Friday, yo

I have no "street cred" whatsoever. I don't think I ever did. I can't use cool slang phrases without sounding foolish. I've decided that I'll probably never really be "cool" again, and I think any efforts I expend to that end are likely to prove fruitless. I do think I need to seriously make my peace with that, though. I have to admit - I still want to be cool.

I still want a cowboy hat for when I go tubing on the river, though. I have no illusions I'll look cool wearing it, but if my wife likes it I'll get it.

I think a lot of it comes from working with teenagers at work. They seem pretty cool, and I catch myself having to fight attempts to fit (a little) in with them, as stupid as that would be, both personally and professionally, but I still catch myself wanting to fit in. I think it speaks to a deeper need (or want) to be liked and accepted.

It's weird (to me) that I still struggle with that from time to time. I don't need to be friends with any of the people at work. I'm very happily married, and have zero interest in any kind of intimate relationship with anybody else. I have my daughter, my wife, my CR buddies, my munkies, my blogger friends (hey - you guys didn't think I wouldn't count you guys, did you?). I feel pretty good and secure with who I am and (mostly) where I am 99% of the time, so why, every once in a while, do I still want everybody to like me?

I think everybody struggles with that from time to time. I think it's in our human nature to want to be liked. I think it's how we're wired to function. I don't think we're hard-wired to function in solitude, even though we try. I think we need to make sure that we're keeping and strengthening the connections that are good and healthy for us, and keeping the rest of 'em where they need to be. I guess that's just common sense, huh?

I was gonna share something that Toni and I were laughing about a few days ago, but in retrospect there's no real point. I suppose I don't have to share everything everything, huh?

Anyway, that's what was on my mind tonight. "Army of Darkness" just came on, so I'm done.

520

I missed two days.......

So - where was I?

Nothing exciting happened on Tuesday, so you guys didn't miss anything. I worked and went to bed. We were going to watch "The Phantom of the Opera" (the 2004 musical version) but Netflix sent us a weird Italian version we chose not to indulge in. Instead we opted for "Can't Hardly Wait" and went to bed.

Wednesday (Toni's birthday) was better. We have a few pictures we took. I was trying to get Toni to put 'em on her site, but she wants 'em here, so here we go.

We slept late and then headed out to get pizza. Did I mention her favorite pizza is in West? We saw a few interesting sights along the way.

I don't know if God was pleased with our trip or not.

We always wondered where the Old Brandon went. Now, we'll always know where to find him.

Our destination

The payoff. It was as good as it looks, man.

While we were there, we saw something "Skunk Eggs". Upon further investigation, we discovered they were chicken, bacon, jalapenos, onions and cheese rolled into a ball and deep fried. This, of course, had to be tried. Also delicious.

We saw this in West, too. We thought it was cool. It seems like something my Dad would do when he eventually retires. If he eventually retires.

On the way home, we saw this. And, of course, we had to stop and investigate.

As you can see, it was totally worth it.
And they wouldn't let us leave without giving us samples of smoked brisket, turkey and ribs in both kinds of BBQ sauce, either. Toni had to get some banana pudding and some sweet tea before we left. I want to go back - I think it'd totally be worth the trip.

After a long day, we joined her sister and her hubby for a few cold ones at The Library in Ft. Worth's lovely Sundance Square.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Toni.

On an unrelated note, there's a mayonnaise commercial that aggravates me. They're trying to make mayo exciting, selling it as something wild. Their catch phrase is "We will not tone it down!" Don't kid yourself, man. Mayo is the essence of toned down. It's mayo. Don't forget what you are, mayo. You are what white people put on white bread with baloney, or bologna, of whatever you want to call it. Own who you are, mayo. Own who you are, and to thine own self be true, O' creamy condiment of the white race. The Caucasian race needs you.

519

forbidden eastern mysticism

Tonight I'm doing my first yoga session with Toni. I borrowed a yoga mat and a DVD from a co-worker and we're going to try it out. We were talking with my mom over dinner (which Mom generously treated for us - thanks again, Mom!) about how we (Toni and I) grew up thinking that yoga was tied into eastern mysticism and transcendental meditation and new-age thinking and all sorts of stuff the churches we grew up in said were just fronts for Satan. Despite the risk to my soul, we're going to try yoga anyway, as running seems to bang me up worse than benefits me, and cycling is a bit contingent on the weather and doesn't stretch me out and tone me like I'd like.

That sounded awful girly - let me try that again. I wanna be more flexible so I don't get hurt lifting heavy stuff at work and stronger so I can beat people up better. There - that sounds better.

Tonight I fell asleep on the couch after dinner. I was exhausted, and apparently snored through a lot of Fox News before I woke up. I like having a wife that lets me sack out for a bit when I need it. Today was a crazy day at work - imagine the chaos losing power (for 45 minutes) at a movie theater can create. Everything electric died - projectors, movie platters, cash registers, box office, concession stand, computer network, not to mention the lights, air conditioner and eight theaters of people that paid to see a movie. You know what though? Today was great, man - I had a blast running around, and I feel like today I actually earned my paycheck. Unfortunately, I was doing maintenance work today, so I was dressed in a t-shirt and torn jeans, so I looked like a bit of a hobo. On the good side, it spared me from wearing that (required) cursed suit jacket during all of that. I know it looks professional, bu I hate wearing suit jackets, especially polyester ones.

