Well, gosh - kind of a lot's happened since then.

A very quick update:

My three-week no-fight streak at the bar ended Saturday night. Pride + Alcohol + Undeserved Sense of Entitlement = Trouble. No injuries to either party.

My birthday, celebrated in a very low-key fashion, was absolutely wonderful. My wife and daughter made it a very special occasion. Special thanks to Jen for sending down three delicious T-bones from their ranch - they were awesome.

Recovery still going well, though (out of nowhere) I had a memory of an old experience - from a long time ago - wake up, say howdy and refuse to leave this morning. They say for every day you're not active in your addiction it's out in the parking lot doing push-ups. I suspect they're right.

This morning, Toni and I managed to run out of gas. I know, I know - rather stupid and totally avoidable. I get that part, I promise. However, while we were waiting for our assistance to arrive (about 20 minutes), only one guy stopped to help our of several dozen cars that passed, and that got us to thinking....

We're going to try something in the next few weeks. We're thinking about taking a bit of loose cash, parking on the side of the road and raising the hood in different parts of the surrounding towns, and paying the first driver who offers assistance a few dollars to reward their kindness before moving on. We will, of course, post our observations here. Thoughts?

That's about it for today, I guess. Thanks for reading :-)

640

pic courtesy of my Dad....

Tonight we went to see the new 3-D version of "A Christmas Carol", which, by the way, is NOT for very young children. Our daughter won't be seeing that one anytime soon. You know how it was originally written as a ghost story? They kept it that way, and in a spectacular and pretty scary fashion.

Anyway, tonight I'm very thankful to Toni for suggesting we go see that movie, as I feel 100% better about the holidays. I feel like I did a complete 180% turn. As goofy as it sounds, I needed to see that movie, and I think God knew that sitting in that theater with my wife would do me a world of good.

Anyway, there's not much else going on, except that I feel a lot better. I feel like I be happy again even if I'm broke, and I plan to be happy this Thanksgiving and this Christmas, starting with my 16 hour work day. If the Cratchit's can do it, so can I.

Thank you, Mr. Dickens.

636

Grumptastic

So...Thanksgiving is upon us, and I have to admit I just don't care all that much. For many of you, this is no shocker, as most holidays (with the exception of the 4th of July, though I hated that one for a while, too) are like this for me. Allow me to unpack this for you, if I may.

I acknowledge that this is indeed a essentially selfish attitude to have. While I begrudge nobody the delight of holidays, it tends to be a downer of sorts (at least that's how it's been explained to me) when my excitement level doesn't match that of those around me. I do try my best not to drag anybody else down with me in my apathy, but it's happened before, and it'll likely continue, as I have no real affinity for holidays anymore, and evidently 99% of the rest of the culture I exist in does.

For what it's worth, I'm the same way with my birthday, too. I like to do things for other people, but I dislike any additional attention on my own birthday. To me, it's just another day, and to my way of thinking, I haven't really done anything worth celebrating. I guess to me, survival isn't something you celebrate - it's just something you do to avoid dying while you try to eke out a living through whatever means you can. I suppose in theory it gives those around you a chance to celebrate your birth or something, and while I'm all for doing it for other people (my family, my kid, my wife, my friends, to whatever extent I'm financially able), I just don't want it done for me. I feel uncomfortable getting any kind of fuss made over me - does that make sense? I don't even like being told Happy Birthday. All I want is something to eat and a few minutes of peace and quiet and I'm happy. I'm not even particularly fond of having any money spent on me, either, especially since I'm in such dire financial straits, and right now anything but food seems like a wild extravagance. And I know to some that's sad, and I get that, but I don't ever see being able to break out of that mentality.

Anyway, this takes me to Thanksgiving. I suppose a lot of it has to do with my family being out of town (excuse me - the country), and that I'm putting in a 16+ hour work day. Aside from a bit of extra money, to me it's just another day. I get that it's a day to step back a reflect and be thankful for all the things that God has blessed me with, but when I go to bed at most every night, I thank God for giving my wife and my daughter and for a warm house to sleep in and enough food to eat that day. He knows I'm thankful. I don't think devoting a day to the equivalent of gluttony and then an afternoon sitting around watching TV or looking at pre-sale newspaper ads accomplishes anything of value. I might just be bitter and grouchy, though. That's a possibility, if not a likelihood.

I used to crazy love Halloween, but now I don't really get excited about it anymore. Mostly, I feel a sense of frustration at feeling forced to spend $20 on Halloween candy to avoid the guilt of feeling like a bad neighbor or a kid-hating grouch.

And Christmas. There's a lot I hate about Christmas, and oh - has it irritated people to no end, especially those Christmas loving people, whom I hold in the highest regard for their enthusiasm and commitment.

I hate that it evidently starts in September.
I hate the unbearable crush of marketing, advertising and hype.
I hate that everybody has a crappy Christmas special.

