3 Days Worth

Today I have three things I want to talk about, so I'll just start right in.

For every day you're not active in your addiction, it's in the parking lot doing push-ups.

I got to realize this on Wednesday. Now, as most of you know, I'm am a recovering sex addict, though that wasn't my only problem. Along with a bad anger/rage problem, a profound fear of abandonment, and big problems with codependency, I also had to deal with something called love addiction, which essentially means that I tended to enter and stay in relationships where the other person was toxic to me, and I was equally toxic for them, and was unable to break out of the cycle. this went undiagnosed for years, and it wasn't until after I went through the 12-steps of recovery that I was even able to begin to recognize that specific problem and get the help I needed for it. I've made a lot of progress on this particular front, and now I have a healthy, positive relationship where we connect at a heart level and are open and honest with each other about everything. However, the love addiction is still very much alive & well, quietly lurking in the background each and every day. Though I downplay it and don't talk about that one, it was probably one of the most destructive elements of my life.

But here's the deal with that one, man - just like the sex addiction, for every day I'm not actively engaged in acting out on that love addictive realm, it's still there, and if I choose to let myself head down that path again, I end up where I would have been had I not sought help in the first place.

This week, I ended up there twice.

Fortunately, I have a very supportive fiancee and a great therapist top lean on, as well as my CR small group. It was just a reminder that it never, ever stops.

OK - that was the first thing. Here's the second.

I'm still struggling with wanting to know things I can't; things that aren't my business and things that are beyond my control. I understand all the reasons I need to let the entire situation go intellectually, but at a heart level I still struggle with it. Last night was particularly bad, ending up with me crying pretty hard for longer than I wanted to, and I think Tuesday morning was rough, too. I can't go into any more detail here for a variety of reasons I also won't go into, but it's still very much a very hard-fought battle for me from time to time, and I don't always win. Fortunately, I don't fight it alone anymore, and Code Name Lifeline lives up to her name and helps me back out of the firing line and and helps me work through it. She knows the whole story and she's fair to all sides, and generally realigns me back where I need to be, all while being real with me and sharing her heart, too. She struggles with it sometimes, too. Afterwards we pray together about it and for everybody involved, and we can rest a little easier knowing that God's taking care of everyone in the mix, even when we can't. She made the point last night that it's hardwired in both of our natures to help people - you can even see that in the lines of work we've been in (fire, police, EMS), and it's very hard for both of us to step away and not try to help, even if that's how we can help the most.

OK - that's the second thing. Here's the third.

Last night was a difficult night with Code Name Diamond. I am notorious for giving that girl too much power and making her responsible for too much. I've been told that many times before, and it's been pointed out to me that she's still very young, and she needs and craves structure, and doesn't need to feel the responsibility of making some of the decisions that adults should generally be the ones to make. I get that - I really do.

I figured that letting her choose which restaurant we eat at is generally pretty harmless, and it usually makes her happy, and to my way of thinking she feels like she has some input and it boosts her self-confidence and makes her feel like she's a valuable part of the family.

Or course, last night it fell apart.

When we picked her up, she immediately said that she wanted Cici's, and we told her that we couldn't go to Cici's, citing time issues, but not citing the fact that Toni and I already had pizza twice this week, and I if eat Cici's again anytime soon I might hurl. Code Name Diamond wasn't happy with this development, but seemed to forget about it once we went swimming. Afterwards, though, it was time to eat before I returned her to her Mom's.

We offered to take her to Chicken Express, Sonic, McDonalds, Taco Bell, Taco Bueno, Braums, Jack-in-the-Box, Pizza Express, Whataburger, Wendy's, Subway, Long John Silvers, KFC, Popeye's and few others. After a long, protracted, and increasingly tense conversation, she finally selected Waffle House. Say what you want about her choice, but she finally picked something. Upon entering the restaurant, she promptly refused to eat anything on the menu. Upon being advised that this was the restaurant that she had chosen, and that there would not be any further offers, nor would there be another opportunity to be fed by me this night, she became increasingly intractable and upset. After ten minutes of convincing, cajoling, persuading her to eat, and advising her of the consequences of her choices and her actions, I finally made the call to abort the operation and let her suffer the consequences. We left without ordering, and I advised her that I would deliver her to her Mom, and that I would be informing her mother that she had steadfastly refused to eat and that I would be returning her early, which I did.

At this point she immediately reversed her stance and began promising that she'd order something, and that she indeed wanted to eat there, but by that time I had made my decision and I felt like I couldn't reverse it, because I believed that would allow her (from her perspective) to regain control of the situation, and I didn't want her to think that. I think it was a power-struggle issue, and I can't let her win those, man. It sends the wrong message - she needs a strong father she respects, not a pushover, and as faulty as I am, I'm the only biological dad she's got.

