Amputation

Well, we begged, borrowed and stole until we came up with the $1803.37 we needed to get Toni's truck back.

Then we were told it's be another $500 to get it back from the impound lot.

> pulls hair out <

This put us in a position where we were forced to ask ourselves a question: When is enough enough?

Then we asked ourselves it it better to owe $12,000 (the payoff on the vehicle) or to take the hit on our credit score and owe maybe $5000 instead? Over the next few years, we'd save nearly $7000, plus another $100 a month on insurance.

I've already surrendered mine back to the bank and agreed to take the hit. I'll save about $8000 to $9000. Should we lets hers go as well?

We already know making the payments on both vehicles has proven itself impossible, and in all reality her's is very likely to get repo'd again, just like mine was. That fact makes it very hard to swallow paying another $500 just to have it go to waste within 90 days, and I don't have any money to spare.

We know a repos will be on there for a long, long time.

In three months we'l have saved enough to pay cash for a decent used car (something Japanese with 4-cylinder) and only have to pay $50 a month to insure it. And we can get by one one car, too - at least for now.

And that'll be one less creditor that calls, too. They typically call 4-5 times a day - just on her car alone.

As much as I hate to have both of us have a repo on our credits, it'd save us nearly $15,000. It it worth that much to have terrible credit for the next 7 years?

This is what we're trying to figure out tonight. It the kind of thing poor people discuss while getting ready to work their second jobs :-)

Your comments, opinions and thoughts are welcome.

375, yo.

Short Version

This is how I feel tonight.

The long version was too depressing to read.

Baby you can have whatever you liiiiiiike.....

Toni and I went to Sonic today for a snack, and when I told her to get whatever she wanted she sang this to me. This isn't funny at all unless you've heard the song. They play it at the club, ad nauseaum.

Not much to report today, really. Recovery is still a process, and I still have to watch myself when there's lots of pretty girls around. Fortunately, none are as beautiful as Toni, so it's not as bad as it used to be.

I was telling Toni last night how I'm enjoying getting accustomed to her, which sounds odd. But it's like this - when I'm with somebody for a while, I start to love how they look - does that make sense? And now, the only person I really want to look at or think about is Toni. It's like you get your spouse groove all worked out and you quit wanting anybody else because you're truly happy with what you've got. I'm sure this is quite an obvious thing to the rest of you, but it's the first time it's really happened to me. It's the first time I was ever really 100% committed - heart, body (for real, man) and MIND (that's a big one) to one person with0out letting a lot of other things serve as distractions & rob us of the intimacy that we're supposed to be sharing. This time, there's not the profound, secretive theft occurring, and I couldn't be happier about it.

And tonight, we went out on an actual date, which was glorious & sorely needed. It's exactly our third date since we've been married, which is a little sad, but it sure was fun. More dates need to be in the future, I think, though Toni has been quite understanding about the difficulty of getting to go on one for the past several months.

Something else, too. Last night when I was taking a shower, I realized that I've started to forget stuff. You know - stuff. Like other people. Stuff I remembered that I desperately wanted to forget - like how they feel, how they look, things I've done with them (yeah - I'm talking about that). You know....stuff. Stuff that's ended up being bad stuff, painful stuff, sometimes heartbreaking stuff, stuff I was afraid would haunt me forever, unhealthy stuff. But last night, under that streaming jet of warm water, I realized that I couldn't remember a few things that used to haunt me, and I was thankful to God for finally starting to take those memories away from me. And they're not right for me to have anymore, either, ya know? That's stuff that was never really mine to begin with - does that make sense? In a very real way, I feel like I stole from somebody else, and I don't want to feel like I'm in possession of something that belongs to another man, 'cause that's how I feel about many of those memories. And I certainly don't want to be carrying them into my marriage now. I'm grateful to God for restoring me a little more each day.

Hah - a long time ago, I taught a sophomore guy's Bible study. I was a closet addict already, in denial about my problems, and was really good at playing church. One of the guys in the group, a raging smart ass to be sure (a scrawny guy names Wes, whom I really came to like) said that they wanted to do the book of Job, which is a long-ass book, but a really good one about suffering.

So.....God has a sense of humor, doesn't He? I'll bet those guys don't remember a darn thing I ever taught 'em, but I sure remember what I learned trying to be ready teach them. I mean, not only is it proof that God can use a broken, pretty fake person to do some of His work, despite the inherent flaws in the vessel, but His word is so good that He can even use it to sustain (and renew) that messed up vessel for a long time to come. Even now, as I continue to go through a bunch of crap - there a line in Job that I'll stick to.

"Because even if He (God) killed me, I'd keep on hoping."
- Job 13:15

And I know there's more to the verse than that, and there's a lot more to the story, so don't get all pissy and tell me I'm taking it out of context, blah blah blah. I know Job is protesting his innocence, etc, and I'm not innocent like Job, blah blah blah. But I'm focusing on Job's faith - the unfailing faith that he has, even up until the very end, faith that remains unshaken, faith that God's going to take care of Job in the end. That faith sustains him, like I'm hoping it sustains me. Wow - I sound like my brother a little, huh? Not such a bad thing, I don't think.

And if that doesn't work for you, there's a line from the movie An Officer and a Gentleman. - "I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to....I got nothin' else." (said in a frustrated scream, while at the absolute end of your rope)

Anyway, that's it for tonight. I was also gonna make a metaphor about God's constant forgiveness being like taking a shower and how it washes you off and cleans you up everyday, but I'll save that one. I think I've said it before anyway.

See you guys tomorrow.

373

I don't think declaring bankruptcy is an acceptable option. I think I'm just going to bite the bullet, surrender the car & see if they'll let me set up a payment plan of some sort. If they insist on a lump sum they can get in line with everybody else, I guess. I'm a little concerned about a judgement or a bank levy; much like I'm concerned with one from the IRS. Ugh - debt is a terrible thing. No wonder Jesus & the Bible advise against it so strongly.

I've asked this a few times, too - how does one juggle tithing and paying off debt, man? Is it that you pay your the first part of what you receive and pay off debt with the rest? That seems to be the most logical thing to do, doesn't it? If anybody has any input on how you guys think this works I'd sure appreciate it.

I have a craving for a cold beer, a strawberry shake and a Twinkie or two. You'd think I was pregnant or something.

We're making drug tests tonight & are going to finish out our supplies. We'll be dead in the water for a few days until the rest of the supplies arrive, but we're going to use the time to grab a few hours working in the bar and getting the house straightened out. We're watching the movie "Dodgeball", which is a silly, silly movie, but fun to watch.

Oooooo - now there's a show on about these parents that enter their very young children in pageants. My initial impression is that the vast majority of these adults have some issues that they're in denial about, and some seem to be living vicariously through their children. I hope these moms are investing their kids prize winnings into a trust fun that will assist in the therapy bills these kids will undoubtedly need. Just my impression, guys.

