I'm ready to go back to work and get the hell away from the crap I've gotten to deal with on my days "off".

Monday: Fight computer all day. Work goes slower than planned. Frustration builds.

Tuesday: Electricity gets cut off; all work stops. Frustration increases.

Wednesday: Power remains off most of the day. Toni misses visitation with our kiddo to catch up on work. I buy necessary part at Best Buy, attempt to install after visitation. 3 1/2 hours later, 3 calls to INDIA (tech support) still no luck. I am dangerously close to throwing it so I quit for the night before I have to replace it.

I also saw a girl in Best Buy that came pretty close to triggering me, but I got out of there before I did anything stupid. I didn't expect that, especially with my kid in tow. And all of this on the same day I was telling Toni how I'm really not visually stimulated anymore. Hah - apparently there's a set of stimuli I was unaware of, and would have been happy to remain ignorant of.

You know - there's really nothing specific (about the girl) that did it, either. Maybe it's just a vibe or an aura that does it. Or maybe it was a combination of things - none of which I'm going to write about so I don't re-hash it. Generally if there's one specific element that does it I can usually go back and figure out where in my memory banks I encountered a similar or identical element that served as a trigger for me. My first guess - her tattoo.

Either way, I haven't told Toni yet, so she'll get to find about it here, just like you guys. Fortunately, I'll only be about ten feet away.

I hate computers. I hate the internet. I hate hardware, software, routers, and wireless everything. I've also begun to hate french fries, hamburgers and soda. All I want is Chinese food, and we haven't been paid in three weeks. Yay self-employment, and thank you Cinemark for your bi-weekly pittance.

The Bronco went gimpy in the starter-transmission area but it'll only cost about $400 to fix. I've decided not to be very upset about it, as it's cheap compared to a car payment. Odds are I can scrape it up in the next few weeks, and after that it'll be up & running again.

On the good side, I got adjusted at the chiropractor today for free, and I got to see our daughter. Toni cleaned our room and a lot of the house. Power is back on, and everybody's fundamentally healthy. Toni and I are getting along much better after a few bad (but necessary) fights. I have our daughter this weekend and I have at least one full day off, and on "COPS" they're trying to extract a pig from an abandoned house, so it's not all bad.

I need a haircut, as it's getting long and shaggy.

Ugh - I'm tired and I'm going to wrap this up, as I don't have a lot to say aside from whining and complaining, which becomes tiresome. I do want to point out and say that Toni's been working really hard this week, and we're catching up up nicely.

I also think we can start looking at buying a one-acre lot here before the end of they year. Glory be, man. More on that as it develops.

....and hey - a whole blog entry without profanity. Nice, huh?

Also - the Flower Mound city council elections are way overboard and have put a really nasty taste in my mouth for all of them.

And the comments are back on, because I don't want to muzzle you guys if you have something pertinent to say.

Thursday - 799

I gave blood on Sunday - it was nice.

I spent most of today (and all of tonight) in some kind of mildly aggravated state. I fought with my computer. Transferring files from drive to laptop. Full OS reinstall. Download & reinstall all the drivers. Ultimately, I lost, but I scored a moral victory. The Verizon tech comes tomorrow because ultimately, there's not a strong enough signal to assign my computer a new IP address, and the problem is between the outside box & the router. I wish they had discovered that last time I called in a few weeks ago.

....and now I'm going to wrap it up and spend some time with Toni. Nothing new aside from that, or if there is I'm too tired to think of it.

795 for Sunday.

sweet jeebus

I probably need to clarify a few things, as I think a few of you guys might have missed the point of my last blog.

A) I'm not mad at Toni. I was pissy because Toni talked during Avatar and I wanted to watch it. That was it - I "forgave" her (I put it in quotations because it was such a teeny, insignificant thing to get irritated at) within a few hours of her "offense". Seriously - that was the only thing I was bent about, and it after about 120 minutes I was over it.