As it was 30 minutes before her regular drop-off time, her Mom was shopping at Target, and we arranged for her to be dropped off there. Upon reaching the store, we began working our way through Target. When we reached the jewelry counter, I stopped her, crouched down, looked in Code Name Diamond little blue eyes and after telling her that I was sorry the evening had ended like this, I told her that I loved her, and that I loved her just like she was, and that I would always love her no matter what, and that there was never anything she could ever say or do that would make me stop loving her. We held hands the entire time before I delivered her to her Mom, who was appropriately sympathetic. I don't know what happened after that.

I hate nights like that, man. I want her to remember the time she spends with me as good times, not that. I guess it's being a parent, though, huh? That bothered me pretty badly for about two hours, and I'm still not happy about it today, even if it was the right decision.

Anyway, I have CR tonight, and a lot of packing to do afterwards and all weekend, as I move Saturday. I gotta get back to work. Thanks for reading guys. See you all on Monday.

197

PS - all of the aforementioned imagery of kilt-wearing ass-kickers at the wedding is glorious.

Yesterday & Today

I've been slammed at work & doing other important stuff, like packing, getting ready to move, wedding stuff, etc.

You know how it is.

Anyway, I didn't get near a computer yesterday, and I only have about 10 minutes left on this one before I have to jet again. Rest assured I'll be here tomorrow with three days worth of epiphanies. Or at least something slightly entertaining.

Anyway, that's it. Sorry for flaking out on you guys for two days.

Have a cat. And a Panda. And a Glock.





See you guys tomorrow.

196

Just to clarify....

.... because I've gotten an e-mail or two about it.

The security (aka "the wedding bouncer") and the off-duty cop have nothing whatsoever to do with a person that used to post anonymously on this blog. It's completely due to an entirely unrelated issue and has nothing to do with the aforementioned person in any way.

I just wanted to clarify that, as it's not fair to allow any of you guys to proceed under any kind of false, unjust or inappropriate notion at the expense of another's good name, character or reputation.

Also, the lack of comments on my previous entry lead me to beleive I have given you guys too much of a peek at my inner psyche (and the amount of apocalyptic paranoia that dwells there) and it's either rendered you guys speechless or afraid to respond.

You're welcome :-)

Carry on.

DNC / RNC conventions - I just don't care, man. Not one bit. A buddy of mine says "I'm voting for the candidate I'm most apathetic about" and another says "I can't even work enough interest to claim apathy"

Nice job, RNC. Nice job. Thanks for weeding out every single good candidate and giving us McCain.

I've never been so dissapointed at the choice of candidates. (I wil say this, though - if Obama wins, it will prove to me that collectively, America is pretty stupid regarding national security, and will fit into my theory about America losing it's status as a super-power nation, putting us behind Russia (who's been awfully squirrley lately) & China (who still has pics of Chairman Mao prominently displayed because they're communists - remember?) and setting up the end of the world in 2012 or 2013 or whenever it is like the Mayans and the Christmas Star guy predicted.

I'm still gonna try to get my dream house built before then, though - maybe some non-believer who gets left behind after the rapture can use it, as they'll need all the help they can get. And if it turns out I'm theologically incorrect and we're what the old-school church goers call "post-trib" I'm gonna want that house. It'll be crazier than zombies, man.

I stand by my tinfoil hat assertions.

What else? Work is trying to pick up a little, which is good. Code Name Diamond had a great first day in second grade.

I feel pretty good today, despite a really weird dream I had last night. It'll wear off a few more hours.

My recovery is strong today. Good news.

Meh - I'm reaching now, so I'll wrap it up. I shall close out a weird blog with a weird picture.



Think of a billion of these invading the world in 2012. Or 2013. Or whenever. Carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, jailing protesters, faking fireworks and entering underaged gymnasts in the Olympics.

Think about it, people.

194

Monday Again

Today I feel like I'm in a weird place and I'm not sure where to go with it, so I'll just start writing and see where I end up.

You ever want to know about something but you (really) can't ask? I have one of those this morning, a particularly strong one for a variety of reasons, and I can't do anything about it except sit here and not know, which I hate. All I can do is pray about it, which I still do. It's still a compulsive need to know I still struggle with, and I have to force myself to release that form of control (which it is) back to God and let Him handle it, which I don't always like. It stresses e out, not knowing, and erodes my serenity, which can put me on dangerous ground from time to time. I hate that.

I also hate feeling this way about this on it's own, though I can't go into detail here, which I also hate. Confused? Me, too.

There's been some interest in the house, but it's coming down to the wire pretty quick here. Somebody's gotta step up & buy it fast, though if they don't I've made my peace with it. This week I'm packing the garage - it's about all I have left.

I guess Saturday night was the last night Code Name Diamond will going to spend in her little pink room. I'm kind of sad about that. Next time she comes over she'll have a her new room in the apartment. That makes my heart a little heavy, man, though I'm not sure why.

The wedding stuff seems to be coming together nicely. On Saturday I got fitted for a kilt, and we got engagement pics (which I'm looking forward to seeing) and a little shopping done yesterday. I'm looking forward to all of it, and I'm looking forward to all of it being over, too, and getting on with the actual marriage part of it.

We've dumped almost all of our unnecessary furniture, I think. If any of you cats wants an elliptical machine let me know. It's going to be a quick and easy move, albeit one with too damn many stairs. I hope it'll have cooled off some by then. The 70's would be nice.

