God works in mysterious ways, I guess. I think Christians like to say that.

Personally, I don't think I'm too happy with just dropping a cliche like that and feeling like I said something profound or holy. To me, it's much deeper and wider than that. It's not like He's some screenwriter and He's sitting at a typewriter typing out a script on the fly and we're just going through the scenes as they're written and He's the only one who knows how it's going to end, and we just have to trust Him and accept that.

My dad used to say that my Mom's hideous (yet simultaneously adorable - and sweet) dog Frankie didn't understand how the food got in her bowl, she just knew it did and she was OK with that. I think Dad was on to something there, incorporating the inter species and the intellectual gaps between dogs and humans, with the obvious implication that if we're that much smarter and advanced than dogs, how much smarter and more advanced is God then we are?

Personally, I don't understand God the way Oscar (my cat) doesn't understand the functionality of quantum mechanics in phase space - Oscar just wants you to pet him, and sometimes turn on the bathtub so he can play in the water. The analogy starts to break down a little because I've never had the desire to leap suddenly from the darkness at God's midsection while he's walking to the laundry room in His underwear in the middle of the night, but you get the idea.

I've heard several analogies about how we don't get God. Until today, my favorite was the filmstrip analogy - the one where all we can see is today's little individual picture and God can see the entire filmstrip from beginning to end. I was OK with that one, and I still am.

And don't get me wrong, either - I know I can trust God, even though I don't understand Him or what He's doing, and I do. I really do. Sometimes it's because I have no other choice, but I do.

But today, I'm realized that the difference between how God operates and how I operate are utterly and abjectly incomprehensible to me on a much more profound scale than I had originally thought. And again, I'm thankful, because I know what a charlie-foxtrot operation I'll run if left to my own devices.

So, to recap - I don't get God. At all. I just know He loves me and takes care of me, but sometimes not in the ways I'd have done it myself.

On Monday, Clara and I parted ways, still on good terms. No hard feelings, and it was the right decision, but it was still very, very sad. Even though it was only a few months, we generated a lot of wonderful memories together, and I know I learned some very, very meaningful things from her, and about myself. I consider it an honor, a privilege, and a blessing from God that I got to know her.

Yesterday, the bills started piling up again, and I got another lien slapped on the house by the HOA's attorneys, more than doubling the amount of late dues owed. I have to call the IRS today and get out of dutch with them somehow, and figure out how I'm going to tithe, manage my mortgage repayment plan, my (late) car payment, my (late) child support, my (late) taxes, my (late) labor and - oh yeah - try to pay off some debt and eat at the same time.

And yesterday, seemingly out of nowhere, I remembered a website that I went to when I first really started looking at internet pornography back in 1998 or so. And truthfully, I part of me really wanted to go see how those Swedish teens were doing. But, because of all of the healing that God has brought my way, I didn't, and that's good.

This morning (a little after 8 AM), my electricity got shut off. Evidently, Coserv is now killing it before you get the "interruption of service" letter, as this is twice they've done this. I don't even think I'm 30 days late, even.

Then, this morning (a little after 10 AM), I got paid enough to get the power back on and keep going for a few more days.

God takes care of me, but I just don't get it. I guess I don't have to.

I just want a scratch on my head and a little tub water sometimes.

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