My brother is right. My best blogs are when I write about something, and don't just give a daily report. We'll see what I do.

I'm glad my wife knows the difference between me wanting to be talk to (or be friends with) somebody vs. me wanting to have sex with 'em. That makes all of this stuff a lot more easy to bear some days. As a bit of further extrapolation on yesterday's question, would I miss the friendship/non-sexual companion aspects of the relationship if none ever existed, or did they indeed exist for me to be cognizant enough of their presence to miss them when they're gone?

In that way, it's a bit similar to an addiction in that one of the specific elements of the addiction is the development of observable withdrawal symptoms when the object of the addiction is removed. (My only point here is that often we don't miss something until we lose it, and thereby often don't recognize it's significance until the loss of said thing is either imminent or has occurred. How's that a mirror to your life, and/or how many times have I (we) fallen into that pattern and had to face those consequences?)

Somebody posed the question of whether I use this blog to hang on to things that I should be giving up to God. Based on what I tend to write here, that's a good point, man. I'll be the first to admit that I tend to hang on to things a lot longer than I ought to, especially things (and people) to whom I have emotional ties, particularly very strong ones. I'm aware that part of that , if not most of that, stems from my desire to control the situation or the relationship, and that that tendency can often be the root cause of me acting out of compulsion, addiction or in otherwise inappropriate ways. Conversely, there's also the element of just plain hurt (or in then most talked about instances) just old-fashioned heartbreak, and sometimes that takes a very, very long time to recover from. There's also the stages of grief (however many of them there are) and in addition to their failure to behave in a neat and orderly fashion, I think they sometimes heal in stages too, or, as I tend to think in my case, in small little increments that are often times too easily undone by unexpected things.

That doesn't mean you don't go on, though, ya know? Move forward. Sally forth. You can't just sit around and hurt forever. You have to make the choice to move on and move forward with your life and with your relationships. It doesn't mean that all the wounds are 100% completely healed, either - it just means that you've decided to continue on despite it, knowing that you made the right decision for everybody involved, including yourself. And man - it sure don't mean it still don't hurt sometimes.

And it doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge the wound and re-stitch the damn thing up each time it re-opens itself, or to flush it out every time the old infections sets back in, either. To do otherwise would be very, very foolish, and will cause you to be muck more sick later on down the road, and prolong the recovery time necessary for you to completely heal, which is necessary for you to live your life to it's fullest. (And no - I'm not calling somebody an infected wound, so don't start with that.) I suppose that's why I tend to talk about what I'm going through so often here; to my way of thinking if I keep acknowledging, cleaning and re-stitching that old wound, it'll eventually heal right.

Now - there's a difference between doing stuff to heal it and picking at it to keep it from healing. I've done more than my fair share of picking to be sure. In fact, I'll go so far as to admit to intentionally trying to keep the wound open, but I think I've done pretty well as of late. I think I do a pretty good job of being respectful of everybody here, too. I'm assuming if I didn't I'd hear about it, and rightfully so.

I don't think anything I'm saying today or I've said her before is much of a shock to anybody, man. It is what it is, and it's something I'm going to continue to deal with until it's done; until it's run its course, however long that is. Fortunately, I have a great wife who stands beside me - no matter what - to be with me every step of the way. Without her constant (and I mean constant) support for the past four years I don't really know what I'd have done.

And I'm not under the delusion that this is a Big Problem, either. So many of you folks have so much larger problems than me, man. I don't have a family member that's dying before my eyes. I'm not digging through rubble trying to recover my daughter's body. I don't have cancer (that I know of) and I'm not in prison, homeless, or starving. In comparison to these things, this is teeny potatoes, and I get that.

Anyway, that's all I have for tonight, except for a girl fight at the bar where two girls got in a fight and when we kicked the instigator out, she lay in wait in the parking lot for her victim so she could "finish" the fight. Man - what a bitchy thing to do. I know not all girls are like that, but man - girls can be so mean.

And I know guys can be incredibly mean as well, so don't bother pointing that out.

Anyway, that's it.

703 (for Friday)

Tonight's quick self-analysis: Because I still have a surfeit of pride, one of the quickest ways to get under my skin is to ignore and/or disregard me in any sense. As much as I know that ignoring me is most sensible thing for most people to do in many circumstances, I still hate it. It comes back to the olive branch principle again, I guess. I (still?) want to shake it at people who have no reason whatsoever to even want to accept it. I'm sure it probably has something to do with me wanting everybody to like me, too. For some reason I can't explain I have this compulsive need for people that have nothing to do with me whatsoever to like me. Why do I feel like I have to be buddies with everyone? Especially when I'm in a funk, too. I also don't want to admit that, from all outside viewpoints, it probably looks like I'm being entirely selfish, and just assuming that these people have any desire to hear from me in any way whatsoever. Anybody want to untangle that one for me?

You know what I need? I need a parrot that's also a fully-licensed psychiatrist - that way he (or she; I'm not picky) can sit on my shoulder and whisper "Is this really a good idea?" when I start to do anything squirrley. Then the parrot can ask me the questions like "What are you feeling right now?" and "What do you hope to accomplish by this?". I could name the parrot Dr. Beak.

On the movie front, 500 Days of Summer is a good movie, but had I been aware of what it was about I would have skipped it. It hit a scarred over (yet still - apparently - fairly raw) nerve. You wouldn't think that stuff would still have that effect on you so longer afterwards, but I was surprised at my own reaction. Perhaps it's like a wound that heals very, very slowly, and takes that much longer every time something inadvertently re-opens it. It gets better each time, though, ya know?

Something else I hate is how it's one of those things that's not supposed to bug you later on in life, especially after you're married, ya know? It's a weird deal, man. The best thing I could come up with after two days of thinking it over was that I missed a friendship I used to have, but somebody close to me asked this question: were you ever really friends? I didn't have an answer. I like to think so, but is my perspective so distorted that I am unable to come up with the truth; the reality on my own? I think I'm still looking for the answer to that one.

Jeebus - there's like three or four people who are going to get this, man.

