The internet is an institution of the devil

My therapist used to say this every once in a while, particularly when I was grousing about something. I mean, she wasn't blind to the benefits of it, but she seemed to think there was more bad then good out there.

So this kinds of leads me to tonight. I haven't touched a computer in nearly four days, and I think I like it. I haven't really watched TV, either. I think I may have gotten a few IQ points back, even. I've gotten a lot more sleep, too. I think I'm going to knock off about 90% of my Internet usage; I think blogging and some work e-mail is about I'm good for anymore, save my beloved munkey board. I'm looking forward to it, but since I'm on I might as well talk.

The past 48 hours have been rough, recovery-wise. I've had the nightmares again; but I'm choosing to think of that as a good thing. They tend to surface when I'm struggling through something. I've had a few moments where the urge to act out has arisen, but they've passed. I've been going back to the basics, praying the serenity prayer a few times a day, especially when I start getting thoughts I don't want. It's odd how stuff still surfaces or re-surfaces. I'm thinking about going through a new resentments list (or perhaps hurts/hangups/memories that still hurt list). I struggle with this a little bit - do I still dig deep and re-hash stuff I've been trying to forget, repress or let go of - or - do I go through it again and try to clean out those old wounds one more time? Dig deep and work though it again, man. My mom seems to think that I have some more issues I need to work though, particularly some stuff left over from my divorce. Truth be told, I haven't given that much thought before. I kind of figured I was over ll of that, but perhaps I still have some stuff I'm not aware of.

So - let's answer a question from my last blog.

CindyDianne said: Ian - what if it was her? what then?

Well, I don't know.

No - that's not good enough; my Pathways folks aren't not going to let me get away with "I don't know".

I guess it depends on how I allow it to affect me. Over the weekend, after reading Brent's blog - and re-visiting the term "stupidhead" - I feel like I'm starting to see the stupidity of the hang-up. The reality is there never really seemed to be much hope for the relationship to succeed long-term for a variety of reason, but that hasn't stopped my emotions from refusing to follow my actions. There's some kind of hang-up there I haven't unraveled yet, but I am beginning to see the foolishness of it.

I guess the real answer to the question is it depends on how tightly I cling to what's gotten me through everything so far, and that's' sticking t the basics, which for me is following the 12 steps, turning it all over to God immediately, not picking it back up, acknowledging the hurt, understanding it's temporary, and not giving into the temptations to act out or otherwise do something I shouldn't that would violate my sobriety, which is still a still a very fierce battle on occasion.

For what it's worth, I have that I can only be about 98% transparent here, but if would be pretty inappropriate to go beyond that. I hope you guys understand.

Now, enjoy this clip of "King of the Hill". It fits. Find the value.



491

A lot happened today

Last night, before I went to sleep, I just about had a panic attack. I was suddenly terrified about letting my daughter go on her weekend trip to East Texas, and for no real reason I could justify. I was terrified, breathing heavily, crying and felt a sense of dread. I damn near didn't let her go, except I had calmed down by morning and came to my senses a little bit - temporarily. I also had terrifically violent nightmares last night; violent and scary and disturbing, and I slept lousy - really lousy. So I woke up quite bleary-eyed and got in the car to go pick up our daughter.

Here's where it did not improve, and here's why.

On the way t go pick her up, I have to drive within about a 1/2 mile of my ex's house. I generally drive by it two times a week - four if it's a visitation weekend, and sometimes again if I have business out that way. I'd like to say I'm past the point of watching "out" for her, but I'm not - not really. I haven't actually seen her since I spotted her and her baby in Wal-Mart several months ago, but that doesn't keep me from, well, not exactly looking, but I guess just watching out for. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense. I watch out for her car. I watch out for the CD's she has across her driver side visor. I watch out for the stuff she has hanging off of her rear view mirror. I know her license plate number. I know her car's make, model and year. I watch out for her head in the driver seat, her face, her sunglasses, her hairstyle - you get the idea.

So today we're sitting at a stoplight, and this car pulls up behind us. It has many (ok - two) of the similarities of her car, and so of course, I lock on like a heat-seeking missile. I am utterly convinced that it's her, man. Never mind the hair color is all wrong, I don't recognize the guy in the passenger seat, the car is wrong, and the girl is smoking, which I've never seen the ex do - I was convinced it was her, and I panicked. I felt my arms go weak, my face flush, my heart pound, my head go light, my palm sweat, and was gripped by some sense I can't explain - all because I thought I saw my ex.