My parent's cat Bunny seems to have calmed down some. She'll meow a greeting when I say "hi" to her and will let me pat her head a bit, and seems pretty content to lay on their bed, look out the window & laze around. Oscar got a short outdoor trial run today. He seems to like it out there. As soon as I can get the rest of his shots I think I'm going to let him start spending more time outside. I hate to allow him into a more dangerous environment, but I think he'll enjoy himself and be a bit happier with more area to roam about in. I might let Timone & Pumba explore their new domain, too, if they want to. I know it's a parenting analogy, too. Scrappy is the same, as always.

Aside from all of that, I'm about out of stuff to talk about, other than I got the picture from our Daddy Daughter Dance a few weeks ago. Here it is. I think it's a good picture. :-)



OK - see you guys tomorrow.

372

Monday's Smattering Of Random Things

In no particular order....

The Birth of the Cool
(or at least slightly more socially accpetable)
I need to thank my Aunt Martha for most of my ability to fit into society. While I'll never claim to be cool, hip, or "with-it", I was a particularly awkward junior high kid, and had no propensity for any socially acceptable dress whatsoever. It wasn't until the later half of the 7th grade that I began to, in any way, emulate the style of dress of my peers. It was, at some point in the summer between my 7th & 8th grade year, that my cousin Joanna gave me my first cool haircut, taking me from a venerable "bowl" cut I'd sported since the 3rd grade to a shorter, spiky cut I sorely needed.

I went from this:

To this:

Except I was neither a Baby nor Moe. Yea, though I had begun to master the 80's hair (much to the consternation of my dad) I was still lacking in the fashion department, and didn't have the means to improve myself in that regard financially. Fortunately, my Aunt stepped in and provided me with some back-in-the-day necessities. A Swatch. A pair of Guess Jeans. And finally - the coup de grace - a pair of contact lenses to replace the thick 1981-era glasses I had been sporting since, well, 1981. Much later, as a senior in high school, she would foot the bill for a six-month regimen of Accutane to rid me of my profound, deep set & intractable acne, providing me with a lifetime of clear skin.

As much as I owe my parents for raising me right, for providing me with sense of work ethic, kindness, compassion, innovation, dedication to God, and commitment to family, my Aunt Martha, in addition to providing me the inspiration to fight on day after day in those dark early days of my addiction recovery, provided me with a set of tools, social skills and mores I might never have otherwise acquired, and helped me survive the utter hell that is junior high school. I don't know if I ever told her thank you as an adult, but I'm sure I did as a kid. Just in case, though - thanks, Aunt Martha.


3 Guys I'd Bounce With
Brian W. (mah Big Chief)
Brent McK (of The Diner fame)
My Honorary Brother, Eric P (a lawyer)

My Cat is being a Jerk - or - Pumba is screwed today
So today we take Pumba (Code Name Diamond's fat ball of orange kitty fluff) to the vet to get his little "nuggets" (as our daughter calls them) removed. When he comes back, he tries to seek ta little comfort with his brothers, which he often does, snuggling with them in a chair or in a corner. Unfortunately, today he smells like vet, surgery, and sadness. Oscar (my cat) - and the first one to get his nuggets snipped - remembers the vet smell all too well and immediately begins hissing and swiping at him as Pumba, still in the wobbly and fading throes of the anaesthetic, stumbles drunkenly around the house. His lean and muscular brother Timone (Toni's personal feline and the only cat left with his balls intact) is slow to recognize his brother behind the unfamiliar smell and hisses also. Ultimately, Pumba is forced to sleep it off in relative isolation, away from the comfort he sought. Though we pet him often, check on him frequently, and Oscar shows signs of recognition by sniffing at him awhile he sleeps, I feel bad for him. All he wanted was a little lovin' & some comforting after being castrated, and I can't blame him for that. Oscar should certainly be more sympathetic, but you can't expect too much from somebody with the brain size of a prune. This should give the dog people a bit of ammo.

Bankruptcy vs. 17K
Is is worth declaring bankruptcy to rid yourself of $17K in unsecured debt? I don't think so, but it's one of factors of the options I'm weighing. Also, is all of this financial discussion in poor taste? I know it's generally not considered proper to discuss money and use exact dollar amount, especially when discussing how much you earn, but when you're as broke as we are and you've made your peace with it I think it ceases to matter all that much. I don't want to offend my readership, though - am I being untoward?

The Sunglasses
There's a buddy of mine whose wife had a blown blood vessel in her eye a time or two a while back. While not painful or permanently damaging, it's a little unnerving to look at first if you don't know what it is. Anyway, as she's a schoolteacher for elementary school kids, Toni and I were discussing what measures she might have taken to keep from alarming her kids, and we came up with sunglasses. We also decided that if she went so far as to wear sunglasses inside, then she might could sleep in them unnoticed, and we came up with the funny visual of her sitting upright at her desk in a classroom full of kids, snoozing behind a pair of sunglasses. We giggled at that thought for at least five minutes - it was a moment when we needed a laugh, too.

Why Zach is Funny
Facebook is packed with these fill-out "quizzes" , where you provide the answers to relatively meaningless (and often stupid) questions so that people can get to know "the real you". Anyway, my friend Zach had these answers, which I found hilarious.

#7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? "Use" sarcasm? Like recreationally? No, but I have been known to smoke a bowl of cynicism.

#16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? It's been a while since I've categorized and prioritized my shortcomings, unfortunately

#17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The really fast, nimble ones.

#38. ANY CELEBRITY CRUSHES? At this time I am aware of no celebrities that have a crush on me.

One Great Reason my wife is awesome
Today we were talking about being secure in our marriage, and she made the point that it was God that brought us together, not either one (or both ) of us, and that's illustrated in our wedding vow.

"What God hath brought together, let no man tear apart."

That makes me feel a lot more secure, and is yet another reason I'm glad she let me marry her. I sooooo married over my head with her.

One reason Code Name Diamond's Mom is a pretty good person
I'm behind on my child support, as you guys know, but instead of throttling, bashing, nagging or haranguing me, she's generously offered to help with assisting in our financial plans (as needed) to assist in our financial recovery. As she's worked for investment firms like Fidelity and is a now a financial planner - and a good one at that - I thought it was nice of her.

Are We Getting Toni's car back?
Yeah - we got paid this weekend. Am I keeping mine? Right now, probably not. More on that as I figure it out.

My Folks coming home
Yeah - in a few weeks, I think. I don't have the exact date yet. The house is now only partially impossibly cluttered, but I think it's fixable by the time the get home. They'll be here for my cousin's (daughter's) wedding (which will be one for the record books, sounds like), which Toni and I have to miss.

Still a (recovering) Addict
Last week I had to walk out of KFC while my wife was in the restroom. I saw a girl at the mall with these track short I really like (admit it, guys - we all have something that does it for us), and I had to turn my back to her. Every once in a while I still have selfish desires to communicate with people I shouldn't, and don't consider how hurtful those actions would be to others. I'd like to talk to my therapist about that sometime soon. I don't know where those feelings come from.

One More Great Reason my wife is awesome
I can discuss crap like this with my wife and she makes me feel loved, safe and secure. She is wonderful, supportive, and I couldn't ask for more. She makes it safe for me to be real, open, 100% honest and communicate at a heart level with her, and I need that.