Something else, too: do I just flat-out share way the hell too much here? I was thinking about just killing this thing a few nights ago and just going back to living my life with a modicum of privacy like the rest of the world. I'm under no delusions that I have a lot of readers or anything, nor do I think that if I just up and quit anybody would be really disappointed, except maybe for my Mom, as I tend to communicate more with her here than anywhere else. And I'm not trying to get a bunch of "oh - don't go; we love you" posts or anything like that. My general question though, is this: do I share too much, and do I expose too much of my private thoughts here to the extent that it's unhealthy for me and/or others?

Anyway, that's it for tonight. We're going to pick up my Mom at DFW in a few minutes, so I gotta git.

Congratulations Brandon & Jenny, & welcome Keegan! I'll let Brando share the rest.


Have some Hum:


701

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm running a pretty consistent funk that takes away two points from wherever I am. It's not a lot, but it's consistent, and I haven't been able to knock it out yet, as I'm having a hard time either figuring it out or admitting it to myself.

We got paid today, which was nice beyond belief. Tomorrow Toni's SUV goes back to the dealership to get the warranty work done, which gives us back one of our cars. We also were able to get a new tire for the Honda, too, and we got a new estimate on the Bronco's brakes as well, and it might be a cheaper fix that we thought. Good news all around.

I've been getting more hits as of late, which I like. In a way, it's funny because I rarely intend to start any "blog drama", though I still struggle on occasion with saying something I shouldn't, which feels a bit like lying sometimes. I think there's a fine line between revealing everything and using some discretion and making sure your honor your word when you need to. And, to make it more confusing, I don't even feel like saying some of the stuff I think I want to say. If you can figure that one out for me let me know, willya?

I suppose a part of me likes it when I manage to say something that generates comments. It alleviates some of the tedium of daily life, I'll admit. Sometimes it's a bit of temptation to shoot my mouth off just to generate comments, though I know it's just troll-feeding or flame bait, or it would be an egregious violation of personal respect. I have a very long and well documented history of being a drama king - I'll freely admit that. I have to wonder if some of my funk comes out of this blog somehow. The stuff that used to make me feel better (regardless of whether or not it was good for me) when I did it (for whatever reason) just doesn't make me feel better anymore. I was halfway expecting a nastygram or two today but they didn't materialize. I haven't decided if I've made good or poor decisions in the past day or so; odds are my "decisions" are just being ignored, and that's both fine and understandable.

Ugh - what a crappy blog today.

700

I'll just dive into it.

My Mom's cat Scrappy died on Saturday. He got really sick and we had to put him down. Our daughter was with me throughout the entire experience, and I couldn't have been prouder. I explained everything as best I could snd she understood, and she opted to stay with Scrappy at the end. He went out peacefully with people that loved him, and he had a pretty good life. I'll write an obituary in a few days when I'm not quite so raw about it.

Ugh - I also had to drive through our front yard and the neighbor's side yard to take Scrappy to the vet, as the only car I could get started was Toni's. The Bronco was out of gas, as it's been sitting for a few weeks until I can get the brakes fixed, and the Honda (in addition to having an underinflated donut spare) had a dead battery. Thankfully, we managed to stay under the 60K mileage limit, so we're OK there. We have to get Toni's SUV serviced before 60K miles to keep it under warranty for the next 40K miles, and we've had it parked in the driveway for the past two months (waiting for a check to arrive so we can pay for it) so we didn't go over and void the warranty. We still have about 30 miles to go, so as long as we can get to the dealership we'll be fine. If we get too close to 60K miles I'm going to have it towed.

I slept all day today, so I'm doing the work I was going to do today tonight. Ordinarily I'd feel guilty for sleeping that much, but I felt rested for the first time in several days, so I have no regrets about it. I'm cutting my hours back at the theater just a bit so I can spend a bit more time doing our home company stuff. Toni needs the help and I'm getting to where I enjoy it a lot more than I used to. I think I'm starting to view the bar as more of a hobby for me, though I sure appreciate the weekly check I get. Those checks sure come in handy, even if they're not a whole lot.

I've been sharpening my sword a lot as of late. I'm also debating dropping my plan to get an M4 and spend a little less converting my shotgun to something a little more versatile. I'd also like a new tattoo, as well.

Perhaps I just feel stale; staid. Stagnant. Maybe I'm just tired, or I've been so stressed for so long I'm just a bit numbed out in general.

I feel like I ought to write, but I don't feel like anything has risen to the top. The past few days I've felta kind of discontentedness, or slight a angst or edginess. I fugured it was just me being really tired. It might be becaue we're out of Spark, too. Once you start drinking it, you really miss it when you run out.

Meh - I think that's all I got for tonight.

699, for Tuesday.

OK - funk is over. I feel fine.

It's funny - in recovery, they teach you to never make decisions when you're hungry, exhausted, angry or generally not 100%. I think last night I was all three.

3.5 hours of sleep (and six powdered donuts) works wonders.

Still 696

Thanks, guys!

I had kind of a rough night, after a very, very good day.

First off, I fell asleep on the couch when I got home, which I didn't mean to do, and I feel like I wasted some time with my kiddo. Then Toni and I had...well, not a fight, not even a disagreement, really, but something that felt like as bad as a fight just as I was trying to walk out the door to go to work. It was pretty upsetting to both of us, and I hate leaving the house like that.

Then I got triggered at work because I saw something completely innocuous that reminded me of something that hits the core of my addiction (because if I can deviate something into something sexual part of my brain will still make the initial effort to do so in a heartbeat), but that I can't even begin to write about for at least three different reasons, none of which I can even elaborate on, which sucks because if I have to keep it in, it festers, and this one is particularly deep.

Now, it's 4:55 AM, and I'm exhausted, yet wide awake. Toni will get up in two hours to go do something I feel like I should have supported her on better, and our daughter in probably three or four, if I'm really lucky.

And hey - when your brain finally quits torturing you with old memories on it's own, when does it stop trying to go back to the spot it used to find them at look into the hole? I still feel like doing stupid things. In fact, this whole paragraph is in and of itself a stupid thing, because nobody need to read this, but I did it anyway because I wanted to. Does that desire/those desires ever go away or is that how we humans roll? I know that's pretty damn cryptic, but that's all I can do, and even saying that much was probably a mistake. Tonight I feel torn between frustration, determination and surrender.

Oh - now it's five. I'll bet my folks are already up. I'm going to bed and hoping tomorrow is a better day.

