Well, I'm blogging. I don't have a lot to say, really. No news on the job front, but we're working really hard at out little company. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my chiropractor (before we go to another counseling session) because I pulled my back muscles moving a refrigerator (and a piano) on Monday, and I want to get it adjusted before I throw it and render myself utterly useless for a few days. Oh - Toni has a piano now. It sounds pretty good, though I've been told it could probably use a little tuning. A really good friend of ours needed to find a home for it, and Toni's been wanting one for a while. One of these days I'd like to sit down and try to learn it. I might get one of those how-to-teach-yourself-to-play-piano books. It might be nice to try to decompress some nights - trying to play a trumpet isn't exactly soothing for my neighbors, though I like it.

I think today is the first time I've eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner - three real meals - in ages. Toni felt inspired to whip up bacon and eggs and it was too good to sleep through. I think the last time I ate three meals a day (with any consistency) was when I was going through Pathways. I need to get back to eating better, man. I felt pretty good all day.

I've been putting off the Celebrity Game all day, because I can't think of any good ones fro you folks. What I'm going to have to do is put it on the back burner and wait for it to come to me. For what it's worth, there's a lot of people I just can't place for a variety of reasons. I'm only about 50-60% on the one for my brother, so don't take it personally.

I'm trying to recruit a few folks to work for us while we get this order filled, but it's slow going. A) I'm really picky about the people I ask to help and B) it's hard to get folks to disrupt their schedules. Hell - I can hardly get all my won stuff done, as the work I do for our little company seems to get disrupted by a variety of things; appointments, counseling, eatijng, the kiddo, my theater job - it seems like there's always something that gets in the way, hence my needing people I can't find. I still haven't replaced the starter on the Bronco yet, either.

I've been doing very well for the past few days recovery-wise. Nothing squirrley, and I haven't been feeling off, tense or weird, and I haven't been triggered or anything. It's been a pretty good few days.

Anyway, that's everything I can think of to say tonight. I'm going to bed.

825 for Wednesday.

Saturday was a really good day. Toni and I got a lot of necessary errands run, and we had fun doing it. I got another wedding band. (I got the biggest one I could find. It's more comfortable than the last one) She got some new clothes that she desperately needed. I got 200 rounds on clearance at Cabelas, and we tried a new BBQ place called Hard Eight over in Coppell. It was really good.

Having a good day on Saturday was good as I almost quit my theater job on Friday. Have you guys ever had a boss that wouldn't let you actually do anything yourself, and had to meddle and interfere with whatever it is you're doing at the time, thereby actually increasing the time it's going to take you to complete the task?

The best comparison I can come up with it somebody asking you to write your own name, and then trying to take the pen away and write your name for you. Then, once you establish that you really can write your own name and he agrees to let you write it all by yourself like a big boy, he takes the pen out of your hand and shows you how to make all the letters, one at a time, before giving the pen back to you. I'm here to tell you that I've just about reached the end of my rope on that, man, especially when I've only gotten an $.86 raise in the past year, and I'm making less than I pay the people who work for me. I have a dollar amount that I require to be that badly micro-managed, and the pittance I'm making there isn't even halfway. I have very little pride left, but I'm fairly determined to the little amount I've managed to retain.

At any rate, it's aggravating, and if I can find another job where I can either make more money or not be micromanaged quite so much I'm gonna take it. I'm looking, man - I'm looking.

And yes - I know I'm lucky to have a second job at all. But if you have a job, I think you're entitled to little complaining every once in a while when there are elements that you find aggravating.

It's hard to remember all the good things that God has done for you sometimes, like how once He speaks something into your life, whatever He speaks becomes, because when God speaks, He creates. On the few times I've heard God speak to me, He's made things in me that have changed me; changed my heart and my soul in profound ways. he's reminded me that His kingdom can be here on earth, and that we don't have to wait until we die to experience some of it here. Our pastor was asking us if we'd live our lives any differently if we knew that God (or Jesus) was standing right beside us, and of course, we would - forgetting that the Holy Spirit is with us always. It's so easy to forget sometimes, especially when your boss is driving you nuts. It's tough to imagine Jesus standing by the projector with his hands in His pockets watching the scene unfold, but isn't that the reality we live in? Something to think about anyway, huh?

