What I'll be looking for these next few days

Ahhhhhh - if only it were that easy, huh?

As most of you know I've been in a what I think is a spiritual funk as of late. The money problems I can handle, but this walk with God and trying to figure out how I can serve Him to the best of my ability has really been under my skin for the past several weeks, and I'm feeling restless and stagnant. Anyway, here's my plan.

I am going to fast for three days, starting at midnight on Sunday and going until midnight on Wednesday. I've been thinking about this for a little while, and I think the time has come. I am going to have a complete three-day fast, which to me means nothing but water. I know there are different kinds of fasts, but this is the one I'm choosing for myself.

I'm not doing this to be holy or show off how spiritual I am or any of that garbage. God knows that I'm probably the least holy person I know, if we're going to go by the typical "church" definition, so don't think I'm showing off here. Nine times out of ten, I'm just an example of what NOT to do, and certainly not your pinnacle of piety, righteousness or holiness.

Anyway, I want to devote those three days to praying (and working, of course) and asking God for guidance on how I can best serve Him, and then I'm going to shut up and listen, and do whatever he leads me to do, whatever that is. I'm hoping He really makes it terribly obvious or very, very clear to me. If I don't have any answers after three days and three nights....I guess I'll try it again, and I guess I'll just keep trying until I get what I'm looking for, which is a word from Him.

The reason I'm picking three day fast is because I think I can hold out for three days, and I think that ought to be able to sharpen and draw my focus sufficiently. I know I absolutely cannot go to work at the bar without having eaten for three days, either. Anyway, I wanted you guys to know what I was up to, and to ask you guys to pray for me that I might get some direction from God regarding what His vision is for me, since 90% of my visions for myself haven't worked out like I thought they would. And if you guys have ever fasted I'd love to hear from you and find out what your experience was. I've never done this before, and I didn't grow up with it, and I'm a little nervous about it.

This morning I got a verse from the Bible texted to me that said "Seek God wholeheartedly and He will meet you" - I'm paraphrasing a bit, but that was basically it. I figure the timing was no coincidence.

And last night, I had a nighmare that I had a complete mental breakdown and had to be committed. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't good at all. Right at the end I realized that in all my ravings I realized that God wasn't in the equation at all, and right as I was realizing that might be a large part of the problem I woke up badly rattled. I'm taking it as a warning.

Anyway, I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes. I'm excited to see what happens, if anything.

I hope something happens.

348

For whatever day this is - Wednesday, I think.

I spent most of yesterday sleeping, though I think I sorely needed it. Today, too.

My brother and his family were trying to fly to Lubbock and got stuck here in Dallas because of the ice storm, so I got to see them for several hours, which was great. I got to see Boy D and Baby M as well as Brando & Jenny, and I feel like I got to bond with them for a little. I've made four airport runs in the past 24 hours, but it was totally worth it because I got to see 'em. I think I might even be willing to go to Guatemala now, if we can pull it off one of these days. I might even be able to work my way up to Haiti eventually, if for no other reason that to have a passport with some stamps in it. And I guess it wouldn't hurt to see my parents, either.

Tonight Toni are going to pull a long night and catch up on all the work I've missed this week. I have enough in the bank to ship it now, and that's very good. Things are starting to look up again.

As far as my addiction recovery goes, it gets easier and easier every day to not fall back into it. Right now I have too many days of sobriety to even really consider breaking it, though I know it'll always be there. I feel blessed and fortunate.

I think there's a possibility that I might need to take one of my Klonipin (which is an anti-anxiety medication) once a week, just to keep me from getting so stressed out I can't handle it, which is when I snap, like what happened last Thursday. I mean, meds like that exist for a reason, right? The way I see it, I'm only human, and people can only take so much stress before cracks appear and they start to twist off, and if I need to take a pill once a week (or a 1/4 of one so I can make them last) then it seems like a good idea for me to take it.

Toni and I are going to spar and practice a little, as I'm protective of her and I don't want to see get hurt at work. I know she can hold her own, but I'd sure like to see her drop me a few times before we go back again.

I'm going to start wearing my Kevlar vest to work again. Last weekend somebody pulled a knife at the bar, but dropped it in the fight before somebody got stabbed. But for some drunk's clumsiness somebody almost got knifed, and I want al the protection I can get.

Anyway, that's all I've got going for today, except we got Little Caesar's for dinner. We only spent $8 and got more pizza then we could eat. Good deal, man.

See you guys tomorrow.

345 (or 346, but I'm going to err on the side of caution)

career funk

I'm having a hard time staying motivated at work. I think my attitude has gone sour and I don't think I like my job very much at all, and am therefore loathe to do it at all. As much as I hate to admit this, I hate sitting down at the table and making drug tests. It's boring as all hell, and it's tedious, mind numbing, and repetitive. Even the though of how much I'd be/am making an hour isn't enough motivation to do it, and so I'm not accomplishing as much as I could be (or should be). But the plain and simple fact is this: it's not simple laziness - the most necessary part of my work is pure torture for me. It always has been. Sitting alone and doing the same menial task several thousand times a day ranks up there with....

...I got nothin' man. It's worse than watching paint dry, day after day after day, and it doesn't help that sometimes you have to do this shit for 70-80 hours a week. At least at the bar - even if I get beaten up (which has happened) - I get the excitement of actually getting to do something challenging and exciting, and I get to talk to people. I need that interaction, guys. It's worth the being punched, kicked, & stomped and getting the bumps, bruises, scrapes, cuts, mild fractures and smashed glasses to get a few hours with people.

It may be burnout.
It may be that I haven't had a vacation in over six years.
It may be frustration that it's not making ends meet very well, if at all.

And it's been this way for nearly seven years, man.

Business has not exactly flourished, guys. Let's face it - I've lost my house, racked up tens of thousands of dollars in debt, had my car repo'd and had to deal with the stresses of the all of this. I've had two really big orders, and I've enjoyed working those immensely. That part was exciting, challenging and very rewarding. But collectively, I've had maybe 60 days - in seven years -where I've enjoyed my job.

Is that just the way it's supposed to be? Is this just how life/work is supposed to be and I just need to suck it up and deal with it? Is this part of God's curse upon a fallen world where we're compelled to work at a job that seems to suck the life out of you every day until we die? That just seems kind of crappy, man.