I hate not having enough money to by gifts for everybody I want to.
I hate having to give up our daughter for half of it; every year - forever.
I hate remembering all the times I was fighting with somebody I loved on Christmas, or some of the terrible things that happened to me around some of the holidays in past years. Some of that shit stays with you, ya know? It's hard to forget sometimes, no matter how hard you try.

Maybe that's it. I spent a lot of holidays fighting with whomever I was in a relationship with, man. My wife, girlfriend, whatever. Bad fights, too. I think one of the best Christmases I spent in recent memory was one that I spent in complete isolation; no contact with anybody, really - but no fighting, either.

I'm hoping that as the years go by I start to get some of that joy back that holidays are supposed to bring, but so far I'm just not bursting with it. I'm not hostile to wards any holiday in and of itself - I suppose I've just been worn down to neutral.

Anyway, that's it. No question, no answers, just a lot of words that accomplished little. Thanks for making it all to way to the end.

635

This still counts as Monday

You know something I don't like? When my actions have a negative effect on other around me, especially when I don't mean for them to. I suppose it comes back to this: we judge ourselves by our intentions, other judge us by our actions. I guess variation of that is that we tend to judge others by their actions. I think that's a Dr. Phil-ism, and whatever you may think about Dr. Phil I think he's right about that one. I always wanted people to judge me in my intentions, no matter how irresponsible, selfish, manipulative or just plain wrong my actions were. Pretty dysfunctional, huh? Yet that was the standard by which I wanted (and expected) others to judge me by - what I meant, not what I did.

For example, Toni's exhausted - completely - as she's fudged her sleep schedule to accommodate me as of late, and it's beginning to take it's toll on her, as it would on anyone. I don't know why I manage to get by with my charlie-foxtrot napping sessions with no real (and when I say "real" I mean "physical observable to me") negative effects, although our daughter has lost some quality time with us both today, as both Toni and I were dog-tired this morning. I finally got to bed and about four AM (I helped set up the stage at the bar after I got off work at the theater) and I apparently snored badly, depriving her of much-needed sleep. I also had to go to work at 4 today, and I'm just now getting home. Fortunately, I'm off from everything for the next 48 hours, and I intend to enjoy every second of that time with both of them.

And while I was rolling around on the ground beneath the stage, I lost my 3-year recovery coin. When I went back for it today, the cleaning crew had already gotten to it, and it was gone. Ordinarily, I don't go back for stuff I've lost, but I did go back and try to rescue that particular item. I ordered a new one today to replace it, as every day for nearly three and a half-years I've kept a recovery coin with me to remind me. I think I might get my 90 day encased in Lucite - that one was the hardest to get. I'm chalking it up to $6.85 worth of lesson in keeping better track of things that are important to me. Maybe I'll make a necklace out of it or something.

I'd also like to mention that last night was Karaoke night, which means I got to hear a lot of awful singing, but it did lead me to think about what song I'd sing - sort of like that scene in "Walk the Line" where a guy asks Johnny Cash if he could just sing one song before he died, what would it be?

I admit I thought about it for a while. I figure if you're going to sing, it ought to be something from your heart, right? I have a lot of sings that mean something to me; songs from special times and from special places and ones that remind me of special people; songs that have ownership and always will. Some are what I'd call "retired"; they represent memories that might be best suited where they are, and likely need to remain. Some, though, are ones that mean something to me, and nobody else. The best one I could come up with was "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion. It's about addiction (at least that's my take on it). It sure is one of my favorites, especially since I can sing it and know that while I was once was (and always be) and addict, God has brought forth great miracles and healing in me, and I can sing that song knowing that while my recovery will never be over, I never, ever have to go back to where I was, and I can sing that sad song with a heart that's both heavy and joyous. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, that's it. I'm tired and I want to get up and spend some time with our daughter and not be dazed.

634

Tonight at work there was a mean lady that didn't have a valid ID, so I wouldn't let her in.

She was the only adult in her group that didn't have one. After I told her she couldn't get in without a valid ID, she told me about how she was an attorney and was old enough and how stupid it was I wouldn't let her in before she sent her husband back to the car to get one. While he was gone, I tried to make nice with her, but she wasn't having it. When she presented me with it, it had expired in 2008. No dice. When I refused to summon the GM (because the GM had told us not to allow anybody in without a valid ID) for her she began to be nasty in earnest.

She called me a dumb-ass and pathetic and made fun of me and told me how pathetic I was before disparaging our bar (which is by far the best one I've ever worked at) and how (after I gave her my name) she said how forward she was looking to "looking me up" before her husband started telling her to shut up and leave me alone. Her party, who seemed embarrassed at her conduct, quickly gave up and left. I told her to have a nice evening but I didn't really mean it.

I have to admit she got under my skin a little. I suppose to her way of thinking, a poorly educated minimum-wage peon had the gall to tell her no. I kind of got the impression that she's fairly used to getting her way, and doesn't seem to take it so well when she doesn't. And odds are she was mad about it for the rest of the night, and will probably spend the next week plotting my death, or at least badmouthing me or expressing pity for my sad little existance to anybody that will listen. I can't control that, so I'm not going to worry about it. Waking up every day and having to be her is probably punishment enough, I guess. I know - I've been there.

