I'm going to make this short today

I hope each and every one of you have a great Thanksgiving, and that you get to spend it with people you love. I hope your your children are healthy, your parents are well, and your friends are true. I hope you have a soft place to sleep, food to eat, and a warm place to stay. (If you are missing any of those last three, let me k now and we'll do what we can to help.) I hope that you aren't sad on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I hope your if your heart has been broken that it's mended, or well on the way.

And, for the rest of you guys (especially my dad, brother, bri, Kent, Nate, Cousin Steven, and Bella LaRue) may your guns be clean and loaded, may you have plenty of ammo, may your swords be sharp, your non-perishable food supplies sufficient, and may your......well, you get it.

You guys have a great Thanksgiving, and please take a moment to be truly thankful for the people that you love, that love you, and for all blessings that God has given to you - even the ones you can't see, don't want or haven't gotten yet.

Ugh

So I've calmed down some since my last blog. I would like to say thank you to God for not striking me down for being a blasphemous jerk. I think it shows that He has much more mercy and grace than I am capable of understanding.

As far as something I was debating several weeks ago, I think I may have come up with an answer that's satisfactory to me, which - let's face it - is really the only kind of answer I'm interested in. Anyway, to recap, here's the question:

Why do I still struggle with depression when, after having gone through deliverance and having a full knowledge of A) when I'm not thinking clearly B) when I'm being spiritually attacked and C) struggling with depression is clearly not indicative of God's desire for any of us? Or, for that matter, why do so many good, God-fearing people find themselves afflicted with things like.....oh, I don't know.....cancer? Or having their spouses walk out on them (not just mine, either - I can count four folks who didn't have it coming). On an identical line, why does my wife struggle with anxiety despite going through deliverance, counseling, and having the intellectual knowledge to counter the emotional instincts that result from aanxiety attacks?

AND....how come, if our faith in God, in His healing power, in His love, in His Grace, etc - why do we still struggle with this stuff? Or, to put it another way, if our faith in God is strong enough, why aren't we healed from our own emotional wounds, or to follow the logic, our physical ones?

Well, I don't have an answer except for this. Paul prayed three times for Christ to remove a thorn from his flesh, and God didn't do it. The Bible never really says why. The only reason I can think of is to just tell us that we're not alone, and maybe that if Paul had to go through some crappy stuff and God wouldn't take it away from him (thereby forcing Paul to deal with it ad nauseaum) then I guess we're in good company, because Paul ended up doing a lot of good stuff for God once he stopped killing His followers, had an encounter with God, was struck blind, healed & sent out to spread His word.

So I don't know why I still struggle with depression when I've been given all the spiritual tools necessary to defeat it, nor do I know why my wife has the safe fight with anxiety with the same criteria. I don't think that God is punishing us, and I don't think that either of us doesn't believe that God can't heal us in an instant. But no matter how strong your faith is, no matter how close your walk with God it, no  mater how deep, intimate and encompassing your walk with God is, this incontrovertible  fact remains: God can heal anything, but He doesn't always do it for reasons we will likely never, ever know. And I don't think that says anything negative about our faith, either - I think it just says that, once again, we don't get how God runs the show all the time. So....there's that.

As as aside, Toni and I are working our way through renovating that condo to flip it, and we're trying to save ever penny we can. So far, it's going well. We have lots of "before" pics that we'll post when we're done.

Today I ate KFC and Braums, and I got sick. Too much grease, I guess.

Toni and I are trying to prepare for moving out. We packed up all of our kitchen stuff and are again going through our stuff to see what we can get rid of. The more stuff we get rid of the happier I am.

So lately I've been looking at guns again lately. I'm not going to buy any, but I kind of like looking at 'em. I guess it's kind of like folks who like looking at cars or jewelry or whatever else folks like to look at and think about buying. I think it's a grown-up version of looking at toys in the Sears catalog when you're a kid, or fantasizing about what you'd spend your lottery winnings on. I find it relaxing, and it takes my mind off of being stressed for a while..Apparently, I'd buy guns, and probably some bullets, too. Mossberg has a GREAT new semi-automatic 12 gauge I'm not going to buy.

I think I'm going to make more of an effort to play my trumpet again, as I like it and I miss playing. I think I'd like to pick up a flugelhorn one of these days, too, 'cause they're fun.

And I'm trying to let Toni to let me grow a beard, too, but I'm not sure how well it's going. I might have to shave soon.

Have a cat!