Is this the result of me not living out God's vision for my life, even though I'm not sure what it is?

And I know that right now, the economy sucks and I know I'm lucky to have a job at all, even though right now I really hate it, and I know it's a terrible, terrible time to try to find a new one. And I appreciate beyond words the gift that I got when I was put in charge of this company, too. I considered it an honor and a privilege, and I still do. To me it's a source of pride to carry on the family business, and that hurts too. Shouldn't I like what I'm doing?

And I'm sure that part of this stems from not being able to get on as a cop anywhere - that was my dream job and I couldn't hang on to it, and it still hurts a little every day that I can't do it. I'd be lying if I said otherwise.

And I don't have much in the way of prospects of doing much else, either. I have no degree. If I could write for a living I'd do it in heartbeat, but I have no idea how you get into that field in any way. I also think that when it comes to applying for jobs, being self-employed is right up there with being unemployed (or in prison) on your application, and if you're self-employed and looking for something else, don't people immediately assume that you suck at it? Otherwise, you'd be running a booming and successful business and wouldn't have to be applying to do anything else - am I right? Does American corporate culture not function like this?

And as much as I'd like to make a career out of being a bouncer, the pay is just this side of dirt, there's no future in it, and I can't see myself doing it forever, man. I mean, I'm bound to get to old to fight eventually, though my Dad is still a certified ass kicker at nearly 73.

Anyway, that's Monday's "bonus" blog. I'm going to bed, though I'm almost dreading getting up tomorrow, because all I can see in front of me is more work at a job that tonight I hate.

Any thoughts as to how I can snap myself out of this?

(still 344 because I haven't gone to bed yet)

I'm not sure what to write today

Which is another way of saying I don't really want to write about everything.

I guess I'll start with Thursday night. I didn't break sobriety, but I lost it anger-wise. I finally snapped and broke a few things, including a picture, a light, a key holder and a stool. I slapped Oscar off the counter, too, and he hid from me for several hours. I don't have a reason, I don't think, other than I just snapped. I told Toni I just couldn't handle anything else going wrong. After I cleaned up the mess I sat on the couch and watched TV for several hours until I was able to calm down. Oscar finally came out and seems OK. I took a Klonipin and went to bed.

Friday morning I felt great - like nothing happened. Toni and I made up (though I was never mad at her at all) and everything is fine now, except for the damage.

The meeting with the AG's office went well; nothing to speak of. I was afraid that they were going to suspend all my visitation until I got caught up, but that didn't happen, and it doesn't seem like it will.

I missed CR again; I ran out of time and it was a visitation weekend. I may try to go to another group on Monday to make up for it.

Nothing happened at the bar this weekend.

Code Name Diamond had a great weekend, I think. We made a tiny little zip line in the back yard, and ate chocolate-chip and marshmallow pancakes with bacon for breakfast on Saturday. We cooked a full-on chicken-fried steak meal on Saturday and ate until we were ready to burst. We ate the rest of it on Sunday with fried potatoes, which Code Name Diamond loves. She slept in a tent all weekend with Timone & Pumba, who loved the tent as much as she did.

I'm feeling disconcerted about (among a lot of other things) not feeling like I have a vision about what God wants me to do; where I fit in, where my passion is, how He can use me to His glory. I do know that His vision for me will have nothing to do with me, it might be hard, and may seem completely impossible for me to do. I have no problem with those things, but I just don't think I have any idea what that thing is, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about getting that revelation, if that's how you get it or if that's how you know. Nothing I've tried seems to really be "it" - ya know? It seems like every door I like closes on me somehow.

To make matters worse, I committed to help teaching the "student CR" and I've totally flaked on it. There's no other way to put it, and now I feel too badly about it to call and make it right. I've been putting it off for several days; I know I'm procrastinating, and I know I'm not handling this well.

Anyway, that's it for today.

344

Not an entirely accurate picture

I realized today that if the only input you guys have from me is this blog, then I must sound awfully bitter and perpetually downcast.

For what it's worth - I'm not, 99% of the time. It's not all bad.

Generally speaking, I spend most of my days in a pretty good mood. Most of the time, I'm generally pretty cheerful - really. As much I fuss about the bar job, I enjoy it when I'm there. I appreciate the paychecks, and I like interacting with the people there, and occasionally slapping them around when they need it. It's not all bad.

I don't have all the money I want (hell - does anybody?) but I'm not hungry - not really hungry, anyway. I have a nice bed to sleep in, and a roof over my head. I have a great woman for a wife, and she loves me, and she's not going to leave. My daughter loves me, and God always takes care of all three of us. It's not all bad.

Yes - my primary job is a beating on occasion, but there's times when it does really well. Odds are I'm going to give it another year to shape up before I seriously consider something else. But I'm paying off debt and getting caught up on my bills little by little. It's not all bad.

The cats are frustrating on occasion, but so are kids. So are other people, and you take the loving, cuteness, purring, snuggling and playing along with the fighting, litter box duty and the occasional cat piss. I think dogs run the same gambit. It's not all bad.

The depression I have to deal with is pretty well managed by the therapeutic dosage of pills that I get for $4 at Wal-Mart. I haven't bottomed out in several months, and that's always good. I spent 99.99% of the time on a pretty even keel. It's not all bad.

My addiction and my recovery is being managed day by day, and that's the only way to do it. I have way more victories than failures. It's not all bad.

My marriage isn't perfect, but I couldn't ask for a better wife. We still have stuff we're working on, and we always will, but we have more successes than shortcomings, and more good days than poor ones. It's not all bad.

My relationship with God is better than it used to be, man. I think I'm still making progress, and I'm still trying to hash out what He wants me to be doing down here until He comes back for me. I think we're all trying to perfect that, aren't we? I haven't ever forgotten where I used to be, and how far He's brought me. I still have a lot of questions than I have answers for, and I still have my share of spiritual struggles, but it's not all bad, man.

Anyway, I wanted to share that with you guys. All in all, I'm doing OK.

It's not all bad.

I promise.

340

I'm counting this as Wednesday's....