On an aside, the folks that sell pet food have gone to far with it. Tonight I've seen cat food plugging a canned variety containing whole grains and garden greens, and a dog food that has rice, barley and vegetables.

I don't think cats and dogs want to eat like that, man. I think the people trying to sell that food want YOU to think that your pets want to eat like that, because we've been told that that's the stuff we need to be eating, and obviously our pets have the same dietary requirements. To this I say: bull. Based on my experience, you should have a cat food that tastes like iguana and blue jay and a dog food that tasted like litter box poop and mealtime leftovers and they'd sell faster than you could stock the shelves.

Anyway, that's it for tonight. I'm gonna do yoga. Wish me luck.

516

Update: Yoga is hard, but I like it. I think stretchy girls are better at it than I am - thay have a lot less weight to move around. I'm also fairly inflexible in several directions, and I have a lot less balance than I thought I did. I'm also seriously thinking about a diet, too. I can feel a lot of muscles I haven't used in a long time, and I recognized a lot of the stretches. Still cool, though. Thumbs up.

into the realm of foolishness

For the record, I'm not writing about the ex. I'm writing about writing to the ex. It sounds stupid, but bear with me.

Generally speaking, I've blogged for any one (or more) of three different reasons. In no particular order, they are:

#1) Using it as a journal to process my thoughts
#2) To entertain myself and/or others
#3) To communicate (mostly one-sidedly) with an ex girlfriend

When I'm blogging for the first two reasons (which I think has been most of the time), I don't give a second thought to the reaction of my readership. However, when I venture into the realm of the third reason, I know what reaction(s) I wanted from her, even if I had no validation or proof I was getting it. I always figured I kind of knew about how she'd react, or at least I thought I did until a night or two ago, when I suddenly realized something - there's a very distinct possibility, if not a likelihood, that I'm just making an idiot out of myself when I do it, and I'm being ridiculed by her and/or her friends and family. Now, bear in mind I have no evidence of this whatsoever, except for the sudden realization that if it's not likely, it's possible. And I were to put myself in their shoes, I can see how a lot of what I write is absolutely pathetic from their point of view, and let's face it - I've given out a lot of material for them to sit around a computer, read, share and laugh at if they so chose to do so.

I don't like feeling foolish or stupid, but that realization made me feel that way. For a while, it made me regret everything I've ever written to, about, or at her, which has been quite a lot over a very long time. It was more than humbling, to say the least. I don't know what the next step beyond humbling is. Humiliating? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Maybe all of them. It certainly put a whole new light on a lot of what I've been writing about so often often the past few years, and made me think about what I write.

Obviously, one decision at hand is whether or not I continue to write here at all. I mean, it's an obvious and semi-permanent link to her, as it's always been and may always be a direct window for her to look in. So do I keep it?

I could always ditch this, e-mail all you guys a link to a new blog I'm writing under and assumed name. I've done that before, but I'm tired of doing it, and that's no guarantee she or somebody she knows won't find it or have it sent to her by a mutual contact somehow.

Or maybe I just temper this and don't put anything I don't want to be made fun of for, but is that being really honest? And I I quit being honest, with myself most of all, what's the point? All this becomes is another "here's what I had for lunch today" blog with no real substance or meaning to anybody, most of all me, which is who I'm writing it for more than anybody.

Anyway, I have these thoughts, these questions and no real answers for any of this.

515 (for Monday)

When AM 620 wins

I know it's a Disney kid. I know I'm 36, and I know I'm not supposed to really dig this kind of music. I know I'm going to lose whatever credibility I've built up with the likes of the Beastie Boys, Social Distortion, Chris Knight, Hayes Carll, Metallica, Kevin Fowler and Robert Earl Keen, but I really like this song.

Now, I shall suddenly digress.

-> Kelly Clarkson Rabbit Trail

I think it reminds me a little of some Kelly Clarkson tracks I used to listen to from her Breakaway CD (before my daughter's copy of the CD got lost). Man, Kelly Clarkson has some great songs. "Sober" (off a different CD) is a great one, too. I think the ones that you don't hear on the radio, some of the deeper cuts, are some of the most powerful ones.

-> back on track

Anyway, this is one of those songs that I'll sit in the car and listen to after I get where I'm going. I guess I like the emotional content of it, even though I'm sure it's a study-group fabricated committee-written song designed to sell records. Anyway, the singer is Demi Lovato. She's from Grapevine or Southlake, I think.

this could only happen to me

So tonight, on the way home, I see a stranded motorist & I stop to help; a nice Israeli couple with car trouble. The cops show up a while minutes later and all's well with that, so I jet knowing they're in good hands. No problem there.

I go a few hundred yards down the freeway and see a car pulled over on the right shoulder, hazard lights on, and a lady sitting on the ground fumbling with the rear passenger tire. I immediately pull off the highway, hit my hazards, grab my flashlight & walk back to the stranded car, ready to change a tire. When I get about five feet in front of the car, I can see the lady still at the tire, and I say (in my most friendly voice) "Howdy - would you guys like some help?"