A-1) When I treat Toni like crap, she lets me know, and we hash it out until we get it resolved. Sometimes it gets ugly, but there's never any name calling or personal attacks, and though we fight pretty viciously, we fight clean. For the record, I think our living situation has a lot to do with our tension level, and while we are and will continue to be grateful to God and to those who have so generously and unselfishly provided for us, when we get our own place I think it'll take the edge off of both of us.

A-2) As far as our marriage goes, we're doing fine. Nobody is going to leave, and we're not headed for a divorce. Some of your people need to get that through your fucking skulls.

(Toni told me not to put in that last part, but I did it anyway because I've had about enough discussion about how healthy our marriage is. And please don't tell me I'm in denial about it - I know quite a bit about denial, and I can honestly say that any problems we are encountering are being attacked with ferocity - and together.)

B) I'm not holding grudges against anybody for anything as far as I know. When I went through my 12 step I forgave a lot of people for a lot of things, and my life's way too short to piss it away being mad at people for stuff they did, or that I think they did.

C) There's people I don't like, but that's not the same as holding a grudge or not forgiving them. I'm allowed to not like people.

D) I'm stressed about work stuff and money stuff, but there's a difference between situations and people.

I'm killing the comments here, too, at least for a while. Let me explain why.

#1) I'm tired of people telling me what they think I need to do, especially when A) you have a giant plank in your own eye - planks are really hard to miss, by the way - and are trying to pick a splinter out of mine and B) they really don't have the depth of relationship necessary to have my permission to speak anything into my life. I have my accountability network, and 99% of you folks aren't in it.

#2) If I find out people are commenting I tend to go back and read them, or worse - I piss away valuable work or family time checking and re-checking throughout the day to see what was said. To me that feels like unnecessary drama, and as of late after I say what I had to say here I'm pretty much done with it. If something comes up where I need or want input, I'll enable comments, but until then this is going to end up a listen-only blog. If you guys want to read my rantings and ravings - warts, dysfunction, profanity, glaring character defects, whining self-flagellation, self-centeredness and all, you are more than welcome to keep reading. I'm glad you're here. I know it's often like a grisly car crash here - you don't want to look, but you can't rip your eyes away from the carnage. Truthfully, I sometimes treat you guys like crap here - I hope you'll forgive me for it.

Anyway, that's it.

791 for Thursday

What do you do when you get mad at something or somebody, only to figure out that you're not really mad at them (or at that), and yet you cannot figure out a way to alleviate that anger?

Forgive that person? For what - they didn't do anything wrong to you or anybody else, so I feel like there's nothing to forgive. Release it? I'm having a hard time with that, as I don't know why I'm angry or what I'm angry about.

I had something petty that made me angry, but that was several hours ago. I'm not angry about that, anymore. Forgiveness, release - done. But that anger still sits.

Odds are I'm mad about something I can't control; something I want to control but can't. I think it must be work related; orders aren't going out as fast as I want them to. I can't make anybody work faster, harder or more often, and I have to be real and admit that I'm allowing that to really cause me to feel stress and anger - a lot of anger. I'm angry I can't control that. I feel stress because I feel like I'm disappointing clients - clients that the business (and, by extension, my family) need to get by, to move forward, to live the life that not only I think we ought to live, but that my wife and I agreed upon, and are working so hard to accomplish. And guess what - we need every single client we have. We're still trying to recover from losing out number 3 client last year. I feel like it's all my responsibility, and that I can't accomplish it on my own, or if I could just do without sleep or working at the theater I probably could. It's profoundly frustrating, man, to not be able to do it all yourself. And for me it's irritating that I can't force others to do what I want them to, work wise; to feel like I can't compel them to do what I know (or at least feel) in my gut needs to get done.

On a lesser note, I dragged Toni to see "Avatar" and it seems to have been a pretty big disappointment. I'm glad I didn't pay to see it, and I feel bad because I feel like I wasted her time.