I don't have a title. Maybe....moody?

I think I have mostly a collection of fairly random thoughts. I haven't felt cohesive at all today, like I'm moving way too fast in what's an otherwise very slow, impeding fog. I think it all started when I skipped breakfast, which, I'm learning, is a terrible, terrible mistake.

I was exhausted all day. I skipped breakfast because when I woke up this morning I was still very, very angry at my wife for twisting my ear at the Chinese restaurant last night. I took a piece of pineapple off her plate without asking and ate it - that was what prompted the ear-twisting response. Unfortunately, while it started off as a joke, I felt it turned very south when, after I had already swallowed it, she said "drop it", which is the same thing we say to the dog, and then she wouldn't let go when I asked, and then told her to let go. At this point I have to confess that I would have struck - and struck hard - anybody else that did that to me, but no matter how angry you get, no matter how much pain you're in, no matter how strong the fight-or-flight response is, no matter how strong the instinct to react with the training that you've been given, no matter how fast the adrenaline dump hits you, and no matter how quick your brain has mapped out the mechanics, assigned the technique, decided on the strike and acquired the target area on the person's body, you cannot - ever - strike your wife.

I have to confess that having that response but being unable to act it out is hard for me. To clarify, I don't mean it's hard not to hit my wife at all - I'm saying that when the intensity of reaction hits a certain point, to be forced to counteract that, especially when pain is introduced to the equation, feels like....like....something bad. I still feel really dark inside about it. I feel like I'm still mad, but that I should forgive and just move past it, right?

I suppose there's more to it, too. It was really emasculating, and it was something I've never done to anybody else, even in a fight. It hurt at a level I can't quite identify yet, something deeper than just the pain from the twisting or the soreness I still have the next night. I guess I had the feeling that I can't fight back or protect myself, and that bothered me, too.

And I'm not writing this to bash my wife or anything. I do feel like she really doesn't get the degree of damage she did, so it's hard for me to really accept her apology, despite the fact that A) she can't (because I can't adequately express it, I guess) and B) maybe it's all my problem anyway. More than anything, I'm just writing to process what *I'm* feeling, and not to say anything ill about my wife. Odds are I'm just experiencing the phenomenon that girls experience when the guy doesn't know exactly why he's apologizing but simply knows that he screwed up; he only gets the intellectual part and not the emotional part. Or maybe having the shit twisted out of your ear just isn't that big a deal.

See? Still mad. I can't shake it, so I'll change the subject.

Toni wants to visit a starting church on Sunday night. Her friends are going, and she wants to go too, and that she'll go even if I don't. She says that she thinks we're on different spiritual paths. I don't know what to do with that. The last times I was told that I was on a different spiritual path was when my first wife left and my ex and I couldn't agree on our views on God, and I felt like I was wrong, and that I was missing out, and that I had a stick up my ass and that I've had it wrong all along. We couldn't get equally yoked, I guess, and odds are I was just moving to slow for her. I'm sure there's a root of fear (or maybe laziness?) here. I don't know which and I'm too tired to sort it all out tonight.

I don't like change where God is concerned. I like my church. I don't want to change. I don't know if it's because I'm comfortable there or that I just don't want to risk stepping out into something unknown. I mean, how many churches am I supposed to join? Aren't you supposed to stay at one church and kind of pick that one? And I know God isn't interested in me being comfortable - He's interested in growing me and stretching me, etc. But damnit, man - why do I always have to be the one that's wrong about God? Why does everybody else get it but me? Is God just trying to teach me that I'm wrong? In general, I mean - I'm just wrong, no matter what it is? That's fairly demoralizing, the thought that no matter what you do, you're wrong, according to A) everybody - especially the women that you're with and, oh, yeah - B) God.

Did I mention that I feel like God is just trying to prove me wrong, and is using my ex-wife, my ex-girlfriend and my current wife as His mouthpieces to re-iterate how much of an idiot i really am, and to squash whatever teeny bit of self-respect or pride I might have managed to scrape up? Nope - can't have any pride at all. You are a worm, so even if you think you might want to get bit of fresh air (because HE said in HIS Word, and the preacher said that we're not supposed to spend our lives here miserable), he's going to stop his big ol' God Foot down on you and make you eat some dirt, 'cause I was getting just too damn uppity for a worm. So which is it?