....even though I haven't gone to bed from Tuesday night yet. In my mind I'm just posting a day early, which to me means I'm just posting before I go to bed instead of after I get up - not that there's much of a difference time-wise anymore. I am getting about 6-8 hours of sleep every 24-36 hours, though. So, here's a few things.

I don't believe any ads I see on TV anymore for anything, especially weight loss products. They're all the perfect solution, and I think they all lie.

I've never thought of myself as poor, but I think I'm going to have to face the reality that I am. When you're buying gas with quarters you picked up off the barroom floor after closing, you're poor. I'm working poor, but I'm pretty poor.Not impoverished or destitute, but definitely poor.

Being poor is stressful, because you can't go from poor to rich in a few days, or even weeks, unless you win the lottery, which is mathematically (nearly) impossible. It takes a long time, and after a few years of it it starts wearing on you.

i don't want an M4 anymore. I just quit caring.

Oscar is becoming nearly unbearable since he hit cat puberty. He wanders the the house yeowling and spraying, though his spraying has been 99% confined to wooden doors and tile floors, all of which clean up easily. In short, he's being a bastard, and an absurdly needy and clingy one at that, even though I love him still. Hell - even moreso because I'm sure he has all of this animal drive to mate and he can't act on it, a plight with which I empathize completely.

Yesterday he snuck into my parents bedroom when I was changing Bunnycat's litter box and punched her in the head a lot, which made her scream, which I hate. She hasn't come out from under the bed since, except to barf on the floor, which I'm letting dry because it's a lot easier to clean up. It's appalling, but it's what happens when you're poor.

I feel like I need to have Eric Cartman singing "In the Ghetto" when I'm walking around here, because I'm so poor. Even though my parents have a lovely home, despite the savagery of the cat's adolescent hormone fueled rampage. Damn feline puberty. I swear I'm cutting his little balls off first chance I get. I hope you drunken cowpokes at the bar drop a lot of quarters this weekend.

Ugh - tonight I feel like I don't have much to look forward to. My life consists now of working my tail off. All I see in then future is work; all of it slightly boring. This week I'm trying to do damage control for my main job. I swear to GAWD it'll be a miracle if I have a single customer left after January, man. They're not exactly beating the door down. I'm trying to find a way to say we're under completely new management without overtly lying. So far I think I've managed to run the company into the ground, and, continuing with a favored theme as of late, begun boring to the center of the earth. Yay, me.

I'm neither tired of not tired - just feeling slightly unreal and detached and ever-so-slightly numb. Perhaps the stress has just gotten to me after all of this time, and I'm either burned out or it's some kind of defense mechanism to keep me from completely twisting off and/or losing it. Either way, I guess numb beats stressed out, in a sad way.

This is too long already - I'm gonna wrap it up, and put off some of the things I need to handle another day, because no body's open at 2:49 AM.

(And how is THAT a mirror to my life? Putting the important things off because you're not sure how to deal with them, yet knowing they're not going to go away on their own.)

I think since I'm not sleepy at all I'll eat half an Ambien and see what that does. I'm in a quandary, because I know I won't go to bed until at least 4:00 AM Thursday morning, and I need to start answering the work phone at 8:00 AM without sounding drunk, tired or stupid, or worse - all three. But when am I supposed to sleep?

And I know God is taking care of me and my family, blah blah blah - I get that, and I'm thankful, but it doesn't change the way I feel, and you have to be cognizant of that you're feeling or it'll bite you in the ass later.

Man - I didn't mean to end up so negative, guys. Tomorrow ought to be more upbeat.

OK - that's likely a lie. I have no idea what tomorrow will be. Likely a lot like today, odds are, but I'll have grocery money from picking up another shift at another bar, which is good.

See you guys tomorrow (or tonight) - whichever.

339

It's O' Fishel....

My body clock is officially gone, gone, gone. Toast. Zilch. Nada. I'd rather say it's just working the complete opposite of what it's supposed to, but it's so erratic it won't even establish a pattern I can fall into. I blame working in a bar, which I'm doing four nights this week. As much as it messes up my sleep schedule, it does pay every week, and Toni and I do enjoy eating. I won't get a paycheck from my "real" job for at least two weeks, and every paycheck is earmarked for payroll, the IRS or the AG's office until I'm back on my (our) feet.

It's 5:39 AM and I don't know whether to just stay up & keep working or eat breakfast (or is it dinner at this point?) and go to bed for a few hours. I think McDonalds has breakfast chicken & biscuits that might be good. And cheap, too.

President Obama gets sworn in today, but I'm likely to sleep through it. I think I'd probably sleep through whoever was being sworn in. And I just don't have any more energy to bash Obama anymore, either. I've been listening to conservative talk radio since I was 19 or 20 - that's nearly 16 years of Limbaugh, Davis, Hannity, Liddy, etc. I know the drill, and I know where I stand, blah, blah, blah. After a while the conservatives tax plan starts sounding less and less like anything that's ever to affect me anyway, and I plan on buying enough ammo for the guns I already have to keep us safe from the zombies anyway, so my plan hasn't changed much, no matter who's in charge. And if they tax ammo too high for me to afford it, I'll learn to make more kinds of bombs. I already have the cutlery necessary to remove zombie heads. I think I'm still in the financial state of "screwed", so it doesn't matter (today) who's in office as far as my money is concerned. I'm only worried about today.

OK - I said I'd talk about this yesterday, and it's the shortest one. Toni pointed out to me that I'm doing a pretty bad job of taking care of myself some of the time. One of the marks of codependent people is the failure to realize the reality of your basic personal needs, such as food, health care, clothing, sleep, etc.

I can honestly say that I've been in denial about maintaining proper nutritional meals for myself. I think I'm too busy to eat, or I don't want to spend the money, or I don't want to stop working long enough to cook something for myself. And Toni gets dragged down with me, as she tends to eat when I do. Now, when it comes to Code Name Diamond it's a totally different story, as I do my best to feed her as best I can. She's very good about selecting nutritional and healthy foods most of the time, so I think we;re OK there, even if she does eat a lot of french fries.

I tend to wear clothes until they fall apart, and holes in clothing is nothing to me, though I'm starting to really understand that when you can see skin through it it's probably time for it to go. I'm getting slightly better about hat, but I still won't spend money to buy clothing until somebody forces me to.