I've got to finish making the invitations and send 'em out. We went hog-wild and registered at Walmart, with a few things at Kohl's. Truth be told, we didn't need much, I don't think. Once the official invites are sent, there'll be some repercussions we'll have to deal with, but we'll have a police officer on-scene in addition to our own private "wedding bouncer" to ensure that things go smoothly and without interruption or any unpleasantness. I am not going to let her wedding be disrupted or let anything happen that's going to cause her stress on her special day.

Work is starting to (slowly) pick up. I have to make a trip to Lewisville, though - I can't get the gas I need here (Mapp/Pro) in Roanoke until next week.

Curses.
Bah.
Feh.

OK - that's it for today, I guess. See you guys tomorrow.

193

Good Friday

And it IS!

I got a nice order in this morning, despite us having some temporary problems with our phone & fax lines. I had to post my pay-by-the-minute cell phone number on our website so I can talk to customers for the rest of the day, and maybe on Monday. It'll be several weeks before I can collect on it, but it's still NICE to get the business, especially after the past three months. It's like the end of the drought is beginning to near, even if it's still gonna be a little while longer. Still no paycheck today, but right now I'm just so happy to get this order I don't care.

I can't talk much today because I have Code Name Diamond in tow and I feel compelled to spend my time with her, but I complain so much here I wanted to share some good news with you guys for a change. You guys deserve to get in on the good stuff, too. We're having a fun day today already. Code Name Diamond is busy scoring fistfulls candy from the other two offices in the building, so she's happy as a clam.

I'm giving away 99% of my Halloween props before I move, as I can't bring it all with me. If anybody wants a seven-foot coffin containing a monster skeleton constructed of cow bones wired together let me know - I'd like to see it go to a good home :-) I'll even deliver it if you're close. I'm keeping my smoke machine, though. You never know when you'll need a smoke machine.

I feel very much less stressed today. I appreciate everybody's good thoughts & prayers. I know they're working.

OK - that's all for today. You guys have a great weekend, and I'll see on Monday.

Pony - how do you get a writing gig?
Chuck - thanks, bro.

190

Thursday

I can't remember the last time I went this long without being paid. This is no-shit awful. It might be a record. Man - love may make the world go 'round, but I think money makes the gears turn. Thank goodness the internet connection is the last thing to go, huh? I have to confess - I'm a little stressed today. And a little bitter.

As much as I love Toni, I hate that weddings cost money. Facilities. Rings. Pictures. Licenses. Even if you're trying to do all of it as financially responsibly as you can, it can get on your nerves, especially when you're as broke as I am. When you don't have any money, there's not much difference between $10, $100 and $1000 - at the end of the day, you don't have any of it, so it doesn't matter.

Today I'm bent that marriage licenses went up to $67 dollars, unless you can prove that you went to a state-approved pre-martial counseling class, in which case it's only $7. Ironically, Pathways (of which I remain a steadfast advocate of) offers such a course called Relationship Rich, which I know would be an awesome course, but I think will cost us about $250 or so, thereby making not economically viable at this time. I do want us to go through that class someday, though.

I have to confess this; I caught myself wondering "what if" this morning - what if I had gone through Pathways while I was still married, or what if I had gone through the Relationship Rich program while in another relationship? Might I still be with either of them? I think Pathways could have probably saved my marriage, and maybe Relationship Rich could have saved that relationship, too. I'll never know, though, ya know? The only answer I have to those questions is this - God's will, plan and timing is always better than my own, and I might not (probably wouldn't?) be where I am today (and who I'm with today) had either of those thing occurred. I guess that's why they say you shouldn't live in the past and spend a lot of time wondering "what if". I don't think anything good ever comes of that, and it takes away from the joy that God intends for us to live in today. Overall, I'm happy today, and I wouldn't be where I am today had God had a different plan for me than the one He's given me so far. As rough as parts of it were, I wouldn't change a thing.

And be not fooled - I love Toni with all my heart, and I mean it when I say I wouldn't change a thing.

Anyway, I've been doing follow-up calls with the bars this morning, and trying to get some work stuff and some wedding stuff done, too. And I should probably actually propose at some point, too. And I'd still like to have some kind of "honeymoon", too, even if it's only the weekend to someplace close.

No new word on the house. I need a good fire.

Tonight is "Meet the Teacher" night at Code Name Diamond's school. I'm dressed to her specifications so as not to "embarrass" her, which is her new thing. I blame TV for this development.

Speaking of development, the kittens (mostly Timone) are in an especially annoying stage of development. It's like having a tumbling, rolling, climbing round tornado of yellow and orange fighting monkeys in a constant state of chaotic fury. Additionally, it is very, very evident that Timone possess a handful of qualities that, while separate, are quite desirable, but when combined can prove to be quite a terrible concoction in any pet, especially a cat.