I tried to pray the being kind of angry at her away, but it didn't really leave that quickly, and I was a little bent at myself for letting an anonymous mean lady get under my skin, but it's starting to go away. One of these days, she'll have to stand before God and give an account for her actions here on earth, and maybe God will remind her of how nasty she was to me. I guess that makes me feel a little better about it.

In all fairness, I know I already have a lot that I have to answer for myself, and I'm still trying really hard not to add to the pile - I get that, and I'm no better than she is, really. I mean, my pride has gotten the best of me more times than I can count, and I'm sure I've been a horse's ass to people for just doing their job, too.

I sure didn't like it when it was done to me tonight, though. She was a mean person who didn't like being told "no", and she took it out on me. Not cool, lady. Not cool.

Anyway, that's it. I know mean, nasty people are part and parcel of being a bouncer - I get that, and I didn't let it affect me or my job, so there's no problem there, and when I wake up tomorrow I won't care. I figure I'd dump it here, though, just to let it fade away a little faster. Thanks for reading, guys.

633 for Sunday.

Well, the cats are completely ignoring their scratching post. *sigh* Any suggestions on how to guide them to use it? I always tell my daughter "you can't make a cat do anything" - am I going to have to take my own advice now?

Truthfully, I don't have much today. It's kind of chilly and damp outside, which makes me want to go back to sleep, but if I do that I'll have Kafka dreams and I'm not interested in that. When Toni came home I had dreamed that the following, all in the same dream:

1) The city had shut the water off (they haven't, by the way)
2) I was riding a dirt bike with the entire front fork falling off
3) I was surrounded by bragging, lying children (also on bikes)
4) It was a struggle for me not to talk to said children
5) Our daughter was being a terrible spoiled brat
6) Our daughter wanted to start dating at 8
7) Our daughter found this underground pond that some boys showed her & got mad when I made her get out, and I couldn't get the mud off of her because the city had turned the water off.

Weird, huh? it was enough to try to make me get by on about 5 1/2 hours of sleep. I might try a nap after lunch, and a chocolate Zinger to make the pain go away.

Nothing interesting at either job.
Nothing recovery-wise.
No personal drama, conflicts or inner turmoil.

I can't eat as much as I used to. We've been cutting portion sizes and now my "regular" sized meals are too much.

Well......that's it. I have nothing else interesting to say, and thus far has been borderline anyway. I'm gonna get to doing what I need to get done today.

631

You know - it's kind of funny how I might start writing a blog at 10:00 PM, finish it by 11, and wait until 12:01 AM to post it so it shows up on the "right" day. Lately I've been writing that day's entry the night before, so technically, I wrote both Wednesday's and Thursday's blog on the same day, not that that has anything to do with anything.

I finished building the new cat scratching post with our daughter. So far, they've generally ignored it, as they are being ungrateful bastards. Perhaps they don't know what it's for or something. It tends to lean a bit, so I put it in the corner. Truthfully, there's not a place that's just 100% perfect, so I just have to hope for the best.

A couple of more things from last night, I guess. After last night I likely need to add that I sometimes tried to use my daughter as leverage in arguments when I wanted to get my way and didn't have a leg to stand on, or to pretend I had the moral high ground because I was a single father, which tends to be a fairly sympathetic character until you've proven that you're just using it to get your way.

As far as my own mom goes, I really only have one gripe, and that would most likely be that I felt that, in retrospect, I was coddled a bit too much, and wasn't told "no" enough. In retrospect, I might could have used a firmer hand and not gotten my way through whining quite so much, and be told "tough - suck it up and deal with it" a bit more often. I think I had a higher opinion of myself than was necessary or appropriate, and if I was caught in a lie than a swifter, more severe punishment would have ultimately been appreciated, though not until much, much later in life. I also picked up being pretty damn judgemental somewhere along that way, but I'm not entirely sure what the root of that specific problem really was. I suppose the only other things was that we never really talked about feelings or much of anything at a heart level, except for a time or two, but I think more than anything else that's a generational thing. I think most folks my parents age weren't brought up to discuss their feelings; I think they were largely brought up to be quiet, do what they were told, and do what they had to do to survive. I think there's something to say for their generation - perhaps they were/are a bit tougher than mine.

At any rate, the only reason I say any of this was because my Mom asked. I don't think it's anything I haven't already said before. I think, at the risk of sounding prideful (which I assure isn't my intent) they did a pretty fine job of raising me. I think just about all parents do the best they can with what they have and with what they know, and with what they believe is right. My Mom and Dad were no exception, and I have nothing but the highest regard for both of them, both as parents ans as people. I don't guess I say that enough, and I should. The last thing I would ever want is for them to be gone one day without me telling them how much I love them, still love them , and how smart I think they both are, and what great job they did as parents, and how much I miss them and how I think about them both everyday, and about how I've learned way more from them than they'll ever realize.