Dental Health
I need to go see the dentist. I've been chipping the tartar off of my teeth with dental hook every few weeks, but I know I can't get to it all. I'm eventually gonna be able to donate blood just by brushing. I won't put off seeing a dentist forever, but since it's been a few years I can wait a few more weeks (or months), right?

Ick - what a gross note to end on. Hang on - I can't wrap it up with that.

God Always Comes Through
On Sunday, I scrounged together my last $1.12 to put enough gas in the tank to make it to church. While it wasn't enough to get home, we did get there OK. I'll admit it - I prayed on how i was going to get home, man. After church, some of our church family helped us out and we were able to get gas and some money for food. In the Wal-Mart parking lot, we helped somebody jump-start their car. I was wearing my "Fully Known...Fully Loved" Celebrate Recovery shirt, and the lady asked what church I went to. She was really nice and insisted that I take a few dollars for my trouble, which I ultimately did. She told us to get a cold Coke with it before we went our separate ways.

So.....today, after getting breakfast and taking the cat to the vet, I ended up with the same $4 in my pocket that the lady had given me on Sunday. This afternoon, this guy was canvassing the neighborhood and stopped by our house; a very polite black guy about my age with a limp and a gold grill on his teeth. My initial inclination was that he's selling magazine subscriptions or doing the legwork for a marketing firm or the pre-research for the Kirby or rainbow guys, but he was nonetheless very polite, respectful and not at all pushy at the door. We never found out what he was selling or what he was doing. When he left, I remembered the Bible verse that talks about giving a cup of cold water, and that stuck in my head something fierce, and I regretted not thinking to give him the $4. Fortunately, when we left to pick up Pumba at the vet, we drove by him. I felt compelled to stop the car, get out and gave him that same $4 that the lady had given me in the Wal-mart parking lot, so I did. He said "God Bless you, man." and we went our separate ways. and you know what? He did. He always does.

The point of this is not to say how great and generous I am - far from it. I'm pretty selfish, pretty broken, and can be quite self absorbed most of the time. Ask anybody, man. The reason I wrote about it is this: I want to talk about another experience I had about how great God is. God used His church family to give me a cup of cold water on Sunday, and I still love how God can use people you don't even know to bless people you don't even know, even in the tiniest of ways. I hope he got himself a cold Coke with it.

OK - that's better.

371

I saw this picture and I liked it, but I couldn't think of a reason to post it. The bar I work at is closed this weekend for renovation, so I don't have to go to work there until next week. I'm doing some renovation work up there, but it's during the day, and I have my night available for other things. It's nice, man. I'm enjoying a nice change of pace this Thursday. Anyway, back to my blog....

Tonight I'm getting an early start, and this time I shall offer a pictorial display of the last few weeks - just pics we've taken that I wanted to share but didn't have time to post until now. People like pictures because they tell a thousand words, right? So.....here we go.


Pumba has decided that he enjoys looking out the front door. For Zombies.


Timone has discovered the glory of pillows....


....and Oscar still uses me as his pillow whenever he can.


We had fun when the three of us went out on a nature walk two weekends ago.


She loved the little waterfall we found.


Remember when I was talking about how I had only eaten a pile of saltines with peanut butter, marshmallows & chocolate chips on them? I had to re-make one of 'em because somebody thought it would be funny to stick one of 'em on my gut. And then take a picture. Which I decided to post, because to me, a guy with a cracker stuck to his belly is kind of funny, even if he is kind of pale.


And on Thursday, the three of us made pizza, which turned out pretty well. I'm gonna try to improve on the basic recipe, but it was pretty tasty.

OK - that's it for now, guys. See you guys tomorrow!

367

Um - Wednesday (or Thursday, I guess)

I'm a little wacky again. I slept until about 12:30 today. We went to bad last night at midnight. I figure I was due for some shuteye - I'd had exactly 90 minutes of sleep in the previous 24 hours. I don't think I even dreamed.

Today Toni and I went up to the bar & helped them do some remodeling. I got to break about 20 empty liquor bottles (with a hammer, no less) and we did some general cleaning. Once we got back I made dinner and we got to work making tests. I've been making tests for nearly ten hours ago, and I'm starting to make mistakes, so I'm gonna knock it off for a few hours and eat the breakfast that Toni made me. Bacon, eggs and pancakes, yo. That's a lot better than having tiny glass ampoules of hydrochloric acid cook off and explode six inches from your face and splash hot, molten shards of glass and acid at you. Tonight I hate my job. > angry face <

We're going to go back to the bar in about six hours and work some more, because I can't stand to lose the income that we'd be out because of the remodeling. I'm just trying to make up my hours before I loose 'em.

So, on my second day of having an honest-to-God year of sobriety under my belt, I had to leave KFC when Toni went to the restroom before we left. I still have to watch my tail, ladies & gentlemen. Instead of opting to stay there and fight a battle I knew I was going to lose, I went out and got the car for my wife. That was a much better decision. God does a pretty god job of keeping me humble now and then.

Toni and still talk about this At length on some days. We both know that there's some stuff I just can't handle, and that maybe I'll never be able to "handle". I know I still look for trouble or spend more time than I should in fear of it, in one way or another, every now and again, but I'm getting a lot better about it. I still have areas that my armour just doesn't cover, man. Fortunately, I'm not to proud to flee, ya know? I don't like having those "weaknesses" like that, but I have an understanding wife to protect me and lay down the cover fire while I run away. I hope that's OK for me to say. She's a wonderful partner, too - like having a good cop in the squad car with you, but instead of the two of you working a precinct you just do life together, and you both know that you can depend on the other, and that you can trust the other with your life.
But I digress.

You'll all be happy to know I took a shower (two, actually) scrubbed my teeth off and shaved yesterday. Glorious.


OK - time to go. Breakfast is ready.

366

PS - The cartoon in the NY Times with the chimp getting shot isn't racist. Good Lord.

Oh, if you could see me now.

You would likely flinch, if not recoil in horror. Allow me to elaborate.

I'm on Day #3 with the socks. The underwear is only on Day #2. I don't know how long I've had these pants on, and that's not a joke. I think it was last week sometime. Ditto the shirt, though they've been spared some of the naturally occurring funk because I've been taking them (and my pants ) off periodically when I get too hot running the Mapp/Pro gas blowtorch in the living room. I haven't shaved in over a week, and I look awful. I haven't had a shower or brushed my teeth in three days. I have deep black circles under my eyes and my hair looks like an unkempt auburn haystack. The last thing I ate was a plate of saltines with peanut butter, marshmallows & chocolate chips on 'em, and that was at about four or five this morning. I ran out of Dr. Pepper shortly thereafter.

This morning I've made two trips to Walmart, one to the post office, and I spent half of my last $20 to put gas in the car. I've shipped 11 orders, 12 1099-misc IRS forms (late) and sent all the necessary paperwork to the IRS (also late). If I want to keep my wife's car I'm gonna have to borrow the money. I petted the bold gray cat that comes in & eats Scrappy's food. I don't know if it's the same cat Brando dubbed "Evil Gray" but it sure doesn't have any qualms about coming into the garage. The gearshift in my car was sticking last night, but it seems to have corrected itself. I helped spill some Dr. Pepper down there, and I suspect that's the culprit.