696

I meant to blog yesterday, but I didn't. We worked all night on Tuesday and slept just enough on Wednesday to wake up and work all the way until it was time to pick up our daughter at 6:30. Then, after dropping her off, we still worked and shipped packages. Then we went to our favorite bar (The Library) in Sundance Square, because we were halfway there anyway and we hadn't done anything fun in a while. We counted it as a cheap date, and it was fun to sit on the porch and watch the world go by and not really have anything to do except hang out for a while.

You guys ever write something so incredibly stupid you can't believe you wrote it? I just wrote two of the stupidest paragraphs I've ever written. My wife strongly suggested I "don't post that". It was so bad I just deleted it. In short, it was the following:

I wish I hadn't sinned so much. I don't like the consequences. Look at me, and how noble my bleeding heart is.

Followed immediately by.....

Sin - I regret nothing. Sin made me who I am today. I take pride in my sin.

Seriously? The dichotomy was astonishing, even for me. And, in fact, I think I wrote part of it because a teeny part of me wanted to relive that sin, because despite the awful consequences, my sinful nature still wants to find a way to enjoy it, and when it comes to finding a way to sneak in a way to sin under the radar, I'm f'ing Houdini.

Jeebus, man - just when you think you're not a train wreck anymore, you discover that your track can still get really twisted while you're cawing about how straight it is.

And I so want to write something like "But really - isn't that how we all are? Isn't that just human nature?" I so want to find a way to have a nice, neat little micro-testimony with a nifty little red Christmas bow around it, with some wise, sage and pithy conclusion. Not gonna happen, because
I still love me some sin, man, and I'm only about two decisions away from ruining my life, and several others, and I know that sometimes if I thought I could get away with it I would. Oooo - do I need to be cognizant of that.

And I have no idea if the rest of you folks are or not.

Blah.

On a totally unrelated note, my brother preached a pretty bad-ass sermon in OKC recently. Every once in a while, he gets the fire, which I like. You can hear it here, if you're so inclined.

694

I'm waiting for pizza to get here. We haven't ordered pizza for almost a year. We're going to be working all night to bang out two big orders. Oddly enough, though I'm spending a good chunk of it working, I'm having a good time doing it, and because I get to think while I'm doing it it doesn't feel as much like work as it used to. It also helps I've had two long naps today, too. I blame the cats. If you can stay awake ina room full of sleeping cats you have a surfeit of energy I just don't possess today. Oh - and if you're ever in the Lewisville/Flower Mound area, try Carmine's Pizza. That's some good pie, man.

Last nigh Toni got into a short discussion about a girl whose roommate was scared of zombies. The ensuing talk assured us that the roommate has surrounded herself with amateurs. I'm debating extending an offer for the frightened roommate to join the team if she's interested, but not the other folks, as they would undoubtedly drag us down with their lack of forethought and preparedness. I mean, if somebody says that a rifle isn't an effective zombie-killing tool, they've pretty much relegated themselves to be fodder. I'm sorry to say it, but it's a cold, brain-eating reality.

Toni rode a horse with Jen for a while this morning, and we had a great talk at lunch afterwards. I think that's pretty cool. She had a great time, and afterwards she got to talk to a "long-lost" buddy of hers, which was wonderful to see. I really like Toni, which works out pretty well since we're married.

My blues have gone away again, which I'm thankful for. I'm wondering if it's fatigue related, or diet related, as I generally run my body pretty hard over the weekends and don't take as much care of it as I should. It may also be related to thought patterns I still get to battle a bit now and again. And since I don't want to talk about that, I guess I should.

We went to Sam's (the warehouse store) today. The last time I went to Sam's was the same day I unexpectedly ran into (or perhaps caused is a better word) an unpleasant situation (for a few people, not just me) involving an elevator a few years ago. I did it during a rather desperate effort to control - there's a shock, huh? I had forgotten about it until today, when being inside Sam's reminded me of it. While I was unprepared to be reminded, I think I handled it pretty well, and I haven't let it get under my skin, though I still remember it with more stinging clarity than I would have liked to. I didn't expect to feel like I was there again, ya know? It's OK now, though.

Nothing much else, man. I'm gonna work on making tests & filling orders until we both collapse tonight. I plan to spend time tomorrow sharpening my samurai sword. It's already sharp enough to shave, but until it's as sharp as my dad's pocketknife I won't be satisfied. Once I get it sharpened enough I might post a video of me slicing through a watermelon hanging from a tree or something. That might be entertaining for me, if nobody else.

I think I need one more hand-held zombie whacker, and then I can quit. Right now, it's this:



It's a Cold Steel Rifle Stock War Club, fashioned out of indestructible modern materials and patterned after the American Indian cowboy smasher. Rest easy - it's much less expensive than a gun. Three skipped meals at Panda Express and it's mine.

I feel as though you people aren't giving me as much feedback on a good hat as I'd like, and I feel uneasy venturing into New Hat Territory without a myriad of good counsel. As much as I'd like to say that I'm 37 and capable of making my own decisions and buying my own damn hat, it sure is easy for me for me to fall back into that "I want everybody to like everything I do" behavioral pattern and rely on others to tell me what they think they'd like. It's a constant struggle, huh? I do it with glasses, too, which are probably next on the list. I haven't picked out a pair of glasses on my own since 1990. Mine are in pretty bad shape.

Also, I'm getting itchy for another tattoo. I think the one for my Aunt Martha is coming up here pretty soon. Winter is a good time to get them.

OK - that's it for tonight.

691 (my 2nd old badge number!)

I need a new hat.

I was looking at some of those hats that I've seen guys wear - they look like this:


I question my age and my "coolness' factor in one of these. Could I pull it off? also, I don't think I'd get it in a plaid gray. Probably a black one.

I also like these. I had on a while back, but I didn't manage to hang on to it.


It's not a "real" cowboy hat, but it has much less "rules" associated with it. Plus it's a LOT cheaper.

I don't have a baseball cap I really like anymore. I regret tossing some of them. My boonie hat (which I need to replace anyway) isn't suitable for every day wear; nor is my so-called "adventure hat", which I generally wear when outside in the sun. It looks like this:


Good for tubing the Guadalupe, caoneing Denton Creek or working in Juarez, but not exactly an every day sort of hat.