I'm doing OK recovery-wise. Last week (Thursday, maybe?) I had a night where I was wanting to fail and cash it all in, but I didn't. I'm feeling better as of late. Feeling better may be due to some of the things that we're learning about in counseling, like some of the wounds I suffered in the divorce; defense mechanisms that erected themselves as survival mechanisms, stuff that's messed up a lot for me ever since, stuff I couldn't see and didn't know existed. While I don't regret where I am now, it's hard not to look back and feel some sadness for the hurts that were caused by those things that were created in me as a result of being left. Sometimes I still have a hard time knowing how to deal with that late at night, or when I'm alone, still trying to process some of the feelings of loss I still feel from time to time. More time to pass, huh?

Anyway, I guess that's it. It's too late in the night for me to play the celebrity game, but I'll get on it tomorrow.

823 for Monday.

*sigh* - It doesn't mean anything, right?

Last night my wedding ring fell down the shower drain and was lost forever. We tried to retrieve it, but it was gone. In light of how it's been going as of late, it was crappy timing. Fortunately, it wasn't a terribly expensive ring and we can get a new one pretty soon.

Our second week of counseling went pretty well. It's good to see a bit of resolution start to form, and to see bits of the relationship start to mend.

Our little company is now banging our orders pretty quickly, and we have a nice FAT order which will fix a lot of credit damage for both of us. It's encouraging to see after struggling for so long; it's nice to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for the e-mails and the phone calls and the flowers. We got all of them. We appreciate you guys respecting our wish for privacy - it meant a lot to us.

I shaved my head and it feels nice. I took it down to the skin but I think I prefer it with just the teeniest amount of buzz cut - like three days growth. Toni has shears that'll let me keep it this way. It feels like the bristly side of Velcro. Not "hook-and-loop closure" but Velcro. Suck it, Velcro. Come and find me for violating your copyright. I'll say Velcro whenever I want and I'm not gonna get your permission or anybody else's. Take that, establishment.

I'm looking at yet another line of work, but I don't have anything more than an idea yet. More on that as (if) it develops. I sent in an inquiry - we'll see if they respond. I suspect it's a "who you know" business, and I don't know anybody.

On an unrelated note, at the theater we're playing "Who would Play You", which is always a fun game for me. My buddies and I played this game a while back and I had a few ones I really liked, so I figured I'd share them here with you guys. Enjoy....

Me....
Nicolas Cage


-or-

Jason Lee


Toni- Mary Stuart Masterson


My brother Brando - Luke Wilson


Brando's wife Jenny - Maggie Gyllenhall


My Mom - Anne Bancroft


My Dad - Al Pacino


My Buddy Bri - Abraham Benrubi


Anyway, it's a fun game (at least for me). If you want my take on you, shout out, because the comments are back on :-)

Thanks again, guys.

819 on Wednesday

The debate was solved for me, I guess.

....and I don't really have anything good to say tonight. I'm not writing for sympathy or to show off how bad I am or compete for attention, but when God gives you a little sign when you're wondering if you ought to talk about it, you'd generally do pretty good to listen and heed.

Another blogger I admire (Brent) was pretty transparent on his blog here recently, and much like in a recovery small group, when one person opens up it gives others the courage to do the same. I figure as I have a fairly decent track record of being pretty open and honest about what's been going on with me as of late, I figure I'll just Lay it All Out and let the chips fall where they may. Tonight, there's a lot of chips, man.