What's wrong with me, me, man? It took Toni a full two minutes to talk me back down, to point out is most definitely wasn't her, and it took me about five more minutes until I felt normal again. What's wrong with me?

Then, after we got home, I got the news I had to borrow about $800 from my folks to be able to close on the house. Damnit, man. Damnit. I'm so tired of borrowing money, even if I can pay it all back in a week or so.

And then, while I was trying to relax on the couch, I got triggered - badly. I got the flushed face, the rapid heartbeat, the skin crawling, the unreal feeling of floating away or being lightheaded, and the urge - the need - to act out. It came from memory I've been trying to bury for a long time, and it triggered me today. I didn't lose it, instead I sat very still, acknowledged what was happening, let the sensation wash over me, didn't panic, stayed calm, and prayed until it passed. It hasn't happened to me in months, but it happened to me today. Just continue to deal with it as it happens, I guess.

But I wonder - what's going to happen if I eve really do run into her some day?

Then I went to work, took a clonizapam and went about my duties, albeit a bit slower and with slightly less enthusiasm. I didn't want anything else to happen at work, man. It had been to long a day already. Then I had to stay an extra three hours and screen a movie - "Obsession". I give it a 5.

When we finally got home at 2:30 AM we were greeted by the unmistakeable stink of rotting flesh in the garage. I immediately thought one of the cats had died from the heat, but it turns out that Scrappy, God's finest miniature killing machine, had captured a lizard - a 12" iguana, of all things, from what we can identify of the corpse - and in no uncertain terms, killed the shit out of it. It stunk, but with the help of a bottle of degreaser, a broom, an industrial fan and a bottle of Listerine the garage is minty fresh again. Man - I hope that wasn't some k id's pet or something. Scrappy nailed it, man. That was one giant-ass lizard, too.

Anyway, that's my day. Days like today make me want to go see my therapist again. Maybe I'll try to call her back tomorrow again. She's been tricky ot get a hold of as of late.

Enough - it 3:32 AM

487

Just so I can get back on track.....

I figure I'll just keep an eye open for cop jobs and see if any come up. Be forewarned - if I start the process, this blog is history, though I *could* start a new one....anonymously (or under a pseudo name of some sort). IN the meantime, I'm going to try and move forward at the theater - there's a career path that's really not bad at all.

Today I ate a mango. Not bad. This evening we took a quick five-mile bike ride. It was fun, and those miles go by a lot faster when you can set your own pace. Tonight we saw "The Hangover" - I used passes from work, so it was free. Shocking. Appalling. Hysterical. In a few weeks (when it's free for us) we're going to go see "Transformers." Even employees can't use their freebies on that one for the first few weeks.

So I've been waiting for a paycheck that I'm going to buy the Bronco with. For nearly four weeks. And I have to say - it's pretty much killed the fun and excitement from it. Now I don't even care anymore. Thanks for sucking the fun out of it, slow, lazy client. Now I feel like I'll be buying the Bronco almost grudgingly, or out of obligation. This was supposed to be fun - a ray of 5.8 liter 351 Windsor sunshine. Saying that nice engine size gets a bit of the excitement back, though.

The manager of the bar I put in to be bouncer at says to keep stopping by and visiting. I've been by twice so far. I think next time I might actually buy a beer. I tend to go back and forth on it some days, but the extra money is hard to walk away from, and it is an easy job, as much as I complain about it. We'll see, I guess. I don't even like beer that much anymore - not since I threw up those two pitchers.

Today we started planning our honeymoon a bit. I think it'll be fun - we're looking at a long cross-Texas tour, seeing the gulf coast and the hill country in short little hops. I've had a couple of partially bad, mostly bad (and one really bad) road trips, and I think I'm due a good one. Plus we both love Texas.

I think we also saw two Mormon girls on bikes tonight, too - do they do the door-to-door thing, as well? Either way, they sure were cheerful and happy.

Nothing new on the sobriety/recovery front. It's going pretty well - I hope it continues.

