Uh...Tuesday.

I don't know what to write about today. Business is OK, and we're just barely squeaking by, but that's OK. Big Things are just around the corner, and God's gonna take care of us.

I'm debating taking another job temporarily.

Toni's debating switching jobs.

We're both applying to be cops in November. I don't think I'll be selected, but I think she will. Personally, I think she's a shoo-in, and that's from the perspective of a former background investigator, not her fiancee.

I'm not sure why I'm re-applying. I have no reasonable expectation of being hired, really. There's an expression that says this: If you have skeletons in your closet, you'd better teach them to dance. Unfortunately, I've got some really ugly skeletons, and they just state stonily back at me and occasionally horrify the folks that don't know my story. There's not much I can do about that, man.

Now, don't get me wrong - not everybody freaks out. In fact, a few folks have even shown me genuine love and compassion and encouragement when I've revealed my deepest and darkest skeletons, and expressed their perspective that, knowing my story, it's even a little understandable. I remember these times thankful to God for putting these people around me when I needed them the most. It's largely because of them that I've been able to really experience the healing from these old, terrible wounds, and been able to lay down the guilt and shame that I had been carrying for years. I thank God for that.

There are, though, always consequences for your actions, even years - and decades - later on, and there's no escaping those. I can also see that my character defects would likely have gotten the best of me eventually, though, and that would have been big trouble. So I'm thankful to God for sparing me from myself in that regard.

I still miss being a cop, though. I was good at it, I think. I loved it. It was my passion, and I guess it still is, even though I can't do it anymore. And really, even though I still think about it a lot, I think I've made my peace with not being one.

But sometimes I still think this: I'm a different person than I used to be. I'm a new creation. I'm healthier in every respect of the word. And though I'm still flawed, broken and imperfect, I'm better than I was. Right?

The way I see it, though, God is a God of miracles. So, believing that, do I try again, believing that God is both a God of miracles and second (and third, fourth, fifth, sixtieth, seventy-times-seven) chances, or do I quit banging my head against the door He seems to have shut for me?

I accept the fact that God might not want me to be a cop anymore. Apparently, He hasn't wanted me wearing a badge since May of 2000. And as much as I hate to admit it, some days that still gets to me a little. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be a cop. In fact, it's the one job I think I'd walk away from my current job for. (I'd still do it on the side, though.) I miss it every day.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I recognize (now) that it's our relationship to God that defines us, and not what we do or what others say about us, and certainly not what we think of ourselves; I get that, both intellectually and emotionally. No problem there.

But I stil think that MY God, the one who fed thousands of people with one loaf of bread and two pieces of fish, cast out demons, healed the sick, made the lame walk, made the blind see, walked on water and raised the dead is fully capable of getting me a job that I love - and that I certainly can't get on my own.

So, in light of all that, do I keep trying to get a job as a cop, hoping against hope that God gives me a second chance, and doing something that only HE could do, thereby bringing another demonstrating His glory and divine will and higher purpose (not to mention His ability to work miracles, which it would totally be), or do I just keep plugging along up here at work, hoping it gets better and take the job at the apartment complex picking up the garbage and power-washing the hornets nests for less than I pay my people an hour and get a discount on rent?

I dunno, man. I guess we'll see what happens. Hah - again with having a lot of questions and no real answers. At least not right now, anyway.

I was going to talk about I don't like my fiancee working nights, but I don't guess it matters. She already feels bad about it, and I don't want to add to her troubles. I'm finding ways to keep myself busy (and out of trouble) but I sure liked it better when I wasn't at home by myself at nights.

Meh - that's it for today.

229

No blog today

Everything is cool. I had a great weekend, especially Sunday. I had something indescribably weird happen yesterday, but I'm not sure if it's worth going into. Anyway, you guys have a good one - I have to get back to work.

228

I think this will appeal to precisely one of you, but.....

....here's a clip of the drum corp I play with, recorded on the steps of the Capital Building in Austin last year. Enjoy:

On a totally unrealated note, I just read several academic notes about Dante's Inferno.

That's a disturbing piece of literature, there.

I love Facebook.

I'm talking to my old friends again. It's been almost 20 years. Man - sometimes you don't know how bad you missed these folks until you hear from 'em again, and see how nice they still are.

Today I feel great. I have a nice, productive weekend planned, and I have something wonderful every weekend for the next six weeks. How cool is that? I love having something to look forward to.

CR tonight, and I'm stoked about going.

Work is plugging along OK.

I'm learning my drum corp music, and it's going pretty well, too. I missed playing rather badly, I think. It's so nice to have something where you can just relax and not have anything else to think about, and let all your troubles fade away for a few hours. Plus, it's fun.

I'm going to try and go shooting on Oct 11th or 12th, I think. I need to teach Toni some basic combat pistolcraft and some basic shotgun before I show her some tactical shotgun stuff. I'm looking forward to going.

I fould a place online to get reaqlly inexpensive glasses, which is good because I dropped mine a few days ago and chipped a big 'ol chunk out of the edge of right lens. Zach is a bad mammer-jammer for findig this ocular goldmine.

That's it today. I feel 10 feet tall, and I'm going to enjoy it.

225

I don't know where to go today, really

As I've said before, I'm once again in a place that feels a little strange to me. I mean, don't get me wrong - it's a good place to be, but after re-doing my 4th step in an effort to rid myself of some of those resentments, I feel a little strange today. I feel like I've been carrying around a great big weight (entirely my own weight, by the way) and now that I've put it down (hopefully for the last time) I'm at a place where I can start to really move forward in that particular aspect of my life and do a much better job of looking forward instead of looking backwards, to the side, over my shoulder or on the internet.

And for what it's worth, a resentment isn't a necessarily hateful thing. (At least it wasn't in this case.) Oftentimes, it can be a collection of hurts that you haven't addresed, which was 99.9% of my list. And let me be really clear on this - the party that I was holding my "resentments" towards was in no way responsible for (or even aware of) their existance. That's usually the case, by the way. When we carry those things around, those resentments, those hurts - they only affect us, and nobody else.