I had one of these years ago, but I don't know whatever became of it.



I don't want a panama, bucket or sea captain hat. I don't want a beanie or a knit cap, either. A viking helmet would be fun, but somebody's already taken that one, and sombreros are hard to wear in the car.

See, when left to their own devices, and without the presence of women, guys will wear all sorts of insane stuff, like sea captain hats or viking helmets or sombreros. Also, motorcycle helmets, construction helmets, fireman helmets with red rotating lights and sirens already installed, Stormtrooper masks and hats that hold beer are also acceptable when you ladies aren't around.

Anyway - I need some help from you guys on trying to find a new hat. I need your input, especially from you ladies. Thoughts?

What else? Toni is trying to get to Haiti to assist with a medical team here pretty fast. I'll probably have to stay behind and run the show while she's away. Odds are I'll have to take some time off from the theater for a week or so. I have some paid leave stacked up, so I might as well use it. We'll have to see how God moves the minor obstacles that are in her way, but so far we're both OK with her going. We don't have dates or durations or anything else like that yet, but I'll be sure to keep you guys posted.

Nothing else, really.

Seriously - I need help on the hat thing.

690

Last night went very well; I saw nothing untoward or out of the ordinary - no problem there. I go back to work tonight. And, funnily enough, I saw a Pathways Person in line. She was wearing a bracelet that said "If you did know.....". It's always great to see "Pathwayians" :-)

On a wildly unrelated subject change, I know somebody that's going through a divorce - she's leaving her husband (no abuse or anything) and as far as I know she's getting everything she wants and more. Yet, as time goes by, she's getting angrier and angrier, and making the soon-to-be ex hubby out to be a monster. I know the guy, man - he's just not. I don't see what she has to be angry about when A) she's the one leaving and B) she's getting everything she wants out of it. I know I'm just a guy, and generally you ladies' brains are fairly incomprehensible to us most of the time, but this makes no sense to me at all, other than odds are she just has some very deep-rooted anger problems that she's not dealing with and is simply directing it at her soon-to-be ex because he's a convenient target. I don't have a point here, other than I think it's a shame all around.

I'm struggling with feeling just overall "down" every so often, and I can't isolate the cause. It tends to emerge out of the blue every once in a while, and I'm unsure what the trigger is, so it's a bit tricky to avoid. I'm sure it has to do with my codependent nature & my desire to control things I can't. I don't think it's loneliness, but maybe it's something like that. I don't have much else in the way of insight on that one.

Mom & Dad are fine.
Cats are fine.
Wife & kid are fine.
I'm fine.

Toni's threatening to turn on "Conveyor Belt of Love", which I don't know if I can handle.

Meh - that's it. If I don't have anything that's interesting enough for me to write down for myself I won't waste you guys time with pointless filler just so I feel like I wrote something, ya know? Anyway, that's it.

Thank you guys again for commenting. I like to hear from y'all.

687

All right - let's continue, then.....

Ian, what you say makes sense but what your mom is saying makes sense as well. Both are what we should do.

What? There is room for more than one opinion? More than one person might have a valid point? Heresy, say I. Lunacy. Blasphemy.

For the record, I know Haitimom pretty well, and I do know that she loves people enough to not stand idly by and watch them implode without getting involved in one way or another, for better or for worse, and she does have a point about not washing your hands of people when they don't do what you want 'em to. What we do after we've opened ourselves up to help 'em out (and met with refusal) is still a subject for debate.

The fact that she knows that she is judgmental and knows that she will always is being real. I mean, think about it? Are you not judging her right now?

Hah - there's two points here.

One: is it not impossible to call somebody else judgemental without being a teeny bit judgmental yourself? Hello, pot? This is Kettle - you're BLACK!

I know I'm still very judgemental at times (which is probably most of the time.) There's reason we can generally spot things that other people are doing - it's because we do it ourselves. I think we are generally very sensitive to things in others that we dislike about ourselves. That's an unpleasant truth, but oftentimes a very, very accurate one.

Two: For as much as she is being real, I salute her for it. Only be being real can we experience true relationships with others at a heart level. I wasn't ever real with anybody until I was around 33 or so.

If Ian wants to forgive, he can

There's nothing to forgive, Haitimom. Giving your opinion isn't a bad thing. If you want to hurt my feelings you're going to have to try a LOT harder - absolutely no hard feelings here at all, so don't worry about that.

OK Ian, it is obvious, I cannot deal with your blogs in a sane manner, so for a while I think I just better read something else.

Oh, balls.

Yes, you can. You've dealt with profoundly tougher shit than this, so don't sell yourself and the rest of us short like that. And don't leave now. This is just getting interesting :-) For the record, you are always welcome to post anything you like here, which leads me to my next point.

....when you have people who love you enough to say the things that you could need to hear, even when they know it could make you mad at them, that's a beautiful thing.

A-Men. And I do love the fact that Haitimom does just that, and always has. I am lucky and blessed to have such a great Mom as her.

....shouldn't you thank her for loving you enough to share?

I should, so thank you, Mom. I appreciate what you had to say - I really did, and I took it in the spirit it was given. I didn't agree with all of it, but I don't think anybody questions that your heart was in the right place.

There are also verses about being easily offended.

WHAT? LIAR!!!!! THAT'S NOT IN THE BIBLE!!! *I* WOULD KNOW!!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?!?!??!??!

(just kidding)

686

Off to Babylon......

More....

Some more commentary from the subject at hand.....

If you are anyone else truly loves a person, why would you want to leave them there?

I don't think anybody wants to leave anybody anywhere that's going to get them hurt. Unfortunately, as adults, we cannot make decisions for other people, no matter how much healthier we think our way might be. To try to make decisions for other people is a very codependent trait, and stems from a desire to control somebody else's behavior - even if you're only trying to control it because you A) love that person and/or B) know what they're doing is hurtful to themselves or others. It's an unpleasant fact, but it's nonetheless very true. I can say without question that I've spent a LOT of time doing this to people I love(d), even though I sincerely believed - with all my heart - that my motives were as pure as the wind-driven snow.

Even GOD cannot (and will not) control our decisions.

Love means you reach down a hand to pull them out. It is up to them if or not they want to take hold.