Do you guys have thing or people that you try not to talk abut as a couple? We do. Our "try to avoid" topic is an ex of mine, though she still comes up every so often (a few times a week, maybe?) for one reason or another. Nothing bad or anything, mind you - she just comes up. I mean - she had a big (even life-changing) impact on me (for both very good and bad) so it's bound to come up. You guys ever have that kind of thing crop up, or is it just me (us)?

It looks like my old house in Justin is about to finally close. I'm glad to have the financial nightmare it became behind me, but I sure loved that house. It could have been great. I guess I'm a little sad about it - I held out a lot of hopes for that house for a very long time. I'm sorry to see those dreams end for real.

Anyway, that's it.

486

So I've fallen *really* behind in blogging. It's because my real computer is still busted and I hate typing on this teeny laptop keyboard, but I hate not blogging more.

My Mom is coming home for a month tonight. She'll be here for a month, which is nice. I'm going to try not to gain any weight, but it means I'm going to have to put some real effort behind it, and probably start riding the bike more.

A lot of unexpected folks come to you on Facebook as "friend" suggestions. Some of 'em are folks I don't want to talk to at all, some of 'em are folks I'm fairly indifferent to, and some are folks I'd like to talk to and be Facebook friends with but probably ought to leave alone for both our benefits. It's a lot like real life that way.

My mango went bad while I was waiting for it to get ripe. I missed my window, but it's not like I can't get another one. It's a mango.

*sigh*

So.....here we go. Let's get it out there and deal with it.

I know that God is a God of all; of making the impossible possible. Making miracles happen. Curing the incurable. making the blind see, freeing the captive - I get all of that; I really do. But I've had a crisis of some sort lately - let me explain.

As I think all of you guys know, I used to be a cop. I have never, ever really let that go. I've always said that if I could go back and do it again I would. I still regret turning down a full-time position with Dallas County in 1999. Now - here's the rub. I've been unable to get a full-time gig as a cop, man. I've been shot down by no fewer than 15 departments since 1995. I tried again last year to get hired as a jailer, only to get shot down there, too. I've been encouraged to try the federal route, but I have to admit - I'm tired of getting told "no", and I don't know how much my heart is in it when I secretly think the entire process (which is very, very long, tedious and arduous) is domed to result in yet another failure and rejection. After consulting (off the record) with more than one background investigator, most of the problem is stuff I can't make go away - my addiction recovery, and most notably a girlfriend I had when I was 20 - who was 16. That's burned me more times than anything. I have a permanent ban from one department because the polygraph showed deception when they began questioning me about my sexual history. To tell the truth, I was badly, terribly rattled when talking about it to a complete stranger, and after spilling my guts I was an emotional wreck. In the end, I wasn't ready to deal with some of the stuff I'd done, and the polygraph showed my inner conflict, and said I was lying. That was in 1996; when I was 23. I'm about to hit 37 - the cutoff age for a lot of cop jobs. So - what do I do? Do I keep trying?

So here's my questions for this:

A) Do I give up on my dream?

B) Is it just accepting reality?

C) Is it doubting God's ability to get me hired?

D) How do I know what God's will is for me on this?

E) Is it ignoring God if He keeps shutting the doors?

G) Why do I have this dream still - this deep, burning desire to function in that role? Why has God given me that passion yet sees fit to not give me the way to do it?

Professionally, I was never happier than when I was a cop. I was making $9 an hour in an old, run-down dirt-poor town with 12 streets - none of them paved - under a chief that wouldn't take me seriously, and a lieutenant that didn't like me, and working nearly 50 hours a week with no overtime. Yet (job-wise) I was happy, because I was living my dream out. I've never forgotten that.

So I guess I don't now what to do. Do I keep trying, or do I forget my dream, or is trying to move on and leave your dream behind to live in what seems to be reality just telling God that I don't believe He's capable of doing what I can't?

This has been weighing on my mind for a long time, man. Ever since I was a kid, all I ever wanted to be is a cop, but it sure looks like God has other plans for me. How do I reconcile that, or do I?

What do I do?

485

about 10K?

Today we went biking. It was a five-mile trip to Sonic in 90+ degree heat. Our daughter managed to go the entire way successfully, though with a bit of whining, one rather fantastic crash that vaulted her over the handlebars (she ended up tumbling - uninjured, mind you - into some rather tall - and fairly soft- weeds) and one small collision with a tree. Overall, she did great job. After the ride we called Toni's brother Micheal to come and pick us up at Sonic, as we figured that none of us had the energy to cycle back - including me. Afterwards, we came home, changed clothes and went swimming.

