OK - I missed a day

So today I'm sitting at my folks house and blogging from their computer. Odds are I'll have to get used to this.

The Car Crisis of 2008 has been averted, thanks to generous parents who don't take no for an answer when it comes to offering help when they can give it. I want to talk about how hard it is on my pride, but that'd just be my pride talking yet again. What's more real is that I needed help to keep from sinking into a serious financial quagmire and they gave it to me. It was medicine I needed. It's still hard for me to ask for help - almost as hard as it is for me to enjoy my own birthday for some reason. what I need to do is practice asking for help. I know that I'd give anything I could to any of my friends or family that needed it - so why is it different when I'm in trouble and they offer it to me? That's how they usually win the argument, truthfully.

Anyway, they offered their financial medicine, and I accepted it. I don't like feeling like I can't do it on my own, but trying to dig and hold on and stick it out until I accomplish what *I* want to accomplish has blown up on me more times than I can count, so perhaps it's high time I start learning to accept some help when I need it, and do so gracefully and with thanks, though gratitude, I assure you, is never a problem. It's always a humbling experience. Perhaps God is working to rid me of my pride a little more and teach me to ask for help when I need it. Generally I only tend to ask for water when I'm on fire already and haven't been able to put it out myself. You Pathways people can appreciate this one the most, I think.

Tonight I'm putting in a full 8-hour shift at the bar. I'd fuss more, but I really need the money, as all of you well know. Odds are it'll be crazy-busy, and the paycheck will be kind of nice. I enjoy the busy nights more than the slow ones. Our last meal of 2008 will be at Freebird's World Burrito, a fantastic end to a particularly stressful year.

Oooo- perhaps afterwards I can use some stuff Toni picked up at Bath & Body Works - it's glorious stuff called Mentha Foot Tingling Foot Cream. It's non-greasy and makes your feet feel cool and tingly, which will be wonderful after eight hours of walking on a hard concrete floor. It's everything you always wanted in a foot cream and more! (Make all endorsement checks payable to me, please.)

My folks leave to go back to Haiti in a few days. They're packing and getting all ready to leave. I'd feel more sad if I didn't know how much they love it there, and how happy they'll be once they get there. Mom goes back and forth, and Dad is just trying to get everything done. I'll miss them,to be sure. I'm looking forward to getting on my feet enough to start sending them fun stuff once in thin a while to make their stay at that Caribbean hellhole a little more enjoyable. Thank God Dad has a whole island full of stuff to fix with not nearly enough proper resources, which puts him in his prime. Apparently, in Haiti, if isn't already broken, it's about to break.

Mom's biggest concern is Bunnycat, their adorable-yet-bitchy Manx, who burns with hatred for Oscar, Timone and Pumba. So far though, she tolerating them pretty well, despite some light screaming, occasionally in the middle of the night.

I think we're all getting together for one "last meal" before they go tomorrow, which does sound sad and final, like they're going to be executed or something. Code Name Diamond won't see 'em for a while, but she'll be OK. She's a trooper, and she's used to them being gone for a while sometimes. If anybody gets too anxious we'll fire up the webcam ;-)

Evidently there's a button someplace on this keyboard that keeps bumping my writing up one sentence and is making me cut & paste my writing back together again. I can't figure which button it is on this machine, but it's really annoying.

I guess that's it for today.

319

Notes from the Journey to the Center of the Earth

Because once you've hit rock bottom, you might as well start digging.



Well, here's where I stand today. I'm a little tired from moving and working, so bear with me.

We got all moved out of the apartment, patched all the nail holes, scrubbed, dusted, cleaned, vacuumed and sanitized. We've been moving and cleaning since the 25th, but all we have is one more van load to clear out and we're all done moving. We got popped for about $2400, which I hate to see but can do nothing about, other than pay it. I repented getting a third floor apartment this weekend, too. I think everybody did.

We're moved into my folks house, which is to say that we've unpacked approximately 10% of our stuff. So far we're just getting by on our personal sundries and whatnot, but it's all we need. I think we'll wait until they depart before we fully invade. The cats are loving it, though.

The car repo situation is not looking too good. If I don't get $1000 in the next 18 hrs I'll lose the car for good, and I'll be saddled with (at least) another $12K of negative equity, which I can't afford. I might get paid around $300 - $600 by tomorrow, but I won't know until about 10 AM or so - three hours before the deadline. We'll see what happens.