Correct. However, you cannot keep trying to get their attention and remind them how wrong they are, and once they tell you "go away", it's time for you to back off. They know where you are, and they know how to get a hold of you if they need to. It doesn't mean you love them any less, but it's the healthiest thing for you and them to do. Like I've said before, there's a difference between extending the olive branch and beating the other party with it. This situation is almost no different.

Yes, your love for them doesn't stop if they refuse.

And, oh - does that ever make it that much harder.

I don't think that she was in any form condemning you.

I don't think she was. Some of her commentary struck me as fairly judgemental, and I didn't agree with that. That was what my primary points were supposed to be about.

And I don't think that you could argue that a bar is not more sexually charged than church

How sexually charged any given situation or location is is entirely contingent on the people involved. I know if instances where - on a youth group outing - kids have sneaked off and had sex. I also know that if a guy sits behind, next two, or withing view of a really hot girl and that guy doesn't get a grip on his thoughts, he can get so worked up and turned on thinking about having sex with that girl he couldn't be more aroused at a strip bar. The times I've been the most wildly aroused I was nowhere near a bar or a club.

....is that it came across in your post (at least to me) that you were offended that your mom would question your decision.

Nah - I don't think that was her point. I think she was just trying to keep me honest. I ask myself that same question every time I suit up.

....people have to make up their minds and have an open heart in order to change. So it's not our job to drag them out of the cesspool. It's our job to show them life can be different and even better. They have to make up their mind and their heart on their own. We can't force anyone out of the sin they live in. And when we try, it makes people despise Christians even more.

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding! Nailed it.

....we as Christians are responsible for loving people and then helping them see that The Lord loves them, and wants them to accept His salvation and follow Him.

Preach Christ always, and when necessary, use words - right?

Mahatma Ghandi said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Man - I can't think of a better commentary on what Christians are doing wrong.

Thoughts? If you guys have anything else to say, please chime in.

For today, here's what I have.

I called in sick to the theater because if stayed home and finished the order I'd make roughly 30X what I would have made at the theater today. So I lied and told my boss I was sick. I have the comp time to cover it, I haven't taken a sick day in nearly a year, and I got my shift covered over an hour ahead of schedule, so the theater suffered no inconvenience. I don't feel good about what I did, but it seemed to be the best decision at the time. I know lying is wrong. I'm not exactly proud of it. I got the order shipped, though freight to Malaysia ain't cheap.

Tonight we took our daughter to Twisted Root Burger Company in Roanoke. Good burgers, albeit a bit pricey. Brian met us there - 'tis always good to see tha' Chief. It makes me miss playing paintball, or at least shooting guns of some kind. I've been debating tinkering with my shotgun by changing the heat shield, the stock, and adding a rail and a red-dot optic on top to make accurate zombie-whacking a bit easier, at least until I can start my M-4 build. For what it's worth, I was much worse when it came to paintball guns - I could accessorize those like Barbie dolls.

Timone is crunching on a styrofoam peanut.

Nothing much really going on the heart level, which makes these kind of dull some days. No real angst, though I did get a touch of the old stuff for a moment yesterday. I was listening to music and I heard a song that took me way back, enough so that I had to change the music before it was over. Funny how effective music can be, huh?

I tended to get more interesting material when I was in real anguish, I think. Not that that's a dare or anything - just an observation.

That's all I have for tonight. Thank all y'all for posting :-)

685

I got a response on yesterday's blog that I feel I need to address. For the record, I am not lashing out. I am going to speak very plainly so that my points are clearly made.

Quotation from the poster are in block quotes.

His purpose for dying for our sorry butts was to give us a bath and clean us up and say to us go and "sin no more" (stay out of the cesspools)

People with little or no walk with God just don't care about this. I never did. You can't apply the same standards that you believe in to folks that just don't believe the same things you do or just don't care. And let's face it - sin is a hell of a lot of fun.

One man's cesspool is somebody else's playground, and if the person is happy in the cesspool there's no real point in trying to convince them it's anything but fun and delightful, especailly if it's fulfilling a need that they have. You have to wait until they want to climb out, regardless of what you or me or anybody else might think about it.

Also - those people in "the cesspools" are real people, with real hurts, real needs and real feelings. They're somebody's son, somebody daughter, somebody's sister, somebody's brother. I take taking care of those people very seriously; by serving them, by showing them kindness, a smile, some respect, a lot of compassion when they're down and making sure they're safe while they're ay my club.

I wonder sometimes if you don't like to "play around the edge of the pool"

Sex permeates every aspect of our culture. TV, radio, print media - the club is not much different than any other establishment. Lustful thoughts can easily be stroked at Sonic, Chili's, a high school football game, or church - your location is generally irrelevant. I've spent hours at church (and at church camp) scoping out (and thinking about) girls. Think church isn't a great place to look at hot women? It is.

Since you have a problem of this nature do you really think a club where sex permeates all aspects, is a good place to work?

Like I said - my location is irrelevant. My guard is up at the theater, in the car, in bed, at church - just as much as it is at the club. Sex addiction is all in your head. I don't need what I see at the club to fan those flames - I have decades of imagery I can pull from in an instant. I don't need a sexy environment to fail. I can do that all on my own.

A sex robot??? I think even God would be a little shocked.

Why? This God didn't see it coming? Think God didn't create the design team? Think God didn't know what the future held? Think God doesn't know that hurting people won't go to any length to heal their own pain if they think that's all the have?

Think a sex robot is the worst thing that somebody can some up with? On a scale of 1 - 10, it's a 3.

That was a massive part of my problem - I thought that God was ashamed of me, that I was too far gone, that I had screwed up so badly that He couldn't love somebody as messed up as me. After all, how could God love somebody that had done all the things I had done?

There's a whole lot of my story you don't know - and that you will never know, partially because I know the knowledge would bring you pain, and partially because I know very clearly what you think of people who engage in some of the things I've done.

Pointing out how appalling you think somebody's behavior is simply furthers the shame that those people feel, furthers the depth they are willing to go to to hide it, and pushes that much further away from the only people that can help them. And if you go so far as to tell them that GOD thinks what they're doing is awful (because that's what YOU think) then you're helping to widen an already massive gap between them and God. Ask me how I know.