My body clock is so completely whacked it's lunchtime and I'm either not tired or I'm beyond exhaustion & working my way towards zombietown, which I might never live down. I barely know what day it is, and I know there's no point in sleeping, because I'll have to get up in 90 minutes to get ready to pick up my kiddo. I missed her last Thursday (she had a cold) and I'm making it up tonight. I think we're going to try to make pizza - I saw some dough mix at the store.

Anyway, I have to clean up before I pick her up, because I look awful. I smell a bit gamey. I'm beyond exhausted, and my body clock wouldn't know a circadian rhythm if it had a bell around its neck. I'm absurdly broke, and not entirely sure where my next meal is coming from. I still don't know what God's plan for me is. I need a haircut, a shower, a shave, about 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep and several thousand dollars to keep my head above water. I'm getting that dizzy vertigo feeling from not having my meds in the past 72 hours (I'm getting the refill en route to pick her up - no worries) and I have several new holes in my jeans I can't quite account for. And as I write this, somebody just came to the door to hang up some kind of door-hanger ad, and - I swear this is true - I almost launched myself into a barking fit just to see if they would run. There are clothes in the dryer, I've been trying my beloved wife's patience for the past 36 hours, and the litter box needs cleaning.

But man, oh, man - I'm sober.

Thank you guys - all of you.

Thank you God - to you be the Glory.

365

I'm in a bad mood

I ran out of my meds on Saturday, but I'm picking up my refill tomorrow. Tonight however, I'm grouchy.

I'm starting to really think that I need to re-evaluate my car situation. Right now I'm paying just a hair under $600 as a result of a rolling the negative equity from a bad lease deal on my prior vehicle into this one. I'm concerned that it's come to the point where it's no longer economically viable (or possible), especially when I'm in such poor financial straits. Toni's ride is about half that, if I can get it back in time to keep it from going to auction before Friday. If I can figure out a way to surrender it voluntarily and/or find a way to walk away from it that would be ideal, but I have no clue how to pull that off. I think the odds of keeping Toni's truck go up a little if I can - I figure since my credit is already pretty much destroyed I can afford to take another big hit if it'll help keep her's from declining any further. I've already made my peace with declaring bankruptcy (for me) at this point. It'll mean I can't get a loan for a long time, but maybe that's better than trying to go on when you're so far past your financial means you don't really see any way out other than filing bankruptcy of some kind. I know it'd be easy to come up with a financial plan for debt recovery, but my first obstacle is getting some income, which has proven to be a problem as of late. Hopefully it'll change soon - I'm working hard to finish improve our situation, but it's either really slow going or I'm doing it wrong and I don't know it.

On a good note, my pinto beans turned out really good tonight.

Walmart is a bad place to go when you're grouchy. Inwardly, I get all hostile and resentful of everybody else in the store. I think they're just wandering around with no plan, destination or goal and they're just in my way instead of doing what I'm doing, which is trying to look and find the best use for their money. Noisy kids are brats, not just being happy kids. Everybody in the customer service line in front of me can't possibly need anything as important as I do. Everybody in the checkout line in front of me could have waited and got their stuff another night, 'cause, you know - they don't need to eat. And, of course, *I* don't have the problem.

*sigh*

Ugh - I think I'm gonna go eat. The penultimate date of my one-year of sobriety is quite inauspicious and sort of a letdown, but that's OK. Not all days are good - sunshine and roses don't happen every day. But I'm still sober, still married, still pretty happy, still safe, and in a few minutes I'll be full, and that ain't bad.

364 still.

Well....

I'm getting quite a bit done. I started working at about 9 PM last night after spending a pretty relaxing day lazing around with Toni. Now I've got orders waiting to ship, all my 1099 forms filled out, all my paperwork done, all (OK.....most) of my invoices reconciled, all my orders processed, today's production schedule ready to go, all my business e-mail caught up, my order board back up & running, my credit cards all processed, the couch cleaned off, some idea of how we can combine the workspace with the rest of the living room.....

You get the idea.

It's been a good 13 hours. Finally - I needed a good productive day. Or night. Whatever. And I have to say that I actually enjoy the "running the business" part of being self-employed. I like the business end of it more than the production end of it. At least I feel like I'm thinking when doing everything I've been doing tonight, ya know? Toni went to bed several hours ago, which is good. My wife is pretty terrific.

Saturday night at the bar was kind of rough - one of our best guys got his hand broken in a fight, which I hate to see. I think he's going to be OK, but I still hate to see a guy I consider a friend get hurt, especially because of somebody who just couldn't behave. With all the "drink specials" they were running (which means they were trying to get rid of al the liquor that doesn't sell well - and tends to make people vomit - , like "Hot Damn" and "Goldschlager"), I think we're fortunate the night didn't go a whole lot worse. I haven't seen that many profoundly intoxicated people in a long time. I've only had two bad nights at work since October, and that was one of them.

Hrm - spellcheck has crapped out on me for some reason. And Google keeps sending me to Google France, which I find unpleseant for some reason. Oooo - and the italics have gone south on me as well, so now I'm having to insert the tags for 'em myself. You guys can thank Bri for teaching me how to do that. Oh man.....I can't add acat today, either. That sucks.

Well, I'm gonna start wrapping this up & get a few hours before I get back to work. I have to get up and get some bacon & onions for the beans I'm making tonight, so I can't sleep too long, else the beans won't get to cook long enough.

See you guys tomorrow, or tonight, whenever I get back in front of this box again. Thank you guys for stopping by :-)

364

O' short update - how we love thee....

I have a cold. I blame the weather, three shedding cats and a little bit of sloth when it comes to vacuuming. (The sloth has been corrected)

We're getting plenty of work stuff done, though Friday & Saturday weren't as productive as the rest of the week. Today we caught up on some rest from last night.

I have to brag on my wife for a minute, too. Last night, Toni busted four guys with fake ID's, which led us to another bust of two more. The seized ID's were handed over to FWPD. As it turns out, they're "Travelers" or gypsies of Irish descent that travel the country scamming money. Thanks to Toni, there were six fewer of 'em in our establishment last night. One of 'em did try to fight on the way out, but as he was a whopping 5'3 and maybe 105 lbs he was quickly wrapped up. Good thing, too - the first bouncer this little squirrel squared off against is a former United States Marine, and a combat vet who survived two 7.62mm rounds to the chest and with enough Taliban on his scoreboard (2 of which were taken with a Ka-Bar) to make me call him "sir".

We got all of our office stuff moved out on Friday, which means that the house is even more stuffed with things we already don't have room for. Toni's brother Michael (or "Bubba" as he's more popularly known) drove his truck for us, and a more cautious driver I don't know when I've seen. It'll be an adventure getting it all sorted out and squared away, but I know it can be done.

The cats are particularly frisky today. They're chasing each other around the house furiously and peering out the windows looking for birds. We also think that Oscar has been wetting out of stress, so we're giving him lots of extra love and assurance, and it seems to be working some so far. Fortunately, he's only been spraying the walls and doors, so it's an easy clean-up when it does happen. He hasn't touched the carpets, so it's been very easy to find & eradicate with a blacklight.