I got an added (an unexpected) stressor over Christmas that I can't go into here, but suffice it to say sometimes the fact that something still bothers you can often be worse than the thing itself, especially when there's no logical reason you can apply other than it hits you in a deep way that can only be identified by a professional. Certainly, I'm out of answers on that one. I suppose it's sort of like a recovering drug addict getting a call from his old dealer in a weird sort of way, but that's all I can say about that.

I have five nights of bouncing ahead of me. The commute after the move is pretty crummy now, but the steady checks - small as they are - sure are nice.

The office phone is shut off - again. Not only is that terrible for business, it's terribly embarrassing professionally.

Code Name Diamond is becoming an exemplary little chess player. I played her full-on, no holds barred, and she ruined three solid attack plans, took almost all my pawns, my kings knight, my kings bishop and both my rooks before I finally got her. Either I'm not that good or she is that good. Either way, I'm really proud of her.

I had a great Christmas with my family. I got some wonderful gifts from my family, and our kiddo had a good one, too.

My wife and I are looking for new jobs - we'll see what happens, I guess, which brings me to where I wanted to go today.

On Sunday our pastor taught on Gideon. The short version is this - God used a man with little (in his own eyes) to offer, with not a whole lot of faith, in a bad situation, who kept getting bad news (then worse news) time after time - until God worked His will and accomplished the impossible - 300 untrained men routing out 135,000 soldiers using only horns, lanterns sticks, and clay pots. He even used Gideon's imperfections (and lack of of faith).

The main point of the message was this:

The Impossible becomes the Unstoppable when God is behind it.

That gave me hope, which was something I needed, and still need.

Here's the thing, man. I don't know what God is doing. So far this year I've lost my house, my apartment, my car, and a lot of sleep. I'm still drowning in debt and I just can't foresee a way out of it anytime soon. Bankruptcy is looking more and more likely, and I just don't see what God is doing behind the scenes with me, but I guess I don't have to. I know He's there, and I know He's working, and what I think seems to be bad news is still a part of His plan, and not necessarily mine.

It does seem that God needed us to help my folks out by living in their home while they do His work in Haiti more than He needed us to have a place to live of our own. He may need us to not have a second car and for me to be in further debt or declare bankruptcy for some reason only He knows of. Me personally - I have no idea, but I'm willing to do whatever I can and to work as hard as I can to help myself and my family out in the meantime. Sitting around and not doing something isn't an option.

Anyway, that's where I am today. I oughta be back blogging on a daily basis now. See you guys tomorrow.

317

Well, this has been a poor week so far. Today, we got evicted, unless I can come up with $800 in the next 57 minutes. As you can imagine, it's not going to happen. We have to be out by Friday.

It could be worse, though, ya know? We have someplace to go, we're just going to get there a little faster than we thought we would. I know a family at church whose house burned to the ground on Saturday.

We're down to one car still, but it looks like we still might a chance at having the money to get it back, if I choose not to pay rent. What a crappy choice, huh?

If I pay the rent and keep from getting evicted, I lose the car, add a repossession on my credit score and gain another $12K in debt, which will all but require me to declare bankruptcy.

Or I can get evicted, and have THAT on our credit history. Talk about screwed either way, huh?

But it could be worse, though. I know of a family at church that lost their mother on Saturday. My mom is doing pretty well, so that's good.

It doesn't help that all of this is happening on Christmas, which, in recent years, has managed to be a sore spot for me, ever since my ex-wife left the day after Christmas on 2003. Christmas has always been a rough time for me every year after that for one reason or another. I think we'll be packing the day after Christmas this year, which sucks slightly less. Most days I think if I didn't have a kid I wouldn't even celebrate Christmas, or my birthday, either.

It could be worse, though. My wife isn't going to leave me no matter what, and I know this with all my heart. She's a wonderful woman, and more of a trooper than I could have ever asked for.

I wanted to get my daughter something wonderful for Christmas, but I didn't really have the money for it. I mean, she's getting some cool stuff - don't get me wrong, but nothing I feel like I could sit back and say "WOW - look what a great Christmas I gave her." And I know that's a shallow way to look at it, but I wish things weren't so tight, if only for her.

Of course - it could be a lot worse. There are kids all over that are going to wake up on Christmas morning and not have a single gift.

Or food.
Or shelter.
Or a family.

Despite getting getting my car repossessed, being evicted, and being painfully short on cash, it could be a lot worse, and I'm thankful to God and to my family for being around, and loving me as much as I love them. God's taking care of me, and still I will praise Him, in all things. God is with us, always.