And so when I got home I spent three hours pouting and watching TV shows I didn't want to watch, because I wanted to be by myself and work. I wanted to act out out of anger but not badly enough to actually consider it. I packed boxes and watched the '86 version of "The Fly". Then I blogged. I'm hoping I wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

789 for Tuesday

I had another blog written, but it sucked. In one sentence, it was this: I've been tense and frustrated because we're not out on our own yet, and Toni's generally the closest one for me to bark at. It's a lame thing for me to do, taking my frustrations out on her, even though (or especially when) I can rationalize it by saying (and believing) that it's for us. Even if (from my perspective) I'm only to accelerate our getting out of my folks house, which is our Number One Goal, it's still not right for me jump her case when she isn't doing what I want her to, when I want her to do it, in the time frame I want. The super-short version? I can still be a jerk. So.... there's that.

I also had a blog about whether or not gun owners were all secretly afraid of something, hence the tendency to hold fast to their firepower, but as soon as I wrote it I saw how stupid it looked. There's a difference between fear and the desire (or maybe duty is a better word) to protect what's yours, including your life, your family, and your property, especially when the foundation of your country guarantees you that right, right behind the right to say what you want. I think a sense of duty is a hell of a better motivator than fear. I think Obama had it wrong on that one, though if the pro-gun crowd is afraid of anything, it's our own government. I think they're going in a bad direction on several fronts, and I'll admit- it makes me want to stock up on ammo a little. I mean seriously - if they're making decisions this stupid, I don't know if I trust them to A) not run it so far into the ground that it collapses and B) take care of me and my family afterwards. Is that acting out of a spirit of fear, or am I just paying attention?

Also, at the risk of sounding like a girl, I feel fat today and I think I'm just about at the point where I'm willing to start fighting my gut with full abandon. I also think my daughter thinks I'm fat, which I don't like.

Oh - if you're faithful in pulling out your tithe, does it matter if you pull it out after you pay some other bills? I know it should be first, but church is on Sunday and I have to use the card before then. Thoughts?

And one more thing: Please, please, America - stop saying "baby" after things that in no way involve infants? I'll give you the most egregious example: "Vegas, baby!"

Can we retire the superflous "baby", America?

Anyway, that's it for today.

785, for Thursday

Well, I have about 30 minutes while the tests sit in the leak finding solution, and it's either blog or watch another 30 minutes of "Family Guy", so here we are.

Work is getting caught up, though I'd have to say it could be going better. Please allow me to spill my guts all over you guys. Hell - it's been a while, and I suppose stuff stores up on you.

Part I: Two-Stage with a light 2.5 lb draw with a clean break - or - A New Trigger

In the past, when my addiction has been triggered, it's been like being struck; a fast onset, an overwhelming urge, a dump of adrenaline, rapid breathing and a pounding heart, sometime accompanied by the shakes and/or lightheadedness. Now, I have a new one, and I'll try to explain it. I don't know if it's worse, but it's definitely a trigger.

So I was driving home on Saturday night, thinking about how I'm getting better at not remembering past sexual experiences. I don't know if I was subconsciously patting myself on the back or trying to see if that's still a dangerous area (meaning memories are still 100% vivid and will serve as an instant trigger) for me, but either way in trying evaluate if I still had more specific memories and if so, how painful (or powerful) they were I feel like I spilled something and I couldn't get away from it.

Imagine that you're standing by a closed door. On the other side of the door is a swimming pool filled with black water. Now, you haven't jumped into the black water for a very long time, and you take a lot of care to make sure that you stay away from the pool. You don't look at the pool. You don't talk about it, and you definitely don't get near it. You don't approach the sides, and you don't look at pictures of the pool of get near the pool when nobody else is around. If you have to walk by the pool on the way to work, you stare at your feet, because you know that the poo is death. and yet, a teeny part of you wants really to jump in the pool and see how far down you can go. It's always there, and it's sad, but there it is.

So, Saturday night, I'm standing on my side of the door when I start wondering if I can remember what the tile on the bottom of the pool looks like. The instant that I realize that I can still remember, black water begins to pour into the room from under the door, and you feel it start.