Seriously - which is it? It's pretty fucking hard to soar with eagles when it seems like ever fucking decision you've EVER made has ended in failure, so hey - if you want me to even begin to think that I can fly, You're going to have to quit kicking me every time I try to stretch my wings. Pick a fucking side already. And quit sending people to tell me how GREAT God's plan is when so far, me doing my best had landed me (oh - and my family, too) at the corner of Shit Street and Broke Blvd, under the awning of the Stress Shop. In the rain.

So you know what, God? It's time for you to deliver, or I think I'm pretty much done with you. What else are you going to do? Kill my family? Tough shit - I'll survive. Kill me? You've had Your opportunity, and You didn't take it. Tonight, I feel like You're only keeping me around to screw with me, and that's pretty fucking cruel. I suppose you could send me hell, and that would be bad. I guess as long as you don't send me to hell, huh? THAT would show everybody what happens when people talk shit about You, wouldn't it? But why, then, do you seem to reward these assholes that seem to either not know You at all, or who openly mock You? How is that fair? And hey - might it strengthen your case if you doled out a bit of justice every so often?

I still have faith in You, but right now I'm running out of it. YOU are going to have to do something, because I'm all out of ideas, and I'm trying to do everything right, and you know what? NOTHING HAS CHANGED. And I know you're not a vending machine and that trying to manipulate you with my behavior is a fools errand, but after a while, I just lose hope that You're really up there or that You really care. or is the only proof that I'm ever going to get is that you're sparing me from death or hell - though i suppose that's enough. And odds are You're going to yell at me when/if I get to heaven anyway, so I have that to look forward to.You know what, though? I've had everybody I love down here tell me I'm doing it wrong, or that I'm not good enough, or that I'm an asshole or a jerk or a liar and not even worth respecting, so why should YOU be any different?

So there it is.

Have a cat.

Well, I figure I'd post something happened a few nights ago, mostly because it's kind of funny now that I know I've avoided serious injury.

Sunday evening I had a delightful dinner with my family at Mooyah's in Flower Mound. After dinner, Toni and walked down the steps and along the storefront sidewalk to see if there was a puppy in the window of a dog salon a few doors down. There was not.

In a fit of flirty girlishness, Toni goosed me on the way back to the car and sprinted up the sidewalk. I, of course, gave chase, and thus began the evening's misfortune.

As Toni ran down the sidewalk, she displayed her athletic prowess and cleared the steps in a single step without touching the handrail. As I closed the distance, I realized that in a step or two I would be unable to clear the steps without colliding with her. In a split second decision, I decided that I would need to jump the on the opposite side of the handrail as Toni. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to adequately asses the topography before I was fully committed to what would become an utterly irreversible action.

I would like to blame the ensuing problem on the glare from the sodium-arc parking lot lights, but in the end I really don't know how I missed it. the only thing I saw was a concrete step to the left of the handrail, and I was certain I could clear it without difficulty. Turns out, I was correct, but only in this one single element of the equation. What I failed to notice was the vertical rail that ran at waist level directly across the path I had chosen.


As you can clearly see, it's an invisible rail.

Now, as most of you folks know, Toni and I are huge proponents of Advocare, and both of use the products religiously. I think I've been very vocal as a staunch advocate of the company, the products, and the life-changing results we (and thousands of others) have experienced through our exposure to this company and their products. While the tremendous energy I've re-discovered is my personal favorite result, the secondary (and most obvious) result is a pretty substantial weight loss of 20 lbs, mostly around my midsection.

Now, while I do enjoy seeing a much flatter stomach in the mirror every morning, in this particular instance it backfired rather badly. See, before Advocare I had a nice 20 lb pillow that worked quite nicely to absorb any blows to my abdominal section, and now, alas - it was gone, and subsequently unable to protect me from the rapidly approaching steel rail bearing down on my gut like a baseball bat.

Because I was a full leap at the point of impact, my position was elevated several inches. Resultingly (is that a word?) I caught the rail about three inches below my ribcage. Fortunately, I was spared an almost certain cracked ribcage, proof that God watches out for fools and children. The impact, however, was still terrible.

Toni heard the collision and turned to see my glasses continue forward as I stopped, flying off my face and skittering to a stop on the sidewalk. Both of my feet came off the ground and in my mind I might have touched my toes a little as I was folded across the bar like a sideways facing "U". I did manage to keep from falling all the way to the ground, and it took me a few moments to realize that A) there was indeed a rail and B) I had run directly into it at full speed. I also might have had a very short conversation with the Almighty, though further discourse was cut short, as I had knocked the wind out of myself as well. I think my first words were "Don't touch me."