311

A lot happened this weekend.....

This pic is just for Tim - you'll read why in a minute.

So on Friday I called about the car getting repo'd. The good news is that I think I can get it back before they auction it off, I lose it for good, get another 12K in debt and have a repossession on my credit for the next 7 years. I ought to be OK on that, even though I found out this morning it's roughly twice what I had expected. Yikes!

Friday night at CR was pretty good. It looks like I'll be getting to start working with the teen group in January, so we'll see how that goes. I got to meet a few of them on Friday, and they really seem like a great bunch of people. I'm thankful to have another way to serve and further my own recovery, as well as help others in theirs.

My time at the bar on Friday was quite uneventful - until the drive home. About halfway back, Toni and I happened upon an accident where an SUV struck a refrigerator. I don't know why there was a refrigerator in the middle of I-35W, either. The SUV had flipped, and the three occupants had dragged themselves out to the median of the six-lane divided highway, which had an awful lot of traffic in it for being roughly 3:00 AM. It turns out the one sober guy was driving his two drunk buddies home (kudos to him for that) and only one of the passengers was seriously hurt. Toni and I beat EMS by about five minutes, where we stabilized the patient until the ambulance got there, and she stayed lead medic on the call until they loaded him up. It was pretty cool watching her in work mode and seeing her professional side come out under stress - she was totally in charge and had complete control of the scene. The other firefighters and EMT's that arrives later stayed out of her way and thanked her when it was all over. The cops thanked us as well, which was also pretty cool. I hope the guy made it. He was pretty banged up, but I think being drunk helped him out.

Saturday, we had dinner with my folks at their place to celebrate everything that's been going on. Dad (who was, up until Saturday, a Public Safety Officer at a local mall) was telling a story that he had heard about a guy that was out walking his dog and was accosted by three robbers, and how the guy had shot one of them in self-defense. It was at this point that my dad uttered this sentence: "Of course, I was only talking to the paramedic because they vectored into the wrong entrance when the fire department responded to Santa Claus having chest pains." Of course, we made him go back and tell us that one instead.

Saturday night was a terrible night at the bar. Two women claimed that I threw out their drinks before I was through with them, which is a pretty well-known scam. While I was pouting over losing $4.50, a fight happened at the other end of the bar. Actually, two fights. I missed the first one, and in the second one the guy I grabbed (and got in the chokehold) was an off-duty cop (who was trying to help) that comes into the bar all the time that I'm buddies with. I didn't recognize him from the back of his head, and when I pulled him out of the pile he wasn't too happy. I felt bad about it, but he took it all in stride and we laughed about it later. The second fight was made all the worse by two idiots claiming to be Parker County Sheriff Deputies, who jumped into the fray without identifying themselves first and attacked a bouncer, putting our bouncer in a choke hold while punching him in the face. Unfortunately for this particular idiots, Tim is a better-trained in close-quarter combat (and a profoundly better fighter) and managed to break out of the chokehold, leg-sweep the moron and break his nose on the way to the floor. Speaking as a bouncer and as a former cop, that idiot had it coming, and had no business being involved in the first place, and certainly had no business interfering with the duties of one of our security officers engaging in the duties of his position and wearing a very clearly marked "STAFF" shirt. Personally, I'm glad that schmoe got his nose broken. After the second fight I was still grumpy at having lost my money, missing the first fight and grabbing the wrong guy in the second fight, and this lady wandered up to Tim and I and started shooting her mouth off, and would not shut up. Apparently, she knew somebody in one the fights, was still bent about something (I never figured out what) and was determined to make everybody in the bar see it her way. After she refused to calm down, I just kicked her out. It wasn't worth having her in the bar, and if she had stayed she would have likely caused Fight #3. She did not go quietly.

Church was great on Sunday, man - absolutely great. I LOVE seeing our church putting the Gospel into practice. Sunday afternoon we went Christmas shopping and got it all done before coming home and making a fire.

I've been able to juggle some budgeting stuff around today and Toni managed to get some good-sized paychecks expedited.

Tonight we're going to relax and be thankful for everything we have. Also, we'll eat popcorn.

See you guys tomorrow.

310

Well, here's how I see it.

My car got repossessed last night, which sucks, but was pretty much unavoidable at this point. I really liked that car, too. After the initial call, I have a few days to come up with a grand or so, which I can't do without taking it out of what I owe one of my contractors.