We did make it to CR last night. I was telling the guys how even though much my life has gone to hell in a hand basket, my sobriety, my serenity and my relationship with God and Toni are doing pretty well, and when all of the things that should be priorities are being kept as priorities, it takes a lot of the stress away the the other junk can cause. I like that, man.

Well, I think that's about it for today, man. We're going to Pizza Inn for our Valentine's Day of sorts, before we go in to work. Nothing says "love" like fighting drunks and busting gypsies together.

362

Thursday's Bonus Blog

Toni and I were talking about this at Whataburger at about 4 this morning, and neither of us had an answer, though we've both experienced it. Here's the question:

Why is it that the most chaotic and most unstable relationships are the hardest ones to recover from?

I've experienced a few times, and it's always these that hurt the most and take to longest to recover from. Sometimes it's taken me years to fully heal from the wounds from this kind of relationship, and I still have my struggles every so often.

Anybody?

I don't know which blog to count this as.....

It's now very much Thursday, and yesterday was Wednesday. I haven't gone to bed yet - we've been up all night working, but we've gotten a lot done. I think we might take a nap & get back up in a few hours & return to our work. If I get too off track I hope you'll forgive me.

I want to write about two things today:

#1) Taking every opportunity to open the door to talk abut the difference God has made in your life no matter where you are or what you're doing

I don't think I've managed to serve in any kind of formal or official capacity at our home church for several weeks, if not months. I know that's probably not quite where I ought to be at, but in he past several weeks I've discovered that I feel pretty good about going out of my way to be kind to strangers, mostly at the bar, and I try pretty hard t make a concerted effort to do it every time I go in. I feel like a lot of them deserve some kindness, and maybe they don't get it from everybody. I don't have an explanation for that, other than it's just a feeling I get. Something else I've been doing, too. Every time I post anything on Facebook, which has been a whole twice now, I do my best to mention something about my recovery or about some of the issues I've dealt with, like my anger. I do it in hopes that maybe somebody out there will read it, and maybe I can get the opportunity to tell them what God has done for me. I don't know if it's a long shot or a waste of time or not, but I sure like telling folks about how God has brought me through a lot of crap I couldn't handle on my own. I don't know if I'd call it a mission field or anything like that, but I've seen God work in really unexpected ways before, ya know? I'm still looking for a place to serve in church that I feel lead to do, too. I know that sounds tacky and lazy - I don't mean it to.


#2) Where I was about a year ago, how far I've come and how far God has carried me.

Last year at this time I think I was in a pretty crummy place. I won't go into details (I don't think I need to anyway), but it was rough, especially Valentines Day, shortly after which was the last time I lost it and broke sobriety, I think. Girl trouble. I'd be lying if I said I don't have to maintain some vigilance and consciously choose to commit some thoughts now and again to God, and I still get in a little rut or get a little down now and again for reasons I still can't quite identify. I still can't handle those thoughts on my own. Odds are I never will be able to, I guess, but that's OK. I don't have to. All I need to remember to do is take them and instead of trying to control them, manage them or deny them, I just turn them over to God and let Him deal with them - just like I did when I was first getting sober. It never ends, man. It never ends. I still have to stick with the basics, and sometimes it's the same battles you've been fighting for a really long time, and sometimes those old struggles can reappear without warning and blindside you when you least expect it. It's sometimes heard to remember what you're supposed to do, but after a while I eventually remember and get myself back on he right track. God is good that way.

360 days, man. I haven't self-medicated, rubbed one out, looked at porn or had sex with anybody I wasn't married to in 360 days.

I look back to where I was about three years ago. I was self-medicating 5-6 times a day and I couldn't stop. I had a porn habit I couldn't control, was in an unstable relationship I couldn't hold together, and I couldn't stop lying or acting outside of ways that were outside of my own value system. I was deeply, wildly angry, living in abject fear of being abandoned, had an awful self-image, was fiercely co-dependent. I was hurting the people that I loved the most and was sabotaging every relationship I had.

I'm far from perfect, but I'm a hell of a lot better today than I was. I think most of you guys have been there with me for most of it, even when I've changed blogs or isolated myself. I owe a lot to you guys for sticking with me' it's because I feel like I'm talking to somebody here that I continue to write and share what I'm going through. If I thought I had no readers I don't know how I'd have done. You guys encouragement here has meant more to me that you guys will every know, and I mean that for all of you.

Pony asked me if I'm going to do anything special on my 365th day. I haven't really thought about it. I might have a brownie, and I'll probably call my CR guys and cry with them. It will have taken me 978 days to make it a year.

I can't give up, and I won't give up now.
I've come too far.
I've fought too hard.
I've seen too much of God's goodness to bail out on Him now.
I can't go back. I won't go back.
I've found another street.
I'm living my contract more than ever before, which makes sense to three of you.

And I know some kind of attack is on the way, man, so I'm ready to tighten my armour, lower the mask, put my shield up and hunker down and let God cover me.

Anyway, that's it for today, or yesterday, or whatever.

360

You know what?

OK - it says I wrote this on Tuesday, but I'm going to count this as Monday's blog 'cause I haven't gone to bed yet.

It's awful tempting to write things just to try to get comments. I think it's a sickness of mine. It's also a huge temptation to ponder your readership as well. I do both of there.

I will never - ever - tell somebody to "just go get a job" ever again. It's not that easy, man. I think I've applied for five jobs in the past two weeks. So far - nothing. I'm gonna try to apply for five more in the next week and do follow-up calls on the applications I've already made. I have to admit - it makes me wonder what God has in store for me. It has to be better than anything I've come up with on my own so far, man. So far he apparently doesn't want me to manage a restaurant, work in a crime lab, or help with autopsies. It's odd to think He needs me broke and working in a bar for $8 an hour three nights a week, but it's where He has me right now. I guess the smart thing would be for me to do would to be grateful and thankful from where I am right now, so I will. I'm hoping that He has Big Things in store from our little company, but I'm content with whatever He chooses for me and my family.

I sure do like hanging out with Toni. Even if we're just going to the store, she makes it much more pleasant just by being there. She really is my best friend, and I just can't envision my life without her in it. It's nice having a partner for everything.

I went to court today. I was open and honest and truthful and got a 60-day extension on my hearing. I'm hoping I'll have the cash to pay the tickets by then. That's good news.

Nostalgia has it's limits. I rented "Battle of the Planets" from Netflix. It's a cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid. It came on a DVD with 25 episodes.



I barely made it through the first two before I turned it off - I just couldn't take it anymore. "Star Blazers" was a LOT better, man. It's worthy of both bold and italic fonts.

Speaking of nostalgia, there's a lot of it on Facebook, which I've been on less and less lately. There's a lot of "High School Memories" stuff. Truth be told, I disliked most of high school except for band, newspaper, the one whole play I was in drama, and German and my senior English classes. I think the only way I would ever go back would be on the one condition that I know everything I know now - beyond that I just ain't interested, man. It's nice to reconnect with everybody from school again - it really is - but I think that's as close to high school as I want to get.

I sure do like marshmallows, especially in ice cream.