However, once you take the first few steps....

....admit you're hurt and you can't fix it on your own
....decide you think God can fix it
....decide to let him

....then you can start to see how that pile of hurts you didn't know you had has been messing up your life for weeks, months, or in my case, over a year, and maybe more.

And it's weird how hurts can go retroactive on you, too. Upon digging a little - and being really, really honest - I discovered that things that had occured in 2005 were now really, really painful, mostly because the memory was just too much for me to think about anymore.

And don't get me wrong on this either - somethimes what was once a great and wonderful set of experiences and memories turns (unwillingly) into the most painful set of wounds of all after the relationship ends, and in the end, that's nobody's fault.

I've been here before several times, to be sure. There's an aspect of recovery that says that anytime an addict starts to turn away from his natural set of behaviors and begins to turn towards normalcy it feels odd to him (or her) because what's normal for everybody else is quite alien to an addict, and vice versa.

Even after being here several times before, in one capacity or another, it always feels strangely hollow once you've made the transition, like going from a noisy stadium to a silent room, or, as I've said before, dropping hundreds of pounds of chain you've been wearing for months and experiencing the lightness that follows letting them fall to the floor.

And, as always, it's your own chain. I don't think anybody put this on me. It's my own chain, one that I silently added one tiny link at a time. Apparently it matched my wardrobe, too, because I didn't really notice it, either. I fact, I was in denial about the fact that I was even carrying it until last week or so, when I was trying to swim in new waters and found out I couldn't get my head above the surface.

The first rule in water emergencies it this: don't panic. And I didn't. I thought I could tread water or something and eventually it'd "work itself out", but that didn't occur, and eventually I started to worry.

I've been through Pathways.
I've been through 12-step.

Why can't I get past this?
What's wrong with me?
Why am I experiencing this?
What am I doing wrong?
What's causing this?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why one of the most important elements of both problems exists: you don't go through it alone.

My sponsor, my small group, my accountability brothers, my fiancee, my family & my friends can see things I can't. They can see the chains, when God's timing is right, He'll have them show you what you've been missing.

There's some irony to all of this. If you had told me I was carrying so many resentments against somebody I loved so dearly I'd have denied it. I mean, I loved this person like I've loved no other - why (and how) could I possibly be carrying anything negative whatsoever? But the truth is this:

We, as fallen human beings, do it to ourselves, without being aware of it. We do it unintentionally, unconsciously, and in most cases unwillingly - one tiny thing at a time. Those hurts start to add up, and eventually, they start hurting us, and they don't stop until you deal with them.

And sometimes (maybe always), that much hurt just blinds you to how much hurt you're really carrying.

Anyway, that's where I am today. Thank you God, for showing me that hurt, for helping me put it down, and for taking it away from me, so I can move forward into the life that You have for me and not be continued to be mired the life I tried to have for myself. Forgive me for the hurt that I've caused to others, Lord, and take their hurts away, too.

Sorry for being so long-winded. Thanks for reading, guys.

224

I started writing my resentments list yesterday. I ended up cratering and calling my sponsor and accountability partners to shore me up. Today is better, but yesterday was awful.

It's hard to re-hash so much, especially when you've dedicated your life to moving forward and not looking back at the past, even if you're doing it to get it all out and move past it. I realized yesterday (after this was pointed out to me by at least two people) that while I've moved past some of this, I've never actually taken the time (or maybe I haven't had the time) to adequately grieve over the losses involved.

I do have some - in fact, many - so-called "resentments" that are beyond stupid. For example:

I resent _________ for ruining Oklahoma.
I resent _________ for ruining Christmas.
I resent _________ for ruining snow.
I resent _________ for ruining 26
I resent _________ for ruining the name _________.

Seriously - Oklahoma? Christmas? Snow? The number 26?

See - a large portion (perhaps even the vast majority) of these are strictly my own hangups I haven't dealt with, or haven't acknowledged, and have nothing whatsoever to do with anybody else but me. Hell - the other people have no idea I'm still hanging on to this stuff, most of which is completely irrational anyway, and why should they? They bear no responsibility for much of this this nonsense whatsoever. So yeah - I can see the abject foolishness and stupidity on several of these, but they tend to get mixed in with the "real" ones that I need to deal with, heal from, and move past. I thought you guys could appreciate the insanity of some of the more ridiculous ones, though. I admit it - some are a little funny, a tad stupid. The "real" ones, however, aren't going to be posted here, both out of respect for others and because it's not necessary, and no good can possibly come of it.

Anyway, I'm still working on it, God's still taking care of me, and it is getting better.

223

UPDATE:

I re-did a section of my Step #4 where I listed some of my resentments that I had had either missed, overlooked, or was in denial about. I got it all out, I think.

It was 13 pages long, single spaced, 8 pt type. Some of it was stupid, irrational and quite foolish, and I think much of it had nothing whatsoever to do with their respective subjects, but all of it was very, very real, and I'm really glad to have gotten myself free of that kind of baggage, especially before I get married. I want to thank you guys (especially my lovely wife-to-be) for all of your prayers & support.

I feel a hell of a lot better today, albeit with tired hands from typing so much.

On a whim....

....I typed "Ian Hates" in Google. I've been working on my resentments list for step #4, so it felt natural.

So far, The Internet tells me .....

Ian hates Mini-Vans
Ian hates the Camera
Ian hates Kyle Busch
Ian hates Time Management
Ian hates white power
Ian hates running
Ian hates them for reasons no one understands
Ian hates it when I do stuff like this
Ian hates national anthems, Remembrance Day and little kittens caught in trees

*sigh*

The internet is wrong on a lot of it, I think, but the internet does tell me that I don't hate some of the things I think I do.