The short version is this: do I pay one contractor $1K now and eat $13K myself, or do I wait and pay the contractor $1K later and save myself $13K?

Odds are I can pay them in full in January. And oh, yes - the contractor will be pissed.

Morally, one could make the argument that morally I ought to pay what I owe people that have worked for me, and that's absolutely correct. I am continuing to pay them off, one by one, with no intention of stopping until they are all paid in full. However, do I not have a moral obligation to my wife and daughter to make financially responsible decisions as well? Does not going $13K further into debt fit into that category?

Who do I have a greater moral obligation to - my employees or my wife and child?

Should the contractor's quality of life (which in may respects is better than mine) be a factor? What I mean is I know they won't be forced out of where they live, get their car repo'd or starve as a result of having to wait a few more weeks. Sure - it'll piss them off to no end, but they're already pissed anyway.

Or, hell - I can just declare bankruptcy and be nearly free of all my debt, which I don't want to do. If I racked it up, I need to pay it off.

Regardless, the way I see it is this.

I'm falling into a giant hole that I dug myself. As I see it, I'm not going to stop falling until I hit the absolute bottom, and I don't know where that is, except I don't think it can be a whole lot further. The good news is when I hit bottom, I won't have any place to go but up.

Today I'm thinking that I might as well wait and see how much money I have when the date comes due and let that be the deciding factor, huh? Or do I decide beforehand and somehow MAKE the money happen? And I can do one or the other, but not both - unless God sends me a miracle or some kind, which I know he can do but that I don't really expect. And don't take that as a lack of faith - it's just reality. God generally doesn't bail out everybody, ya know? And he's bailed me out more than my fair share, and I figure it's my time to take a hit one way or the other. I figure I'm due.

Anyway, that's where I am today.

PS - I feel guilty when I buy food. Groceries. Noodles. Ground Beef. Sonic. Ramen. Anything. I feel like I should be giving that money to the people I owe. What's the deal with that? I know I need to eat, ya know?

306

Ugh.

I am disappointed in today's blog. It feels like I just phoned it in. Truth be told, I'm insanely grateful for my second job as a bouncer, even if it has it's share of unpleasantness. So far it's given me money to buy food with, and those quarters I pick up off the floor at the end of the night really add up. I do appreciate them for giving me a chance, and I work really hard when I'm there. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have a few hours to block out the rest of my troubles for a while and just think about menial things, like picking up empties and sweeping the floor. In a way it's sort of like a hobby, and I do really enjoy a good tussle now and then. Anyway, I thought I could get a funny blog out of it, but I'm disappointed in the way it turned out.

Hmph.

Carry on.

A few words from the service industry

As a bouncer, I'd like to say a few things here that I'm generally not permitted to say or I just don't have time to get into with folks at work. In no particular order.....

I throw away several hundred bottles of beer a every night. Odds are if I see your bottle and it looks empty, feels empty or feels warm I'm going to pitch it. If you're going to get mad that I pitched your Bud Lite - that's been sitting so the edge of the table for so long that the shallow layer of foam resting at the bottom of the bottle is warm - then maybe you should drink it a little faster. It's cheap beer, not a $50 glass of fine brandy in a snifter. Please finish your drink in a timely manner. I'm not saying you have to gulp it down at once - by all means, enjoy your beer. But please, please don't bitch at me because you won't drink 12 oz of booze in an hour.

I deal with bar glasses, too. See - the bartenders need those back when you're done drinking out of them. Other customers - which mean people other than you - would like to drink something as well, so when whatever you ordered has either turned into a glass devoid of any beverage whatsoever, has become an empty glass containing only ice, or has sat so long that all the ice has melted, I'm going to assume that you're done with it and I'm going to take it away. Be mentally prepared for this occurrence, and your time spent at our establishment will be much more pleasurable.

When you think you want one more drink, stop.

Old people can be mean, too.

After you vomit on the floor, it's a lousy time to try to convince me that you're really OK and that you deserve to stay. And even if your friend actually tells me "I can guarantee you that he's not going to get sick anymore. I promise." you still have to leave. The fact that this is really beyond his control is not lost on me. And people don't like vomit, man. It's nasty.

Our waitresses don't like being grabbed, fondled, or groped. We, however, take special pleasure in forcibly removing such offenders. We generally like to do this in groups, too.