So to answer your question, Mom - you did great. Tell Dad he did great, too.

For what it's worth - and I say this because I know you and I know you've wondered this - I would have ended up in the same fix(es) no matter what you guys or anybody else did, because they were of my own doing, and nobody's fault but mine. Don't worry about that for a second. I know as parents, you try your best, and hope some of the good stuff you did right sticks, and I can say that I wouldn't have been able to pull do my share of the work that pulling myself out of everything I did wouldn't have happened without you guys, and had I not learned what I did from you guys, and without leaning on God for His guidance, healing and support. and rest assured - I learned a lot of those things from you guys. So really, I think most of anything good about me I learned from you guys. For whatever it's worth, I think you can feel pretty good about that, and I hope you do. I'm proud of you both.

Heh - look at me ending up someplace I didn't expect again. I'm glad I did, though.

You know what? I don't want to diminish what I said here with more mindless words, so I'm going to end here.

630

More from Last Night

As an added note to yesterday's blog, Bunny Cat did eventually come out from her room. of course, I had to pick her up and carry her, and she yowled, spit and hissed at first, but after a few minutes she settled down and began to walk around a little bit and enjoy the change of scenery. She even looked out she sliding glass door for a while. I was hoping she'd eat the other cat's food for a while, but one step at a time.

There's also another bit of theology, too - even if God takes us someplace He thinks we ought to go, we have the capacity to bitch mightily about it, even though He knows it's for our own good.

Anyway, that's not what I was going to write about tonight, so I'll digress.

What I wanted to write about tonight was one aspect of motherhood, and that's basically my guy reaction on who's going to be a good mom. 'Cause I know everything, right?

I can only do it with people I really know, and only with people withing my own age group, which is why I'm not including my own Mom in this one. Occasionally, somebody will just be give out such a strong good mom vibe I can feel it before I feel like I really know them, and I have to give them all the preemptive credit and good vibes they're due. My buddy Bri's wife Cristina is a shining example of one of these. While my relationship with Brian is about a 9 on a ten scale, I'd have to put her around a 6, just because we haven't hung out for as long. However, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she'd be an excellent Mom. I could feel it, ya know?

She's not the first one, either. I knew my first wife (Code Name Carbon Fidelis) would be an superb mother. I never had a doubt in my mind (and still don't) that my long-time "adopted sister" Tara would be a wonderful mother.

Now, to all you Mom's who didn't get mentioned - don't get all sore. You guys are great too, and odds are I felt the same way about you guys as well - I just don't have the time to go through and list all of you, so please don't all hurt that I didn't mention you specifically.

Anyway, as Bil Cosby says, I told you that story to tell you this one.

I'm telling you all of this to say how I feel this way about my wife. I knew she'd be a extraordinary Mom within the first few days I knew her. She's kind, caring and compassionate, and isn't afraid to take corrective measures when needed, but never anything overboard or excessive. I want to give her credit for jumping in in with almost no prior experience with a rather headstrong second grader, and only getting one day a week and every other weekend to practice. Yesterday she baby-sat for a friend's 14-month old, and she rocked. I feel like she's going to do a wondrous job when we have a kid, whenever that is, and I just wanted to go on record early so I can look back and say I called it way back when, and have the writing to back it up.

I feel a lot better about raising my daughter with Toni around - it's awful hard to do it by yourself, and those folks that don't have all the help that they need for whatever reason are true-blue heroes in my book. I know I let being a single parent get the best of me several times in the past, causing me to make rash, knee-jerk or just plain emotional decisions without really thinking. Hell - I'll even admit to milking it, using it for sympathy, and playing the martyr, too, but it's been a long while since I've pulled that crap.

Huh - I didn't end expect to end up here. This is not where I thought I was going at all. If you guys think I can dig a little deeper than this let me know - it may be an area in my life I need to further examine in order to make me a better father and husband, so don't be shy.

Anyway, I think that's about it. To recap - and to get back on my original point - I think - no, I know - Toni's going to be a magnificent Mom, guys. I just know it. I'm calling it now.

P.S. - These are my new boots.

So far they're a bit stiff, but they're breaking in pretty well so far. Via con Dios, New Boots - you have large shoes to fill.

629

The Theology of Bunny Cat

So last night I did the following......

I cleaned Bunny Cat's litter box, opened her windows, gave her fresh food, water and put the Pumpkin Syndicate in the holding cell (Our daughter's room). I opened the door to the bedroom to let Bunny roam around the house a little, as she's been basically holed up in that room for over a year.

And she wouldn't come out from under the bed.

To my way of thinking, she was either too afraid to come out or too comfortable where she was. I think that's a pretty good mirror for us a people, huh?

I think God has this good life all planned out for us, but we're wither too afraid to come out from under our beds, too comfortable under the mattresses, or we just don't trust Him enough to believe He's really got a good time in store for us; something safe, something that meets our needs, something that we'll enjoy; something different, something refreshing, something fun.