It is at this point that I observe that I can be of no assistance to this lady whatsoever, because she's not wearing any pants. They are down around her ankles, because she's taking a restroom break on the side of the highway. I don't know the specifics. And now she has a rather bright spotlight to illuminate her performance. I switch off the light as quickly as humanly possible, but nowhere near quick enough for either of us. I mumble a hasty apology and make a hastier retreat back to the car. She did the same, and we both left. I'm not sure who was more embarrassed.

513

oirtjhorjoolnldfn

I am tired and I don't particularly feel like writing, as I have......not much rattling around in here. This cat like sno-cones, though, doesn't he? We used to get sno-cones from the ice cream man when I was a kid. I remember they were like little round syrup flavored rocks, and there was ball of petrified gum at the bottom of the cone that retained its flavor for less than a minute. I like the sno-cones you get at the stands better now - the ones in foam cups. They're a lot softer.

Today at work, while I was running projectors, I found myself singing "Mooning" from Grease (the play, not the movie) and "Blue Christmas". Go figure - Christmas in July, huh?

Scrappy (the cat) ate a bluejay this morning. Do you guys think bluejays taste like dove or quail? I'm a little tempted to shoot one and find out, but it might be gross, like the crow (or maybe it was a grackle) that my friend Bri had to eat when he was a kid. All my crow-eating has been the figurative kind. I saw a dove this morning, but they're out of season.

We took our kiddo on two short bike rides today (she did great) and then to to see "Earth". It's a Disney nature documentary. She saw through a lot of the doomsday global-warming environmental bull. She said she thinks they make some of the stuff up. I liked it. Toni fell asleep.

I sure would like to catch a squirrel and set it loose inside somewhere really crazy, but I have no outlet and nobody to play that particular prank on. That's a shame. Anybody want a squirrel let loose at their office, home or place of worship?

I'm getting tired of popcorn and Mr. Pibb. And if you mix Sprite and Hi-C Fruit Punch you get a big bucket of crap. After filling up several cups of that concoction, I got tempted to try it and I did.

When you're poor like me, you get stuck in cycles that keep you poor. For example, when I got the Bronco, I didn't have the extra money to register it and get new tags. When I do get the money, I'll have to pay extra for taking so long. I also can't get it inspected, because the tires are old and cracked, which is why I never drive it anyplace I can't walk home from. And I have no spare, either. So, if I get a ticket, I'll just have to pay it until I can afford five tires that aren't cracked. I think I'm gonna score some used ones before I drop the cash on new ones. We also got two tickets for the other car, as we didn't have the cash to get it tagged & inspected and eventually got tickets for both. I had those coming - I'm not complaining about that. I did mess up and fail to call within the 10 days, though, and that cost me and extra $166. I got so focused on coming up with the cash to get the necessary stuff to get he tickets dismissed I neglected to tell 'em what I was doing. Dumb, that.

Also dumb is overdraft and NSF fees, which we've paid in spades the last month. From now on, I only use cash. And seashells, or possibly salt.

Sometimes you just want to write about how much you love your kid, but you feel like you don't want to spoil it by writing about it- you just let it be and enjoy it. Nothing can break your heart (in a good way) like your daughter.

That's it, other than we may be moving to Jen's ranch if the zombies come. Jen - if you're reading, can we come to your place when the re-animated corpses rise and wreak havoc among the living? We won't take up much room, and we'll send you a copy of the ZCP (Zombie Contingency Plan) and add you guys to "the list" if you want. In return, we offer "protection". I should probably add that if we get there and you guys are zombies already we reserve the right to clear you out and live in your houses anyway, so you might as well say yes. We'll take good care of your animals, unless they're zombies too, and then we'll just use their fur to keep warm, unless it's infected too, in which case we'll just burn their corpses for warmth. Also, I need the address. You can e-mail it to me, or just give us directions.

512

Today's thoughts (Wednesday night)

Tonight we took our daughter on a short ride on her new bike. It was nearly 45 minutes of encouragement, cajoling, threats, tears, whining, crying and frustration, as she was pretty terrified of her new bike.

Until she did it.

After she got it, she was all smiles again, and basking in her victory.

I guess part of being a parent is being hard on your kids when they need to be pushed a little further than they want to go, and you know it's ultimately good for them; they need the expansion, the experience, the knowledge that they can do it. The lesson I wanted her to learn was simple, and I kept repeating it over and over, in between telling her that she wasn't going to have to go it alone - we were right alongside her the whole way, and we weren't going to leave her. I told her we don't quit or give up just because it's hard. She told me that back several times as she rode her new bike home, leading the way.

I think it's a hard job, being a parent, and it makes me appreciate my parents even more. Most of all, I could not be prouder of our daughter. I know it's a small thing, but I hope she keeps that lesson close to her heart. If she learns that one, I think it'll help her out.

You guys can find whatever analogy to God might be appropriate. there's a few, I think.

Have a wildly unrelated cat.



512

I'm back in the saddle again, back where a friend is a friend......

Cousin Steven came over tonight and worked whatever majick he did and now I'm back to typing on my real keyboard, which is nice but now feels a little weird.