Sleep is it's own story, as you guys can see.

Brushing my teeth has completely reversed itself from where I used to be. Back in the 5th grade, somebody told me I had yellow teeth (which I don't have the money to fix and I'm really sensitive about) and bad breath, and the dentist told me that it was caused by plaque. So I began brushing my teeth much more, and by high school and for several years afterwards I was brushing my teeth six or more times a day. I eventually slackened when the dentist told me I had scrubbed away the gum tissue on my bottom two incisors and that it wouldn't grow back (it never did). Eventually, I returned top a normal pace, though after my wife left I quit caring, and I never got back into regular brushing - to hell with hygiene. Anyway, Toni has recently become concerned with my oral health (and rightfully so) so I'm relying to work on brushing my teeth twice a day, and only twice. I tend to go to extremes with it, and it's likely a part of the codependency that I'm still coping with from day to day.

Well, that's my tooth brushing thing. I'm going to go to bed, I guess, as I can't do much else for a few hours anyway until the rest of the world wakes up at 8. Plus I'm stalling about the work thing and the ministry thing.

And I have more stuff to do that's really important, but I've got it in my head that some of it is more important than other parts of it, and I don't know how to get it all done in the time I need to get it all done in, and still work the other jobs, which let me eat.

Anyway, that's it for today.

338

Be it known that I was up before 5:00 AM this morning

Of course, I can't actually do anything until after 8:00 AM, but I was awake. I hit a stopping point yesterday and I can't continue until I get more materials, which I can't do for a few more hours.

And, of course, it's MLK Day, which means no bank and no post office, so there's no hope of getting paid or paying anybody, either.

I just want credit for being up so late (or early), and for working a full eight hours on Sunday. Fortunately, "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" was on AMC and we watched that. Before that we watched a show on what would happen the Earth if all the human suddenly vanished, and we also watched a special on cults (Heaven's Gate, David Koresh, Jim Jones, etc.) Satellite TV is cool, despite all the "make my weenie bigger" commercials. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Toni is working really hard to make the house feel like a home, and she's doing a great job. The cats are trying her patience, though, especially Oscar and Pumba.

Recovery is doing good - I haven't felt that stress or anxiety in a few days, and my addiction hasn't really reared it's head again since I had that bad few days recently. On a scale of 1-10 the worst it's gotten is a 2, and I'm really grateful for that.

I need to talk about taking on too much, meeting my obligations/keeping my commitments vs. maintaining my financial needs, and the family/career/ministry order of importance that's been troubling me. If I don't get it to it by Wednesday morning I want you guys to get on to me, because I really need to work this out.

And I also need to talk about how brushing my teeth is a perishable skill as well; I actually have an interesting (to me) theory on that.

And I need to talk about some issues I have about working, too: namely, if I don't put in at least 16 hours a day - every day - then I'm not meeting an expectation I hold for myself because I think my think it's what my Dad has for me, and I need to work out for myself what's necessary, what's healthy, what's working yourself to death, what works for him vs. what works for me, and what's more important; work, family, ministry, money, etc., and I need to figure out a way for me to be able to stop working without feeling guilty for stopping before everything is all done, or hell - even stopping at all. And I need to learn to not feel guilty for not working, either, and try to figure out a way to spend time with my family without being anxious about when I can get back to work, or for sleeping past 5 AM. So you guys hold me to this one, too, OK?

And pics will be sent today sometime.

OK - I'm gonna take a quick nap before I put in another day's work. Toni is, too.

337

Tonight I sleep nasty again

Tonight I shall type without the aid of spellcheck, for you4r added amusement. It's 4:00 AM on the nose, and I'm going to bed. Work was easy, but tonight dragged despite a massive Ft. Worth Stock Show crowd. No fights. no problems. I'd complain but I'd rqather have a peaceful night, even if it goes by a lot slower. Also I was wearing a knwee brace because myt right knee feels like something wants to pop, and not in agood way.

Oscar is ceased meowing, and has begun wandering around the house yoewling loudly. I suspect he's beginning to feel his little kitty manhood, which means he's about to lose his little kitty manhood as soon as I can afford it.

We got some of the kitchen packed & it's better thanit was. We have th4e dilemma of moving into a house with the stuff from two different families already in it, so packing up, rearranging & generaly moving around stuff takes a lot longer.

My pocket knife is embarassingly dull.

OK - thaats me not having else to say. Too tired to shower again. See you guys on Monday, or Sunday night, whichever.

336

This is working out well for me

....this blogging before I go to bed. I'm not wasting a lot of time that I could be spending at work, since I've already done my work for today. Huzzah!

OK - it's 4:46 AM. I get to drop a "huzzah", people. I heard a guy on TV say it and I thought it fit. I think it means "hooray" on ye olde-tyme speak.

Yes - this is already a weird post. I don't hold high hopes for much in the way of cognizant thought, though. Toni and I are waiting for our frozen pizza to cook, as there's not a whole lot open by the time we get home, and we're not spending a lot of money on much these days anyway, including food.

Toni did a great job at work tonight. She's quite personable, you know. Now we're both kind of tired and ready for bed, though.

Originally I was going to write about how I realized that over the past few weeks I've let my circumstances dictate my life schedule; that is to say, I've been letting my life manage me instead of making sure I'm managing my life. I think it kind of snuck up on me these past few weeks and it took me until today to realize it. It'll end when I wake up in the morning, as I plan to regain control of my life then. Tonight is pretty much blown, so all I'm going to do is eat pizza and get some sleep. But tomorrow, I plan on taking control of my life again, as I've had enough being blown around by the wind and riding on the waves. I don't get much accomplished that way, except for sleeping.

I went to the chiropractor today and had her take a look at my shoulder. She said I have some inflammation and some bursitis, and she taped it up for me. It looks cool - I always thought it looked cool when guys had casts and such, and the girls were always cuter when they had some kind of sports-related infirmary and had to wear a knee brace or something. Now I am that cool, except I think it's years of abuse and lack of exercise that did it to me, and anything athletic. She says it ought to be OK in a few days (or weeks) though. In the meantime, I'm enjoying looking cool, at least to myself.

My parent's house has several niceties that I'm not used to - most notably: kleenex. It's a refreshing change form blowing my nose on whatever is on the dirty clothes hamper, a habit that's aggravated everybody I've ever dated or married. I know - it's gross.

