I've been in a pretty good funk for about the last three days. And I have about zero explanation for this. Maybe I'm manstruating, which is when guys get some kind of macho PMS. (I learned that term from Clara - I though it was pretty good).
I don't want to be touched - in any way - by anybody. Burly guy handshakes are OK, but nothing else.
Whenever I feel arousal of any kind, I get nauseous afterwards for about 15 minutes.
I can't sleep at night, and then I can't (or won't?) get out of bed in the morning. Fortunately, it's the super-slow time of the year so it's having little or no impact on me up here at work. My sleep pattern is way, way off. Even if I went to bed at 10 or 11, I can't fall asleep until 3 or 4 AM, and then I'll sleep until very late morning or early afternoon. I know it's a terrible cycle, but I'm having a hard time trying to break it alone. My diet is going to kill me eventually, too. One cannot eat Sonic alone, at least not for as long as I have. I'm sure all those chemicals in the food I'm eating aren't helping, either.
I feel very stressed & a little anxious a lot of the time, and kind of depressed off and on, sort of like when I forget to take my meds or I run out, but I'm still on 'em. Well, I'm still on one of 'em. My anti-depressant I've stayed on religiously - no problem there. However, I haven't been taking my anti-anxiety pills (klonopin) for a few weeks now, because Ive been trying to not use them. Maybe I need to take a couple and get the bottle refilled. I seem to be less.....well, anxious...when I'm taking those. And I slept a hell of a lot better, too.
*sigh*
OK - back on 'em today. That one was pretty easy to figure out.
What about the don't-touch-me and the nausea, though? What are those about?
Is it guilt? If so for what? I haven't done anything to feel guilty about. And arousal in and of itself isn't bad - it's healthy and normal. Am I just being overly-sensitive to it or is this some kind of weird psychological thing? Geez, man. Maybe I need to go talk to my therapist one more time about that one.
I've also been thinking about trying to get another job, too, not because I don't like what I'm doing but because I'm tired of not having a steady paycheck. I called a background investigator at a police department that I know is testing pretty soon; I'm going to lay my situation & my history out in front of him and see if it's enough to get me cut from the process before I go through it again. I've got four really major strikes against me before I even begin, and I don't want to waste their (or my) time and money if I'm not employable. We'll see, man. A steady paycheck would be nice, and I can still run this thing from a distance if I have to. It's a self-supporting business in and of itself, but supporting itself AND me are two wildly different things on occasion, and when I say "on occasion" I mean "most of the time". Maybe it's the constant, unending financial strain that's just wearing me down.
Blah.
OK - back to work.
146.
***Update*** - I spoke to the background investigator with the police department; I'm still a no-hire. It was worth a shot, right?
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