After a pizza, our kiddo went to bad and Toni and I watched "UHF".

SUPPLIES!*

*not funny if you haven't seen "UHF"

I haven't called my cousin Steven to fix the computer yet. I mean, I did, and I was supposed to call him back several days ago and go over there and play a zombie video game with him but I haven't done it. This has been a lousy week to try to do anything other than work and spend time with my kiddo, and when I have the opportunity to spend time with her I tend to shut everything (and everyone) else out, and everything that's not her takes a massive second seat. I've been told it's over-reacting, but to my way of thinking, I lost a lot of time with her in the divorce. I don't get to see her every single day and tuck her into bed every night, and I try to squeeze every second I can get out of my time with her, even if other folks get shorted a little.

Unfortunately, that's not all of the story. My cousin Steven's wife and my wife had a pretty good disagreement several months ago, and we're all kind of just now starting to be cool with each other again, so I feel doubly bad about flaking out on him.

You know what, though? I have a huge track record of flaking out. It's been a pretty terrible problem I've had. I've flaked out on a lot of stuff, man. Paintball games. Dates. Commitments. Family events. You name it - I've probably not shown up to it. Sometimes it's really not my fault, but 99% of the time it is/was. I'm pretty sensitive about it now, and (now) it really bothers me when I do it, because I know deep down it's taking advantage of other's grace, patience and goodwill. It's pretty self centered and exploitative, I know. It's a pretty crappy thing to do, too. Ugh.

Of course, it would be easiest to stand up, man up and actually cal the guy, because all in all he's a laid-back cat. But truth be told, I'm being a total puss about it.

And it's another crappy pattern I have to break. Eventually, I'll run out of bad habits to break, right?

Aside form that, nothing much interesting today. I'm gonna smoke my pipe tomorrow. Oh - and I'm going to start wearing a bow tie at work. Probably a white one.

479

So - it's Tuesday

I had a nine hour shift at the theater today. This would have been cooler.


We took this pic year before last when Toni and went canoeing. Nine hours of running projectors isn't exactly taxing, but it was nine hours away from my kiddo and wife. Phooey. I'm going to make up for it tomorrow.

So - is the first thing everybody does on myspace and/or facebook look up their ex's? Just curious. I confess to having done this with (almost) everybody I ever dated. Or liked. Why do we do that?

I'm getting antsy about getting paid so I can pick up my truck. It's like waiting for your Little Orphan Annie decoder ring.

Oh - and I'm developing a bunion on my right foot. What the hell, man? Has my choice of incredibly unsupportive footwear for the past few (several) years begun to slowly cripple me?

We're going to ride our bikes to feed the ducks tomorrow. Hopefully we can find a Sonic somewhere along the way. During happy hour.

I'd like to play a prank on my boss - something funny and creative, but nothing he'll freak out over. I'd like to entertain myself a bit at work.

I feel like I'm reaching for stuff to write about here. Go deeper, huh?

Last night my wife and I were talking (nothing bad, certainly) about an ex of mine; it happens from time to time, as this ex had a pretty large impact on me in a variety of ways, both bad and good. I think both Toni and I try not to bring her up a lot, but from time to time something will arise that warrants discussion. Usually, it's something I have to deal with. Anyway, for a while, this ex referred to Toni as "the wife", mostly because Toni and I were essentially inseparable and led very intertwined lives. I have to confess that from time to time when I refer to Toni as my wife here, or when I talk about or write about my wife I do it pretty intentionally. I don't do it out of spite or anything; I do it to put another brick up in the wall I've had to build pertaining to my ex. I've had to build quite a wall there, man. And I have to keep that wall up all the time, too, and I have to keep stacking those bricks up, keeping my new family on one side of it and my ex on the other. I do it out of necessity; I do it because I have to. I don't mean it as a shot or a jab at the ex or anything - far from it. Hell, I still have to stop myself from defending her or "protecting" her here in some way. I guess to my way of thinking, I'm doing it as a step to insure the security of my marriage, doing what I can to prevent any intrusion, especially since I have a pretty solid track record of not only either inviting trouble or not running from it, but wandering into it on my own. I guess I'm hoping that if I build up a good enough wall we'll all be better off - the ex included. I gave her enough trouble already.