Meh - break time is over.

For Tuesday

I have to admit - I'm starting to really, really dislike being told where I can and cannot carry my concealed handgun. Lately, there's three places that have irritated me.

#1) The Post Office. Yeah - I know, it's federal regulations, apparently designed to keep the postal workers safe. But who's going to protect me from the postal workers? There's one up there that I think might just twist off any day now.

#2) Taco Cabana. Seriously, man. The managers I've spoken to say it's because they sell alcohol and TABC (that's Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, for you "non-industry" folks) is happier if they ban handguns. If their food wasn't so darn tasty (and cheap) I'd boycott them altogether. I know some folks already have.

#3) Grapevine Mills Mall. Apparently they trust me enough to take my money, but not to carry a gun I have a license to carry. Fie on you, mall. Fie on you.

So yesterday I had to leave my old war-horse Glock locked in my car while Toni and I traipsed around GVM looking for wedding shoes, which we found at the first place we looked at. However, I still carried my knife....



....and my kubaton.



They're not getting those.

And Toni's shoes are quite....well, sexy.

Ooooo - you know what else I got to do yesterday? I got to go into Victoria's Secret and actually feel justified in being there! I haven't been to a Victoria' Secret since 2003. I think I'd forgotten how nice and pretty and frilly and lacy and girly that place is. It was nice to be able to go in there and pick out things that I think my wife might like, ya know? 25 more days, friends. 25 more days.

AND

We went to Fuddrucker's and ate afterwards, because Toni was taking me on a date. In a moment of rare self-discipline, I did not eat the 1 lb burger, though today I slightly regret not doing it. Not because it's a challenge, but because it's that good.

We also stayed up late and witched "To Kill a Mockingbird", too. That's a great movie. We were trying to figure out which modern days actors who would play the characters - that's a hard game to play for that movie.

So....as far as working my steps goes, today I'm going to list all the resentments I can think of. I'm not going to post 'em here, though - no good can come of that. I think acknowledging them will be a good start. There's a few I don't know how to deal with just yet, but that's why I have a sponsor, and a pretty good one at that.

Today, I need to remember to keep working Step #3 - Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control. And I think a big part of working step 3 (for me) is continuing to work the other steps when I need to, including 4 & 5. I know I'll feel a lot better and a lot more "freed" afterwards.

I guess that's it for today.

222

It's going good so far

We had a good weekend.

CR was great - I found out what I need to work on, which means I need to go through steps 4 & 5 again, albeit quite unexpectedly. You never know, man - it's always something you don't expect. Evidently I've been carrying around some hurts & resentments I didn't realize I was carrying until I opened up on Friday night. It works if you work it, man. I feel better already.

On Saturday we had a tooth episode. Code Name Diamond had an incredibly loose front tooth; so loose that she could turn it completely around in its socket, which delighted her because it made Toni and I cringe so much. After much sitting in the mirror and evaluating the situation, she ultimately decided that one of the cats should pull it out. Hey - I can't fault her logic.

We took a piece of dental floss & tied one end around her tooth. The other end was tied to three feet of 1/2" dynamic climbing rope left over from Toni's search & rescue training. This line was in turn secured around the waist of Pumba, who will only allow Code Name Diamond to interact with him. After verifying the lines were all secured, we tossed his ball, expecting him to tear off after it, thereby pulling on the lines and extracting the tooth from its precarious yet persistent placement.

This did not occur. Pumba, who was, up until this moment, hiding his feelings about having the rope around his waist, instead flopped down where he stood and began engaging in a passive resistance that would have done Gandhi proud. It was a defining moment in the project.

However, this development was not without a silver lining, as we couldn't help but observe Pumba's muscular and athletic brother Timone tearing across the room in hot pursuit of the ball. We recovered the ball, freed Pumba from his bonds, ran the line around Timone's waist, and threw the ball again. Timone, who I don't think even realized that he had a rope around him, repeated his frantic scrabble for the ball, and the tooth was promptly extracted. Mouth rinsed and incisor recovered, the tooth was placed in a jug of water for safekeeping until that night, where it would be placed properly under the princess's pillow. The tooth fairy would visit in the night and bestow $5 in honor of the ingenuity and bravery involved in the tooth removal.

After meeting with Toni's Mom and grandmother for lunch at Chili's, Code Name Diamond was bound & determined to go swimming, which she did. We made chocolate chip pancakes & bacon for dinner. You can't beat that.

After church on Sunday we made chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, sweet corn and iced tea. It was glorious. After lunch Toni went to her bridal shower.

I had to miss drum corp practice, but they moved it to McKinney, which would meant that I'd have to drive from Roanoke through Denton to McKinney, then from McKinney to Watauga and back home to Roanoke in one night, taking Code Name Diamond with me, and forcing her to spend at least two hours in the car and three hours listening to us practice, which is more than even the best 7-year-olds should be expected to endure. Instead, Code Name Diamond and I threw water balloons off the 3rd floor balcony, colored, drew pictures, played spy, treasure hunt, and Rescue the Hamster Princess. I call it an afternoon well spent before taking her home at 6. The only downside was a sudden, unprovoked allergy attack which left me with a fiercely running nose and sneezing uncontrollably. I blame hurricane Ike, because if I don't I have to admit to trimming too many of my nose hairs too short and doing it to myself.

One other thing - On Saturday, I saw my ex-girlfriend at Walmart. She was bagging her groceries, and had her new baby in one of those carriers that holds the baby safely in front of you. I had wondered how she was doing - it looks like she's doing just fine, if not thriving and flourishing as a new mommy. I have no reason to believe otherwise. I have to admit - it took me a little while to recover. I do my best not to have any contact with her, and I haven't mentioned her in several months, but I guess seeing her eventually was inevitable. You know what, though? It's OK. I'm OK, she's OK - that there's what it is.

OK - that's it for today. I gotta get (back to) to work.

221....

