable comments again, mostly so I can get the encouragement (that I need and appreciate and thrive on) from my family and my friends that read this blog. If you don't have anything encouraging to say, or if you just want to pick a fight with somebody else here, keep it to yourself, OK?

I went back and deleted several comments from all sides, just to be fair. I don't want to keep a record of some of the bickering that's gone on here. It's nothing that I want to be able to go back and read, because I will. It by no means is an attempt to cover up or hide anything that's happened here, because it did happen (in front of how ever many witnesses there were to it). I just don't want to keep a pile of what I consider to squabbling (which is unheathy for me) around. I hope you guys all understand.

On a final note, if you have some unresolved issue with me personally, or it want to pick a fight with me personally, let me know and we'll just meet face-to-face and put an end to it once and for all. This Internet pot-shot is some chickenshit stuff, and is cowardly behavior. If you have a beef with me, at least man up about it and quit being such a pussy. (Sorry for that one, ladies.)

OK - that's all for today.

166.