I'm glad I have a wife that lets me get this all out without getting upset. I mean, overly. She takes it all in stride, but I know sometimes this stuff gets to her. I mean - it has to. Nobody wants her husband yammering about their ex's and how they struggle with looking at hot girls. She's a tough woman, and quite a keeper to boot. I don't tell her that enough.

Tomorrow I think I'm gonna smoke my pipe. I think I got enough off my chest for a night. Have a cat.



478

I don't know if Brent tagged me or not.....

....but I saw 'em on Bonnie's Blog and figured I'd answer 'em, too. And you guys get a bonus blog, too, because even though I started on Monday night, it showed up as Tuesday. My answers are short and not quite as edifying or selfless.

Five material things I'd like to have in the next 12 months:

- Rock River or DPMS M4 (5.56mm tactical rifle)
- Glock 19 9mm
- a new interior for my Bronco
- a pair of cowboy boots
- three more tattoos

Five things I'd like to be in the next 12 months:

- out of my parent's house
- in my own house (that I can afford and that I won't lose)
- much closer to being out of debt (say, another $30K closer)
- closer to my wife and daughter (emotionally, spiritually)
- even further along on my road of recovery; continuing on my walk

Five things I'd like to do in the next 12 months:

- give more money to our church
- take my wife on a honeymoon
- get in better shape (ideally, lose 40 lbs & get my 6-min mile back)
- get my SAM promotion at work
- get rid of some of the emotional baggage I still carry

OK....now on to Tuesday's.

So today I'm stealing Brent's format.....

- I have a mango and I'm determined to eat it. How do I know when it's ripe?

- Our daughter has finally beaten the bike. We rode for nearly 4 hours today.

- We (finally) raked, swept and power-blowered(?) the remaining storm damage out of the front yard today. It looks a lot better. Now if we can only finish the back yard....

- I had five old guns on display racks in the hallway; 2 Webley revolvers, an old 1871 Colt, and two antique break-open shotguns. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to find someplace else for them because the condensation from the shower clings to 'em pretty fiercely and I spent two hours today with oil, rags, steel wool, q-tips, toothpicks and a toothbrush cleaning them up. I don't intend to let those pieces get that way again - I've never owned a rusty gun and I was shocked (and appalled) to see them hanging in the hallway. They're all back to their OCD-grade cleanliness now, though.

- I'm bringing one of our spare mini-fridges up to work so the kids can use it in the breakroom.

- I've got a few bug bites that aren't going away quietly. Mosquitoes can go to hell.

- Ever since my Dad gave me some encouraging words about how noticing pretty girls is kind of normal (and knowing that none of 'em are as good as what you've got at home), I've felt a lot better about it. I'm still bouncing my eyes and fleeing when I have to, though. I had to jet from a room twice at work over the weekend.

- The cats are very clingy and snuggly and lovey today.

- Our daughter seems to be having a pretty good time over here this week. And the Ranger game was a roaring success. I'll leave you guys with some pics from that.

Some awful storm clouds rolled right over us.




Take me out to the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll-game


Code Name Diamond and her new pink, sparkley Ranger hat.


My gals.


The wife and me.


We had an usher take this one. It was a great night.


And the Rangers spanked LA dodgers 6-0.

477

Storm pics

So - we had some weather in the past 48 hours.

Here's a few from Toni's camera.

This is at Toni's Mom's house.





Here's some of the stuff that blew off the back porch. The wind also toppled some metal lawn furniture in the back as well.


So here's a pic of all the branches we dragged out of the alley with Toni's 4X4 and a chain.


The front yard didn't fare quite so well. Apparently, a second storm blew in overnight and did took out a large section of this tree.


We lost a very large portion of a tree in the front yard. I'm a bit concerned about the rest of it, but not so much I'm willing to chop down a 30+ year old tree without being completely certain it's doomed, and I'm nowhere near that point.


So it was time to get to work.


It actually wasn't too bad. That Hatian machete was razor-sharp and quite heavy enough to slice through 1" limbs pretty effortlesly.


The brushy stuff was easy, but made a big pile. The city is gonna come and pick it up for free, and we don't have to bundle it.


I had to chainsaw through the thick stuff. Towards the end a neighbor with bigger, gas-powered saw came and helped out. He had the right tool for the job in the end, but our little 14" electric saw did quite well for most of it.