....and 26 days 'til me & Toni tie the knot.

I think both of us get a little more excited every day.

Also, there's this.

So it's Friday

I oughta eat something.

Last evening Medic T started working nights again. I guess it's a good thing, in that it'll help to keep us honest before we get married and all, but I don't like being by myself. I think I'm gonna start going at bed at 8 or 9 so I don't miss her so much. We're pondering some professional adjustments, too.

Last night was a struggle for me; I came really close to losing it again. I don't know if it was the loneliness or the change in routine or what. There's enough slightly gray areas I can rationalize being in, but at the end of the day most of it feels like excuses. I'm still on the wagon, but just barely. I think my metaphorical head has scrapes on it from looking at the metaphorical ground as I leaned waaaaaay over the edge of the metaphorical wagon. I don't want to get that close again. I'm going to start calling my accountability guys once a day until I get married. I think I just have to talk to somebody, ya know? It keeps me honest.

The past few weeks have been a struggle for me anyway, with fighting off some stuff that still resonates long after it should have stopped. It's a little like a tumor has been removed, but they had to take a lot of the tissue around it, and that part still hurts. It's sort of like seeing a fresh scar - even though what caused it is gone, you're still dealing with the after-effects of the injury for longer than you wanted to; some stuff is just a reminder of how bad it all it was at times, and the memories still bug me. I don't know of a better way to explain it without getting in trouble - I'm sorry for being so vague.

29 days and counting until me & Toni get hitched, by the way, so that's good.

UGH - drum corp practice got moved from Denton to McKinney. That might mess me up, as I'd have to drive from Roanoke to McKinney to Watauga and then back home. That's a LOT of driving and a lot of time with Code Name Diamond I'm not sure about sacrificing. Damn - I was really looking forward to that, too. Maybe I can do a partial practice or something :-(

I dunno, man - I think that's about it for today.

Code Name Diamond this afternoon.
Grocery store this evening.
CR tonight.
Chocolate-chip pancakes tomorrow.
Bacon on Sunday.

And Toni's home for the next several days, too. That's good - I need her around.

218....but just barely.

It was bound to happen

I lost the remote to the TV in the move. Dang, man. That's annoying as anything. Also annoying - trying to use a cheap set of rabbit ears in an apartment surrounded by metal. Fortunately, we only watch about an hour of TV a day, and it's all reruns so a clear picture doesn't matter so much.

I got a great nights sleep last night. I only woke up once, and fell immediately back to sleep. God bless modern chemistry. I feel much better today.

So far today has been relatively productive. Work is back on schedule. Materials came in yesterday (and woke me up.) Tests are being made. Debts are being paid off. All is again well at work.

Drum Corp practice is Sunday, and I'm really excited. I've been practicing, and I sound much better than I did this time last year. I'm even using a "real" mouth piece to play higher, and finally giving my "cheater" a rest.

So I've been on something called Facebook, and I've re-connected with a lot of old friends from high school. Something really odd, though....

When I was younger (and active in my addiction) I used to fantasize about other women constantly, including some of (if not all of) the women that I've become "facebook friends" with. I can say with 100% certainty that had I not gone through my recovery (and I count Pathways as a part of it) then I'd still be stuck in that same destructive rut, and still view them as objects to use to obtain my fix, and not people.

Now, they're (other men's) wives and mothers and sisters in Christ, and after years of thinking about them as objects, it feels strange to not view them that way. It's even stranger that my default is (now) not to view them that way. If you'd have told me at when I was high school, college, or even up until few years ago that I'd look at this collection of beautiful sisters in Christ and not be completely overwhelmed with lustful thoughts I'd have laughed at you. It was all I knew, ya know?

I know I'm much, much healthier now, and this is a much more normal and Godly way to view women - I get that, and I'm truly grateful and blessed to have the perspective I do now. But in a way it still feels strange - like I really don't know any of these women at all, and in a way, I don't. How sad is that?

Fortunately, it's an easy fix, and I'm looking forward to re-making some of those solid friendships I once had.

Oh - and for the record, there's plenty of my guy buddies on Facebook, too.

Just sayin'

217

See? This is what I'm talking about.

I got this today from one of my accountibility buddies.

As a rule, you never bring out the best in someone by condemning and criticizing or verbally beating a person down. You bring out the best by love. You bring it out by showing people that you care. Find something they're doing right and encourage them for that.

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you many be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

~Hebrews 3:13

See? There ya go - that's one of the reason I love Toni so much. She brings out the best in me, and not the worst.

OK - I need a Dr. Pepper. I dozed off three times.

Still (a very loopy) 215

Gee - you're up early.

\

So last night (and this morning) I had a little trouble sleeping. Trouble as in I can't.

Toni and I went running at about 7 or so. At about 8 we had pizza with some Dr. Pepper, no big deal. I thought it might keep me up a little bit, but nothing unreasonable. I saw a raccoon at the dumpster at about 9:30. He appeared cautious but friendly.

After watching King of the Hill, we went to bed a little later than we wanted to (12:00 am) but I was still very wide awake at 2. I purposefully did not take an Ambien because I didn't want to sleep until 10 or 11 (or noon) the next day. I listened to the radio, hoping to get drowsy, but had no such luck. At 5 am I gave up and turned on the news. At 6 I rounded up the cats & hauled 'em off to my house as the apartment is conducting some sort of fire system / sprinkler inspection, and the three of 'em might get squirrley and might mount an assault or break out & run. It could go either way.

So, it's now 7:36 and I'm still absurdly awake. I keep waiting to finally crash but I don't think I'm gonna, as my brain is still furiously clicking at faster than normal speed. If I'm still this wired at 9 PM tonight I'm gonna take an Ambien and knock down a beer just to make sure it sticks.

All I have to do today is wait for the materials to arrive (they should) do a little paperwork and make some phone calls. I'm hoping I crash after I take care of that. If I don't, I might take the rest of the day off and go back to the apartment and get Code Name Diamond's room all tidy.