For my Mom:

Oscar is alternately sitting in a box (and looking impressed with himself) and wandering around the house meowing loudly just to hear the sound of his own voice. Timone and Pumba are chasing each other in a loop through the rooms and tumbling into the furniture. Somebody knocked over one of the chairs in the living room but I have no suspects or solid leads. Bunny is sleeping (and drooling) on the green chair in my parent's bedroom. Scrappy is in the garage engaging in unknown conduct, but still believes he deserves to be petted when I see him, and advises me so upon any entry into the garage. As I have no cause to assume he is engaging in any kind of avian, rodentia or other homicide I indulge him under normal circumstances.

OK - pizza's done, and I ran out of things to say. I'm too tired to shower.

See you guys tomorrow.

335

It's still today if I haven't gone to bed yet

Does anybody else want to hear this guy go to Sonic and order lunch?

Today all I've done is sleep, eat (a little) and work at Job #1 & Job #2. I haven't heard anything about the house closing, which was supposed to happen today. I don't know if that's good or bad, and I left the realtor's number at the office. I'll call 'em tomorrow and find out what's going on. To be truthful, I'm way past the point of caring about it anymore.

Does anybody else think that Dr. Jack Van Impe is a little squirrley? And does anybody else wonder about his wife, Dr. Rexella Van Impe? Does anybody else find it odd that they're both have doctorate degrees, and does anybody else wonder where they got them, or what school would give those cats those kind of credentials? I'm starting to lose a little respect for higher education, man. I've met waaaaay too many folks with bachelors & masters degrees who are having a tough time making ends meet, and these two cats folks aren't instilling a whole lot of confidence in me personally.

Code Name Diamond came over tonight and we had a pretty good time. We've invented a few games, and we got to play two of 'em tonight:

#1) Will Pumba Eat It?
#2) What's on My Face?

I miss Ball Fight - that was a fun game.

On a wildly different note, this e-surance "cloud cult" commercial makes my teeth grind. In my opinion, it's just pro-environmentalist propaganda, where they grow grass over the evil oil well and make the wicked, scary oil-monster cry. He has $.25 in his wallet, and he's feeling pretty lucky today. Go back to your Phish concert, pothead. You're not fooling me.

Know how Red Dawn Starts?

Soviet Union suffers worst wheat harvest in 55 years... Labor and food riots in Poland. Soviet troops invade... Cuba and Nicaragua reach troop strength goals of 500,000. El Salvador and Honduras fall... Greens Party gains control of West German Parliament. Demands withdrawal of nuclear weapons from European soil... Mexico plunged into revolution... NATO dissolves. United States stands alone.

See? If you Green Party folks gain control of our country we're screwed. I'm not falling for your propaganda, even if it's disguised as a insurance commercial.

Or maybe I'm way off and it's just a marketing ploy to get tree huggers and folks who just believe all the global warming crap they're fed on a daily basis to buy your insurance. Either way, it grates on me. Thank you for letting me vent.

I got home from work (from Job #2) about two hours early tonight, which lets me go back to work at Job #1 for a few more hours.

On yet another wildly different topic, Bunny seems to have calmed down a little, and will let me scratch the top of head for no more than five seconds at a time (not to exceed 15 seconds total) without hissing, running under the bed or trying to bite me. Scrappy, our other cat, spends his days lying in the sun and rolling in the leaves before spending the night in his warm garage, complete with his own personal space heater. He generates no drama whatsoever.

Before I wrap this up, I want to share with you guys what happened today. This morning, Toni and I were struggling to figure out how we were going to return the rental car, make a supply run to Justin, pick & return Code Name Diamond to Keller and make it to work at Job #2 (in south Ft. Worth). We only had 1/2 tank of gas between the two cars and no money, man. I asked God to help us out, because I didn't know how I was going to pull it off.

Then Toni found some cash in our bedroom - in a tin. I had no idea it was there.

We prayed on the spot and thanked God for the cash, man, because in our minds that was a miracle. God took care of us today, just like He's going to do tomorrow.

Anyway, I have to go wrap the faucets because it's going to be 22 degrees tonight. I hope you guys are warm.

And the new Angry Whopper from Burger King is - at best - mildly irritated by a minor inconvenience. It's far from angry, but still pretty good.

Any my left shoulder hurts but I don't know why. >pout<

See you guys tomorrow (today).

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Several weeks ago, I was going through pictures with my Mom for our wedding slideshow, and I found one that was taken at the rehearsal dinner from my first wedding. That in and of itself didn't bother me at all - it feels like another life, or more accurately, another lifetime ago, and I've worked through all of the crap left over from my first divorce, though the financial ramifications still linger. Ugh - I'm getting off track already.

Anyway, I found this picture, and what struck me was how young (and carefree) I looked. I was 25 or 26 at the time.

And, of course, how much different I look now. My first thought was this: I've aged badly.

Now, my lovely wife will beg to differ. To my way of thinking, she sees me every day, so she would know, so I'm going to trust her input. The ones closest to the situation can generally make the most accurate and best-thought-out assessments, so I'll defer to her wisdom on that.

Truth be told, it's not about the vanity aspect of it. I think what got to me was seeing actual, physical evidence of the stress that my life has left on me. To my way of thinking, I look, you can practically see what I've managed to survive on my face when you hold the pictures side by side. I think life etches stuff on you - I guess I wasn't prepared to see it etched on my face, too. It was a bit sobering to see myself then and see myself now and think - wow....you have been through a lot in the past ten years or so.

Divorce.
Excruciating breakup(s).
Addiction.
Recovery.
Terrible financial woes.

It adds up, man. You can see it in the wrinkles, eyes & gray hairs.

Anyway, it was kind of sobering, like looking at the path of destruction that a tornado has wreaked, of the aftermath of a bomb site. It's a dose of reality that says "Hey - you really have had kind of a rough time of it now and then." I guess at the time (and ever since) it kind of bothered me, and I wasn't prepared to see it. I guess in a way it reminds me of my own mortality, which is always sobering.

(Although I'm becoming more and more convinced that the world is going to end in 2012 thereabouts. I saw it on TV, and the Christmas Star guy said the stars will line back up properly, and the Mayan calender only goes to 2012, so there.)