A) Intelligence
B) Athleticism
C) Aggression (though playful)

I swear, if he was dumb, and athletic and aggressive he'd be easy to control because he'd be too stupid to figure things out. If he was smart & athletic but lazy he'd be no problem because he wouldn't be into EVERYTHING. If he was aggressive and intelligent he wouldn't be a problem because he'd lack the physical ability to cause any real turmoil. Unfortunately, he's all muscle, has the energy of a nuclear reactor, and is at least as smart as a monkey. If he was evil by nature I might have to sleep with my gun. Ironically, Timone was the runt of the litter.

Pumba is much more docile, a little clumsier, perhaps not dangerously bright and a lot prettier. He and Oscar, who is much older, seem to have bonded pretty well. I think Oscar keeps Pumba out of trouble, while Timone, lacking any kind of mentor relationship, is left to his own devices and suffers from a lack of the appropriate guidance necessary to keep him out of trouble.

The past few days I've been a little twitchy with my addiction; I still have days where it still wants to be let back in the door, I guess. I still have some memories I haven't replaced yet and I haven't been able to shake, but having over two years in recovery makes it tolerable and I have the tools necessary to stand solid. The hitting the 6-month mark has helped, too. It's still an everyday thing, even if it's mostly an awareness nowadays and not necessarily an actual struggle or an all-out fight, thought those still do occur from time to time. Every day, man.

One day at a time.

Ok - think that's it for today.

189

Can't blog - busy.

Have a cat ;-)


188

Can

Ugh

It's only Tuesday. So far this week.....

I'm overdrawn on three of my six accounts. Ugh.

All I'm buying is food, and cheap food at that, especially since I only have a tiny little refrigerator now. I have about two days left of food at the house and then I'm back to hitting up my parents for meals. Ugh - I feel like if If I'm gonna be this broke I at should least have blown it all on whores and cocaine. At least then the "how I got here" would match the "where I am" part. Ugh.

ZERO luck landing a second job as a bouncer. It seems that NOBODY in Denton or Tarrant counties needs any help in this field. I can't even tell you the number of places I've applied. Ugh.

Note: The reason that I'm trying to stick with the bouncer gig is threefold:

1) It doesn't interfere with my visitation with Code Name Diamond
2) It doesn't interfere with my working my regular job
3) It's a field I can generally pick up a quick gig in - albeit not this time.

I had a disheartening conversation with the mortgage company yesterday. It ended like this.

Mortgage guy: "So you are working, you are trying to get a second job, you house is listed on MLS and has been for several months, you have dropped the price on the house three times, and you've sold your bed, your refrigerator, and most of your furniture. Well, it seems that you're doing all you can do, but unfortunately, these collection calls will continue, and your breach letter expires on September 9th, at which time you'll begin going into foreclosure, and an inspector will be coming out to verify the property hasn't been abandoned. Is there anything else I can help you with this afternoon, Mr. Scott?"

Ugh.

Now truthfully, at this point I don't care anymore. I almost stated to laugh. Now the only thing I hate about the collection calls is that I have to repeat the same story every other day or so. I might tape it and just play my little spiel back to them next time.

On a good note, I know my realtor is furiously trying to sell the house at this point, He held it open on Sunday, and he's having an open houses this weekend, too. I think he realizes that if it goes under he won't make anything. I feel bad for him in that regard - he's a good guy. I wish there was more I could do to help sell it. You know what, though? It's gonna be a great bargain for some other family to live in someday soon.

Last night I was sitting on my back porch smoking (hey- I get one small vice) and looking out at what is my backyard (for at least a few more weeks.) I was saddened at the though that this is mine, this little patch of ground is mine, and I'm about to see it go one way or another. It made me a little sad. I felt better after two cigarettes, though, and came in, took my Ambien and went to sleep. Although nothing has improved today, I feel pretty well rested, even for spending another night on the couch.

And, of course, I didn't get paid. After a while, it gets discouraging, but I know it's coming, man. I know it's coming.

Even all of this financial hell is going to end one of these days, and that end is coming, too. I know it is. It's coming, and it's just around the corner. I know it's coming.

I was going to write more, but I've yapped too much today, and I have to get back to work.

Yeah, and it don't stop, 'cause it's 187 on the undercova cop.

(That will be funny to precisely one of you.)

See you guys tomorrow.

Just real quick, and I don't meant to start anything, but....

Another blog I visit regularly had an anonymous commenter that signed "the not really anonymous, Anonymous"

I figure this was one of two things.

#1) The poster was actually well-known to the blog's author and was commenting with the full knowledge and/or consent and/or in conjunction with the author, and the comment was a "wink" from the poster to the author, as they were already talking offline anyway. This seems vastly more likely to us. However.....


#2) It was a thinly-veiled jab at somebody that has posted here Anonymously on occassion. If this was the case, both Toni (who originaly pointed this out to me) and I feel it was a cheap, wholly unnecessary shot at somebody that didn't have it coming. The original Anonymous poster certainly doesn't need our help at defending them, but all the same we both felt they were worth standing up for if they were indeed being wrongly poked at.

If we're way off (and we very well may be on this one) please accept out most humble apologies.