Some of us are playing a version of the game where you pick which celebrity would play you in a movie. So far, it's been a unanimous Nicholas Cage for me.



We're kind of stuck on who oughta play my brother, though.

Ugh - I have 17 minutes before I can do anything productive, so I'm just gonna hack away here. I apologize for any weird turns this may take

Oh - now I start slowing down. Fine.

That chick in Florida who's baby girl vanished? I think the bitch did it, and I use that word intentionally.

Ooooh - this was something I realized last night. Part of getting over ________ (parts of your past, relationships, bad memories, etc) consists of one very important thing: you have to quit looking for things that remind you of _________. The past few days have been bad for me on that, as much as I hate to admit it. Fortunately, I have Toni to help me through it. I am very lucky and very blessed to have such a great woman, man.

Something else, too, that Toni and I were talking about last night - I think she's everything that I ever really wanted, ya know? I mean really, really wanted, and when I say that, I mean needed.

I needed somebody supportive.
I needed somebody kind.
I needed somebody sweet.
I needed somebody even-tempered.
I needed somebody patient.
I needed somebody that doesn't yell at me when I screw up.
I needed somebody forgiving.
I needed somebody that knew all my secrets and didn't reject me.
I needed somebody that respects my recovery.
I needed somebody that really loves me.

I got a good thing going, man. Now - here's the kicker.

I've had a (very) few folks ask me - with the best of intentions, mind you - some form of this question or another:

"You're not settling, are you?"

I'm 99% sure she's heard the same thing, too. When you start dating your (best) friend I can understand whre the question might present itself, ya know?

My answer is, and always will be, this: No way, man. Here's why.

If I had chosen to stay in an unhealthy relationship....
If I had chosen to not trust God to send me somebody wonderful....
If I had chosen to continue to do what I'd always done....

....that would have been settling. Instead, I opted for a change. I quit running my numbers - which will make sense to precisely one of you, I think (I may have lost some readership) and start living up to the potential that God has in store for me (and her) and the reward was worth the risk of doing something different.

Anyway, that's it for today. I'm gonna ....do something.

216

Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Yesterday, we absolutely had to pay our water bill.
Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Yesterday, we absolutely had to pay our electricity bill.
Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Yesterday, I had to get 3 of my bank accounts out of the red.
Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Yesterday, I hit a nail and blew out my right rear tire.
Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Yesterday, my cats ran out of food.
Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Yesterday, we to eat lunch out, as we were stuck at Discount Tire.
Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Yesterday, we had to make an unexpected run to the Sheriff's office.
Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

Last night at about 9:30 or so, as we were pulling out to go to the store, a guy flagged me down and asked me how far he had to go to get to Oklahoma. When I told him he had about an hour to go, he asked if he could borrow a few dollars just so he could get home.

Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

I told the guy to follow me to the pump, where, because I had been able to get my bank account back out of the red, my debit card worked. I ran the card, and told him to put in $20. He tried to tell me that he didn't need that much, and that he only needed a few dollars to get home, but I told him that he'd still need to drive when he got there. He asked if he could shake my hand, and of course I did. My only regret was that I forgot to ask him if he was hungry until after I was already back on the road, but I think he was OK.

Look - I decided that there was no way that God had made him take that exit on that freeway, make that right turn, pull off onto my street, spot my car, flag me down, and ask me for a few dollars so he could get back home on the day that I had just gotten paid. God knew, man, and I knew He knew. I also think God knew how good I'd feel after helping somebody else out that needed it. And He was right, man - He always is. And this isn't about me- not one little bit. All I did was do what God put me there in that moment to do.

Fortunately, I got paid yesterday.

And some of it was even in money.

Godspeed, man. I hope you made it home.

215

For Monday

I'm not feeling overly sensitive today.

When the government tell you to leave because there's a hurricane coming towards you, and then goes so far as to tell you that if you stay:

A) you are risking certain death
B) you are on your own
C) you'll have no electricity, fuel, food or water
D) there's the possibility that nobody will be coming to rescue you

....and you choose to stay anyway, you don't get to bitch because nobody has come to help your sorry ass in the time frame you felt was appropriate.

OK - got that off my chest. I feel better.

I've started cooking most every night now, and I've noticed something. Am I alone on this?

I think that condiments with black folks and fat people on the label taste better, and are superior products.

Stubbs BBQ sauce.
Aunt Jemima Syrup.
Paul Prudhomme's spices.

This doesn't translate too well beyond condiments, unfortunately. Most "faces" of corporate food are painfully white.

Orville Redenbacher
The Burger King
Jack (from the Box)
Ronald McDonald
Colonel Sanders
Long John Silver
Wendy

I rest my case.

If there's a "black" corporate face I missed please let me know, willya? Off the top of my head I can't think of any, which points awkwardly to my own whiteness.

I also stand by my assertion that black folks, fat people (and southern white people) eat better food than most white folks, and that soul food is the best food God ever created, right behind manna. And yeah - Cajun food counts as soul food. Anything made north of Tennessee is suspicious.

For the record, I love black folks, just in case there was any question :-)

OK - back to work.

214

It's Eric's Fault

So yesterday I'm talking to my buddy Eric. We go back a ways - like 30 years - and he tells me this sentence.

You should get on Facebook. It's not just 16 year olds - there are real grown-ups on it, and there's a group just for our high school band. As of this morning, I've reconnected with 21 old friends already. I gotta tell you - that's pretty cool, man. I've been on cloud nine since yesterday. But I've wondered - how much personal stuff do I put up there? How up-front with my addiction & struggles should I be? Fully known and fully loved is a great and wonderful thing, and I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore, but you don't have to go around advertising all your scars on sandwich board. I think I'll let God put it on my heart when I ought to share when and if it's appropriate, and be free enough to tell somebody, you know?