We're finally getting all of these backlogged work orders shipped. It feels good to get 'em out, man. It's a huge relief.

There's a guy at the bar that takes out the trash for all of us. He's a Mexican guy named Pedro. He's 55 and I make sure I give him a hug every time I come in. He's trying to teach me Spanish, but it goes slowly - further complicated by the fact that I tend to translate any other language into German first before I speak it. I help him carry the trash cans and make his way through the crowd. We can converse a little back and forth in Spanish - I like doing that. He's a good guy, man.

I've hit a wall in the food department. We've been eating a lot of sandwiches & cereal lately. I'm having one of those weeks when very little sounds good to eat. Even the stuff I love to eat (and cook) sounds not so good. Even the palate-cleansing fallbacks (Chinese food & Long John Silvers) sound a bit unappealing. Perhaps I need to branch out and try some new things. I would like a shake, though, especially coupled with fries, a burger & properly served in a the metal cup. I just saw a gut in TV eating that at a greasy spoon burger joint. Ah, TV - is there anything you can't do?

"Real Genius" is on TV - this movie is way too smart for me, so I'm going to bail & hit the sack.

358 'cause I haven't gone to bed yet.

Five Day Update

All right - let me catch you guys up from Thursday on. Bad news first.

On Thursday night (while I was at work) Toni got a knock on the door after midnight, which spooked her. Turns out it was the repo man, who returned the next day at a more reasonable hour. Damn. I think we can get her ride back with non problem, though - it just means a few more bills will be late.

The buyer on my house is being skittery and tried to back out, but I just found out that they're still in. If the deal falls through I might go back and take back my ceiling fans, my vise and my coffin, but Toni says we can get new fans. I'm now supposed to close on the 13th - I'll keep you folks posted.

I also have to be out of our office by the end of the week, as I've fallen too far behind to stay. We have an agreement worked out with the landlady so we can get back in eventually.

Wednesday night I accidentally broke a bottle of Worcestershire sauce (which I think it gross) in the kitchen, which resulted in a strongly smell permeating the room. Pumba tried to cover it up but his efforts were without success.

While we had Code Name Diamond on Thursday night, we played another round of "Will Pumba Eat It?" This week it was Little Caesar's Breadsticks - the answer is "no".

On both Friday and Saturday nights I ended up cleaning up the bar almost by myself. The other bouncers either called in sick or left before we were even close to being done. I'd gripe more but I came in late both nights (for good reason, I might add) and I got to make up the time afterwards. I was there until 3:45 AM on both nights, but I liked to be able to get the job done my way and leave knowing the jobs were all done correctly. Let's talk about why I was late though, shall we?

On Friday I was late because I took Code Name Diamond to our church's Daddy / Daughter Dance at Circle R Ranch. We ate BBQ (which was tasty), got our picture taken, took a hayride and danced. She petted the horses and we played pool, and shuffleboard. It was a lot of fun, and I was really happy to get to spend some quality time with her and create some good memories with her. I'm glad we go to spend some "us" time.

On Friday night, after the bar closed, I was notified by Lou (the hot dog guy) that there was a guy passed out in the parking lot, sitting in his car, with the lights on, the motor running, parked in a handicapped space.

Nice.

After several unsuccessful attempts to wake him, I took his keys, killed his lights, told him to sleep tight, and locked him in his car. I took his keys and put them on his right rear tire, figuring when he woke up, he'd have to be fairly sober to find his keys. His car was gone the next day, so I guess he found 'em. Next time that happens I'm going to hide the keys and leave a note saying "if you want your keys back, call (my phone number)" and if they sound sober enough I'll tell 'em where I hid 'em.

Saturday, after a breakfast of marshmallow waffles and bacon (which Toni cooked to perfection) the three of us went on a nature walk the woods. Our daughter got to do some exploring, which she enjoyed. She played in a little waterfall and learned a little about animal tracking. Saturday night we had dinner at Brian & Cristina's place, where she played with Diesel, Tim's pug, whom she eventually wore out. Bri made smoked chicken, which was almost good enough to make me cry. It was totally worth being late for work for, and I didn't get in trouble anyway. I like hanging out with Bri & his wife - they're really nice and marvelous hosts.

On Saturday night, I worked the door at the bar. As it turns out, it was fortunate I did, because at about midnight, this drunk guy and his buddy show up the door with a bartender from the tavern next door hot on his heels. As soon as the drunk pulls out his ID, the bartender tells me "Hey - we just kicked this guy out because he peed in a trash can." And thus began the discussion:

Me: Sorry, pal - you can't come in.
Drunk: Why not?
Me: Because you peed in a trash can at Woody's.
Drunk: So?
Me: If you get kicked out of Woody's you can't come in here.
Drunk: I didn't pee in a trash can.
Me: Woody's says you did. You can't come in.
Drunk: Who said I peed in a trash can?
Me: The bartender right behind you. He said you did.
Drunk: I don't know that guy.
Me: I'll bet you don't. Take a hike, pal. Have a good night.
Drunk: But why can't I come in?
Me: Because you peed in a trash can at Woody's.
Drunk: I didn't pee in a trash can.
Me: You aren't coming in tonight, man. Take a hike.
Drunk: Why?
Me: We're a private club, man. We are refusing you service.
Drunk: But why?
Me: We reserve the right to refuse service to anybody. Get lost.
Drunk: But why?
Me: Look man, you can leave on your own our I can compel you to leave.
Drunk: But why? I didn't pee in a trash can.
Me: This is not a discussion, sport. Nothing you can say is going to change the fact that you're not coming in tonight.

-> At this point his friend turns to leave.

Drunk: Why won't you let me in?
Me: Because you peed in a trash can at Woody's. Walk away. Now.
Drunk: I didn't pee.
Me: Get out, man. I'm not going to tell you again.
Drunk: I don't know that guy. Who's that guy?

-> Friend steps entirely away & out the door. I flash the cop inside the club because I want a witness I told this clown to leave before I eject him.

Cop: What's up?
Me: He got kicked out of Woody's. He's got alcohol on his breath & won't leave. Oh - he also peed in a trash can.
Drunk: Who's that guy?
Cop: Did you pee in a trash can?
Drunk: Huh? No. I don't know that guy. I didn't pee in a trash can.
Cop: Did he tell you to leave?
Drunk: Who's that guy?
Cop: Take a hike, man. Come back another night.
Drunk: Why?

-> I blade my shoulders & put my flashlight in it's holder, cop reaches for baton.

Drunk: (struggling to put ID back in his wallet) Fine.

Dang.

On Sunday we went to church and made burgers afterwards. Code Name Diamond played computer games for much of the afternoon as it looked like rain. I napped on the couch, and her Mom picked her up at 5. Toni was a trooper all weekend and took care of both of us - no easy task.

Today we've been doing work stuff all day, but it's stuff than NEEDS to get done, and fast. It'll be the same deal tomorrow and Wednesday, which is good news.

Oh - I do have court tomorrow for two citations I got in Roanoke, both of which I had coming but can't afford to do anything about today. I'll have throw myself on the mercy of the court and see if I can work some of it off or REALLY stretch out the payment plans.