How dare we anyone condemn people in God's name, whether through direct speech, implication, gossip, or action when He never condems any one of us - not even once, no matter what we've done.

Instead, why not try telling them you love them just the way they are - crazy shit and all - and that nothing they can ever say or do will ever make you stop loving them, and that you wil always love them no matter what. That seems a lot more like what God says to us, doesn't it?

684

Note: edited to sound less like a flame post. No disrespect intended.

Day Off Dilemma

What do you do on your day off? I generally have Mondays and Tuesdays off, and there's always things to do I feel like I *should* be doing. I feel like I ought to be doing self-employment stuff right now. Odds are I'm going to do it tomorrow. I just wanted one day where I did absolutely nothing of value and accomplished nil. My body clock is still pretty much useless, as it's 2:50 AM and I'm still wide awake. How productive to have a natural sleep pattern that has you awake between the hours of 2 PM and 4 AM, and generally useless to the outside world otherwise.

I have a lot to do tomorrow if I choose to be productive. The Bronco needs brake work. I have orders to fill. The house needs cleaning. We're trying to see a movie tomorrow. I dislike having stuff to do on my day off. It feels like a never-ending cycle, man. It'd be nice to have - literally - nothing to do, but I suppose that's probably never going to be the case, huh? That makes it hard to go on vacation, too. I tend to think about all the work I could be getting done if I wasn't being lazy. I know I've ruined a lot of moments that way.

I saw on FoxNews that somebody made a sex robot. I have to confess that there was a time in my life that would have sounded pretty good if it was a good enough robot. I'd like to sound "normal" and say how weird and unhealthy it is, but let's face it - there's a lot of people that are going to want one, and if I start taking holier-than-thou or judgemental comments about how weird and sick those people are to be wanting to have sex with a robot, that would just make me a jerk, man. Jesus loves people that would have sex with robots.

I don't know what kind of a mood I'm in tonight. Maybe the music I'm listening to is getting to me. I've been listening to "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables. It makes me sad, but it sure is beautiful. It's the song that Susan Boyle sang on "Britian's Got Talent" a few years ago - the lady that nobody took seriously but that awed the audience with powerful, soaring performance. That one always gets me - it's always pretty heartwarming to see somebody get some long-deserved recognition and to see somebody's dream come true, especially when it's captured on film.

Tonight, as with most nights, poor Toni is sitting up waiting for me to finish writing this. I know I'm keeping her up. Ar first, my first reaction is to feel smothered and get bent about it, but if I go deeper, I'm just being a disrespectful and taking advantage of my wife's kindness. She doesn't want to go to bed without me, because she values me, and she values our relationship. She doesn't want to go to bed without me, or let that distance and separation be created. I'd have given a finger for that kind of attention in my first marriage. It bothers me to think that I'm still doing some of the same crap I did the first time; sitting up late at night on the computer for no other reason than I want to, and not really thinking about how it impacts my relationship with my second wife. What does that say about me? Nothing good.

So, in an effort to do something different, and not continue to make the same mistakes a second time, I'm going to wrap this up, because it's the right thing to do, and spending time with Toni is more important that anything I think I have to say tonight.

683

Well, at the behest of my wife, I'm not going to tell the story I had originally planned. I shall, however, still to convey the pertinent information I had intended to, albeit in a different way.

While at work on Thursday, I had an experience equivalent to a recovering alcoholic picking up the wrong glass at a party and accidentally getting a mouthful of hard liquor.

I have to admit that as funny as I could make the story, I'd still have to relive what I saw and experienced, and suffice it to say that it's something that is going to be hard for me to forget. As a recovering addict, you have to be honest with yourself enough to be able to admit that a part of you still loves that which you were addicted to, and when you are exposed to it once again, you still feel it every bit as much as you used to. There's aspects of what I saw that I feel compelled to share, even though nobody has asked for any details or even wants to hear about it. I have to wonder if it might be just so I can re-live the experience in some way, or if having the desire to share it is unhealthy in an of itself. Odds are, it is, and I'm OK admitting that.

Anyway, the second half of the story was what I struggled with immediately afterwards. I felt guilt. I wandered if I had intentionally gone into a situation with the intent of exposing myself to what I saw. That was the hardest part, really - trying to convince myself that I hadn't done anything wrong, which is hard to do when you tend to have a guilty conscience anyway. I eventually figured out that while I saw what I saw, it wasn't looking for it, and I honestly figured that the odds of actually seeing it were so low that I was OK to be where I was at and doing what I was doing. If I had known what I found out later, I'd have stayed made a different decision. I was concerned that I'd broken my sobriety, but as I was unable to establish any premeditated or moment of passion intent to seek it out I was OK. Getting ambushed at work, even though clubs are bastions for sexual activity, isn't the same as looking at porn, acting out, or having sex with somebody I'm not married to. Those are "breaking sobriety" values, and I didn't violate them. Now, if didn't leave when I did, I would have had a much more difficult time defending myself, and I'd feel like I'd have to start my count over again. I will have to add a thing or two to my list of "sobriety breakers" - especially this week, as Girls Gone Wild will be paying a visit on Thursday.

Anyway, that was it, I guess. Sorry it wasn't funnier.

Hopefully, this cat will take the pain away.



It's funny how whether nakedness is either funny, appalling or arousing depending on context, huh?

682

I have a story

It's something that happened at work on Thursday night, my reaction to it, and me unpacking the aftermath of said incident. It's relevant, entertaining, and thought-provoking on a few different levels.

However....

In order for me to tell it, I shall have to be skillful and droll, or otherwise slap a nice big one of these on it.



I'll make sure I give you guys plenty or warning when I start it off, just in case you'd rather avoid this one altogether. I'll understand, I promise.

See you guys on Monday.

680 for Saturday.

CTD weirded me out

I am a big fan of Cheaper Than Dirt. It's an online store, a retail shop, and a mail order catalog. They sell gun accessories, military surplus, camping stuff, and my topic for the day - "survival gear".

I was poking around in the catalog for a picatinny rail mount for Toni's .38 when I stumbled across this little gem. Here's some excerpts from the ad:

Basic 30 Day Emergency and Survival Kit for Four People Includes Food, Heater, Radio, Water Filtration and More - Our Low Price: $2,399.97

The movie 2012 describes what could potentially happen on 12/21/2012 based on the end of the Ancient Mayan calendar....