And, to be totally honest, I still really have to watch whose profiles I look at, or more appropriately, whose profiles have pictures I don't need to be checking out a second time. I already found one - yikes!

But I digress....

I've been downloading drum corp mp3's so I can practice and be all ready to play with 'em again on Oct 4th. I'm very excited!!!

We're adjusting to apartment life. This weekend I'm/we're gonna finish unpacking. Really. We're also going to convert to flushable kitty litter, too. So far the only gripe I've got is that I don't have the garbage "valet service" (aka trash pickup) down quite right just yet, but that's an easy fix.

I think the cats have completely adapted. They like to go outside and sit on the balcony, and are frisking and chasing each other around the place like mad. I wonder what our downstairs neighbors think - I'll bet is sounds like we're juggling softballs and mostly dropping them.

I got paid twice this week - O' glory be. Even a little means a lot, ya know?

Last night Medic T and I (finally) went to the Heroes of Denton County Banquet at TMS. It's a dinner to honor Law Enforcement, Fire & EMS workers. Our guest speaker was a former Navy SEAL, who told us of his experiences in Afghanistan. It was awe-inspiring and very, very humbling. He refuses to allow himself to be called a hero - instead he prefers patriot. Either way, it was just incredible. It makes you wonder what you're really made of, too.

Some days I miss being a cop, man. Sometimes I wonder if there's any way that I could still do it somehow; if there's a department that would be willing to give me a chance now that I'm a little older and a lot wiser. I think that's the only job I'd be willing to do aside from the one I'm doing now. I guess the way I see it is this - I'll bring it before God, and if He thinks it's a good idea, then I'll let Him put it in front of me. That would indeed be a miracle, man. We'll see what He does.

For the past few days I've been struggling with rationalizing. Without getting too graphic, I'd sure like a little release. I've caught myself telling myself why it's OK, and all the people I could justify it too, and all the reasons it'd be OK (really), but in the end, I'm just gonna white-knuckle it and turn it over to God. Hell, I've been fighting this battle every day for over two years - what's five more weeks? I can totally do this, or more appropriately, God can do it through me. I'm trusting Him that He's going to honor my (well, our) decision to honor Him and follow what I (ok....we) believe His will is for us. It's going to be a tough five weeks, though. It's tough now, living with somebody you're going to be married to in a short while, and having to stay celibate, even though all those desires and passions are natural and good and healthy and God-given. It's tough, man.

Really.

OK - what else? I'm making pinto beans & fried potatoes for dinner tomorrow night. It's the only no-meat meal I really love. I'm pretty excited about it, to tell the truth.

All right - when I get to my dinner plans for the weekend, it's time to wrap it up. I'm gonna go to the bank and make a deposit :-)

211

Sept 11th

I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten any of it.

I'm still mad, and I always will be.

I still want justice, and I always will.

Don't forget, America.

The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center.
The Pentagon.
The field in Pennsylvania.

Never, ever forget.

There's a quote from Red Dawn that I think is appropriate today.

An USAF colonel is watfching one of the Wolverines carve notches into the stock of his rifle, and he says "All that hate is gonna burn you up, kid."

The kid looks up and says "It keeps me warm."

I don't know how "Christian" it is, but stay warm, America.

Stay warm so it doesn't happen again. Have a cat.



210

It is Officially Official

Toni and I were officially engaged last night. I'll save the story & all the nifty proposal details until I can get the video posted, which ought to be in the next 24-48 hrs. I think you guys will like it.

Anyway, that's it for today. :-)

Toldja I'd have a better blog tomorrow!

209

I'm not a morning person, but after I take an Ambien the night before so I really get a good night's sleep, I'm really not a morning person. I'm almost an afternoon person, as I can't really "wake up" enough to think clearly enough to know that I need to get out of bed. Man - I hate that feeling.

on a good note, I went to bed at 10:30 last night - it's a good start. We're working on going to bed a lot earlier so getting up earlier isn't such a beating, and we still get enough sleep.

Good Lord - how dull is this? Seriously - if all I can think of to write about is what time I went to bed last night I'm going to call it and get back to work. I'm fairly cwertain I'll have a better, more insightful, more entertaining and more informative blog tomorrow.

Is this what happens when your life starts to stabilize and your troubles start to fade into the past? When 99% of the drama (in which I specialize) is gone?

This feels weird. Good, but weird. It feels strange not having all that much to worry about. But I'm a lot more mellow and relaxed - and I think I'm happier, too.

208, yo.

for Monday

Don't worry - I didn't fall off the wagon over the weekend. That would have required effort, and after moving & unpacking for three days straight I wouldn't have had the energy anyway.

My first observations about apartment life:

The combination shower/bathtub is vastly superior to the phone booth shower I had in the house. I get cleaner, I don't knock stuff down, and there's nothing to split my head open when I drop the soap.

It's easier to keep cool.

I'm going to lose some weight walking four flights of stairs every day.

As long as they're together and have their basic needs met, your cats don't care where you live. All three have adjusted very well already. Oscar hid for a lot of the first day, but by Sunday evening he was completely adjusted. The kittens never even blinked.

We're at least 70% unpacked & moved in already. Not bad.

Brian & Zach are:

A) True Friends. They wouldn't let me move anything risky.
B) Hard Workers. We had it knocked out about four hours.
C) Incredibly Funny. I need to hang out with those guys more.

I can't thank those guys enough for helping me move. They totally saved my back from being mangled. Also, Zach is eerily strong, especially for such and unassuming & non-threatening appearance. Brian, of course, just that ox thing going for him.

I've started buying food to cook at home. Our kitchen is set up GREAT for cooking, and Toni did an excellent job of setting it all up. At first, I lamented the fact that we didn't have a pantry, but truthfully, I cooked twice this weekend, and I didn't miss it at all. I think pantries might be a tad overrated.