If you can't keep your head off the table, it's time for you to leave.
If you can't keep your clothes on, it's time for you to leave.
If you can't keep your body vertical, it's time for you to leave.

When a bouncer asks you to leave, we don't care why you think you should stay. Trying to argue your point is merely irritating, and we aren't interested in debating you. Then point of discussion has passed. There is no explanation, revelation, or dissertation will change our minds. When you have to leave, you have to leave.

If you scream excitedly and climb onto the speaker platform to dance to "Crazy Bitch" it makes me think you have issues with your father.

The girls dancing with girls for attention has gotten old.

Bouncers don't have to be geniuses, but we are all familiar with the following formulas:

Inability to Shut One's Mouth is directly proportionate to the amount of alcohol one has consumed.

Fighting Ability is inversely proportionate to the amount of alcohol one has consumed.

Inability to Shut One's Mouth + Diminished Fighting Ability = Lose

When the bar closes, the music stops and all the lights come on, you have to leave. Even you. We are closed. Go home. Go to IHOP. Just go.

Bouncers are only nice until we close - then we can be as mean as we want.

No - I don't know anybody in the band.
No - I don't care if you're with the band.
No - I don't know who you are. So far, you're just a jerk.

If you tell me "I'm going to have your job" please mean it. It's just plain cruel to taunt me with that otherwise.

Pretty girls are only nice until they stop getting their way.

Flirting only works on single guys, honey. I'm not interested.

If you drop a quarter on the floor leave it. I'll pick it up after you leave. I need it.

I'm am not going to drive you home. I am not a taxi. Plus you might vomit in my car, and that would be unacceptable.

If you absolutely have to fight after we close, please walk ten feet steps south and fight in the parking lot. We don't care what you do in the parking lot.

If you have to fight after we close, please don't fight in front of the hot dog guy's stand. He's a nice guy and last time you guys broke his table. We have since become quite protective of the hot dog guy and are much more likely to thump on you.

We have ashtrays for a reason.

We have trash cans for a reason.

We have toilets for a reason.

We have a door for a reason.

Hey - thanks for coming. Come back and see us!

305

I guess I'll talk about the "serious" one first....

I have an opportunity to teach some high-school age kids at Celebrate Recovery. I have a few concerns, but the main one is that I'll botch it in some way.

I've led Bible studies before. I've taught Bible studies before, and I always thought I was pretty terrible at it. Now, in retrospect, I was an addict at the time and had no heart connection with God, only an intellectual one. I don't think I had the first clue what a real relationship with God was, just a pretty fair grasp on what "Good Bible Teaching" is supposed to sound like. Of course, if you have no real relationship with God, there's a really good chance that anything you say about God may sound hollow and fake. In the past few years I've learned that folks tend to respond better to heart than head.

Mostly all I think I'm capable of is relaying all of the things that God has done for me in my recovery, and what my experiences with God have been. I can do that with heart - no problem there.

But can I follow a curriculum and still show heart? I guess that's what I'm worried about. I'm concerned that I'll be so focused on teaching the material that I'll miss out on being able to convey my heart to them - does that make sense?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that God can use the worst, most broken vessel to do glorious things. This is a comfort to be because I know I'm still pretty broken a lot of times, but I'm not nearly as a mess as I used to be.

I also have to admit that I hate feeling like my life isn't all together yet, either. I'd SO much rather have a great testimony that ends with "...and I was happy, healthy and successful all the days of my life, forever and ever, Amen." I like being able to tie a nice, neat bow around the whole thing and having a really cool testimony to share about how God made everything roses and sunshine forever after that.

Uh-huh. 'Cause that's how life works.

But life doesn't work that way, obviously. I mean, I lost my house, I'm losing my apartment, I'm still broke and I'm moving into my parent's house to avoid being evicted. I wish I could say that recovery from addiction and financial success go hand in hand, but that's my own hangup and not God's, so I guess I'll have to deal with that.

I think that's more of me demanding "what have you done for me lately" kind of thing. I tend to forget how far God has carried me, and I get impatient when things aren't going the way I want them to, and I fall back into that rut of "I'm doing everything right, so why is all of this bad stuff still happening?". Man - you'd think I'd learn by now, huh?

And I have to admit I want them to like me, too. I really like being liked. I mean, who doesn't? I want to have real relationships with them, but I'm worried about falling back into my own foolish ways, trying to impress them with how cool I am and all that crap, when in reality kids can see right through my bullshit, and I know it. I so easily tend to forget that generally people don't love you for your successes, they love you for your flaws. I guess all I can do is go in, tell 'em what God has done for me, what I say I've been through, and let God do the rest.