Now, though I would have a sore, bruised and swollen midsection for a few days, I was able to realize how absolutely hilarious that would have been to see. Once Toni, my Mom, our daughter and her cousin realized I was indeed OK they relaxed a bit, but I don't think anybody thought it was as funny as I did. Evidently it wasn't as funny as it was in my head, I still got the giggles later on, though it hurt a bit to laugh.

Anyway, I ran into a rail the other night, and I'll bet it would have been pretty funny to see.

Have a cat!

I used to have a lot more time to blog when I was depressed all the time. Now it seems that life takes more time. I credit feeling better due to good nutrition and a positive attitude.

So - the question for today is this: what has happened since I blogged last, and what have I learned?

Don't send unsolicited e-mails to folks that don't want them, even if they're sincere & devoid of ulterior motive. People don't like that. Lesson learned.

If you're out to lunch with your family and you discover that you forget your money, leaving them at the cafe while you run home to get it is a poor idea because it is considered bad form. I was completely unaware of this. Lesson learned.

If you are wondering if you should say something or not, and you have a few seconds to remain silent and really consider the intelligence of your potential statement, you should take that opportunity. And then don't say it. Lesson learned.

If you replace components in recipes, you can still eat what you want and stay within the dietary guidelines of your 10-day cleanse. Lesson learned.

If you make a delicious chicken taco soup, it will not keep in the fridge forever, and even if it still tastes really good and you experience no ill effects whatsoever, you should never, ever feed it to your wife. Four or five days is too long, apparently. Lesson learned.

If you drink several glasses of water, be prepared to pee at least three times in the 90 minutes after to stop, and be particularly careful not to stop before having to drive from Flower Mound to NRH in rush hour traffic. Lesson learned.

If you get a prickly feeling and feel like arming yourself before you go outside to run errands, arm yourself. Even if nothing happens, you'll feel better for trusting your instincts. Lesson learned.

Concealing a fully loaded M4 in your Hyundai so as not to upset other motorists takes more effort than I additionally thought, and is generally not worth the effort unless you are anticipating being attacked by an armed gang of thugs. If you are not anticipating being attacked, it's really not worth the extra effort involved. Lesson learned.

If your cat poops on the garage floor, your should take extra precautions to make sure that your dog does NOT squeeze past your legs, charge across said garage floor and gobble up said cat poop, because that's appalling beyond measure. Also, in the event that does occur, you should immediately feed said dog Pepto Bismol tablets, saltines and incarcerate the dog in her kennel for a few hours to think about what she did. Lesson learned.

If you go to bed at 11 PM instead of 4 AM, it makes getting up at 8 AM much easier. Lesson learned.

If you have a friend that's a girl and your wife gets a "vibe", don't argue. Lesson learned.

If you have the opportunity to sell a condo for somebody and pocket the profits, take it. Lesson learned.

If the site meter on your blog becomes out of whack for some reason, and your wife is hesitant to give you the password so that you can see who all is reading, don't press the issue, because who is reading your blog isn't as important as you might think, and you will lose the argument because you should have never argued for it in the first place. Lesson learned.

If you do a 10-day cleanse and opt not to cheat, you will lose more weight than if you choose to eat at Kincaids and Pizza Inn during said cleanse. Lesson learned. (I still dropped about 7 lbs, though.)

If you are on the last day of a 10-day cleanse, and you find yourself in a position to eat "The Outlaw" (a succulent 1 lb double cheeseburger served with a smokey, spicy jalapeno, habenero & pequin pepper relish found exclusively a Outlaw Burgers- located in the 100 block of West 4th Street in Justin, TX) you should absolutely seize the opportunity - it's totally worth it. Lesson learned.

OK - I think that's it. Huh - when you write it all out, it was a busier week than I thought.

I'll try really hard to update more next week. Monday is Administrative Monday, so check back then, willya?

Have a cat.

Ketchup

Man, first off I'd like to say thank you to all the folks that check in every day and see I haven't written anything. I appreciate you guys being patient, man. I'll try to make it worth your while.

First off, we are now officially a one-car family. I sold the Bronco today to a buddy of mine from Pathways. Thanks, Matt - you're awesome!

And now, some pics from Halloween. First off, our daughter as a scary vampire.....


And then, our respective pumpkins. We had one pumpkin with three carved sides so you could see one approaching the house, another walking down the sidewalk and yet another when leaving. First, our daughter's - traditional, cheerful, and designed solely by her.