It was wet, sloppy work.


It could have been a lot worse - like these folks who lost two mature oak trees in one night. Those are pretty much irreplaceable, man.


Oh - and the house is unscathed, except for where BunnyCat threw up in my parent's bedroom. So there's that.

Tomorrow we're taking our kiddo to her first Ranger game. It'll be fun. She didn't seem too impressed initially, but once we told her about the Dot Races, the hot dogs & ice cream she warmed up to it. I think her & Toni are going to get matching hats.

While I wsa chopping and sawing this morning, I did reflect on the fact that the two trees that were uprooted were lost because they didn't have deep roots. There's an analogy there, people, so whatever your roots are, make sure they're strong enough to keep you from blowing away when the real storms come, and make sure they're deep enough to get ripped out from under you.

This weekend we have free HBO and Cinemax on the satelite network. Toni's gonna block it.,because she needs to.

Think about it. Anyway, I found out I have to replace the network card on the other computer, which isn't a big thing, but I've never done it before. Wah.

Anyway, I think that's it. I'l get to some of my struggles about not being a cop any more wnen I can use a real keyboard. This one is just too much trouble.

473

Well OK, then

I got tired of waiting for my "real" computer to fix itself, so I'm blogging from Toni's laptop, which it feels like I'm typing with my hands inside a shoebox. I think I'm gonna call my cousin Steven, the zombie-killing computer guru and gun whore. If he can't fix it I'll use it to start building my wall of debris to impede the zombie hordes from assembling and making an organized charge.

Because I haven't blogged for a few days, this might be a bit long. So, in no particular order, here we go.

Toni and I went to the Highland Village Red, White and Blues festival on Saturday to hear Kevin Fowler (who I love) and to watch the fireworks. Now, as most of you know, I do my best to bounce my eyes and to keep from looking at women as sex objects. I think most of the time I feel like I'm fairly cognizant of my surroundings and aware of where I ought not to be staring. I have to admit, though - at that outdoor festival there was just too much skin to avoid seeing. I don't remember when the percentage of girls wearing really short shorts went up, but Good Lord, man. It was worse than any night I ever worked at any of the clubs, including the night that Girls Gone Wild was filming at the bar I was working at. There was a lot of ass and hard body to look at, man, and even though I wasn't interested in any ass at all (other than my wife's) it you couldn't help but see it, no matter where you looked. I don't know of a nice way to say it.

Anyway, after a while it rally started to get to me. I felt uncomfortable, tense and claustrophobic. I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy myself because I couldn't look anywhere. I couldn't watch the stage. I always have a tendency to constantly scan a crowd for threats (I know - it's a paranoid trait) but I felt like I couldn't do that, and it's hard to me to relax when I can't. The fireworks were OK because they're up in the air and there's no tail to see up there. Anyway, I was getting really sensitive about it and it got to me to the extent that it diminished my enjoyment of the festival. I guess it's the equivalent of an alcoholic getting annoyed because folks are waving a whiskey bottle under his nose. And oddly enough, I started getting annoyed and a little mad at all those girls (especially the ones that could pull it off) for wearing stuff that helps me to burn images of their bodies in my mind and for wearing shorts that affected me like that, even though I don't guess it's really their fault. It reminded me of the folks I used to say that girls shouldn't wear stuff to cause their brothers to stumble, but I've always rejected that because even if women were wearing burkas I'd still have fantasized about 'em. So there's that.

We've started trying to integrate the cats together. It hasn't always been smooth. Whenever one of the cats from the orange team enters my folks room, BunnyCat climbs onto something high, shrieks at the orange cats at top of her lungs for half a minute and then hides under the bed. The other cats remain largely unimpressed, though with a good enough display of aggression the orange team will flee. Pumba is the most obsessed with becoming BunnyCat's best friend, much to her annoyance. Oscar tends to be a follower. Timone, with his oversized fox ears and big lemur eyes, tends to remain the least involved in the drama.

We lost our big contract on Saturday to another company that was a lot more expensive but had their ISO certification (which we don't have and can't afford to get) in hand. I hated to lose that contract (it was worth $65K), but sometimes God tells you "no". It's not the first time He's told me no, and it won't be the last time, either. If I didn't choose to continue to trust God with our future, I'd be really angry and upset still. We are both choosing to trust Him and to believe that He loves us and has a good plan for us, and that He was something better for us down the line.