We just didn't want to let a chance to stand up for somebody that deserved to be stood up for go by without addressing it if it needed to be said.

Carry on.

Ian & Toni

Monday's is really, really short.

I'm short on time and I still have a lot to do. but I do want to make it a point to say this, on behalf of all of America.



Alicia Sacramone - I saw the vault competition, and how you could lose to two girls who fell is beyond my comprehension. You got screwed, little sister. You got screwed. You did your family, your friends, and your country proud, no matter how stupidly the judges scored you.

I have more to say about the cats, my knee, the wedding, my lovely fiancee and a few other things, but I'm outta time for today.

186.

Friday's Roundup

Yes - the kittens have discovered toilet paper. We can no longer keep it on the roll, no matter which way we face it. Somehow, in their kitten voodoo ways, they figured out a way to unroll it even if it's kept in the underhand position. One of them a shaman or something, I swear. I blame Pumba - he's the quiet one.

You know - I'm a little envious of the cat & the kittens. Especially the kittens. To them, their whole life is a game; a free-for-all where they play all day long without a care in the world. No worries about money, food, relationships, housing, shelter - everything is a grand game, or a challenge to overcome, or an obstacle to circumvent, and they seem giddily happy to engage. That's something to covet a little, I think. Oddly enough, I think that's a pretty good image of what God wants for us in a way. I think it's harder for us sometimes, though.

I bought one of those laser pointers for $2.50 at Walmart last night. With three cats (and two of them kittens) hilarity ensued. One flag, my ass.


So last night we went to register for our wedding stuff at Kohl's and Walmart - and now I need to go and remove about 50% of what we registered at Kohl's for because we found the same (or better stuff) at Walmart for substantially less. We didn't register for much at all, really.

While we were in Walmart, one of the employees was having some kind of domestic dispute with his apparent girlfriend. He looked all of about 19, and had his the collar of his shirt up and his little baseball cap on sideways, every bit the cocky, arrogant white kid I (unfortunately) despise upon sight, mostly because that used to be me. Anyway, his girlfriend had busted him in a lie about being with another girl, and he was trying to weasel his way out of it (which I also can spot a mile away because I was a pro weasel, too) and when that didn't work he went down the car audio aisle and turned up the stereo really loudly (to obnoxious gangsta rap, I might add, because apparently he's from the mean streets of Trophy Club) so he wouldn't have to talk to her anymore. When that didn't work, he started cussing her, saying F-you and calling her a bitch. What a jerk, man. Toni tried to talk to her to make sure she was OK (and I was hoping against hope he'd do something squirrley to Toni so I could thump him senseless and give him the beating that he so richly deserved - and that I also deserved at that age) but the girl didn't want any help - she said everything was OK.

Uh-huh. When is it ever OK for somebody to call you a bitch in public, honey? That's a dead giveaway that it's not OK at all.

Anyway, we did the best thing we could think of, and called the manager and let him know that his employee was using abusive and profane language against his girlfriend loud enough that his customers could hear it. He quieted down after that, but I sure hated to see all of that play out, ya know? It was sad, and it made me angry to see a girl verbally abused like that. What kind of stuff does he pull when nobody else is around? I think both of 'em could a time-out.

OK - back on track.

When we got back, I went outside to water my trees. They are, by the way, coming with me if I lose the house, even though they'll be a bear to dig up. Anyway, after I had watered them, I stood there watching then water drip from the leaves and patter onto the wet earth below and I felt a profound sense of calm & serenity. I wanted to watch that and listen to that sound all night. I think I need to water my trees every night.

We're hitting snags with planning the wedding, but they're little ones; venue, timing, etc. It's become a little less traditional a little every week, but I couldn't be happier. It's all about the marriage - not the wedding. The wedding party will only have six folks, including the bride & groom, and we're cancelling any kind of formal rehearsal dinner. I think we might just go to Babe's instead. I also have an offical "Wedding Bouncer" too, which I am quite delighted about. :-)

I'm having another "open house" this weekend, on both Saturday & Sunday. We'll see what happens.

At some point in my sleep last night I rolled over onto my glasses (I've been sleeping on a pallet on the floor since I sold my bed) and mashed my glasses. I can fix 'em, but it's a lousy way to wake up. I have to re-evaluate when I take my Ambien to help me sleep. Once I pop that pill I'm pretty much out for the next 8 hours. I was hoping to get some kind of weird somnambulism effects, but I got nothing interesting except a good nights sleep, which I guess is even better, though not as much fun.

I'm getting to ship out several orders today, which will mean some more money coming in shortly. It's quite a relief. No news on the second (paying) job yet, though :-(

We finally got some rain today, and it was only 76 when I drove into work. It's a nice break from the heat. Know what else will be a relief? Having my housing costs drop from over $2300 a month to $400. That'll be a HUGE relief, I'll tell you what. Good GAWD - that'll make my life so much easier, man. Moving day is Sept 6th. Hopefully it won't be too hot. I shall provide ice-cold Shiner & hot pizza to anybody that wants to help, and trust me - it'll be a fast, short & very organized move. I'm already 25% packed already.

