It didn't get posted in the time frame I meant it to, but I still think it's very important to mention. I'd also like to mention that my Mom got scout a stuffed chimpanzee-like monkey, and she promptly murdered it. I am encouraging this, for reasons you shall soon understand. Now, without further ado, here it is.
The Chimpanzee is the Devil's Monkey.
You need to learn this fact. Bask in it. Let it shine upon your face, because I can't stress this enough.
My brother was one of the opinion that if God allowed Satan to create one thing, it would be cockroaches. Yea and verily I say unto you, it would have been chimpanzees, for one simple reason: they kill people.
Biologically, chimps are the most like us humans, most notably on one particular regard; they are capable of unspeakable evil.
And not just people, either. Babies. Human babies. yeah - I said it. They kill babies, most notably in Africa. In fact, there's more than one documented case of it, if you care to do the research. One chimp had four infant kills to his credit before he was eventually killed with 7.62 round through his wicked monkey melon.
Now - it's not just infants they attack, either. They attack humans, too. In fact, there have been two recent incidents where the victims were horribly, horribly disfigured. One chimp ("Travis") had to be gunned down by the police, an option generally reserved for psychotics, murderers and violent felons. feel free to Google "chimp attack" if you have any doubt.
Now, if that weren't bad enough, they generally opt to mangle their victims first, by attacking their hands, face, and groin first before
eating them. Yep - I said eating them. Nom nom nom.
And if that weren't enough, chimps form 3-5 chimp units and attack - and kill - other chimps. In my book, that's gang activity, man. How would you like to be that single chimp out for a food run and find yourself attacked by 4 other chimps who then proceed to eat your hands, groin and face before killing you?
And in case you weren't already horrified enough, chimps also eat a steady diet of these.
That's right - they eat other monkeys like they were on the buffet at Cici's. Chimpanzees eat a lot of monkeys, man. That's borderline cannibalism, too, because interspecies cannibalism still counts, unless you're a human and you eat a monkey - we're at the top of the food chain so we get one free pass, and that's it. I still wouldn't eat a chimpanzee, though. I'll bet they taste like hate and insanity.
Obviously, in Africa (as well as throughout the world), these chimps have rights, and I know that there are several organizations dedicated to studying and researching and learning all there is to know about chimpanzees, and I acknowledge that their opinions are not only profoundly more educated, but are as valid and likely more reasonable than mine, and you should hear their arguments about chimps, too.
But I'm here to say that if these chimps roamed free in Texas, and they appeared to engage in the same reprehensible activities they indulge in in Africa, then I think that a lot of Texans might shoot them. Texans, in general, don't tolerate baby-murdering, and are quick to dispatch justice.
Knowing what I know now, if I ever see a wild, escaped or otherwise active chimp anywhere near my cat, dog, wife or kid, I'm going to lay my hands on my rifle real quick, because let's face it - chimps are strong and a pistol just isn't going to do it.
I think that as a responsible society, we need to be made aware of and be prepared for the threat of a chimp revolt; at least as prepared as we are for the eventuality of the zombie apocalypse.
This is my real opinion, and I have have spoken.
Have a cat.