Anyway, I guess that's where I am today. I think I'll go ahead and tell the guy I need to that I'll do it.

Thoughts?

304

I'm back! Get comfortable - I'm chatty :-)

Odds are I'm happier than the rest of you folks about being back in the swing of blogging, but I sure am glad to feel like I have a few minutes to write again. I know it doesn't make sense to everybody, but if I don't write I feel like my day is a little off; like I can't fully process my thoughts through or really keep everything in perspective. I hate being that swamped with stuff that really can't wait, but I guess every once in a while life just hands that kind of load to you and you have to just keep struggling through until you make it out on the other side, even if it keeps you from blogging.

Well, first off, Toni and I are moving to Flower Mound. My parents are leaving for Haiti in January, and their casa will be empty. Out of necessity, we're moving into their pad while they're gone, where we can get back on our financial feet again. As much of a blow to my ego as it is, I'm truly thankful for this opportunity. The truth is, we're in terrible financial straits, and this is a blessing beyond compare, especially when you consider that I have no clue where the rent for January was going to come from. It'll be just under $2100 to break the lease, but it's still (slightly) cheaper than being evicted, which seemed to be in the cards at the moment and would further bury my credit.

Good news on the house front - it looks like the house will close on Jan 15th. I'll be free and clear of it, and I'll have dodged the foreclosure bullet by going through the short-sale process, and I shouldn't have to bring out any more cash to the table. My credit will only be ruined for about two years instead of up to ten with a foreclosure or a bankruptcy. Now all I have to do is get back on schedule with my company's payroll, the Texas State Attorney Generals office, the IRS, our two car loans, student loans, and the rest of the unsecured personal debt (and few other little things) and I can start looking to buy some land and build another house.

Toni and I have been working for nearly 90 hours a week for the past four weeks in an effort to get caught up, plus my other job. I have four stages in our company's production, and we've finally gotten through stage #1. Hopefully we can manage to keep it going without putting that kind of intense labor in. It's tough on people to work that much, ya know? I especially hate having to ask my wife for help, but she's a real trooper and pitches in without complaining. I don't know what I'm gonna do when she get hired on, man. I like working next to her. We've been working at home, mostly - watching late-night TV and DVD's from Netflix. Our schedule has looked like this:

9:00 AM - wake up & eat cereal
10:00 AM - check PO Box for checks, do office work & pack orders
6:00 PM - go home, eat & pick up house
7:00 PM - go to DFW Airport & ship any orders
8:00 PM - 4:00 AM - make tests on front of TV
4:30 AM - go to sleep

(except on Thursday, Friday & Saturday, when I would work at the bar from 9 PM until 2 AM)

Every once in awhile we'd get to have a few hours off, though, and we'd get to do something fun. My buddy Eric took me shooting, and Toni & Brian came along as well. We all had a lot of fun. The range was PACKED, so we had to wait about an hour for two lanes to open. Eric is a freakishly good shot. He might be as good as my Dad, and I don't drop that lightly. Toni also got some more experience with a revolver and proved she can handle a .45 ACP as well as any guy I've seen, despite her protests to the contrary. For you fellow gun enthusiasts, we shot a Glock 21, a Kimber Pro Carry, a Charles Daly compact, an HK USP SOCOM; all in .45 ACP. We also ran a S&W Model 10 (.38 Special) and Eric also brought a little Walther .22, which was a fun little pistol. Then, later that night, we went to Babe's, where Brian found the biggest chicken leg ever.



But after that, the regular-sized chicken legs made him sad.



Code Name Diamond was in fine form.



And when I got home I got to clean my guns and drink some Woodchuck Draft Cider, which Toni got me for my birthday, because she's awesome. (I started in on the Woodchuck after I was done - I learned not to drink and clean guns - even paintball guns - a long time ago.



And Oscar found a good use the my range bag, too.



THEN......

A few days later, Toni and I went to the Grapevine Main Street Christmas Lighting, or whatever it's called. We had a great dinner at Napoli's, which is an Italian restaurant on Main Street.



We took a few more pictures....







And when we got home we discovered this one:



That one was kind of entertaining, I thought.

What else? I guess I've yapped enough for today. More tomorrow, some about funny stuff that happens at the bar, and a bit on our cats, and some about some recovery stuff I'm praying about that I could use some advice on.