I figured I've gotten it all off my chest about the ex, man. I think I've talked it to death. I don't want to write about her, talk about her, or think about her anymore, and that's all I have to say about that.

I have a lot of old e-mails I need to go through and respond to but I'm off tomorrow and I think I'll be able to get it done.

So - what can I write about now? I was late for work today, after I said I was going to come in early this morning, too. Bad news, man. I got the professional equivalent of a parental "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." Ugh - the way he phrased it could not have hit harder, either. He asked me if I was in the habit of breaking my word; it's not the first time that's been an issue, and really thought I've moved past that, but it's evidently something I still have to work on. Man - I guess it's going to be one of those life-long things, huh? That sucks. You'd think I'd be better at doing what I say I was going to do by now. That's discouraging, to hear you're still not doing a good job at something so simple and yet so important. It stung so much I didn't even try to give an excuse - believe me, I have plenty - just tucked my tail between my legs and got to work. That got under my skin all day - I'm still trying to shake it off and move forward a little.

Yesterday Toni, me and CND went to the Denton Waterworks after I got off of work. They had water slides, of which CND was initially terrified. After a little encouragement, and after trying them all, we couldn't get her off of them. It's a great little park, too - close and inexpensive. Afterwards we went to Jason's Deli, which I haven't been to in a while. I should have gotten a more reasonable sandwich, but I didn't. Totally worth it.

I feel hypocritical for writing that title, as I'm actually a little afraid of horses. I've ridden them before, and I know what I'm doing (mostly), which means I can get on, get off and ride it while it walks and not fall off, and I think I could ride one it it was trotting, or maybe galloping, for at least a little while. I feel like I shouldn't make a cowboy reference as I'm not a cowboy whatsoever, despite my wanting a cowboy hat and boots. It was all that "Lonesome Dove" stuff that got me thinking about it. They make it sound easy in the books.

Anyway, we have some work to do before we go to bed, so I'm going to wrap it up.

511

If this doesn't sum up the entirety of this blog, nothing will.

I'll trying to get a jump-start on Monday again. I have the kiddo this week, but I'm still going to try to blog every day.

Recovery-wise I've found that I'm having to re-focus myself a lot more lately. I have to remind myself that if I deviate from the behaviors that keep me sober all I get is thoughts, dreams and images I don't want. I suppose on some level I'm hoping one day it'll just be automatic and something that won't trouble me anymore, but I need to remind myself that that's just not realistic. I have a buddy that's been a recovering sex addict for over 25 years, and he still deals with it. He's the same guy that says that kicking alcohol was easier compared to this. That's a sobering thought - no pun intended.

I guess while I'm on this, I'd better back up what I said on the last blog pertaining to knowing what my readership has been and still may be. I guess the first question is obvious. Do I use this blog to talk to my ex?

Let me get this part out of the way first, because it's the most important part. I'm happily married, and I'm gonna stay that way. I love my wife very much. I'm not trying to re-kindle or surreptitiously communicate with my ex using code or subtext in an effort to keep that option open. I think, if you asked us both separately, we'd both say that ship sailed a long time ago. I'm not trying to get her back or anything like that, and I can't imagine she'd want me back, either. We haven't spoken face-to-face in over a year, and I've only seen her once since then, just in passing. We've had no communication either direct or indirect since December, so that's where all of that stands. I have no idea what her situation is in any sense of the word, and I'm quite positive she's happy that way. We both are, I think, so there's no rocking that boat or trying to bark up that tree. And I haven't used her name or written directly about her, either - that was our agreement, and I think I've held to it.

Now - do I write stuff I want her to read? Yeah, I do. Every once in a while I'll post something that I think I want her to hear, or I feel like I need to get off my chest in some way, without actually communicating, which I admit isn't "fair" in one sense of the word but that I think needs to be avoided for everybody's benefit. I don't know what the "real world" equivalent might be or is. I guess it's like writing your feelings on a poster board and posting it in your front yard for the world to read, knowing that it's possible (with a suspected but ultimately unknown likelihood) that your subject may drive by and view it but knowing that you didn't write about your subject for your subject's benefit - only your own, with a fairly wanton disregard for the subject itself.

I think there's a mutual agreement to leave each other alone, and I think we're keeping it that way, as historically, any other arrangement tends to only bring pain to all parties directly - and indirectly - involved. I guess every once in a while I'll post something that I think I'd say to her if I could, for my own reasons, which are generally selfish ones, though in my mind they're to help me feel better or move past something I'm struggling with or alleviate some residual pain I'm still feeling. I guess there's no getting around that - you guys can do with that what you will, I guess. I don't think it's much of a secret to anybody, especially you gals. You ladies can see such things a mile away, even though we menfolk think we're pretty crafty about it.

I know I'll also say thing to try to shore up my relationship with my wife as well, things that are, in my mind, building blocks to continue to create the most solid foundation with her I can, including being fully honest, all the time, about everything, even the stuff you either want to keep to yourself or think you should. I feel like if I make statements to that effect (professing feelings of affection, loyalty, praise, affirmation, etc. towards my wife) publicly it helps us out in some way. Are we not supposed to build up each other publicly? That is my intent.