....According to the calendar we are now in the Fourth and Final age.....

....what if all the electronics suddenly stopped working, an asteroid struck the earth, sunspots erase magnetic stored data, a flu pandemic effected millions, would you be able to survive with what you currently have....

....The reality of 2012 seems far fetched, but are you prepared for hurricanes, earth quakes, extended power outages, a wide spread pandemic, or turmoil from the Middle East?....

Perfect for at home or the office, there is enough basic survival gear for a family of four for 30 days, these are good to have on hand for natural disasters or the 2012 phenomenon.

For the record, I'd like to point out a few things here.

After the Pearl Harbor invasion of 1942, how long was the area a disaster?
After the OKC Bombing in 1995, how long was the area a disaster?
After the Sept. 11th attacks in 2001, how long was the area a disaster?

The answer, in every case, is this: more than 30 days.

Now.....

Just in case one of the aforementioned events the ad describes does occur, or as many 2012 folks think - THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT ENDS - I have but one thought for you:

Nothing you can buy, stockpile, or prepare for is going to be enough to outlast that.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that (in flights of lottery-winning fancy) I've occasionally pondered the one or two of these kinds of kits, though I tend to stop short of building myself a compound out of buried school buses in the middle of nowhere. My trust in the government, myself, and even my friends and family is pretty small in the face of the apocalypse, man - it just is.

The real question for me is this: Do I really trust God, even in the face of the world itself ending?

Oooooo....that's a scary question, isn't it? Nobody really likes to answer that one and be real about it. I know I don't. The though of the world ending scares the hell out of me, man. But am I prepared to say that I trust in God enough to take care of all of us?

I want to say yes, but part of me still wants to buy that kit.

Don't get me wrong - I feel like I tend to trust in God, though oftentimes it's because I have no other choice, so it's by default or lack of options that I often embrace that faith. Is it wrong for me to say that I'll trust in God if the world ends, but I'll still be scared and I'll probably trust Him because I can't do anything else? I've been in that situation before, I guess, and it's always turned out OK, but I guess I have to be really honest with myself and say that in the face of the world ending, I don't know that I'll have that level of spiritual maturity. Odds are I'm just going to wet myself and then pray/beg God for the survival of my family.

I suppose I could get another blog out of this and go into preparation vs. faith, too, but it's been done to death. If any of you guys know a verse that says trust in God but stock up for the apocalypse I'd like to see it.

Anyway, thanks for reading. This was a weird one, and I'm not entirely happy with it.

679

I'm gonna write fast and get straight to the point because that cold front just blew in and it's dropped from an almost balmy 48 to a sloppy 36 in the time it took us to get toilet paper and detergent from Wal-Mart, and I still have to put the faucet covers on the outside hose spigots before I go to bed.

I saw "Couples retreat" tonight and learned three things:

A) I can still be a controlling jerk, and it's painful to watch
B) I need to put more effort into appreciating each day with Toni
C) Life should be more than just "getting through it"

That last one is a personal struggle for me. I can still hear a voice in my head telling me that this is just the way it is, and that we're only going to struggle and suffer and scrape by until we die; that life is hard and full of sorrow and strife and turmoil and failure, and there's o end to it because God cursed Adam in the garden and now we have to struggle to eke out the barest living from the sweat of our brow from the dirt of the fields, O' yea, shalt we walk through the she shadow of the valley of death forever and evermore, Amen, saith the LORD.

It's so hard to feel any joy or squeeze any happiness out of life when you think that's all there is to it, ya know? I still struggle with that.

It's funny when you find deeper meanings in silly movies, but you find value where you find it.

Recovery-wise I caught myself getting rattled at Chils's with Toni and our daughter tonight, but I think I got a grip on it pretty quickly. No rhyme or reason, an nothing special about anybody - it just happened. I didn't really have time to "unpack" it or try to dissect it and psychoanalyze figure out the root cause, either. I just ducked and quit looking. I'm not sure if that's cowardice or bravery, but it worked, though I still feel a little sense of shame when it happens.

Toni and I were talking about recovery-related stuff tonight, and one of us made the comment that "It's not how strong you are - it's how weak you're willing to be." To this day, I think that one of the toughest things to do is to admit to yourself that you're not strong enough, tough enough or smart enough to do it on your own; to simply say "I can't." And man - is it hard, funny, heartbreaking, dumbfounding, painful and all-too-familiar to watch somebody that thinks they can keep on keeping on. It's humbling, too, because if you're real with yourself, you know you're only about two decision away from being a hell of a lot worse off than they will ever be.

Anyway, that's it. Faucet covers.

678 (for Thursday)

a fun day

First off, I got this:

It was a steal - $5 at a pawn shop when I traded in a VHS/DVD player somebody at work gave me because they got a Blu-Ray player. Cool, huh? It's for the zombies - edged weapons don't have to be reloaded, and this one has a 29" blade, which gives me a good 3 feet of reach.

We also went by Advocare and I picked a bucket of Spark, which I am very excited about. It's cheaper than sodas or juice, packs a ton of energy and sharpness, and tastes great. This ought to make waking up and getting moving a LOT easier. And, for the record, I'd be saying all of this even if Toni wasn't a distributor. I had some Spark today at about 3, and I've felt great all day.

We also had a date night, which was nice. We've seen three not-so-good movies in the past four days: Love Happens, Leatherheads, and Bubba Ho-Tep, and Sherlock Holmes at the Studio Movie Grill was a nice change. We were going to go shopping afterwards but the stores closed at 9 so we missed it. We're going to bed early (for us)

The weather is supposed to get extremely cold in a day or two, so after we got home, I made this:

Scrappy (my Mom's cat) will remain nice and toasty in his box, provided he chooses not to leave. So far, it hasn't been a problem, as you can see.

I had a bad night last night (after we went to bed), which means we had a bad night, and while I'm not exactly sure what got the ball rolling in the wrong direction, I know it involved my anger problem and my desire to control everything, and my tendency top be critical when things aren't done my way on my time schedule,- especially those things that impact us financially. Ugh - you're never completely recovered from everything, huh? We got it sorted out eventually, but it cost us some time together, and we don't get enough of that.