"Recovery Stuff"

I haven't slipped or anything, but I've thought about it some as of late, generally when I'm angry, as I tend to want to act out out of anger. I've caught myself eyeballing people I have no business eyeballing, though I've kept it to myself until now. I'm afraid I've made no effort to hide or conceal it, either. I figure if I'm unhappy, I might as well just go ahead and indulge myself in something I feel like is wrong. I can't even rationalize it by saying that I'm just noticing a pretty girl (something that isn't wrong in and of itself), but when I'm taking that second, third or fourth look and it's gone past simply noticing. I've even caught myself saying something the equivalent of "OK, Devil - I'm ready to be tempted. Throw me a little bone here, and I'll bite. I'm ready to fall off the wagon now." But the devil never does, and I get frustrated that when I feel like I want to fall off for something that I swear (at the time) would be totally worth it, I get no opening to sin or act out. Call it divine protection, I guess, but I'll admit every once in a while I don't want it.

Now - there's even a twist here.

My sex drive is all but gone, and I mean gone. This is extremely upsetting for me. And I feel like that intimacy that's so important in our marriage is gone with it, and that it's my fault. For what it's worth, I have no interest in anybody, or anything. Even the stuff that used to be like catnip - the most enticing, most powerful draws you can imagine - dead, cold, dry, dusty. and I have no explanation for it. I'm married to a beautiful woman - my best friend - and I feel nothing, and I know that is very unhealthy. The only ray of hope I have is that our counselor said that it's really common, and that there are about a million things that could cause it, so I'm trying my best to take that as good news. Now let's go to the next part, which will now come as no surprise to anybody.

"Marriage Stuff"

Toni and I are having marriage problems. Nobody's hitting, cheating or abusing substances, but it's been rocky for the past few months and it hasn't gotten better. We have a lot of stress, I guess. Financial. Old Wounds from past relationships (mostly mine, mostly from my divorce). Hurtful words. Thinly veiled threats of divorce made in anger. Extended and Blended Family problems. Breakdowns in communication. Silence. Angry outbursts. Broken stuff. Isolation. Walls. Defense Mechanisms. Family of Origin problems. Cruel words. Cold shoulders. Warm invitations denied. Thought processes that are out of whack. Shutting Down. Giving up.

By the way - if at this point you feel that you need to call, e-mail or come over to "intervene" in some way or to "help save our marriage" or to render some version of emergency assistance, I would caution you to consider if you may indeed be part of the problem. Toni and I are 34 and 37, respectively - we can handle this on our own, so be prepared to sit this one out from the sidelines. This isn't a cry for help, so stay off the field.

I know that most marriages experience this from time to time, and I know that in that regard we're nothing special. We've already started to go to counseling, and so far I think the most encouraging things I've heard is that A) we're not alone B) a lot of people have gone through what we're gong through and C) they're still together and happy. So I'm feeling pretty defeated, numb and detached, but while I feel none, I know there is hope.

And in case that weren't enough....

We had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. We didn't know we were pregnant, and we weren't trying. In fact, we were using birth control and so had no reason to even suspect. To the best of our knowledge, we might only have been a few weeks in. Toni's physically healthy, but we're still dealing with this loss(?) on top of everything else. Some days I don't know what to feel, or if I feel anything at all.

And I can't even begin to describe how Toni has to feel about all of this. She's had a load of shit dumped on her these past six months that I can't imagine, and she's still trying as hard as she can, man. And that's one of the reasons I love her so much - she's not a quitter, and she hasn't given up on me yet, even when I think I've given up on myself.

And there's still one more thing I can't talk about - I just can't. It's over and done with, but it was a tough time for everybody, and there was more than just Toni and I involved, too - innocent people that deserve better.

So why did I write it all down here and post it? Because you're only as sick as your secrets, and if I'm committed to living a life of transparency and of being fully known and fully loved, I can't try to struggle through life alone. So there you go, man. That's where I am (and where we are) tonight. I cleared it with Toni before I posted this - it was only fair.

I'm killing comments until further notice.

817 for Monday, but only because thoughts don't equal action.

a serving of cafeteria Christianity

I have a very long-standing gripe about going through the Bible and just accepting the parts that you like, or going through all the other religions and picking and choosing the parts that appeal to you, whether or not they're true or not. Recently, though, I have to confess that I've done this very thing, and I am no way sorry or apologetic.