But we tend not to believe it, at least not for real, when push comes to shove and we're not in church, Bible study, or church camp. I know Bunny Cat didn't seem to, and I spent a very, very long time saying I did - but when in the unavoidable reality of my daily life I didn't believe it at all.

O Ye of Little Faith, as Jesus would put it.

Liar, liar pants-on-fire, as the kids say.

Eventually, I had to close the door to Bunny's room, as I didn't have a writ of habeas corpus or a writ of mandamus to hold the syndicate for any longer. I'll try to give Bunny another chance later - maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow, by the way, I'm going to write about the transformations that God lets us go through. How our minds are transformed, how what what used to be normal becomes inconceivable, and how what used to be comfortable becomes unimaginable, and how I've seen it personally in both my life and my wife's.

I'm also going to write a bit about what I think about motherhood and a few folks I know and what I've seen firsthand, too. I think that one ought to be pretty good one, but it'll likely be late tomorrow night or possibly very early on Wednesday, as I'm covering for a guy at work tomorrow. I lose a day off, but let's be real - I need the money.

Anyway, that's it for tonight.

628 for Tuesday

It's been a long weekend, and I've used the Advocare SLAM to get through it. It's mostly B vitamins, and nothing weird to make me feel jittery or wired. It's been a nice helper this weekend, as I've had less than five hours of sleep every night since Thursday evening. Work at the bar has been really nice so far, but my feet hurt from wearing my black shoes. I miss my boots.

It was good to spend a little time with our daughter this weekend, though I was pretty wiped out for most of the weekend. Unfortunately, I'm wide awake right now, and she's neither here nor awake. I'm looking forward to having Tuesday and Wednesday off, though.

Man - I just don't really have anything intelligent to say tonight. I'm going to bail out on this and try again in the morning after I've had at least six or eight good hours of sleep. I feel like I've got something working under the surface but I can't put my finger on it; hopefully there's nothing bugging me that I'm not aware of. I don't think so, though. I'm pretty good with everything that's been going on as of late. Soriety-wise I'm fine. I'm sure I'm just wiped out, but I don't want to go prodding around when I'm not thinking too straight, as if I stumble onto something I wouldn't be able to articulate it properly, anyway.

627 for Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to get my head clear and write something later today.

Before the Slam (another excellent product brought to you by the good people at Advocare) wears off.....

Begin Shameless Advocare Plug:
I worked at the theater from 1 until 8, came home, ate a delicious burger Toni made and had an energy drink to keep me alert while I put in another 4 hours at the bar. That was 5 1/2 hours ago, and I feel great! It's mostly B vitamins, too, so nothing bad for you, either. If you ever drink those energy drinks (5 Hour Energy, etc) , let me know - these work great! (and thus endeth the plug.)

Anyway, I had a great night tonight at the bar. They put me up at the front door, which is nice. It was a beautiful night outside, the crowd was super nice, and I only had one drunk to deal with, plus one unpleasant situation in the parking lot, but nothing I had to involve myself in. Everybody is very nice so far, and the place is run very, very tightly and extremely professionally, which is a delightful change from the shoddy operations I've worked at in the past.

I have nothing important to say, really. All of my recovery stuff is going smoothly, so no problems there. They had a bikini contest at work, which is a weekly occurrence, but A) I generally work the front door and B) I just couldn't care any less. They're all the same, ya know? You've seen one bar chick in a bikini you've seen them all, or at least that's the way I feel about it. It's funny how your thought process can change so radically, huh?

I was thinking that when I do start tom feel like i have trouble with my sobriety (like when I start to feel the warning signs) it's because I've allowed myself to slip up in the teeniest increments; just an ever-so-slight deviation from what I consider healthy, even if it's only for a second. It's funny how quickly that erodes and corrupts, and how, after time, you can absolutely see (and feel) where you'd be (and how badly off you'd be) if I hadn't changed directions three years ago. I'm so grateful to be where I am today, in all respects.

Anyway, I think that's about it for tonight. We're picking up the biscuit (Code Name Diamond's nickname) from her school when they let out, and I'm off tomorrow until 10 PM, by which time she'll be in bed. Other than that, I got nothing', and if I don't have anything to say then I'm gonna wrap it up instead of just yammering on nonsensically. See how considerate I am of you folks? That's me showing you guys the love right there.

And I *do* love you all guys (and gals, too).

624, for Friday.

It's quiet here.

No TV, no radio. Toni's reading blogs, and the only real sound is an airplane, a tinkling wind chime, and me typing.

I don't get quiet enough, man. I feel like I ought to spend more time with the TV and the radio off and just listen to the silence. In a few weeks it'll be a zoo around here, and while I really am looking forward seeing all my family again, I'm going to appreciate the quiet while I have it. I think this is another reason I like cats - they tend to be pretty quiet, even when they're trying to wild things.