As far as my addiction, recovery-wise I feel like I'm going through a pretty good time. Tomorrow, I plan on watching all the sermons I've missed online, too. I also need to check in with my accountability brethren and let them know how I'm doing - I might do that tomorrow, too.

I have another long weekend in front of me, and I'm trying to rest up for as much of it as I possibly can, so I think that's it for today.

676

Today's Rantings

I slept for 12 hours last night. I woke up feeling rested.

It. Was. Glorious.

Right now, I'm sitting in an overheated room with a belly stuffed full of pizza, drinking a nice cold glass of ice water. I picked up a 1 liter bottle to full with Spark tomorrow morning when we go to Advocare to pick up some orders (and get me my own bucket of Spark.) If any of you guys want a sample of this stuff let me or Toni know. You'll feel great afterwards - this I promise you.

On a completely different rack, I know two couples that are going through a divorce now. In both instances, the wife left. One family had kids, the other didn't. In both instances, I think the woman's hearts had turned to stone where their husband was concerned. This isn't to excuse anything the husbands may have done to contribute to the demise of their marriages in any way, it's just what I've observed. Some folks were talking about this at dinner a while back, and the consensus seemed to be that when the guy left, there was probably still some hope, but when the girl left, it seems that it's over. I think that generally, a woman's heart can take a lot more neglect than a man's over a long period of time, but when she's reached her threshold of what she can take, she can take no more, and all that love she used to hold in her heart becomes bitter poison. I also think that once a woman's heart has turned to stone (or poison) where a man is concerned, it often takes a miracle from God to soften it again, which is why you rarely see it, and in my opinion why often their next relationship still has some of the same problems the prior one did. To be fair, it happens with guys, too. I'm not trying to be critical, I'm just sayin'.

Growing up, it seemed that when divorce was talked about, it was always the man that ran off with somebody. In the seven instances I've seen in my personal live, it's been the woman that left in every case but two. In only one case, the guy just flat-out left his wife and kid.

Anyway, I don't know what any of that means, if anything, nor do I really have a point. Just making observations, I guess. I hate to see it every time, as nobody really wins in a divorce - everybody loses. I think that the only time there;'s a clear winner is when both parties decide to put in 100% until their relationship is back on a mutually healthy, mutually respectful, mutually honest and equally-yoked track, and then keep on putting in 100% ad infinitum. In those very rare cases, everybody wins, though it's a one hell of a hard road to take.

Oh - and I almost bought Toni a laser sight to use on Dad's .45, but I figured I could find a better use for $30, at least for a while. Yay - restraint.

Nothing on my mind besides that, I guess. I'm gonna do a bit of work & spend the rest of the night relaxing before I climb into bed early (for me) and go to sleep again.

See you guys tomorrow.

675 (cause it's still Monday)

the weekends are messy

I feel like I've worked quite a bit since I blogged last. As near as I can figure, I've had four 13 hours days since I last blogged. I'm off for the next two days, and I plan to do no work whatsoever. I'm tired. Unfortunately, our little company is going to interfere with that plan, but I don't anticipate letting it ruin my "weekend", which consists of Monday and Tuesday. It's sort of odd - the days of the week have quit meaning a whole lot to me as of late, and the concept of a Saturday/Sunday weekend is just about gone entirely. I don't think I got more than five hours of sleep for the past four days, and it's been tough going to bed at 5 AM and then having to "open" at the theater at five hours later.

For the surface stuff, nothing exciting has happened recently. We have to do some brake work on the Bronco, but it should be pretty routine and inexpensive. Dad worked on the brakes on an old car of mine a long time ago, and I remember what we did fairly well. Fortunately, it's a older American car, and it's pretty simple to work on. Toni is also quite a car pro as well, and the two of us should be able to get it knocked out this week before the weather turns super-cold for the weekend, just in time for me to stand outside the front door of the bar again.

A little deeper, I missed church on Sunday, and I'm not real happy about that. I woke up so completely disoriented Sunday morning I couldn't think clearly enough to get up. I hate waking up like that - if I can ever figure out a way to wake up and be able to think clearly enough to make good decisions I'd be very happy. Whenever I wake up I feel like a confused, disoriented wreck for the first 15 minutes or so, especially when the alarm first goes off. I tend to turn it off immediately without really thinking of what I have to do that day, but I'm not sure how to fix that.

Recovery-wise I'm doing OK. I just found out that Girls gone Wild Tour will be making a stop at the bar in a few weeks. Fortunately, I should be able to keep a sufficient distance from any debauchery, as nobody cares about the door guy. Toni may come with me. It's funny how something that used to have such a powerful draw - powerful enough to make me lie and sneak around on my wife to see it - has been reduced to a workplace annoyance.

Are any of you guys tired of celebrities? I sure am. Maybe it's because the only show I watch on TV is "The Soup", which is on the E! Network. Otherwise I think I just watch "King of the Hill".

That actually leads me to something else, too. We're thinking of dropping the satellite TV and the high-speed internet. The only downside that we can see would be that our daughter wouldn't be able to watch some (ok....all) of her shows, which comes in handy on occasion, especially when I'm too exhausted to do much except lie on the couch and just be in the same room with her while she watches iCarly.

And that makes me feel like a bad parent. I don't know how to juggle (or balance) work and spending time with her, and how to handle a job (which brings in money that I sorely need) that lets me get to sleep at 5 AM when she wakes up at 7 or 8. If I saw her on Mondays or Tuesdays it would be no big thing, but I get her on the weekends, and let's face it - what's a weekend for everybody else is the main part of my work week.

Man - I hope she understands some day, ya know? I don't want her to think I don't love her, and I hope her memories of me are more than me just lying on the couch when she's here. I feel like she only gets about two good hours of me per day, and I hate that. I guess every parent feels like they're selling their kids short sometimes; I don't like feeling like I have to choose between my kid and making enough money to get by, especially when a lot of my money goes to support her. It's kind of a vicious cycle; I have to work to support her (by paying my child support), but the very work I have to do to make ends meet and take care of her causes me to lose time with her. I guess that's an age old problem, huh?

Anyway, that's it for tonight.

675 days sober.