Recently a friend and I were having a heart-level talk on the tragic subject of miscarriage. My friend is a Mormon, and while he and I probably don't see eye-to-eye on everything, he said something to me that I really liked, and after thinking about it quite a bit these past several days, I think I agree with it.

The basic gist of it was this. In the Bible there's a verse in Jemimah where it says "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Now, I get that God is talking to Jeremiah here, but I think the same applies to all of us. Didn't God pre-ordain each of our existences? I think He did. So is some element of us someplace for God to know us from before we're born? Evidently, the Mormons think so.

Now, as my friend explained it, the Mormons believe that there's a place where the spirits or people who aren't born yet live, and at some point during the gestation process (though nobody knows exactly when) their souls leave this place and go into the bodies that they will eventually inhabit. Sometimes, though, if the baby is lost before it's born, the little soul (or spirit) stays where it is until one day when the mother's soul arrives in heaven, where they are reunited for eternity.

You can call that whatever you want; bad theology, mysticism, or just plain BS. I think at some point I learned that everything the Mormons (and Jehovah Witnesses, too) believe was wrong and bad and that they're all going to hell. I'm not going to get into an argument about the doctrine of salvation today, man. But on this....

I think the Mormons got it right.

Please save your breath and don't try to argue this one. I'm not going to dig through the Bible and Google every single verse I can find concerning whether or not unborn babies get into heaven or where they come from before the little fetus has a heartbeat and/or brain activity. At the end of the day, nobody really knows, man, and I think trying to reach and bridge gaps that God has very clearly left blank with your interpretation largely serves to piss people off more than love them where they're at, which is very clearly what Jesus teaches us to do; and that's not something you can debate.

And I don't want to hear any of you get all pissy because it was the Mormons who came up with this, either. God forbid the Mormons actually get something (or hell - anything) right, or at least said something that I agree with, huh?

Anyway, I think that that idea gives a whole lot of hope and brings a whole lot of God's healing to a lot of men and women that might otherwise have very little hope or healing, and I think that God is as merciful and graceful as He is anything else. And say what you want about Mormons, man - I think on some things, they get it more than us "traditional" Christians do.

Anyway, that's all I have to say tonight.

812 for Wednesday.

So my allergies are rough this week, but seem to be localized to something here. And it's outside, too, because the cats aren't bothering me. And I'm installing a cat door so I can move the litter box into the garage. 'Cause it's stinky.

Gosh - I really don't have a lot to say, I don't think. I'm basically sitting here doing not a whole lot before Toni and I get back to work. We're withing three orders of clearing off our order board and only having three replacement orders to handle.

I've been riding my bike with our daughter & Toni more and more as of late. I'm thinking of starting to ride my bike to work. I have a good 15-speed I picked up at a garage sale for $10, and I figured out a route today that'll give me sidewalks the whole way. It's about a 6-mile trip each way; I figure I can knock it out in about 45 minutes each way. I'll have to bring my shoes and uniform in a backpack (and then leave it) and give myself some kind of a shower when I get there. I figure biking 36-48 miles a week oughta burn off a lot of fat, and I'm tired of having gut that I can feel when I run. I'm monkeying around with a plan to drop 40-50 lbs of fast food and soda residue, though working at a movie theater will make knocking off the Cokes a bit trickier. I think i can do it in 10 weeks, especially if I use Advocare products. I even have a helmet, too. Thoughts?

I went through a lot of old clothes and donated a garbage bag full of stuff I don't wear any more. I'm trying to transport as little as possible the next time we move. I'm only bringing the barest essentials when we go, which means we're ditching everything but the barest essentials. I'm leaving my gun safe here, too - it's bolted to the wall and I don't think I have it in me to

My next question for you guys: Is it worth it to keep cable/satellite TV service if you only care about watching one show a week? I think 99% of the reason we continue to pay for it is so our kiddo can watch it when she's here; otherwise it's just an expensive distraction and noisemaker.

That's it for now, I reckon.

810

If you wanna come in, use the front door.