Ahhhhh....I feel better already.


Day 303

On Monday.....

....I'll be back in the saddle again.

On Monday.

Still Sober ;-)

Monday

Here's the really short version...

Still busy working two jobs.
Still broke.
Still sober.
Still behind blogging :-(

I guess the biggest news is that we're moving again Feb 1st (into my folks house, once they move back to Haiti.) It's out of necessity, and will be a good move financially, long-term. Right now, though, I have really mixed feelings about it.

Plus the apartment is gouging us for $2100 for breaking our lease, which they'll get after I pay the people I need to.

'Cause, apparently, I just need to owe money to somebody else.

Rest assured, though, I'm "craigslisting" everything possible. Moving up three flights of stairs was a gold plated bitch, and I am loathe to ask for help again. My new rule is if I can't carry it down the stairs by myself it's not coming with us, so if you want some furniture for cheap (and when I say "cheap" I mean "free") let me know.

More details later when I have a few minutes to devote to writing a proper blog. Sorry for being so skittish last week; it oughta start calming down pretty shortly so I can get back to writing.

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Today I just feel deflated. Toni pointed out that I need to re-visit Step #4 & #5, and I'm taking her advice. I'm glad the 12 Steps never really stop. She also pointed out that I missed a day of my meds, and as much as I'd like to chalk it up to that I won't. Well, not entirely, anyway.

I have about 96 more hours of running flat out (work-wise) before I can begin to start thinking about only working 8 hours a day. It'll be nice to let the pace slacken a (very) little. I think the stress is starting to make me a little edgy.

I have several pics I want to post from the weekend and this week, but I left the camera in the car. I'll post 'em tomorrow.

My wife is really cool and very patient, and I'm really lucky to have her. I don't tell her that enough, and I think that part of the reason I hate being so broke is that it makes it a lot harder for me to show her how much I really do care about her. And I know that money isn't everything, but it sure would be wonderful to take her someplace nice every once in a while, ya know? She deserves it. I really do love her.

Meh - that's all for today. I'm going to get back to work, 'cause I need to, so I can get the money and pay the folks I owe and pay rent, and.......well, you guys get the drift.

I sure am looking forward to getting back on my feet again, but it's not going to happen by itself.

291

OK - I (finally) have a few.....

Well, I think I said about everything I had to say about being gay, except I haven't touched on Gay Marriage, which I think was what started this whole thing in the first place.

First off, I have zero problem with gay folks getting married if that's what they've chosen to do. If two gay folks decide that they love each other and they want to spend the rest of their lives in a monogamous with each other, I'm fine with that. I also think they ought to be eligible to all the same civil & legal rights hetro couples are entitled to by virtue of the status of their martial relationship.

I think the only gripe I have is that I think the legal definition of the word marriage means the coming together of a man and a woman. Personally, I don't know why the gay folks would want to use a word that meant that. I would think that the folks fighting for Gay Marriages would want to call it a Gay Marriage, and not just a regular marriage - does that make sense?

I guess my only point here is that I think you can't change what words mean, ya know? Words mean things. Red means red. Up means up. If marriage means man and woman, then you need to modify it somewhat to make it mean something different. It's not a shot at gays whatsoever, just a disagreement with syntax.

What I mean is this: if you call it a gay marriage then you eliminate the problem with changing what the words means by adding the word gay in front of it. I don't think that takes away from it at all - it just makes it more accurate. I suppose my issue with it is more of a grammatical one than anything.

I hope that makes sense.

NOW.....

On Sunday night I had the parent of a kid I owe payroll to give me a call. No problem there, man. I owe their kid money, and I'm sure the parent wants their kid to have it. I have no beef with that whatsoever, and I'd have done the exact same thing if I was in this parent's shoes. I have no problem with anything said parent did.

I did, however, have a gripe when the parent said the following statement to me. I shall paraphrase:

"As a Christian Business Person, we held to a higher standard. When you don't pay your people, it really damages your testimony. I understand having cash flow problems, but you really have to pay your employees first. You should put your customers first, your employees second, and yourself last."

I respectfully disagree on a few points. I'd like to offer a rebuttal.

First, you have never, ever spoken to me a day in your life. I doubt you could pick me out of a lineup. We are not friends. We are not associates. You're not my father, my boss, or any kind of mentor. You have no authority to "counsel" me, sport. We don't have that kind of relationship. And I know that you'll use that verse in the Bible about how Scripture is good for rebuking, but I think you have to know the person well enough to be able to have this kind conversation with them.