Oddly enough, I was going to ask why it is that when a relationship ends, why it it OK for us to move on ourselves but we hate to think about the other person doing the same, but it doesn't feel right tonight. Don't we all experience that to a certain extent? Anyway, for what it's worth, the two topics where originally unrelated, but I don't have it on me to put 'em together in the same blog as this one.

Man - I hope some of this made sense.

On a wildly unrelated topic change, I want to talk a bit about grilled chicken. I've tried to make it a few times, but have generally met with a finished product of a low 6 on a scale of 10. My friend Bri has a smoked chicken variant that achieves at least a solid 9. A few night s ago My buddy Kent banged out some charcoaled BBQ chicken that inspired me to try it again. However, my bride, knowing my failure rate with any chicken that's not fried, talked me out of it, and I reluctantly let her take over the project. My wife is a very persuasive lady, especially when hungry.

See, I'm a really picky eater. I like what I like and am generally afraid to try new things, especially other people's cooking. Generally, I'm afraid that if they make something I won't like it, and I'll be placed in the uncomfortable position of having to do one of two things; lie and have to choke down something I find unpalatable, or tel somebody that worked really hard on something that I don't like it, which will inevitably result in hurt feelings. This has been my dilemma in the other-women-cooking-for-me department for the duration my existence.

Tonight, however, my bride has alleviated me of this fear in yet one more application and relieved me of the burden of being able to grill a chicken. She made four delectable, juicy, succulent versions; a season salt, a garlic, a BBQ and a culmination of all three. Even out daughter, with her particular 8-year-old palate, gobbled it up. It was the best grilled chicken I've ever had, man. I just had to brag on her.

I also need to state the completely obvious in closing; that my wife is of uncommon valor, spectacular mettle, and of unwavering loyalty and patience to put up with the variety of particularly acerbic bullshit such as I tend to dish out here, most especially on this particularly tiresome topic, which can unquestionably be little else than an insult and an offensive affront to her security in her relationship with me. I know exactly what a skunk I can be, and how merciless my own introspection and personal catharsis can be to others, especially those closest to me, and it's likely a tribute to my own selfishness that I not only continue to freely indulge in it, but to document it so well on such a public forum. I often am reminded of how lucky, fortunate and blessed I am to have a wife of such trust and fidelity. She's got sand I don't know that I can match, in more ways than one.

Anyway, that's it for tonight.

509

Jeebus - I missed this whole week, man

So a few things.

Today I finally closed on my house, for good, for real. Part of it was kind of hard. Three times I dreamed of having a happy family in that house; three times I did my best to hold onto those dreams, and three times I refused to give up until the bitter end. The hard part was giving up a tree I planted in the back yard and the kitchen corner where I measured our daughter's height. I damn near hacked out that piece of the wall and brought it with me. I left my Halloween coffin in the garage, though. I had a lot of memories in that house, some wonderful, some painful. I guess it's time for that era to come to a close. It's hard to think I'm never going to have a house like that again - that's been a hard pill to swallow. I worked really hard to get that house, and now it's gone. Maybe some day, huh?

I had my three year sobriety-date (or at least the day I started recovery). I thought I should have done something to celebrate, but I think I just worked. I was having a bad day, a dry-drunk day, and the financial pressure had started getting to me, and I took too many anti-anxiety meds at work and fell asleep in the office. Toni had to come and drive me home. It was a little embarrassing but I don't think I did any real damage other that s few of the staff have been teasing me about falling asleep with a half-eaten hot dog in my hand in an office chair. Tuesday ended up mostly a blur, actually. Not much of a celebration there. But all in all, I made it through one more day.

Last night Toni and I had a fight (two actually) and afterwards I realized I've been a dry drunk for a the past few days, if not the past few weeks. I've been irritable and moody, and she's put up with a lot. Anyway, came to the realization of what I was doing after I went for a drive in the Bronco. Oddly enough, I wanted to drive to someplace I was happy, and I wanted to drive to my old house in Justin one more time one more time, but I don't have a spare and I was low on gas and couldn't make it. I ended up just driving around going nowhere, but I felt better afterwards.

I had another realization at work today as well; there was woman at work today that I was starting to feel that old compulsion towards, and I couldn't figure out why. As it turns out, after trying to dissect it mentally, there was something about her that reminded me of somebody I used to have e thing for, and once I put that together it seemed to have faded away and gone. Geez - it never ends, but it does get easier to dismantle, unpack and throw out. I like that I can share this stuff with my wife and she doesn't yell at or reject or speak to me harshly when I confess such things to her. She's cool like that.

I was thinking the past few days that she's the one that's gone to the most trouble to really learn about me. She learned my favorite movie. She goes to drum corp stuff with me. She went canoeing with me. She lets me rent movies I like and just seems to have spent the most time really paying attention to me. It's a nice feeling, to feel like somebody cares about you enough to find you a Wolverines t-shirt from Red Dawn.

My mom left for Memphis this morning for a few days, so we have the house to ourselves again for a bit. It's nice.

You know what else was nice? I opened the theater today; I got in at a few after nine AM. I got to go through all the pre-opening stuff by myself. The theater was quiet and peaceful, and it was really nice to spend some time alone in a quiet place, all alone for about an hour or so. I'm looking forward to opening by myself again- I really enjoy that part of the job. Running over 1000 people through a concession stand in just over an hour is more stressful, or trying to fix a movie that's fallen off the platter halfway through the film and spilled itself all over the floor is less peaceful.