Anyway, that's all of it for now. See you guys tomorrow - thanks for reading!

357

Ooooooooo - cool number.

Thursday

I think I came off a little more harsh than I meant to about the Bible yesterday, and I wanted to clarify a few things.

That's what my human (sin) nature thinks about it (the Bible), and that's what I struggle against. The "rest" of me knows better. I know all the good things the Bible has in it as well. I do want to reiterate that in the past three days I did learn (both intellectually & emotionally) that I need that input, and I'm profoundly less hostile towards it than I was before I began. I didn't know I was bearing that kind of hostility towards it until I searched my heart and really thought it out, which I've never really done before - at least not about why I didn't like to read the Bible, anyway. I had to go a lot deeper than I thought was there. It's still kind of surprising what dark corners of your sin nature that you can still uncover when appropriately directed by your brothers here on Earth, especially when you're trying to listen to God a little better. For what it's worth, I came out of the fast with some of my most pressing questions answered, which was my intent all along. I suppose God can speak to you through a lot more means that we generally expect.

Anyway, that was it for today. Yesterday's was long - today's is short.

I didn't cheat and I stuck it out for the full three days. I feel pretty good about that. Oh - and we went to Whataburger afterwards.

And I read my Bible again tonight, too. I hope to make a habit out of that as well.

353

As an aside....

...and to take up time before I go eat in 1 hour and 48 minutes.

I got tagged with this on Facebook, but I'll post it here. You guys have been tagged. Hah - snuck up on you, didn't I?

1. Where is your cell phone? Holster
2. Your significant other? Toni
3. Your hair? Red
4. Your mother? Mom
5. Your father? Dad
6. Your favorite thing? Food
7. Your dream last night? Nothing
8. Your favorite drink? Dr.Pepper
9. Your dream/goal? Survival
10. The room you're in? Den
11. Your fear? Poverty
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Paid
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Rich
15. One of your wish list items? M-4
16. Where you grew up? Texas
17. The last thing you did? Watch TV
18. What are you wearing? Converse
20. Your pet(s)? Stinky
21. Your life? Blessed
22. Your mood? Content

-> There's no 24, for some reason.

23. Missing someone? Daughter
25. Something you're not wearing? Gun
26. Favorite Stores? Fiction
27. Your summer? Hot
28. Your favorite color? Blue
29. When is the last time you laughed? Morning
30. Last time you cried? Unknown
31. Of whom are you most proud? Toni
32. Three people who email you? Kent, Erin, Spammers
33. Three places you go over and over? Sonic, Home, bar
34. Your favorite 3 foods? Burger, fries, pizza
35. Three places you would rather be? Beach, Beach, Range
36. If you won the lottery? Give

Day Three

OK - here's what I've learned so far:

Part I - I think I need to read my Bible more.

Last night, my brother asked me this question:

"if you dread reading his word, you might ask yourself why that is."

So I did, and I came to this conclusion.

I think the Bible is boring - that's why I don't read it. I like fiction and good storytelling. Now I know that the Bible is chock-full of stories, but they're not as fun for me to read as Lonesome Dove. Secondly, I feel like I've heard it all already. I think I've heard it all taught before. I feel like I know what all the answers are, so I don't see the point in spending a lot of time reading something I find dull, predictable, repetitive, sappy, overbearing, and generally a waste of time. To me, it serves no point to spend time on it.

Now - don't give up on me yet. I read it anyway, and I got a different experience than I had expected. I didn't get some big spiritual awakening, but I sure felt more relaxed afterwards. Hey, man - I'll take that, ya know?

When I re-read my brother's post from yesterday, he also said this:

"You know what other people have told you it says. But you don't know. If you knew what it says you would want to read it more."

I have to admit, that's true.

I know what Dave DeWitt has told me it says.
I know what Bob Wilkins has told me it says.
I know what Charlie Oldenberg has told me it says.
I know what Woody Woodward has told me it says.
I know what Tim Stevenson has told me it says.
I know what Dave Semmelbeck has told me it says.
I know what Mike Messerli has told me it says.
I know what Brent McKinney has told me it says.
I know what Hank Hanagraff has told me it says.
I know what Chuck Colson has told me it says.
I know what Bob George has told me it says.
I know what Pat Robertson has told me it says.
I know what James Dobson has told me it says.
I know what Tony Evans has told me it says. (I should listened to him more)
I know what my brother has told me it says.
I know what Celebrate Recovery has told me it says.
I know what Toby Slough has told me it says.

You get the idea, right? But Brando has a point - I've spent right as jack squat reading it for myself, and I think I need to change that.

See, what I think I've done is equivalent to sitting in front of the TV, not turning it on, and then bitching when I don't get any information. Additionally, since I'm depending on TV to give me the directions that I need to live my life, I've been running around in circles a lot of the time trying to guess what I think the TV would tel me to do, or trying to do whatever anybody else tells me is on TV. I think if I turn on the TV, look at the screen and listen to whatever comes out of it, then I might be a little less frazzled.

That's good information to know.

Part II - I should stress less about serving

My friend Zach said this:

If someone can find a verse that says, "Make sure you find a place to volunteer at your local church," please post it, but I haven't seen one.

I've been running in circles for several days (or weeks) trying to figure out where I fit in, like there's some kind of Ian-shaped hole at my church I ought to fit perfectly into. So far, I haven't found that hole. But I think that's OK. I think God wants me to serve Him whenever, however, with whomever as I'm able and not worry so much about whether or not I'm doing "His Will". I don't think God sweats this as much as I have been lately, as long as I'm helping out when and where I can. I don't think I'm necessarily restricted or limited to serving at my home church, though I'll continue to look for someplace to serve.

Part III - God might use me differently than I think He will

My friend Brian said this:

"People told me when I was going through a rough patch that maybe He put me through that so I could minister to others in that situation. So far I haven't found that to be the case, really."

Hey - God may not use me to minister to divorced people or recovering addicts or broke people. I kind of expected that He would, but so far He hasn't. He might not, but I'm not going to worry about it any more - I'm just gonna trust Him.

Part IV - Joy does not come from service, but I think service comes from joy.

I think I need to work on getting the joy of my salvation back - then I don't think it's going to matter what or where I'm serving.

And I think odds are I can get a lot of that back from reading His word, which I can do, now that I have a reason I can wrap my head around.

Anyway, today's blog was really long - thank you for getting to the end of it. I hope some of this makes sense.

I'm kind of hungry, though. Did I learn enough to eat yet ;-) ?

352

5:50 and I still don't know what to do

Today wasn't completely unproductive, though it was pretty close. I haven't gone to bed yet, though I think I might here in a few. I showered, shaved and brushed my teeth and felt better afterwards, and I applied for two jobs online I think I would be good at and that probably wouldn't be eliminated anytime soon. If anything happens with them I'll let you guys know. I made myself out a schedule to better manage my time, and I'm going to try to stick to it as best I can. If I do, though, I get up in about two hours.

So far the worst part is a caffeine headache from not drinking any sodas. I'm hungry but not overly so. I've gone this long without eating before, so thus far it seems OK.

I don't know what to pray for, so I haven't - not really. I haven't eaten anything, though - just water. I've slept a lot, which I probably needed to do anyway.