OK - that was a lot longer than I thought it'd be.

CR tonight, than a lot of packing afterwards.

Oh - and feel free to take Pony's suggestion and caption that last pic from yesterday's post. It's too funny to pass up ;-)

183 - OOOOH! I get to pick up my 6-month chip tonight. Cool!

See you guys on Monday - and have a great weekend.

The knee story

Today I'm doing really well. I went to church last night and worked security for the weekly youth group event. It includes both jr. high & high school. I got to know a few of the kids a little, and I'm really looking forward to continuing. I had a lot of fun, and it was a sorely needed break from my regular routine of doing nothing.

I sold the loft bed yesterday to a nice family from Florida who didn't know what coyotes were. We explained and I thin they understood. Apparently, they're the Lone Star version of alligators, but are a little noisier at night. All I have left is the sleeper sofa and I think I'll have sold it all.

I've been using a little dorm-type mini-fridge to keep my essentials in (water, bacon, etc). I cleaned it furiously, and now when I close it I get this whiff of really clean, cold air. It's wonderful.

So, before I post the pics, here's what happened to my knee.

Sunday night was our last softball game of the season. We played at 8 PM, and it was the perfect night for playing. It was warm with a nice breeze, and the park was light with the stadium lights, making the grass greener and the rust colored earth more beautiful. When I finally stepped up to bat, I swing at a high, outside pitch and managed drive it into right field and get myself to first base before they ball. The next hitter popped a short one between first & the pitcher, so I bolted like a jackrabbit towards second. Fortunately, somebody bobbled the catch just enough for me to slide safely into second under a tremendous cloud of dust, and by the time they second baseman had realized I was safe and threw it to first, our runner was already there. I scored a run on the next pitch and hit home plate badly out of breath. Unfortunately, we would lose a four point lead in the 6th inning and never get it back. Bad defense lost that one for us, but we had fun anyway.

Well, all of that to tell you this. When I slid into second, I tore a lot of the skin off of my left knee and ground the wound full of dirt. I guess that's why the pros wear pants. Anyway, after trying futilely to clean the dirt out on Sunday night, I decided I'd give it a day or so to heal on it's own, which was a mistake. By Tuesday it was very swollen, still full of dirt, and starting to get infected. Toni cleaned it out for me (one the benefits to being engaged to a paramedic, huh?) and listened to me cuss and squall like a scalded cat during the entire time before dressing the wound with - you guessed it - a maxi-pad covered with Neosporin. It worked like a charm, and now it's healing nicely. Anyway, here's the pics. Try to imagine how bad it was 5 days ago - much larger, and stuffed full of red dirt.







God Bless Kotex, man.

Anyway, that's about it for today. I have to get back to work & pick up Diamond as soon as I can, and we have some more wedding prep to do as well. I still have to pack, and I still have to make some collection calls, and I still have to re-print some cards, and I still have to......

Well, I gotta go. See you guys tomorrow.

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No Blog today

too short on time.
had meltdown.
better now.
knee pics tomorrow.

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Tuesday

I don't have much new or exciting today. My knee is substantially better, thanks to a good cleaning, a lot of peroxide, a long, hot soak in an Epsom salts bath, and about a bucket of Neosporin. Today I have it wrapped in a maxi pad and an ace bandage because I don't have any band-aids that are big enough. Hey - if it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. (Murphy's Law of Combat #6) I also discovered I'm kind of a whiner when it comes to me being in pain, and I'm a bad patient.

I was going to write a tribute to my buddy Nate today, as he's moving back to Pennsylvania, but I want a few more days to think about it. I've got it 75% written in my head, but I want a little while longer.

I'm still selling stuff out on Craigslist, and hopefully I won't have much of anything to move. I've already thrown out one entire garbage bag of just plain trash from the kitchen so far, and I still have a lot more to sort, pack and /or throw out. This is going to be a very light trip, and I'm only taking the necessities. By the way - a lot of folks on Craigslist either aren't too bright and/or cannot follow simple instructions. I should have expected this, but I didn't.

I have to call the mortgage company today and see how what kind of options I have. Today I'm looking at something called a deed-in-lieu of foreclosure. We'll see, but I'm not hopeful. I have to call my realtor in a minute, too.

Geez - now I'm all discouraged. I'm done for today.

180.

*** UPDATE ***

The zipper on my shorts blew out, so now I can't zip up my pants anymore.

Curses.

*** Oh - update again. ***

I'm having ZERO luck finding a second job.


*** Update #3 ***

I am now officialy in a horrible mood.

Monday

On Friday somebody came to see the house, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I've already started packing, and selling off all the furniture I'm not bringing with me. So far I've sold all of my bedroom furniture, my refrigerator (I brought home one of my little office fridges to hold me over until I move), my leather couch & seat, and a table & some chairs (not the ones that used to belong to my grandmother, though). I still have a few items left to go - if I'm moving up three flights of stairs I'm taking as little with me as possible. So far the only thing I really miss is the ice maker.