You know what's sort of funny, though? I know I forget how rough those times were, in spite of my constant bitching here. This is sort of my "whine-de-jour" blog, I know, but at the end I know I've come through all of it better, stronger, tougher, more spiritually grounded and closer to God. And if you asked me how I was doing, I'd probably tell you I'm doing pretty well, 'cause at the end of the day, I really am.

Today, I have a place to stay.
Today, I have food to eat.
Today, I am safe.
Today, I have a job.
Today, I have a wife that loves me.
Today, I have a daughter that loves me.

Anyway, I guess no matter how badly I age I'll be OK. God loves me and He takes care of me in His way, even though I have zero clue about what He's doing most of the time. I don't have to.

My mom drew a parallel between me & Bunnycat & God and us - it was pretty good. It says:

There is a great spiritual lesson here - God knew we were too stupid to really know Him so he became one of us so He could communicate on our level. If you could become a cat, you could speak cat to Bunny. (But who knows if she would really believe what you said, even if you became a cat.) We will pray about the situation because God loves crazy little Bunny cats too.

Anyway, that's why I'm doing OK today.

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PS - I accidentally sneezed on Oscar today. He flattened his ears, gave me a dirty look and meowed, though he seems to have forgiven me already.

Confessions of a self-proclaimed amateur cat whisperer

So my parent's cat Bunny (aka "Bunnycat") has me vexed for a variety of reasons.

First, I've never had a cat hate me so. It bothers me, and I'm becoming obsessed with making this cat like me.

I don't know if this cat needs some behavioral coaching, or if she's just mean, bitchy, and just plain crazy. And it's not like she can tell me, either. All she can do is yowl, hiss and hide under the bed. She's isolated in my parent's bedroom, where she sometimes she looks out the window or sits on a green easy chair. Upon even seeing any of the either cats she hisses, squalls, and hides under the bed, where she'll stay for days at a time, emerging only to eat, use the litterbox or sulk.

Anyway, my debate today is whether or not to remove her ability to retreat under the bed. I wonder if my parents (OK....my mom) has perpetuated Bunnycat's poor behavior by enabling her that mechanism of retreat for years, and thereby keeping her from adapting to changes in her environment and keeping her spoiled and bitchy. My thought is to board up her hidey-hole and force her to be more "sociable" - or at least not give her that easy out.

Of course, it's possible that I'm assuming way too much about this damn cat and applying human tendencies and psychological, therapeutic and recovery principles where none exist, and that at the end of the day, and I'm just full of crap on this one, and very likely to find myself cleaning up more cat piss.

Or I could just be angry at her for not liking me (because I think that all cats should like me) and boarding up her hidey-hole is my revenge.

See - this is what happens when you sit at a table and do very menial and tedious work for hours at a time. Your mind wanders, and when denied of some of the things it used to spend time working on, it turns to crap like this.

And I haven't even started on getting her "socialized" with the other cats yet.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind today - I'm obsessing over the cat that hates me.

Make your own joke here - I see it, too.

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For Monday & the weekend....

I held it together all weekend, so I'm pretty contented about that. When I woke up on Friday, the feelings seemed to have run their course and I felt a lot better. I think that was as close to bottoming out again as I've been in several months. It seems as though one little thing snowballed on me, though I'm still not quite sure how it exactly occurred, other than to say that happened one tiny bit at a time. For what it's worth, I didn't sit by and feed it - I think it managed to grow on its own while I was trying to figure it all out and analyze the who, what, why and how it was occurring. Even after it was all over, I was left with one thing I can't get past, and that is this:

I can't see or find the death in one particular aspect of my life and/or my recovery, depending on how you want to look at it. Until I can see the death in it, I'm likely to continue to struggle with it from time to time. Perhaps it'll take more time, or I might need to talk to a professional. I'll call my CR guys about it as well, and I'll doubtlessly keep you guys posted.

Thursday we hung out with Code Name Diamond before I had to go to work. Thursday night at the bar was really slow. Friday was slow as well, and the band was terrible, and I mean it was so bad that people were leaving instead of coming in. To add insult to injury, the lead singer was a complete jackass as well. Saturday night was quite busy, as we had a group of "Travelers" in the bar. "Travelers" are modern-day gypsies of Irish descent who travel the country scamming money, and who have apparently set up shop in Fort Worth for the winter. They use fake ID's from states like Montana, Idaho & North Dakota, and like to start fights in bars, like the one I work in. The off-duty FWPD cops we hire "made" them pretty quickly, and after we managed to identify the rest of their party we threw out about six of them as fast as we could find reason. We didn't have any real trouble, unless you count the lack of sleep.

Friday night I got to CR and it was awesome. I needed to get back, and I really missed it. I need to let less stuff get in the way of me going. I was glad to be there and be with my guys again.

This weekend we saw "Bolt" with our daughter. It was really good, and it made me dislike dogs a little less. After seeing "Bolt", dogs seem a little less annoying than I used to think they were. I think I might be a little more sympathetic towards dogs now. I now think that there might be some good dogs out there. I suppose most of 'em are, huh? I think I see why people like dogs a little bit more.

On Sunday we went to church and made cupcakes. I was going to make a little zip line for our daughter but I need to find some more of the ropes & carabiners I have packed up someplace before I try it out. Our daughter is skeptical.

Money is still pretty tight, and now I'm dangerously close to getting booted out of our office space. Oh, well - if it's not one thing it's another, right? Toni says I'm putting out fires. Maybe I'll be a firefighter next. I'm looking for another part-time job as a bartender someplace close. We'll see how that goes.

The money issue is a little stressful in that everybody says they need to be my first priority. The IRS, the Texas AG's office, my landord, payroll, our car payments...the list goes on and on. The road goes on forever and the party never ends, right?

I guess that's pretty much it for now. I didn't want to go another day without letting you guys know what was up. I'll be back on tomorrow for sure. All of our stuff (materials) came in today and we're making stuff out of the house. I have the phones forwarded to my cell, and I brought the computer home, too.

Anyway, that's it for now. See you guys tomorrow.

331, yo.

Today is one of those days when you know that the only thing keeping you from complete and total failure is God, and I mean that about everything.