So I've been trying to process what I think about some of my readership. I'm still noodling on that a bit, I guess. I'm wondering what questions, if any, that's gong to lead me to ask myself, and what those answer will be, or should be, or are.

Anyway, that's been my week, really. I'll try to get back on tomorrow. It's a kiddo-free weekend, so I oughta have a bit more spare time. Congratulations again to my folks for 40 years of married bliss, or at least not using live rounds when tempted.

506

Getting the drop on Monday

So I'm going to write tonight (Sunday night) so you guys can read on Monday morning. I hope you guys had a good weekend. Good morning, by the way. I shall start with a few observations.

Lately I've caught myself sitting in front of the TV, knowing nothing good is on, and yet I don't get up. I start feeling myself get frustrated and angry. Upon further introspection, what I'm doing is flipping channels looking for something that I shouldn't watch, generally speaking, especially late at night. My wife has blocked all the channels that have the stuff I wanna see, or we don't subscribe to them at all, yet I'll still flip to them to read the description of the shows. I'll sit and think about what I think that would look like and flip to another channel, still looking for something, even though I know I've been cut off from it. I get a sense of frustration and pent-up angst when I'm denied it, even though the safeguards have been set up at my request. And I'll flip channels for hours, just hoping, but pretending I'm not hoping. If I stumble across something, I'll point it out to Toni, and I can then not watch it, because I feel better just knowing it's on, and knowing that I know where to find it. I don't know what else to say about it other than I just realized it's what I've been doing for a really long time. It's like since I can't actually look at anything that's unacceptable or falls outside my boundaries, that finding it is the next best thing., and I get a sense of relief from it. It's weird, but it is what it is. Lately I've just been turning off the TV and not watching it altogether, unless I have DVD to see. I'm tired of all the reruns anyway.

TV kills my sex drive. If I sit in front of the TV and watch it for longer than a minute or so, I'll lose whatever interest I may have had before I sat down. I figured that out a few nights ago. If I'm active all day or go cycling or shooting or something fun I'm fine, but TV just ruins it. Looking back, it's messed me up for a very long time. I'm starting to hate TV. Blogging is still OK, though. I feel like I'm thinking or processing, at least. It's more mentally stimulating that sitting still and achieving a lower consciousness.

We (Mom, Toni, our daughter and I) went to Turner Falls on Friday - that was fun. I lost my watch on the water slide, but that was the only bad thing that happened to me. It was that cheap one with the stinky band I couldn't get clean, so I'm not too upset. Toni twisted her ankle but she seems to be recovering pretty well. There's some pictures on her blog.

So last week I did something I'm starting to feel bad about for some reason, though I don't know why. Apparently there's a gizmo that you can stick on your blog and track who all reads your blog and where they come from. I pulled it off about 18 hours later, and it didn't tell me anything new or useful. To my way of thinking, it's not fair. I think you're entitled to a bit of anonymity if you want it. It's not going to be back. I think one of the things I like about blogging is you don't really ever know who reads it, and it doesn't seem fair or right to spoil that for anybody, including me. I hope all you guys keep reading.

I'm gonna eat some lemon pie and go to bed, I think. I don't have anything else to say and if I don't call it I'll start yammering about work, and nobody wants that, especially if it's not funny. I had a story about a kid at work, but I can't make it work.

Oh - and happy anniversary to my Mom and Dad. Today is their 40th Anniversary, I think. I might be off year or two, but it's a really long time, and they have an awesome achievement to be very proud of. Congratulations, guys. Here's to hoping I can match it. I hope we all can.

Have a cat. Or, in this case, I mean an otter.


502, for Monday.

For Friday

I don't really have anything to say, but here's some pictures from the 4th of July, mostly for Brando.








Anyway, 500.

And my 3 year (recovery) anniversary is on July 14th. It's been a long, strange trip. I hate that line, but it fits. It's probably not over yet, either.

I hope you all y'all have a good weekend.

Wednesday Night

Well, gosh. I don't know what I'm gonna write about again, but "Lonesome Dove" is on TV. I sure love that book. I just found out there's a fourth one I haven't read yet, so I'm excited about getting that one.

Oscar has a new game where he runs and jumps on the top of the recliner and rides it while it swings back and forth. It's funny to watch. There's a little moth-like bug flying around in here and I'm hoping Timone will come in and eat it.

Tonight we went for a walk after eating El Chico & getting some ice cream afterwards. It's hot and muggy out, like Houston. I think the hottest (and wettest) I ever was was on a Houston trip, while on a ferry. I still liked the ferry, though.

I'm thinking about getting a cowboy hat - I found one made of palm I like, and they're not too expensive. I'd like to get one before I go tubing again, but it's a little low on the list of stuff I need. I got to go tubing once, and it was a lot of fun. I've wanted to go back ever since, and hopefully we can go again in a few weeks. I'd like to wear a cowboy hat, too. I hope the water is high enough. I guess I still remember that trip pretty well. Both of them, in fact. I think I had a hat on both of 'em.