Instead of that immediate flash, it's like being lowered feet-first into a hot tub. You feel warm, relaxed, like somebody just put a nice hot plate of your favorite food in front of you, and brain seeps like your mouth waters. Suddenly, all your hard work doesn't matter. Everything is a good idea. Your ears are warm, and your face flushes. Your arms relax, your legs relax. Everything is nice. And yet - you can't stop the black water from rising. And what's more - you don't care. More and more black, opaque water rises, staining your clothes and your skin black, and it's flowing faster than you can turn it off. You don't even know where the on/off switch is - and there's no drain.

All this in about three seconds.

Now - I have a battle plan when I get triggered the "old" way. It hit hard and it hit quick, but it passed quick, and I could handle that. It wasn't any worse than a biting cold wind. These new ones? They just stick around, man. It's like having a cold, thin layer of tar attach itself to your brain. You can't scrape it off, nor dissolve it with chemicals. No release. No pacifying it. No out-waiting it, and it attacks you in your sleep, too, making you nervous to dream, because you know that you want the dreams, even though you know they're bad for you. The latest one? It stemmed from stuff from the 90's, man.

Anyway, I need to get clearance from my wife before I write the next two parts, though the short version is it's A) messing with out relationship a bit and B) I've been a short-tempered, critical ass as of late, and while it's taken a lot of digging to figure out why (and I think I have) none of it makes a difference and no reason makes it right.

Anyway, I don't know if she's going to give it, but I'm damn sure not going to say anything else without her permission.

Sorry to leave 2/3 of my angst unspoken.

784, for Wednesday

OK - it's been too long already

My computer is down, and I've been away from the internet since last weekend. I'm kind of surprised how easy it's been to stay away and ignore the computer. Now I wish I didn't have e-mail to answer.

Apparently it's going to take a few hours to fix my computer. I'm not going to monkey with it until next week because I have stuff to do and the internet isn't as important as it used to be. I'm a LOT more productive without it. I'm using Toni's laptop until I get mine back up.

Recovery-wise I'm doing pretty good. The weather is warmer and there's a lot more skin showing, and I still have to stick with the basics and keep doing what I've always done and bounce my eyes. It gets a bit tricky at work when I can't look at a customer, but I'm not going to stop doing it.

I have a chapped lip. Oscar keeps rubbing against my leg and getting hair on the A&D ointment I have on it, but I'm taking it as a compliment. We've been putting in 12-14 hour days at our little company for the last three days. I put nine hours at the theater today and tonight I'm going to work until I get this massive order out the door.We're trying to get the board cleared by the end of next week, and we'll get pretty close.

I have to admit I'm enjoying living my life without worrying what anybody is gonna think or say here. HA - maybe ignorance is bliss when it's other people's not knowing that makes you happy. I was thinking that I've been inviting a LOT of input I'm not sure I want anymore. I think that creating that distance between myself and others has allowed me to focus more on my wife and our relationship, and that's been a good thing.

Anyway, now that we're all caught up, I want to talk about words. Particularly, profanity seems particularly vulnerable. I have two points here:

#1) Society can change and cause words can lose their impact. For example, when I was a little kid "bastard" was a bad word. As I understand it, it meant that your Dad and your mom weren't married when they had you. I guess that's a slam against your family. Today, however, I think that word has lost all meaning. I mean, if your parents aren't married when you're born, does anybody care anymore? Hell - I know a LOT of bastards and I really like them. I don't think bastard is really worth anything anymore.

#2) Who is the governing authority that decides what's a cuss word? Take, for example, the many words for human excrement.

A) Poo-Poo: this word it taught to our children at a very young age.
B) Poop: a shortened version of poo-poo
C) Crap: same thing, but somehow this is worse than poop
D) Shit: same thing as crap, poop, and poo-poo, yet this one is profanity.

Who made that decision?

I know there's a verse in the Bible that says "Let no unclean word come from your mouth" or something like that, but who decides what words are unclean? I don't know how to answer that one. I don't know that God has a lit of words that you aren't supposed to say. I think he measures your heart and the intent behind the words you use. Does that make sense to anybody else?

Anyway, it's been a week and that's about the only worthwhile thing I managed to come up with. I don't know if it's sad, or funny, or neither, but I sure got a lot of work done this week :-)

779 days sober, for Friday.