Today is one of those days when you know that you just couldn't handle it if it happened.

Today is one of those days where you've made your peace with failing and you're just waiting for the opportunity to present itself so you can get it over with.

Today is one of those days when what's right doesn't matter as much as what your emotions tell you you need.

Today is one of those days where you know that the devil is real, and he's got your number.

Today is one of those days when you have to call your sponsor and your accountibility brothers.

Today is one of those days when you realize that for every day you haven't been active in your addiction, it's been outside in the parking lot doing push-ups.

Today is a day when you realize that your enemy is cunning, baffling and powerful.

As you guys can see, today has not been a great day. I have dreams I don't like, I have thoughts I don't want, I have feelings I can't control, explain or rid myself of, and my landlord is just about ready to evict me, if she hasn't already done so.

And now is when I have to go pick up my beloved daughter, when I'm at my lowest, and I have to pretend to be happy so she doesn't know, because it's not fair or right to subject a seven-year-old to this kind of crap, and she needs her Daddy to be there for her.

Then I have to go to work after I drop her off. I'll get home at 3 or so if it's a good night. I'm telling you guys - being broke puts you in terrible cycles that are terribly difficult to break out of.

Some days are like this - even in Austrailia.

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This is something I don't like

Last night I didn't get home until 4 AM, and then I expected to get up early and get some work done. As you can imagine, I failed. I did make a quick $50 in cash, though, which we've been using to eat on. Food is always nice. I am gonna blow a $1 bill on a Lotto ticket tonight, though. I figure the worst thing that can happen is that my luck stays the same and I don't win. I can live with that.

Last night I realized something that I'm continuing to struggle with. It's a tricky concept for me to explain to my own satisfaction, to please bear with me while I muddle through it.

In both Pathways and Recovery, we learn that generally, people act in ways that hurt others because they're either hurting themselves or because it's all they know. Often, this tends to free us up from holding resentments against them, which is always good for us. We also learn to establish the proper, healthy and necessary boundaries to protect ourselves from the hurtful actions of others, whether they're intentional or not, and neither give nor receive animosity in the process. It's a healthy (and I believe Godly) way to live. No problem there.

My problem is this: while I can intellectually establish those proper, healthy and necessary boundaries, emotionally I struggle with it. I have a strong tendency to focus on the other person, giving them every benefit of the doubt that I can, whether or not it's harmful to me or others, and that's not a healthy thing.

I don't have a good, solid solution (that works for me) on this. Perhaps this is why emotions are messy, and maybe one of the reasons why the Bible says that the human heart is deceitful above all things. I don't know if time will heal this particular issue (or wound, whatever you want to call it) or if it'll fester more as the months go by unless I resolve this inner struggle that still causes some emotional conflict. I know emotions are healthy followers but lousy leaders, and as much as I'd like to say otherwise my feelings and emotions still don't always respond to logic, will, spiritual guidance, or anything else. Feelings don't respond well - if at all - to being told what to do.

So, because of this, I have to step out of denial (which is good) and acknowledge that I have this emotional stumbling block that I am unsure how to get around., and I feel like I'm going to have until I get some answers.....

....probably from a professional, because I'm thinking myself in circles on this one, which keeps me up at night and takes time away from others that need my time. I don't have the one answer that kills the conflict dead in it's tracks, which I'd like to see.

Maybe I can spend a little of this newly found bouncer money on another trip to the therapist and she can help get me through what I can't get through by myself, no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, that's where I am today. Phooey.

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So today....

I feel better. I think blogging got a lot of it out. I haven't made it to my small group at CR in a few weeks because of moving, illness or doing other CR related stuff, so I think I needed the sharing. Blogs are pretty good for that.

NOTE: I originally had two paragraphs here, but it was pointed out to me that they're ultimately disrespectful (though unintentionally) to my wife, so I deleted them. I'm glad I did. I want my wife (and everybody else) to know that I side with her. In a way, that allgiance was undermined by what I had to say, though that's not at all what I had intended. At any rate, they're gone.

I'm grabbing some extra work at another sports bar in Ft. Worth tonight through a mutual contact. I'm looking forward to it.

Last night Toni and I saw a little owl in the alley. I don't know if it was a baby owl or just a little one. I think it was a barn owl. Anybody know what baby owls are called?

The cat pee is coming up nicely. Ugh - if I had a nickel for every time I've thought that.....

Oh - rats. I was going to post a pic for my New Year's Resolution, but I'll have to do it later, as I don't know how to get the pic from Toni's camera to here. Anyway, it's to wake up earlier and stay up. I have five alarm clocks in out room now, and by the time I have all five turned off I'm awake enough to think clearly enough to know that I need to get up. So far it's working pretty well.

OK - that's it for today. Thanks, guys.

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More to say than I thought....

In no particular order.....

*sigh*

There's a bouncer gig at a biker bar in Lake Dallas. I'm a tad bit leery of bikers.

Pros:
1- that's about 40 miles closer than the job I'm working at now.

Cons:
1- It's only two nights a week instead of three
2- unknown pay scale
3- I really like everybody else at the bar I'm at now

I don't know if I want to move there or not. I'm not afraid of bikers, as my experience has been that they're a generally good lot, but I don't have health insurance. Cowboys and college kids seem every so slightly safer.

After a few more hours to think about this, I still get some memories that get conjured up when I see a face or hear a name or experience something similar. It's like they've almost faded into oblivion and then WHAM - there they are, man - right as fresh as the day I experienced them. And none are memories I want, either, even though they're inherently attractive. I mean, recovering alcoholics still want a drink every now and again, right? That's part and parcel of the addiction, man. In the same way, there's always that one part of my brain where the depraved addict shall always live, just rubbing his dirty hands in glee at the thought of being allowed the opportunity to chew on those memories for a while. It's almost like getting triggered; it's being one step away from losing it again. I have to starve that guy, man - I don't have a choice.