I ran out of my anti-anxiety meds over the weekend. I get a little punchy when I run out of those, but I'm OK. I haven't had time to be anxious, and I'll get 'em refilled soon enough. I have to confess something, though.

Yesterday, in Albertsons, there was a lady walking around and talking on her cell phone. She was moving at about 1/2 mile per hour. She walked slow. She moved slow. She shopped slow. After about ten minutes of being in the same store as her, I wanted to go up to her and slap the phone out of her hand and tell her to quit talking, get your shopping done, drive home, put up your groceries than THEN she could talk on the phone. Did her actions have any impact on me whatsoever? No, but it sure did annoy me for some reason. I choose blame my lack of Klonopin, otherwise I might have to admit I'm prideful and impatient and wasn't happy with the fact the she wasn't living her life in a way that I approved of.

*sigh*

Oh, Lord - I'm a fault-filled man. But I digress.....

I'm looking forward to getting both of out finances under control. I can start working on that on Wednesday. It'll take some doing, but it should be easy once we get it rolling.

No news on the house yet - I was supposed to have two very strong contenders over the weekend but I haven't heard anything yet today. The fat lady hasn't started singing yet, but she may be warming up in the background.

Watching Code Name Diamond check the PO Box on Sunday, I was struck by about something. As much as I fuss about not getting paid, there's element of that I hadn't grasped until this weekend. On the reverse side of that, each and every day you go to the mailbox, there really might be money in it, and that's kind of cool. It a very optimistic way to look at it, and it's nice to have little something to hope for, that renewed hope each and every day. i guess in a way, it's a little how God works, if you think about it.

You know that in the past, you've been given something good several times, usually right when you need it. You don't know what's going to happen today. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but you know that today, you're going to have enough food to eat, and someplace safe to sleep tonight, and that tomorrow He's going to provide all of those things for you again because He loves you. Now, I didn't get paid today, but tomorrow, I'm going to get up, get excited about going to the mailbox, and see how God's going to take care tomorrow. In an odd sort of way, it's kind of an exciting way to live.

I mean, you either believe that God's going to take care of you, and you live that out by trusting Him anew every morning, or you don't, and let the world suck the life out of you one day at a time.

It seems like an easy choice to me, ya know?

OK - back to work. See you guys tomorrow

207

*** NOTE ***

HoneyB - e-mail me a good link to your blog, willya? The one I have here doesn't work :-(

I don't have much to say, so this won't take long.

I gotta print & mail out invitations today, ship one order, run the credit card, pick up the kiddo, rent the moving truck, and spend the rest of the night loading it before moving out in the morning and trying not to blow another disc in the process.

There's a little noise about the house and a buyer, but nothing solid yet.

And I gotta get to CR tonight, too. I missed last week because God (maybe) was punishing me for my blasphemy, so I need to go tonight, and not put any soda cans on the ground. Also, I should not make any jokes about God's private parts. Learn from me, people, and remember - God is merciful, especially to His children. He could have done a lot worse. Remember this little gem?

"And it so happened that that very night an angel of God came and massacred a hundred and eighty-five thousand Assyrians. When the people of Jerusalem got up next morning, there it was - a whole camp of corpses! " - 2nd Kings 19:35

Anyway, no more cracks about God from me.

What else? I guess that's about it, really. My back feels about 90% today.


I'm back on all my meds, so the constant vertigo and the ringing in my ears has stopped again, and I feel pretty calm & mellow, despite all that's going on.


I'm looking forward to getting this move over with and spending a little time with Code Name Diamond, too. You guys have a good weekend, and I'll see you on Monday.

204

A few things today.

I know I'm a little depressed when....

....a cat in a chicken hat doesn't cheer me up all that much. Today I just feel that my life is an ongoing drudgery, and it shouldn't be. It should, in fact, be quite the opposite.

I also know I'm depressed when:

1) I start looking at Security Contractor jobs in Iraq & Afghanistan again

2) -> common sense prevails; large rant against ex-wife summarily removed.

3) I cry while I'm packing up my daughter's room for the last time.

4) I'm trying to buy a ring and plan some kind of honeymoon whilst utterly broke

5) -> common sense prevails; second rant against ex-wife summarily removed.

5) I run out of my antidepressants and it's three days before I can get it refilled, and I have another meltdown. I was able to get back on 'em yesterday, but I'm still in a little bit of a funk.

6) -> common sense prevails; need to talk to the doc next week

7) I finally get paid and I can't do much with it

8) I start to write blog like this.

9) I start thinking I might need a new job entirely

Ugh. I'm gonna leave, go home, and resume packing. I really thought if I got it all out it would cheer me up, but I think I just made it worse.

Oh wait - on a good note, I have a story.

Several years ago ('97, maybe?) my ex-wife and I were watching "The Man in the Iron Mask". It was on a VHS tape that her parents had recorded for us off of their satellite dish. We were all into it, but bad weather rolled in ten minutes from film's climax, ruined the reception, and we never learned how it ended. Today, I'm OK with not knowing how it ended, and now I think it might ruin it for me if I knew. I kind of enjoy the mystery. And if you know how it ends, don't tell me, OK?

I've found another application for that, and I'm OK with it now. You can take that for what it's worth, whoever you are.

You know what? That helped. And tomorrow will be better.

I'm gonna go pack. I'm moving on Saturday.

203

I'll give you guys a little preview, too.

Here's one of our engagement pics. We took it in Denton Creek, at Exit Point #1 for our canoe trips. Enjoy!

Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a terrible day. Today has been better. Last night I had a dream that Toni and I saved a baby that was in respiratory distress, and the baby made it. After that, I joined a guy from CR in his Cowboy Western Shootout re-enactment group (I have no idea if he even does that or not, but it was pretty cool in the dream, and I got to buy a t-shirt for it). I don't know what all of that means, but it was pretty cool.