I'm 36. Don't talk to me like I'm a kid, and you damn sure ought not to talk to me like I'm your kid or some teenager in a a Bible study group you lead, because that's how you sounded. I'm a bright guy, too. I can read and ride a bike and tie my own shoes and everything.

Don't tell me you understand having the problems I have, unless you've walked in my shoes and gone through the same shit, step by step. Lose your wife, lose your house, be in real danger of losing your cars, your visitation with your kid, going to jail, and being homeless and then tell me that you understand. Oh - and it would help if you were a recovering addict, too.

Don't tell me how I should spend my money. On a daily basis, I have to choose where to spend my money. My choices are the following:

I - Food, so I can eat.
II - Shelter, so I have a place to live.
III - Child Support, so:

A) I don't get my daughter yanked away from me
B) I don't go to jail, where I can't generate income

IV - Car, so I can get to work, and therefore keep generating income, so I can actually pay the money I owe.

See, if I put everybody else in front of me, I lose my apartment (as I've already lost my house), access to my daughter, my freedom and my livelihood.

But by God, my contractors would have gotten paid because that's what a good Christian does. Never mind that the job they had is gone because the company is gone because the owner is gone, though. Those are simply small details a good Christian shouldn't sweat, apparently. Hell - Paul wrote his best stuff in jail, right?

Occasionally, I get to pay a bill I owe, but that's only after I pay payroll. I have never, ever stiffed anybody on labor. Everybody that's ever worked for me has gotten paid every penny they have coming. Sometimes it takes a while, and they know this before they ever start. Know why it takes a while? Because I, and thereby the business, is just barely surviving. Understand that, sport. There's a difference between struggling and surviving, man. Right now I'm working on the latter. Try checking out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and see where paying your contractors fits in. I'm running on just the basics here, man, and let me assure you I didn't take a vacation and sip daiquiris on the beach with your kids money.

By the way - your kid knew the risks, man. We had a long talk about this before they even started. And perhaps it might be a good lesson to let your kid deal with it instead of you swooping in to rescue your kid. I think by the time they're 18 or so they ought to be able to start dealing with their own problems, and learn to start hearing "no - not now" a little bit. It's a good lesson, too. Hell - even God tells us "no" sometimes.

And don't ever assume that you know were anybody is in their spiritual walk, either, man. It comes across as very ivory tower, and really condescending, which I personally don't like.

Now - did I say any of this? No. There's no point, man. Cast not your pearls before swine, right? I know the drill. I know the type. There's no point because I'm not going to change the parent's mind one whit, and I'm not going to waste my time trying. I simply agreed subserviently and respectfully with the parent and went along with it and yessir'd my way out of it. And the kid will get paid when I get the money, which oughta be any day now, and just in time for Christmas, too.

And I'll freely admit it hurt my ego and my pride, and it made me really angry. And I know I have anger problems and all of that, and it I'm still a little bent at the kid for getting on me for paying for a wedding when I owed the kid money. And ironically, I spent less on the wedding then what I owe the kid. And if you're hurting for money that bad, go get another job. I damn sure did. And I'm looking forward to paying two of my contractors off and making sure they know they can never, ever work for me again before I 1098 them. I think a very small, very bitter part of me is going to enjoy that.

Ugh - I was hoping to feel better after I wrote this, but I don't. I was hoping that a good vent would cheer me up, but it didn't. I guess it was just one more kick when I'm already down, and I feel like I got kicked by somebody that doesn't know me at all and who apparently think they're in a position to deliver what feels like just another kick at me in the name of Jesus under the guise of "rebuking me in love" when Jesus already knows I'm trying.

Aw, fuck it. Tomorrow is another day. Back to work.

290

PS: I'm bitter. I'm grouchy. I want to play the victim and bitch about how rough everything is and enjoy the view from this cross I've erected on top of my high horse. I freely admit it. I'll work on it, along with payroll and all my other bills.

No Blog Today

Very Busy...and I slept too late :-(

Work Stuff
House Stuff
Work Stuff
Work Stuff
Work Stuff

More tomorrow - lots to talk about this week.

- Weekend Recap (with pictures)
- Gay Marriage
- Christians (still) Love Rebuking, apparently

OK....see you cats tomorrow. Have a picture of Bigfoot playing the piano!