Man - even 320+ days sober I still feel like I have to fight like hell every once in a while; fight like I first had to when I was first sobering up in those first several terrible weeks. I wish I could scoop out the inside of my brain and just remove those parts forever, but that's the problem - you can't. Memories are forever, man, especially those memories. And it's not just one person, either - it's several, as much as I hate to admit that. It's like when one comes us, they all have to follow. Damn them. And I have to put them down again one by one - every single time, and they don't stay gone forever. They are still every bit as powerful, still every bit as intoxicating, still every bit as alluring, still every bit as tempting, and still every bit as poison and deadly to me serenity and my sobriety. Yet they still hold that power, man.

I wish they would.

So now, I'm going to have to fight them off again, one at a time, just like I did when I first started recovery, and it's only slightly easier now, almost three years later.

At least I know what to do now, and how to fight. I guess it's the fact that I have to fight that upsets me so.

And I (we) don't know how to handle all of it, either. Let's pretend that I get a text from an ex I used to be involved with. Let's pretend I've basically handed my cell phone over to my wife at this point, which I've basically done. Does my wife tell me that I got the text or does the erase it? Does she keep that secret from me, or is she open with it, knowing that it'll possibly cause me to exist in a profoundly less serenity-based state for several days (if not weeks) afterwards? Or does she delete it and carry that burden herself/ What if I see somebody online, at church, or in Wal-mart? How do we respond to that? I can't live with my head in the sand and exist in isolation, can I? We still struggle with stuff like this.

I hate that my wife has to endure this. It's not fair to her. It hasn't been fair to anybody, ever.

Well, what can you do, man? Same thing I always have - just keep moving forward, one day at a time.

Excuses, excuses. Also, lots of blame & few answers.

Wow - have I done a poor job of blogging daily! And even after I said I would, too. Hmph. So far I've managed to miss a few days, which I don't like. I'll delve into a very short version of the past few days and try to sort myself out as I go.

I got in a fight at the bar on New Years Eve, which was kind of fun. They've asked me not to use the LVNR (lateral vascular neck restraint) anymore, though, which I'm going to miss greatly, as pressure points and other holds are far more escape-able. Apparently the guy I was using the chokehold on was the brother of one of the managers (hey - I didn't know who he was and he shouldn't have been fighting, at least not in front of me) and while he wasn't seriously hurt he evidently had a tremendously sore throat the next day, which displeased him, along with the fact the he got rather violently dragged out of his brother's bar by a bouncer. We didn't get out of the bar until 4:00 AM. It was a disaster after we closed at 2!

I did get my car back, a scant 12 hours before it went to auction. Thank you, Mom & Dad. The guy who brought it back was a big ol' black guy named Anthony who wore gold-rimmed glasses. He was really nice, and whatever lotion or aftershave or cologne he was wearing sure made my car smell nice inside. He was a good smellin' brother, man. I wish he had been driving my car all week.

Our cats have settled in completely, although Bunny continues to be borderline unlikeable and outwardly hostile. Scrappy (Mom's outside cat, and a more vicious and diminutive killing machine I have not seen) has accepted the three orange insiders after several hours of whining at the screen door on Saturday, when it was 80 degrees outside. This is fortunate, as Scrappy is the only cat there with an actual body count (if you admit birds, rodents & bunnies to the equation), and the three orange ones would have lost the fight badly, despite a three-to-one advantage.

Since it was so nice out on Saturday, Toni and I removed the back fence in a matter of minutes, and Toni and our neighbor David (who's a super nice guy) pulled out the rebar posts. I once experienced a quite terrible (to me, anyway) back injury (throwing it out) as a direct result of trying to pull a piece of rebar out of the ground. At Toni's urging, and out of my own cowardice, I decided to focus my efforts on stacking up the remaining fencing in a neat pile for the garbage men, though I did pull out the main gate post using a truck and a tow chain.

Friday morning I managed to start getting sick with a nice sinus infection joined by a hacking cough. I blame working in a smoky bar and little sleep. At the insistence of my parents (and wife) I relented and started taking Cipro to knock it our. Now all I have is terribly dry sinuses and a dry, hacking cough. I don't know how to fix that one yet. It's probably related to having a million cats in the house and not having vacuumed very well, in addition to having spent four nights working in a smoky bar, being stressed, not sleeping, and having the weather be all nutty.

Yesterday I finally got a chance to relax a little bit. I moved the guns around and got the ones in the safe that needed to go there. The rest of 'em are at the ready just in case the zombies rise. We watched Star Wars (Episode III) and Independence Day 'cause my parents have a satellite dish. We cleaned out the cabinets and the refrigerator, which went quickly, and we rearranged the furniture in the living room, which turned out badly and is something we need to re-evaluate. We'll have to work on that one.

Recovery-wise this has been an odd two weeks. I haven't acted out or anything, nor have I been tempted to, though I'm cognizant that that could happen at any time. I've been having weird dreams that I haven't been expecting and don't really want, but I don't know how to fix that.

What's also odd to me is something I noticed on Saturday night at the bar. I used to love watching women dance - I mean REALLY love it, man. It was totally a trigger for me. Now, by and large, I can't look at it anymore. You'd think that a bunch of young attractive women gyrating and undulating and shimmying all sexy wouldn't be spark such n odd revulsive response, but there it is. I don't have an explanation for that one, either, unless you guys have been praying some kind of cover over me that I don't know about. If that's the case, it sure has worked, man. It went from catnip to corpse.

I've gotta do some cat-pee eradication today as there was some initial upset in my folks room (I blame Bunny, whose conduct towards me on Saturday was quite heinous). I have a the blacklight and on the way home I'll get enough astringent and antiseptic cleaner to saturate the carpet down through the pad and kill any microbe smaller than a flea. Oscar had an accident in one of the rooms today, too, but it was because we accidentally locked him in overnight. My fault, and it's an easy fix.

I got paid a little over the weekend, enough to get the phones turned back on and get the supplies I need ordered, plus a little to eat on. I have lots of fun work stuff to do until the stuff comes in, like 1099 forms and wesite updating.

Today there's ice on the trees. Mom and Dad picked a good week to to to sunny Florida.

I have a New Year's Resolution - just one. I'll share that one tomorrow. You guys will laugh, I think, especially the ones that really know me.

Oh - and I have to replace the guts in both toilet tanks, as they do not perform to my satisfaction. And I have to replace the fart-fan in one of the bathroom, as it now makes a terrible death-rattle when you turn it on.

OK - enough for now. See you guys tomorrow. Really.

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