Friday night at Celebrate Recovery was AWESOME! It was just what I needed, exactly when I needed it. There's a little piece of Christian prose entitled "The Rag Man" - I'd heard it before, but man, oh man - if you listen with your heart it's a powerful thing, and thanks to a lot of people, I was able to really hear that story from at a heart level, and it was good.

Over the weekend I saw an former acquaintance of mine. Twice, actually. Nothing interpersonal or anything, just two sightings on different occasions in the same weekend. From what I could tell, they looked pretty happy, and I was happy that they were happy. I'm proud of them, and am very glad they appear to be doing OK. I guess I'm a little relieved, too, ya know? I know I'm not responsible for anybody's happiness, nor is this person incapable of being happy without me around or without my assistance (in fact, they're probably a lot better off without me near 'em, honestly) but it made me feel good to actually see that God is continuing to take care of 'em without me. I just felt better seeing it, I guess.

I've got a sleeper sofa that I recently inherited from my uncle that Audrey loves. I told her that we could bring it with us, but I'm going to have to find a way out of that. I hate breaking my word to my daughter, but it's simply too damn heavy to shove up all of those stairs, and it's just NOT going to fit in her room. I think I'm probably going to cash in my noble father card and buy her something small to pacify her. Overall, she's taking the move pretty well. As long as all the cats (and all of her toys) come with us she's pretty flexible. In the meantime, I need to find a good home for it.

Sunday I had an "open house" for the Realtors & potential home-buyers to see the casa, but nobody came. I spent the entire afternoon watching "Red Dawn" with Code Name Lifeline, which is how I prefer to spend Sunday afternoons, anyway. I got no complaints. We're slowly putting our wedding together, bit by bit. It'll be really nice, I think, and I'm looking forward to being married to her. How many guys can say they're marrying their best friend?

Last night was our final softball game of the year, and I had my best game ever. I got a good base hit, and managed to score a run. I also managed to scrape the almighty crap out of my left leg sliding into second, and next season I'm not playing in shorts. It hurts a little today still, mostly because it's a good road rash stuffed with dirt. You know what, though? Totally worth it. I need to get in better shape, though - seriously.

HAH - and I get to say "I scored last night" without having to start my count over.

No news on the litigation front. I'm hoping it's still in the "blowing over" phase, but it's not like I can actually ask, ya know?

I have an interview with one of the ministry leaders at church to see if I can work security for the high school ministry when they have events at church. I'm looking forward to doing that. Not so much going back to work as bouncer, though.

This morning I was thinking this - can Satan put thoughts or ideas into your head (like dreams, etc?) even though he can't tell what you're thinking, or is it just our own sinful nature doing what it does, and he just takes advantage of that? Either way, I wish he'd take a flying leap most of the time.

OK - I think that's just about it for today. Thanks for reading, guys.

179 - one day away from my six-month mark and my yellow chip. Yay!

No blog today, guys. No reason, other than I have a lot to do and not much time, and I have a potential buyer coming to view the house in a few hours.

Also, "The Shining" (the Jack Nicholson / Stanley Kubrick version) is scary as all hell. I kind of regret that one.

I gotta go clean. It's gonna be a great weekend! See you guys on Monday!

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Not much new going on today. I have a few orders that need to go out, but I'm still waiting for some materials to arrive. In the meantime, I'm working on miscellaneous wedding stuff; music, guest list, photography, trying to figure out if/when we can have a honeymoon (or not), all that fun stuff.

And when I get done with all of that I'm gonna pick up Code Name Diamond early & have a fun night with her. I'm looking forwad to telling the the good news, too.

OK - that's all for today.

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Oh, man.

What to write about today.....

Well, how about this?



Toni and I getting married on Saturday, October 18th, 2008.

We'll be getting married in a very cozy venue in Roanoke. It will be a very, very small event with immediate family & very close friends only, with about 40 people attending. We'd love to invite all of you guys, but we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and we just can't afford it. The Honorable J.W. Hand (aka Uncle J) has graciously agreed to officiate, and we couldn't be more pleased.

I know I'm taking a risk by posting this here, but at the end of the day, the amount of fallout I (and we) are sure to endure can't compare to the good news.

The early friends and family response has already been overwhelmingly positive, and we both sincerely appreciate your love and your support.

There has, unfortunately, only been one individual (who shall remain nameless) who has not taken the good news as well as I had hoped, and now appears determined bring legal action against me involving Code Name Diamond. I'm hoping after the initial shock of the news wears off, this person will be restored to their generally rational, kind, pleasant and pastoral nature, and this will blow over and the relationship will be restored to it's natural and very agreeable state. In the past, once the shock has worn off, emotions have cooled, passions have subsided, rational thought resumes it's natural place and all becomes well again. In the past, that's generally been the pattern, and I hope this pattern continues. Otherwise, the rest of you guys have been absolutely wonderful so far.

Anyway, that's a pretty big one for today. I have to get back to work now.

More to come.

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HAH! and then I found this.

The internet has redeemed itself once again.

You ever have one of those days that you wish you could just skip?

Today I have nothing going on.