That Jack-in-the-Box commercial with the mini-buffalo-ranch-chicken sandwich dance is both terribly annoying and terribly effective, as I can recite the jingle and do the dance....if I wanted to. Which I don't. But a little dancing never hurt anybody, right? It's good thing to do every once in a while.

Ugh - I have to drop by a bar/club I'm trying to get a bouncer job at tonight and say "howdy". The extra money would be hard to resist, and sure would come in handy. And man - am I glad I have the job at the theater. That gig is keeping us fed during the slow time our little company endures every summer.

We're working on a cake for our daughter's birthday this weekend. Toni's pretty good about it- her ideas are better than mine.

I guess sometimes this is a hard time of the year for me for a variety of reasons. I think in the past few years I've had some pretty rough times during the summer, though on occasion they've been interspersed with some pretty good times as well. I guess this is the first year I haven't had a pretty wrenching summer in one way or another. I suppose I'm still getting used to it. I've had a pretty rough summer for five years in a row, and it feels kind of weird not to be going through all of that turmoil. Oddly enough, I still feel it, now and again. I can still feel some of that anxiety and remember some of the bad times, even though I'm not going through any if it anymore. I guess it's weird what emotions can arise, what they're tied to and how they're tied to it. I guess it's something I might can ask God when I meet him.

Aside from that stuff I'm doing OK. We're going to Turner Falls on Friday; me and Toni and our daughter and my mom. The last time I went I got to climb on some rocks behind the falls. I don't know if that's a part of the park you're supposed to be climbing at, but it's funny how sometimes they stuff you do against your own better judgement can be some of the memories you carry with you, and are the ones you're glad you have. I probably won't be doing that this time, but I'm glad I did it then.

Anyway, that's all I have for tonight. I'm glad you guys and gals still read.

Here's the cat.


Still 499, I guess.

I missed yesterday, and technically today

But I'll have one for Wednesday, by gawd.

I have really lagged behind lately, I know. I'm almost used to the keyboard, though, so I'm running out of excuses. And, admittedly, I don't know what to say, but I'd better come up with something because I just basically kicked my wife out of the room so I could blog. I can't talk and blog at the same time. In retribution, and in a show of solidarity with my wife, the cat is vomiting on the floor. This is, of course, after he took a nap on my black suit jacket, which I guess I'll just have cleaned now. It smells like popcorn and frustration.

Gosh- it's three AM. I think I'd like it of the days were about 36 hours long, then I wouldn't feel so behind. Maybe when we die and get to heaven the days will be longer. I think if I didn't have anything else to do I'd just play my trumpet all day.

I still have control problems, especially when it comes to our little company. I'm torn between wanting to run it myself and trusting Toni to run it right, which she's always done. I sometimes forget how much pressure she's under. I can't imagine how stressful that must be for her some days, especially with me and the rest of my foamy around. And she's trying to be a wife and mom on top of all that, too.

Did you ever make joke you thought was funny only to have it turn out to be the worst possible, most inappropriate, wildly distasteful comment you ever made? I totally did that tonight. Ugh - it was awful. I can't apologize enough.

I've been praying a lot more these days; praying the serenity prayer and to be relieved of some of the emotions and feelings I've been experiencing as of late, and again, putting it all on the table for God to deal with. It's odd, and yet not so, that when you're totally 100% honest with Him He tends to work with that more than when you try to tel God what you think He wants to hear. I hate to admit, some of what I pray I won't even put here, but sometimes it's that very junk that you need to get off your chest and dump on Him that He takes away. It's still a process, I guess.

Last week Brandon asked me if I've been reading the Bible regularly. I haven't been, like at all. I wish I had a better answer, but there it is. I rarely, if ever, read it. I onow I should - I really do. And no matter what anybody else says, no matter what reason you give, no matter how cohesive and compelling your argument, I'm just not going to read it until I feel like I need to or I want to. It's not a shot at God or anything, nor do I think it's my "I already know what it says" pride talking (anymore) - for some reason I struggle with reading it. It's never become a habit, and if I don't have the hunger to read it I just won't. I don't know what that says about me, other than in one regard I'm very plainly not listening to God in at least two ways.

I never "got" the folks that read the Bible every day. I know my Mom and Dad do. I know my brother does. I know most of my friends do, but I don't. I never have. I never picked it up as a habit, though I know I should, and I know I need to if I expect any spiritual growth at all. I equate it with eating green vegetables, which I find unpleasant, but ought to do to stave off whatever cancer I'm likely going to die of a little longer. And how sad is that that I've just resigned myself to that fate? Cancer or a heart attack. I don't know why those don't bother me very much, though they don't keep me up at night either.

I know the Bible is suppose to eventually evolve into something that fills a deep, spiritual need; something that you grow to enjoy and eventually need to sustain yourself. I know all of this - but why is it just not important enough to me to read every day, or ever?

I'm sure I'll have lots of responses, but let's face it - I'm just going to ignore them. It's nothing personal, I promise. You can't tell somebody something they already know. I even suspect it's inhibiting my spiritual growth as well; what does it mean that that's not enough of a reason for me to do it? It's probably something terrible. Maybe I'm just burned out and have quit tying to squeeze anything more out of life than an existence. All I can hear is my Mom's voice in my head telling me "All you can do in life is survive." I guess most days I think that there's very little joy to be had in life, huh? That life is a daily grind until the sweet release of death, because God cursed Adam in the garden and now humanity is just fucked. Is that it - really?