I've read my Bible twice in the past three days, but I don't want to talk about what I read. If I do that then I feel like I'm giving some kind of daily "here's that I read in the Bible" report, and that's not what this blog is about, and certainly not what I want to do. I'll just flat out quit reading it if I I feel like I have to write a report on it every time, or ever, really. I'd much rather just absorb it and enjoy what I'm reading without feeling like I have to tell everybody What It Meant To Me. Odds are I'm never going to be one of those guys that starts off his blog with "I was studying the Bible last night and I had this revelation." We'll see, huh?

I figured when I had wrapped up everything I had to say I'd turn on the TV and eat a hot dog, before I finished doing laundry and straightening up the house a bit, but I think I'm kind of stalling some, because I don't want to hear the noise just yet. I don't really have anything to say past this point, though.

I have several hours before I go into the club to start work. Until then I think we're going to move furniture and have lunch and clean and try to ditch some ballast. Maybe I'll have an interesting, funny or thought provoking story tomorrow.

622

Info nobody asked for, but that *I* find interesting

I start my new bouncer gig tomorrow; I wasn't looking forward to it but now I think it'll be fun once I get back into the swing of things. Have I ever shared my List of Bouncer Must-Have's?

#1) a cup (the kind that protects your testicles from getting hit)

#2) gum (A) fresh breath and (B) keeps your teeth from clacking together if you get hit in the jaw

#3) contact lenses, because your glasses will always fall off in a tussle

#4) a lighter, because somebody will inevitably ask you for a light

#5) a watch, because somebody will inevitably ask you what time it is

#6) latex exam gloves, so you don't get blood, spit, vomit or puke on you

#7) a small, very bright flashlight to signal for help, see in the dark, spot fake ID's, find leftover money on the floor after closing time, blind drunks, or use as an impact weapon in case you start to lose

#8) a pocket knife to open boxes and to cut ribbons and balloon strings and such - never, ever for poking rowdy people with.

I've been doing more manual labor at work, too - mostly mopping, which builds your arms and chest when you're doing it right. I did some light carpentry up there today, too, and I got all dirty. Lots of laundry tonight. I did have some minor difficulties today, but it's all financial stuff. Overall, it was a good day, man. I got no complaints. We're making hot dogs and fried potatoes for dinner, so I'm gonna wrap this up directly, as I have nothing of any importance to say whatsoever. I was going to say that I've been working harder to return back to the basics and turn my daily fight against my addiction, but that's really not news, I guess.

No luck on selling the rifle yet, but I've gotten some interest, and I'm pretty hopeful. My Glock and my shotgun are in the cold dead hands group, though.

Well, that's it. I got nothing else. You guys have a good night :-)

621

Even though I'm married, I still have a little ass on the side

There - I said it. You didn't mis-read anything.

I haven't wanted to talk about it here, but it's true. It wasn't really anything expected, but in the end, I wasn't strong enough to resist. The worst part of it is, I let Toni get me into it, and I don't feel guilty about it.

There's more if you want to scroll down, but if you want to bail out now, here's your chance.

































Bwahahahahahahahahaha! I created tension (and then relief) by using a simple pun. Everything I said was true, but it sounded awful, didn't it!

Hah - I'm just that frightfully clever. I've been waiting to post this for like a week.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm brushing a miniature donkey (Quattro) I like. Toni feeds a horse (Zero) during the week and the miniature donkey keeps the horse company. I give the donkey treats and brush it.


See? How can you not like that face?

Ok - now to the real blog - Catching Up and Giving the Deserved Respect

First off, a few pics.

Here's what Toni cooked last week.


She even got me eating salad.


Next, some work-related pics.

My Halloween mask was on display for several days.


Our daughter came up and hung out with us at work a while back.


She had a pretty good time.


And now, to the sad part. :-(

I need to pay a necessary homage to the passing of two good friends - my boots.

I bought these boots in 1993 when I started EMT school. They saw me through the police academy, and four years of service in the poorest dirt Denton county had to offer and while serving papers and felony warrants on the hard streets of south Dallas county. I wore them on my first drug raid, and while fighting drunks and miscreants in six different bars. They endured muddy clay, blistering heat and the occasional snow and ice. I wore them hunting hogs, dove, and coyotes. They kept my ankles from rolling during paintball and kept my feet from slipping on the wet tile behind the concession stand. They lasted longer than my marriage, were more durable than the relationships that followed. They stuck with me through my divorce, my recovery, losing my house, my car and all of my money. They began to show wear about six months ago, and finally gave out on Saturday night, November 7th, during Lime Time at the theater, where we had a contest to see who could throw a lime over the building. All four layers of the sole finally separated from the rest of the boot, and it was time to say goodbye. Thank you for 16 years of outstanding, faithful service. I'll miss you, boots. Well done.



By the way, I read my Bible last night, and it wasn't terrible. I thought you guys would like to know.

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Answers - Part 3

Why not go back and get your degree or an associates to make yourself more marketable?

Three main reasons:

#1) Cost- even if I get a LOT of financial aid, I still won't be able to cover the difference. Books, materials, lab fees, gas to and from campus - you get the idea.