Nothing at work. I'm dead in the water until some more materials come in. No phone calls. Not even collectors. I have a few e-mails to answer, but that's it. After that, I literally have nothing to do, but I'm going to sit up here alone until 5 anyway, just in case.

I don't have anything exciting planned for tonight, either. I might start packing.

I've put in for a few bouncer jobs but it looks like I have a few weeks before I'm added to the staff; school's still out until then. It'll be nice to have a second job to go to, and even nicer to have a paycheck every other week. Going to that company PO box and seeing it empty for days on end is pretty discouraging.

Well, that's it.

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Just for Brando....

I made some quick captions for last weeks pics. Enjoy!

Realizations from the Weekend

So this weekend I was taking stock of my house, my furniture, what stays (very little), what goes (most of it), etc when I realized something.

I've had that house for over five years, and if you added it all up, I only have a few days worth, and maybe a few weeks worth, of happy memories in that house.

In every room there's a painful memory, or one that now I'm ashamed of.

The front living area was where I first saw the mess that was left over after my wife had finally moved out - that's been burned into my memory like a branding iron. The upstairs bedrooms? Where my then-wife stayed moved to and isolated herself while our marriage died. The room of the daughter that I've lost so much time with - empty 99% of the time. The upstairs game room where a family and more children never materialized to play together. The back yard and porch where I drunkenly screamed at and cursed God. The front yard where I drank myself into a stupor the night I signed the divorce papers. The patched drywall and doors where I drove my fist through them, and the indelible knuckle marks on the metal of the front door. My bedroom (where I smashed all my furniture in a fit of rage) and my bathroom are still carry memories I can't shake years later, memories I'm now ashamed of and actions I regret, though I know I've been forgiven for. That house was home to my divorce, my excruciating, even more painful breakup with another woman I loved very much, and was witness to my wallowing in and acting out an appalling, shameful and heinous addiction. It was in that house that I screamed at people I love very much, and threw things in anger. I bottomed out there, man.

A lot.

And now I think I want to get away from the location that's seen so much hurt. It'll be nice to move to a new place that has a clean slate.

I do have a few good memories that nobody can take away. Playing "Ball Fight" with my daughter in the stairwell is probably my number one, seconded by racing tricycles down the driveway. Building a side deck with Code Name Diamond & Toni was fun, too, and so was tossing the softball with my daughter in the front room & upstairs this weekend. Giving her little baths in the tub is something I'll take, too. Aside from a party or two and having a few friends over for dinner, I think I might just leave the rest.

I also realized this week that I've stubbornly held onto the notion that the house was all God could do for me; that that house had to be God's best for me. I realized this weekend that God can do better if He wants to, so I think I'll let Him, and thank Him for giving me a place of shelter for the past five years. And maybe God wants to see the financial pressure off of me a little, too. I know I wouldn't want my kid being ground down a little every day by that.

This week I'm going to try to unload the house for whatever I can get for it (even at a loss) before the foreclosure clock runs out and I get slapped with it. If you guys are the praying sorts, any assistance you feel the Lord could give me in this area would be much appreciated, but I'm now willing to take the hit, because I know God can work His will and bring great things from something terrible. God's bigger than a foreclosure, ya know?

Anyway, that's it for today. See you guys tomorrow.

172

Totally worth it.

I know I'm broke.
I know I'm about to lose my house to foreclosure.
I know I'm behind on all my bills.
I know I'm badly in debt.

I know, I know, I know.

But last night we went to Rockin' Rodeo and saw Charlie Robison, and I got to dance at a country music bar for the first time in my life. I had five Shiners (Toni drove) and I sang along at the top of my lungs when he played "Hometown". I came home smelling like cigarette smoke and fell asleep at almost two this morning.

It was great, and I don't have a single regret. It was fun, and I loved every second of it.

Now, I'm not going to make a habit of this by any means. I'm not going to make a habit of spending money I don't have on unnecessary things, but I haven't been to a concert (that I wanted to go to) since I went to go see Stryper in 1989 during their "In God We Trust" tour, which got cancelled, leaving me, my brother and my buddy Eric stranded at the Fair Park Coliseum for four hours until our Dad came and picked us up after the show was supposed to end. And yeah - I had a few beers, too, which I'm now generally trying to avoid. I haven't had a drink in over a week, I think, and I figured it wouldn't kill me to have a few, so you guys don't get worried. I promise I'm not turning into an alcoholic - I have enough problems as is without picking up another monkey I'll eventually have to get off my back. The first one was bad enough, man.

One more thing before I wrap it up.

When I picked up Code Name Diamond from day care yesterday, she had made a little box house for the cats to play in. She had worked really hard on it, and had colored it and decorated it with fabric and little puffballs and I could tell she was really, really proud of it. She went on and on about how the kittens could lie in it and play in it and lay on the soft fabric, and when we got to my house we put in in the floor for the kittens (and Oscar) to investigate. This morning, I took these pictures, which I can't wait to show her tonight.










She's going to be proud - almost as proud as I am of her. I love my daughter, man.

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