I guess this all came to be because of the new law that the state of Arizona has passed. In short, it gives local law enforcement the right to inquire about somebody's citizenship if they think they might be in the country illegally, and then detain (and arrest) them for violating existing immigration laws in the event that they people in question are in the county illegally. No new laws were passed - all that happened is that now the local cops can make an inquiry and an arrest instead of having to rely on the feds to do it.

For this, a lot of folks are screaming that it's a racist law, though it applies to everybody. if you ask me, it's too bad the country isn't being overridden by illegal white people. I'd kind of like to see A) how popular the law would be if whiteys were streaming in and B) if anybody would be shouting racism.

I don't like being thought of as a racist, man, and I don't think that supporting a new piece of legislation makes me hate anybody, but if the folks are screaming that if I support it I'm a racist I'm prepared to accept that label, even though I don't think it fits. To me, being a racist means that you hate people because of what color skin they have. Personally, my beef is with people who don't follow the law, no matter what color they are.

You know what else I don't like? I heard a politician say it was a step towards Nazi Germany because the police would be "asking for papers". I don't agree with that for the following reason: giving local law enforcement the power to arrest people that are breaking an existing federal law - that our own government passed - is in no way like killing six million Jews. Hey, Jews - the systematic extermination of your people by a evil maniac dictator is only as important as local cops arresting illegal aliens for breaking the law. Jeez - what a slap in the face, man. Hey, Jews? I think the Holocaust is a much bigger deal.

See.... I'm all for letting any and all immigrants into the country that want to come in - I really am. Hell - this country was founded by immigrants. I love other cultures, man. But there's one caveat, and that's this: you have to follow the law if you're gonna stay, man, and you gotta come in the right way. Collecively, America loves immigrants - America just wants you guys to use the front door instead of jumping the rear fence and sneaking into the back yard. Be a guest - not an intruder.

Personally, I'd like to see a wall from San Diego to Brownsville, and another one from Bellingham to Caribou. I want lots of gates in both of 'em, too. I hears a wise person say that once, a long time ago.

Anyway, that's it for Wednesday.

805

More on my inherent distrust of white people food

We went into a Chinese restaurant a few nights ago, and I was pleased to see a lot of Asians in there. To me, if you go into a Chinese restaurant and there are no Chinese (or other folks of Asian descent) people in there, you're probably in trouble. It's like going into a Mexican food restaurant and not seeing any Mexicans inside, or worse - not seeing any Mexicans in the kitchen. It's almost as bad as going into a BBQ restaurant and not seeing any black people, though in a pinch, old, backwoodsy, country white people is an acceptable substitute *IF* they have been making and smoking their barbecue and making their sides for not less than fifteen years (preferably 20)*AND* they are from either Texas, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi or Tennessee. Also, if the people (either black or white) are fat, wearing overalls, and/or missing teeth, that instills great hope. (Cajuns don't count on this one - that's a whole other genre.)

As you guys can see, all our computers are back on line. The final tallies?

Number of trips to Best Buy: 3
Number of network cards installed: 3
Number of network cards that didn't work: 3
Number of Operating Systems reformatted: 2
Number of viruses that rendered the computer completely useless: 1
Number of computers I installed antivirus software on: 2
Number of programs I had to reinstall: 4
Numbers of years of client data I lost: 6
Number of e-mail address books lost: 2
Number of projects that eventually failed completely: 1
Number of calls to Verizon: 7
Number of calls to Belkins: 3
Number of calls to Dynex: 1
Number of calls to Geek Squad: 1
Number of calls to Cousin Steven: 1
Number of calls to Brian: 6
Number of hours I'll never get back: 35

Our number one client is offering to come by and visit when he comes to the US. I don't know what to do about that. See - I was a little concerned about showing him our "facility" when I actualy had a facility, and now I'm afraid that if he sees that we're just two people making tests in our living room he'll drop us, but I don't want to lie. Also, I can't afford to take the guy (and his daughter) out to give 'em a good taste of Texas. Any suggestions on how to address this?

Anyway.....more tomorrow, huh?

804 for Tuesday