#2) Time - I work 50+ hours a week, and I can't afford to lose the time. Consider this:

I have 45 credit hours. I would need about 75 more hours to graduate. If I take one 3 hours class per semester, I'll graduate in 25 semesters, or about 12 years. Figure school would be in session for 25 weeks a year, so I'd lose 75 hours a year. At a piddly $10 an hour, I'd lose $750 every year for the next 12 years, or a total of $9,000. That's just what I'd lose making jack squat, and doesn't even begin to factor the cost involved.

#3) In the end, it's still a gamble. Will it make me more marketable? Probably, but is it a guaranteed job when I graduate in 12 years? No. Am I at the point in my life where I can invest that kind of time and money? No - I'm not. I have to deal with the hand I have now.

Have you looked into how much financial aide you would be able to receive??

Nope.

The best piece of advice we ever received when paying off debt was to start with the smallest first.

We're doing that, but we're having to factor survival as the first priority. We tithe first, then get food, then gas so I we can get to work. After that comes utilities, then trying to keep the car from being repo'd, and then we have to insure them. If we can get past that, we're trying to keep the IRS from levying our bank accounts for a third time. If we can get past that, we try to pay off debt.

I hope that puts some of where we are in perspective.

Just in case somebody out here needs one.....

Times are tough, and you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm selling my AK rifle. It's technically a WASR-10 in good shape; no canted sights, two 30-round magazines, folding stock, wood foregrip - $350

Here it is:



More info if you need it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WASR_series_rifles

Get a hold of me if you're interested.

Answers - Part 2

If toast always lands buttered-side down, and a cat always lands on it's feet - what would happen if you strapped a piece of buttered toast onto a cat's back and dropped it-- would it spin and hover inches off the floor?

Yes - I have irrefutable scientific proof. The Internet never lies.



Are we having fun yet?

Kinda. I didn't expect so many, but I'm glad I got 'em. I didn't expect some of them, either.

Are you wishing you hadn't asked us to ask you questions?

Not yet.

Why haven't you answered all our questions yet?

I had to go to work from 1:00 PM until 11 PM.

Do you hate us?

Not to my knowledge.

Is that why you aren't answering us?

Yes.

Why are you torturing us?

Spite.

How much time do you really spend considering (or thinking about) other people instead of just your own self or issues?

Believe it or not, I actually don't spend that much time pondering/obsessing over myself whatever situation I might find myself in, though I imagine it comes across that way here. Generally, I times I get really introspective or try to focus solely on thinking about myself and is when I blog, as this is usually my most thorough only self-check for the day. I still try to put others before me most of the time, including my wife and daughter. let me know if that doesn't make sense or if you guys don't buy it.

What do you want out of your life?


Tier I:
- to make myself available for God to use however He needs me
- to love and serve my wife
- to do all I can to raise my kid so that she loves God first and foremost

Tier II:
- get out of my parent's house
- to get my own piece of real estate again
- to get out of debt

Tier III:
- an M4
- new glasses

What does this blog really do for you?

It helps me sort out my thoughts and process my feelings, generally so that I can reach some sort of conclusion about whatever it is I'm having difficulty dealing with. It also lets me vent, release stress, and get rid of negative thoughts, feelings, and ideas. It also helps keep myself accountable, because it shows me a mirror of where I am emotionally (and sometimes spiritually) each time I sit down and get honest, open and real.

Do you worrying about whether someone has posted a comment?

Generally, no.

Do you feel the same about the posts that get no comment as you do about the ones that get many comments?

Comments are always welcome and are usually nice to get, but I don't obsess over it. I tend to write for myself, whether or not anybody comments is beyond my control.

Why continually struggle with the movie theater if it's paying just about as well as the drug test company? As in, not well at all if you can't make your bills.

To my way of thinking, I'm having to start off at the bottom and work my way up again. There is a definite career path here, but evidently it takes a little while to get it. I'm looking at long-term income potential, even though the short-term income sucks to get there. I could probably take a job that pays more, but I might not have anywhere to go from there - make sense? I need to have a job I can move up in, and the theater meets that criteria, even if the initial pay is low, and I'm willing to endure low pay IF it means that I can move up eventually. By the time I left (got laid off) the call center job, I had nearly doubled my income, but it took four years to get there. I've only been here a few months so far, but I am making measurable progressions towards my goal, which is "to make enough money to survive."

Is it just a comfort zone thing?

Not so much - it was more the first thing I could grab when the last bar I was at closed, and I know it was a job I had a fairly good possibility of getting. I'd be very willing to work another gig more out of my comfort zone if the right possibility came along and the pay was right.

....bothers the stew out of you to work managing little suburban kids

Yes and No. There are a few kids there that are wonderful, and that I feel a bit fatherly (or big brother-ish) towards; kids with crummy home lives or in the middle of making bad decisions, and I sometimes lend an ear to them or offer advice if they ask. I don't mean that in a prideful way, though I know it sounds that way. I've bonded pretty well to some of these kids, and they deserve to know that somebody cares about them, even if it's only their assistant manager.