Toni and I have been given an opportunity to get away for a few days, and I think I might take it as soon as I get these horribly late orders shipped out. I also found out that the Daddy/Daughter Dance at church is on Friday and not on Saturday, like I originally thought. That would have been terrible to miss that.

I guess that's it for today, guys. I have almost nothing to report, but I figured I'd better write something. Toni has been keeping the same rotten hours I've been keeping, and I feel guilty about that, like it's my fault somehow. I'm trying to get her to eat, too, but she isn't eating as much as I wish she would. She says she's just eating normally, though, so apparently this is what it looks like when I (don't) eat, which isn't good.

It's cold outside, which I don't like.

Ugh - forget it. I got nothin' else today. I wish I did - I wish God would say something really big, or I wish I was listening better. I don't know why I don't feel any different, or why I'm not listening better. Part of me feels like I'm not listening at all, and that I'm just making myself hungry for nothing. I'd like to report something BIG or some kind of revelation, but so far I'm just tired and have a headache, and I still don't know what I ought to be doing for God.

I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING, ya know? I feel like I need to be serving SOMEHOW, and I feel like I'm not. I feel like I should be working HARDER for God. I feel like I should be SERVING Him more than I am. I feel like I'm not working hard enough for God, that I can do MORE. I haven't made my peace with just letting God love me, maybe. I feel like I ought to WANT to be giving something back, and that's what all the recovery stuff says, too. I 'm afraid I'll slide backwards if I'm not serving somehow, but I have to admit I hate 90% of the ways I feel like "good Christians" serve. I don't like working in the nursery, or filling the seat backs with programs or stacking chairs or setting up tables or directing traffic, though those are all good and necessary things - it feels like WORK to me, and shouldn't you have JOY in your hearts when you're serving God? It seems to me if you're serving God from your heart, you ought to be joyful doing it.

I can't find that joyful thing, except for working medical stuff on a mission trip that one time, and I got bounced from ever doing that again, so that's gone. I want THAT feeling again, or at least something that makes me experience that same joy again. And it seems like it should be something I do every day, or at least every week, ya know? I want to feel like I'm helping somebody; like I'm making an actual difference in somebody's life.

Damn, man - I have such a NEED to rescue, protect and help people. I'm hardwired that way, man. I mean - look at what I dropped out of college to do. EMT. Cop. I even view my bouncer job as protecting the folks in the bar (several of whom I have a lot of sympathy & empathy for, because I've been where they are so many times) from the bad guys that go in - to me that feels real, and I derive joy from protecting people.

I NEED to help people in danger, man. How can I do that for God? Hell - He knows that there are people that are in danger of a whole shitpot of things. Divorce, Porn. Abuse. Drugs. Addictions. Homeless. Broke. Why can't I help THOSE people? Where is the group of guys that goes out and helps THOSE people?

That's what I want to be doing, man- I want to help THOSE people, especially the ones that the church drops between the cracks, like I was, or that folks don't want to touch because they're too messed up or dirty or in some kind of mess that that people don't want to get involved in.

Where do I sign up for that, man? Where's the enemy I can fight? Where are the people I can save? Where are the people I can help in God's name? Where are the people that Jesus would have been trying to find? That's what I want to do.

That's what I want to do - help those folks that Jesus would have gone after; those that get left out, left behind, and left in the dark - people like me. How can I do that, for real?

I'm gonna go pray for help - maybe that'll work.

Day One, kinda

Day one so far is just an bad extension of the night before. I haven't slept a wink, man, and it's 6:44 AM. I've tried laying there, but my mind is racing rather badly. I can't take anything, because if I do I'll be wiped out for all day on Monday, and I can't afford to do that. I have to run to downtown Fort Worth today to pick up tax forms I needed to mail out last week, and I'm not looking forward to doing it, especially driving with no sleep in over 24 hours. Since I'm already late I might as well do it tomorrow.

I ate two peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with some chips and milk at about 11:45 last night. I had four cokes at a super Bowl party I went to, so that's probably my problem, right? But I quit drinking soft drinks at about 8 PM, so why am I wide awake nearly 12 hours later? I only had four hours of sleep on Saturday night/Sunday morning. We got to church in time for the 10:45 service, which was excellent and had a message that I though spoke to me personally regarding serving God, despite our weaknesses and faults. As ans aside, I swore I saw the sister of my ex-girlfriend, but it was just her doppelganger, apparently, unless I forgot what she looks like, but I don't think I did. It didn't rattle me at all, which was good. Thank God the Bible is full of screw-ups like me. Moses killed a guy. Maybe with a trident - we don't know.



Anyway, so far I haven't had any spiritual epiphanies, visions or the like. I'm hoping it'll come later. I keep getting this feeling that something is going to happen, but I'm afraid to say it out loud because I'll feel like a fool if nothing does, or worse, I'll discredit God somehow if I talk about what a great thing He's going to do and He doesn't do anything I recognize, so I'm forced to say he didn't do anything. I think if I don't fast "properly" than it won't work and I'll just be starving myself, which is just stupid. But if I didn't believe it might help me figure out a way I can serve God in some way (or at least feel like I'm doing something and not just existing without feeling like I'm not doing what He calls me to do, whatever that is. I've felt it before, man. I (think I )know what it feels like to be smack in the middle of God's will - why is it so damn easy to fall off the track? It feels like I'm walking along a path and I can't see my feet, and there's no real clear indication of when you're off of it. I want to do this, though - I really am searching. I know you're supposed to fast and pray quietly and not make a show out of it or draw a lot of attention to yourself in the process. I don't think I am, but I'd hate to think I've already messed this up and blown whatever God may have been going to send my way because I told you folks (and a few others) about it, mostly to ask you folks to pray for me.

I feel like I'm just wasting space some (OK - most) days, except for my wife and daughter.

On that note, last week when I got to hold Baby M for just a few moments it made my heart ache. She was so small. I miss my little girl, man. I miss her every day, and I miss holding her and seeing her every single day, and tucking her into her bed every night. I mean, imagine not seeing your own kids every night. It never goes away, man; that hurt comes from getting a divorce and losing seeing your kid every day. I miss those days of holding her close when she was a baby. You parents that get to see your kids every day - appreciate every single second of the time that you have with them, and thank God that you get to see them every day. I try to stay busy or distracted so I don't think about it to much, but sometimes when all the lights are off and there's no noise and you don't have anything else to distract you, that missing and that sense of loss can't be ignored anymore, and you have to face that pain again. Maybe that's another reason I can't sleep.

I did win $115 at the super bowl party on some kind of point-matching game I didn't understand when I made my wager. That's good news - Oscar gets fixed this week, and we have plenty of money for food and some other bills we need to pay. And I have a Daddy/Daughter Dance on Saturday I'm taking my daughter to, come hell or high water.

I think I might go read Jeremiah, or whatever he wrote in the Bible. Apparently he liked to moan and wail, much like like I do. Evidently he was depressed a lot. I can relate, I think.

OK - it's 7:24 now. I don't know what to do.

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I've already prayed. Maybe I'll just do that again. I don't know.

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