A new club is opening up in Lewisville and I stopped by today to drop off an application to be a bouncer again. Apparently they're fully staffed, but they seemed pretty interested. I'm still gonna keep my job at the theater, but maybe switch to days up there and nights at the club. I'm losing 75% of my paycheck to garnishments from the AG's office, and I'd like some more income during the summer when the business at out little company dries up for a few months. Plus I miss it. I miss the adrenaline rush from fighting, and I'm just not gonna get that at the theater.

Last night I finally figured out that I waste entirely too much time watching TV. From now on, I'm not going to watch it unless I'm specifically watching something, and not just laying n front of it in a semi-conscious state, letting it turn my brain into tapioca. Now it's only on if I want background noise to ignore, or if we both want to watch something, like a movie.

I'm getting excited about getting the Bronco, which ought to be in the next few days (or weeks). I'm looking forward to having a project to fix up a bit at a time. I've already started looking around for the best prices on the stuff I'm going to need, and I already have my JC Whitney catalog the way.

Nothing exciting otherwise, I don't think. I think this week I might write about not being a cop anymore, and what I'm thinking about doing about that.

Anyway, that's about it for tonight. I'll get back on tomorrow, as I hate not blogging. It makes me feel all bottled up and angsty.

469

My real computer appears to be broken

Rats. Now I have to do some hardware stuff I don't fully comprehend, and I have to blog using Toni's teeny little laptop keyboard, which I don't like. My e-mail is also a little whacked, too, so I have to find workarounds for that as well. Anyway, I can either wrap it up here or write for the next hour, so that's it until I get my computer back where it needs to be. Don't expect anything until Friday - I'm not so hot with the network fixing thing.

464

The cat picture ended up being way off

Well, gosh - I didn't do much today, so I'm a little hard-pressed to find stuff to write about. We did go out to eat, and we've discovered two things. First, Toni and I can split an entree and both have plenty to eat. Secondly, coupons are your friend. Toni went on a coupon spree and scored a passel of free stuff - mostly food. This pleases me. I'm a little tempted to see how much little money I can spend and make a game out of it, or at least see who has what on special and go there.

I'm gonna have to go see my chiropractor this week. I can feel my back starting to act up again. I think I only have about ten more days before it goes out or slips that disc again. Maybe my chiropractor has a special.

After yesterday I'm starting to feel more at ease with working at the theater. I think that I had (and still have) a preconceived notion of where I ought to be financially; I used to go by the theory that as you grew older you should make more and more money every year until you're financially secure. So far, that seems to have quit working in 2002. I've since learned that not much in life is stable, especially money. Hell - even relationships can fail, and often do. Last Friday would have been my 10 year anniversary with my first wife. I suppose I've been in denial about that bothering me, but it kind of has. I mean, aren't we supposed to have forgotten all about that and moved on? It's not that I want my first wife back or anything like that; I let that go a very long time ago. I guess it's just the sense of failure I still struggle with from time to time; the thought that I could have done something different and maybe our daughter would have her biological parents still together. Isn't what what we're brought up to believe is the best thing for the kid? Isn't that what they told us in church the experts all say? Isn't that what God wants for us? Ten years ago, man. Some days I think "we could have made it." Same days I think I think that.

Don't get me wrong - I know that God has had a plan for me all along, but sometimes it's hard for me to reconcile it in my heart, even when my head gets it. I know He's brought me through all of this so far; my divorce, my recovery, my ex-girlfriend, my financial meltdown - all of this is being to further His glory, right? But I have to admit that part of me is quite terrified that He's building me up for something really terrible in the future - something that only somebody that's gone what I've gone through could handle without breaking, and I'm afraid of what that might be. Is God just building me up to take something else I love away from me? And How will I know what it's going to be? Will I lose my wife, my daughter? I don't know how well I'd handle that, man.

I have to confess that while I know intellectually that God can bring about the greatest, most wonderful things through the most tragic and sad of circumstances, but emotionally I don't want to go through anything else. I'm already tired some days, but I know that God doesn't operate on what I want, only on what He wants, and He's not interested in making us comfortable, or making us feel safe, or making us love Him, or even making us feel like we're in on what He's doing. I have to admit - I don't always like that, but I know that it's not something I can control, and I just have to proceed on faith and hope that somehow God's plan will ultimately be what He's promised us it will be. Intellectually I know this, but emotionally I'm still afraid sometimes.