That feeling is the closest to where I'm at right now, though. Survival and little else. I know God gives me life, and I ought to be more thankful, and I am thankful - I really am. I every good thing is a gift from Him, but sometimes I feel like I just don't care anymore. But hey - at least I'm not pining for my ex tonight, nor have I for the past few days. That's an improvement, right?

My house is supposed to close - for real; again - on the 16th or 17th. I don't care of it does or if they foreclose on it. I'm past the point of caring anymore. There's a lot of stuff I feel like that about, like being in debt. Tonight, I don't see a way out - just a lifetime of laboring to get out from under a pile I'll never escape; and wet blanket I'll carry until I die, and hope the life insurance money will cover whatever I leave behind. How sad is that? And I can hear the tapes in my head of folks I cared deeply about saying that very thing - "how sad is that/how sad are you?"

And it's not that I have anything against it, either. I like the Bible. I just never read it unless I have a question or I need to know something. To me I guess it's kind of like a reference book to go to when you need something. That's probably bad, I know. You guys don't have to tell me so.

Anyway, that's where I am tonight. Have a cat. He doesn't read the Bible either, but it's because cats are illiterate. If they coud read, they'd probably read the Bible more than I do. Cats are smart like that.

I hope I didn't say anything disrespectful. Here's that cat.



499 (Wednesday)

I love trouble

After a long day at work and a night of running around, I was waiting for some WD-40 to help work a frozen screw loose from the washing machine and I fell asleep in the recliner. I just woke up a little while ago. I'm gonna get off the internet before I start looking for trouble, because I can feel that little rationalizing starting to form, and there's no way I can win except to flee. Almost three years in recovery, and every once in a while it still crops up - that desire to look for trouble. Or porn. Or something I can use as porn. 'Cause you know I still know where to go to find it.

I'm bailing while it's still 494










Good gawd - what a downer post. And you know who I think is going to be the most disappointed in this? My wife. Man - have I done a shitty job of making her feel valued to me lately. Do I ever write about how wonderful she really is? Not enough. Do I every shout from my little monitor screen what a great wife she is? Not enough. Do I lavish praise on her publicly? Not enough. So she gets to read this and know all the implications included therein and feel like crap, and I feel like it's my fault. And to....well, nothing. It is. It just is. And as much as I'd like to go through the dramatics of wailing and caterwauling and gnashing my teeth in the self-flagellation of what a poor husband I am, I'm just going to suck it up and just try to do better.

I'm having a hard enough time making my emotions fall in line all the time; I mean, aren't we told that if you do the right thing, you'll eventually feel the right thing? And don't get me wrong - I feel the right things for my wife, but I have a lot of other feelings that stunt me in some way, and I feel like those are heading off ....well, something. Am I just expecting too much, for all my feelings and emotions and predilections to just vanish if I'm doing everything right? I'm pretty sure I learned that in church, but so far it hasn't worked out 100% like I was hoping it would. Am I not believing it enough? Is my faith not strong enough? Am I just still pissed at church, or am I just looking to assign blame for the way I am (or choose to be) or am I just trying to find an explanation for why I'm going though some of this. I suppose, in all honesty, it depends on the day.

Or maybe I'm just so worried about the scar I've neglected to notice how much it's healed, or maybe I'm just used to worrying. I'm very good at worrying, when I'm not careful. And it's all over shit I can't control, too. So I don't know if I'm hurt, worried, or just tired. In recovery, you're not supposed to let yourself get too tired, because then you start making shitty decisions. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe it's all getting better and I'm just having a rough night, or maybe I'm having an OK night and I'm messing it up by wondering if I'm having good night or not.

And did I even answer Cindy's question?

How you folks can stand to read this some day mystifies me. I can't understand all of it, and I wrote this crap.

Do you guys think that most spend a lot of their lives confused or left in a state of perpetual pondering about stuff sometimes? I mean, is this just how we are and how it is until we die? I guess I'm just wondering. Or worrying. Either way, I'm knocking off, 'cause I know I still might screw u and blow 494 days if I stick around too long. Tomorrow I'm going to enjoy fireworks with my wife and try like all hell not to think so damn much. Therein usually lies my downfall.

494. Still.

Real Fast-Like

Today I picked finally got to go to the chiropractor and my lower back is OK but my upper back is one big knot and then we picked up the Bronco and I spent several hours cleaning it and it looks a lot better and I helped Toni clean up the house tonight and do a teensy bit of work and I'm doing pretty good otherwise other than it's almost 5 AM and I have to be at work at 11 and I'm tired and I also made some really tender and juicy steaks tonight and Uncle J came over and ate with us and it was really good and my therapist hasn't called me back yet and last night I had a pretty good buzz on after Kent and Cindy left and I tried for a blog but it wasn't funny at all so I deleted it and today was a pretty good day and I didn't really have any trouble with anything recovery-wise or any ex stuff going on and it was really hot today. Have a cat.



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