Secondly, Toni's masterpiece.

Oh - did I mention she carved it with a Dremel tool? Pretty cool....

And now - mine.

As nature generally comes up with more terrifying things than what I (or even Hollywood) could invent, I drew my inspiration from the Malaysian Screeching Eel.


So, today we went to Paris (Texas) for a few reasons. We took a few pics, and here they are.

First up, Buffalo Joe's Pub. If you are ever - and I mean EVER - in Paris, you MUST stop there and eat the Spicy Buffalo Burger.

Good.
Gracious.

I am not sure I have the words to stress how delicious this burger was. Buffalo. Bacon. Delicious, delicious, spicy waffle fries on the side, It was totally worth the three hour drive. Oh, my friends - you must understand the magnitude of this. It put a huge smile on my face, though I was a little sad when it was over.

Scout came along for the ride. I am uncertain of how much she enjoyed the entirety of the trip, but I know she enjoyed parts of it. But not this part.

She did, however, enjoy her trip the the Eiffel Tower, as did her Mom.

Even though the City of Paris did ruin a bit of my fun. It's like they knew I was coming.

Now, for the serious parts of tonight's entry. The first part is very, very short.

A) My Mom left a copy of Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What" in the bathroom. I've made it a point to avoid Mr. Miller's writing because it seems like it's been the trendy thing to read, and I felt like if I read it I'd be following a trend that I had no interest in.

However, I found it sitting on the tank, and I started reading it because he seems to write a bit like I do, and like my friend Brent does. Oh - and it's incredible stuff, man. It's very challenging to what I grew up with, and it caused me to think (and re-think) about what I believe about my own spiritually, not to mention my political stances, how I interact with others, and - this is the most important part - my relationship with God. I can't recommend this book enough, guys - it's spectacular. I don't even care if churchy folks read it and talk about how great it is.

So - on to the second part. This week a friend of ours was soliciting letters for her hubby, who is celebrating his 40th birthday. It's kind of like presenting him with a stack of letters from folks who think he's a good guy (and he is), and that's a pretty good present, man.

However, I found that, even though I really like the guy, I couldn't make myself do it, and of course, I began to wonder why. Here's what I came up with:

I used to be really comfortable around people; family, friends, etc. I could go anywhere with anybody and it would feel like home. My folk's house. The Locke's. The Welch's. The Sikorski's. I could host parties, have folks come over to eat, organize events - you get the idea. I was social, I was outgoing.

But in about May of 2002, it began to change, man. I won't go into the details or rehash my divorce or anything like that, but ever since then I haven't wanted to be around other people. I never wanted to be around others because I either didn't want to face what was going on or I didn't want to talk about it. At any rate, I felt uncomfortable around everybody, especially those I was close to. And to tell you the truth, I feel like I never really got that comfort level back, man. I've felt awkward, and like an outsider everywhere I've been, no matter how much the people I was surrounded by loved and accepted me.

OK - now that I got that established, I realized that in a very meaningful way, I had totally lost my identity; I felt like the guy I was before my divorce had died.

So, since then I've been able to make some pretty good (and necessary) changes regarding my identity. Since my divorce:

A) I no longer derive my identity from my occupation
B) I no longer derive my identity from who I'm in a relationship with
C) I no longer derive my identity from what I'm struggling with

So, that leaves me with this issue, and that's this: with only a slightly more intellectual than emotional knowledge of who I am in Christ, I'm struggling to find my own identity; my own personality, etc.

While I know who *I* am in Christ, I feel like I don't know who *I* am. I've spent so much of my life deriving my identity from other sources that I'm not sure who I am without the input of others.

And....that's why I feel like I'm still uncomfortable around others, because I still (often) feel pretty uncomfortable with myself, or at least like I don't know how to act. I mean, generally speaking, don't you act according to your own personality, which is derived from you own internal core values and likes, dislikes, and peccadilloes?

Or, to put it another way, when you feel like you've had to completely wipe the slate clean of everything your core values told you about who you were, which direction(s) do you go when the slate is wiped clean and set to default with seemingly no direction whatsoever? I feel like I had a personality wash and now I don't have the one I used to, and even though I like the changes that have been made, I feel pretty devoid of the color (personality and comfort level around others) I used to have.

So that's where I am tonight, and I'm probably over thinking.

Thanks for reading, guys.

I don't know how to end without a number count.