So much of my life hasn't gone that way I would have thought it would, the way that I thought it would have wanted it for me. I went through a divorce. I went through another terrible breakup later on. I became an addict somewhere along the way. I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention - this is the life that God had in store for me? I don't know how many times I've looked up at the sky and asked God that question - is THIS it? THIS is what you wanted for me? I never got an answer, not when I felt I needed one the most.

I supposed it's human nature, to feel that way. It's what makes us fallible, what causes us to take shortcuts, like lying, cheating and stealing, isn't it? Those are the things we do when we don't believe enough; when, in our brokenness, we doubt what God says He has in store for us, and when we let our own desires, even if they're not bad in and of themselves, get the best of us. We cheat so we can gt ahead, maybe because we believe that we can't do it on our own. We steal, perhaps to get things we can't have or to fill a hole or a need that nothing else seems to fill. I know I lied to the people I loved the most to keep from feeling abandoned, or even feeling to keep from feeling like somebody was going to leave me, to make them believe in me and to make the love me. Ultimately, of course, it fails, but as fallen, broken people, it's what we do.

I love my wife. I love my daughter. I love my sobriety. I love my parents. I love my friends. I love being able to have someplace to fall when I was ready to hit the bottom. I'm happy that my daughter is growing up in two families that adore her, families of peace and not families of turmoil and strife. I've seen the result of that in people I dearly loved, and the hurts that creates can take a lifetime to heal, if ever. I'm happy to be married to somebody that loves me and that I don't live in fear of leaving me. I'm happy with my life, if not my circumstances, but I can't control those. I guess sometimes it's just good to get these things out where they can't hurt you anymore.

For what it's worth, I'm not sad or anything. I guess some nights you get reflective. Apparently, this is one of those nights.


463

It's kind of a blow to my ego

So tonight I saw a lot of folks I knew at the theater. It was nice to see them, but I have to confess I feel a bit of embarrassment every time it happens. I know an honest job is nothing to be ashamed of, but at times it bothers me that I'm 36 years old and I'm getting paid $8.50 an hour to be the assistant manager at a dollar movies. I have to admit I feel like it's a big step backwards financially, especially when I'm hands-down the oldest guy there, except for my boss, but he makes a lot more than I do. I'm basically doing one step up from the job I had when I was 20.

When I was a bouncer, at least it had an element of coolness to it. That's a tough-guy job. You command respect, and I admit it strokes my ego. I miss feeling cool at work, and having a job that I don't feel a twinge of embarrassment at talking about. "Assistant manager" just doesn't have the same ring to it as "bouncer" does. I know it's just my foolish pride talking, but it bothers me. And I miss fighting, too.

Look, I know this job is better. It pays (a little bit) more. The schedule is better. The environment is better. I get more hours. There's (almost) no threat of physical violence. I don't get vomited on. There are no drunks (that cause problems). 95% of the staff is great. My boss is a good guy, and definitely not a drunk. Our daughter even likes my new job and she thinks it's super-cool. Intellectually, I know it's a better gig, but it's hard on my ego, and I miss feeling cool when I run into somebody I know at work.

I miss being a cop, too, but that's a whole different story. Maybe I'll get into that this week, if you guys want to hear it.

We had a great weekend, overall. We took a much closer look at the truck and a much more in-depth test drive, and I think we're going to get it once the money comes in. It'll be a good vehicle for me, and it'll give me another project to work on. Our daughter seems to like it, too.

We took in a few movies this weekend. "Night at the Museum 2" is a great movie. "Race to Witch Mountain" was apparently an hour-and-a-half long snore-fest. Our daughter lost interest halfway through, and Toni says I owe her 90 minutes.

I think that's it.

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PS - one of those "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials came on tonight. I used to stay up and watch those every chance I got, searching for them nightly on cable TV. Tonight, though, I just groaned, rolled my eyes and found something else to watch. I have to admit though,now they just seem forced, pitiful and lame. There was a time in my life when I would have thought that was possible to say. They were like catnip, man - I couldn't resist those. Anyway, tonight it couldn't hold a candle to the "Top Ten" show on the Military Channel, either. Tonight it was about helicopters. That's progress, man.