I realized last night that I'm still carrying a little bit of hurt from something that happened a long time ago. I've known several people that have had abortions, but in one particular instance I knew the person pretty well and I fought pretty hard trying to get her to keep the baby. Rightfully or wrongfully, I tried my hardest to persuade her to keep it and give it up for adoption, but in the end she had it done. I was devastated, man. When I found out, I wept for that baby, and I guess every once in awhile I still do a little, even though I wasn't the father, I wasn't dating her in any way, and I had nothing to do with the pregnancy whatsoever. I just thought that nobody seemed to be sticking up for the baby, and that somebody ought to, ya know? I still carry that one a little - maybe I need to work on letting that one go, too. I didn't know I was still carrying it until last night. It's still hard, but I think that's where some of my angst comes from on something that I still struggle with from time to time. It's very "Silence of the Lambs" I guess, like somehow if I know that if one situation ends up OK than that'll somehow redeem something, though I'm not sure what. One more layer, huh? I guess on some level I feel like I failed that kid, and if I had said or done something better or smarter or been more spiritual maybe the kid would be celebrating his or her 8th birthday this year. Instead, I still feel like I let the kid down, and he (or she) died because of my failure; because I couldn't save him. I know (intellectually) it's not true, but it still bothers me sometimes, and it took something else occurring to bring it to the surface, which I guess I'm thankful for, because I guess now I can deal with it.

Moving (well..... packing) is going pretty well. I'll have the entire house in the front room by Friday night, and I should be 99% out of the house by Saturday, with just a few straggling bits & pieces to round up on Sunday and next week. It'll be nice to have a new place to live. It'll be like a fresh start, ya know?

Sometimes I share too much, I guess. Yesterday I tried to be open with some of the guys on another forum, but I don't think it went too well. In a way, I thought they'd understand, but instead they just seemed to be pretty appalled. It's not their fault, really. I guess it's not something that guys talk about. I don't think I'll do that again. I guess you have to pick and choose who you open up to - I should have talked with my CR guys about that instead. Sorry, guys.

My back is getting better.
Still no paycheck today.
Still no buyer for the house.

Tonight I get to go work security at church, so that'll be cool. I enjoy doing that.

Anyway, that's it for today.

202

I should have been working on billing at my job.
I should have been working on wedding stuff.

Instead - I did neither.

So today I've spent the last three hours trying to chase down information that's none of my business to no effect whatsoever, and I can't find a damn thing despite my best efforts. I can't go to the source, so I don't know. I can't know, and in the end, it doesn't matter if or what I know or not because I can't do a damn thing about anything concerning it anyay, except let it go and go away.

My finacee isn't happy, and understandably so. I've now sent the message that this is more important than the wedding, and that's no good, and she's justifiably hurt by that. Truth be told, I'm sure it's rather undermining to the entire deal, you know - us getting married and all. So what's my problem here, man?

I'm not happy because I feel like I oughta be letting it go, and I'm having a hard time doing it, and I'm letting it hurt her, and I hate myself for not being able to reign it in better.

But still.......I want to know. Still. What happened? I just want to know everything (and everybody) is OK - that's all.

A tale of Justice?

So, as many of you know, I have sort of a bad back. I've thrown it out once before, and it was awful. For the past several weeks, it's been getting progressively worse, and Friday night it came to a head.

Now, before I got into what happened Friday night, I need to go into what happened on Friday day, so it makes more sense.

See, on another message board I go to, we had the following exchange. I'll sum it up really quick:

SillyMunkey posted an interesting article from PopSci.com entitled "Rods from God - space launched darts that strike like meteors"

After three thoughtful, articulate and concise posts from other users, it went profoundly downhill when I responded with this.

"I thought this was only Rod from God.

Also - I want to see who's the first to make a joke about God's Rod."

I know, I know - it was an awful thing to say. Bri even addressed the uncalled for nature of such a terrible thing, saying.....

"glances at the looming clouds fraught with flickering lightning stabbing amongst themselves above justin tx - Not it."

And Brando said "jokes about God's genitals" and put a picture of somebody holding their face in their palm in an appalled and resigned manner.

The conversation ended there, but I think I had taken the joke too far, and would pay for it dearly quite shortly. In retrospect, I had it coming.

Personally, I think He might have waited, gotten me on His turf and then decided that now was a good time to remind me of who I was being ugly to.

Five minutes after I got to CR, which meets in a church, otherwise known as God House, I put a soda can on the ground, and immediately felt a pop in my lower back. I had finally slipped (dislocated) a disc in my lower back, and had to be carried to my car in excruciating pain, feeling very faint & like I was about to lose control of my bowels, driven to the emergency chiropractor, given immediate decompression and realignment treatments, and spend that night in agonizing pain, eating muscle relaxers & pain killers like candy for the entire weekend and for most of yesterday, too.

The lesson I've learned? Don't be a smart-ass with God. He still takes that seriously, and I think I went a little too far with it. Don't get me wrong - He has a great sense of humor, but I think he was delivering a little message, man. Be respectful. I am Holy. Be nice. Oh - and why don't you bow a little just to make sure you really learn this one?

Today I'm about 65%-75% back to normal, thanks mostly to the prayers of my fellow believers for God healing and God's mercy, which He's also generous with. I can walk pretty well without a cane, drive short distances, get up from bed without assistance, and tie my shoes again. The pain, while only present about 80% of the time, is only about a 4 on a 10 scale now, and in a few more weeks I ought to be back 100% normal.

But no more vulgar God jokes, though, man. I think I'm done with that. Once again - I'm really sorry, and I would like to publicly ask for your forgiveness. I won't do that again.

In the meantime, I got a lot of (very light) packing done over the weekend. It was about all I was able to do.

I'm gonna get back to work. Respectfully and Humbly.

Day 201.

I forgot today was a holiday

So I'm using that as an excuse not to blog. Don't worry - tomorrow's will be pretty interesting. I's been one of those weekends, but in a good kind of way.

Day 200-and-something, I think.