You're clearly qualified for a bunch of other things.

Yeah, but finding these jobs are substantially more difficult then they used to be. I don't have the professional network I once had, and if can't afford to start over someplace else or to transfer to a dead-end gig. Temp agencies have failed me in the past, as have corporate recruiters, job fairs, and internet job hunting. I should also probably mention that the job market in general is kind of weak at the moment, and is flush more overqualified people than I.

I also have a seven-year stint of self-employment, which generally equals "unemployed" when it comes to applying for many other jobs. Ostensibly, if I were really that good at being self employed, I wouldn't have to leave it to find another job, which must mean I'm really not good enough to work at their place. I also lack a bachelor's degree, or even an associates.

I can't help but think there are other jobs out there that pay better.

Of this I have no doubt. However,

1) finding said job
2) beating all the other applicants that are also applying
3) knowing the right person at the right time
4) being a job that's a good match for what I need that will

A) hire me
B) enough to live on and/or
C) contain a long-term career path that beats what I'm on

Then I'm all in. I know it sounds like a list of excuses, but it's what the reality of my situation is. I'm willign to do the work, but I have to do my best to find something that will meet my family's physical needs, as I'm a bit long in the tooth for an excessive amount of job hopping.

On another note, I start a new bouncer job on Wednesday, and I've never been less excited.

I hope this all made some sense. If I need to clarify anything, or if you guys have more questions, fire away.

One more thing - if you had me as a link on your blog but deleted it when I switched, feel free to put this one back on. Thanks!

Answers - Part 1

Who do you think would make the better cop? You or Toni?

That's a tough question because "better" is relative term. Toni's a lot more intelligent than I am, and can analyze the totality of a situation much faster than I can. She can also read people like a book within seconds, and has an uncanny ability to know their story without being asked. She has perspective into the female mindset I can never hope for, and is more compassionate than I am. Her ability to deal with crime victims would supersede mine. She would be a better detective and a better investigator than me, hands down. Any area I would exceed her in (except for the physical aspects; fighting, running, etc) are all training and experience related. I'd have to say Toni.

What was the motive behind this game?

I had four motivations. In no particular order:

A) I didn't have anything else to talk about, so I tried this. I also like the affirmation, truthfully. I like to know that people are interested and that people are reading, and that they're out there and they actually care enough to respond. it's nice.

B) I wanted to give the readership something they wanted; to deliver information that they wanted to know rather than force them to wade through what I wanted them to hear in hopes that they would find something they liked.

C) I know there's people that read and don't comment, and I wanted them to feel included. I also wanted to reach out to them and offer an opportunity for them to get involved safely, without the possibility of being lashed out at.

D) I need the accountability from you guys. You guys have a perspective I don't have and can't get - from the outside, looking in. Your questions keep me honest, and help me see what I'm doing wrong. You guys offer me the opportunity to figure out what's wrong on my own; instead of you guys telling me what to do, you simply lead me in a direction which allows me to discover the solution for myself. Ordinarily I pay $75 hour for that kind of guidance, but I'm broke and you guys are filling in rather nicely.

When will you choose to invest time into studying the Bible?

When I feel like I need it. Right now, as prideful and arrogant as is sounds (or , more appropriately, is) I feel like I'm doing fine without it. I know (intellectually) I could be doing a lot better, but so far I haven't been driven to that point of desperation yet; that point where I'm so desperate for answers or comport or peace of relief that I go digging through the Bible trying to find something that'll make me feel better. I suppose I tend to view the Bible as a book of crisis, an emergency manual to turn to when the building is on fire. That's been the pattern in the past, I know. I guess I never thought of it an anything else until now. I'm not sure why I'm having a hard time making that emotional connection between daily (or any) study and having a better, more serene life. I know I never really studied the Bible until I started going through the divorce, when it proved several times to be the only solace for me. I picked it up several more times during recovery as well, but again, after I started feeling better I let it fall by the wayside again. While my tendency to view God as a crisis control measure has certainly changed, reading His word just hasn't yet. I don't know how to create the emotional desire to read it yet, though I suppose if I start it'll probably just catch on. It's a shitty answer, I know.

Why are you investing so much time and energy into a business (the drug test one) that doesn't give much back?

I do it because every once in a while it makes a ton of money. I think it's done it four or five times in the past eight years or so. I guess it's the same principle of playing 99 losing hands to win one - and being oblivious to the fact that when you do win, the pot still doesn't cover your losses. I have a hard time walking away from something that has the potential to make my next four years of income at the theater in six weeks. I suppose I view it as a huge ticket to get out of debt, as my current job isn't doing it yet. I have to admit that the time/income ratio is much, much higher with the drug testing company, but the income is sporadic and whether or not orders come in is largely out of my control. The income also isn't sufficient to meet the bills I have, and set aside the appropriate amount in taxes, and tithe, and keep a savings account, and pay for child support.

For what it's worth, I'm earnestly looking to walk away from it when I/we can find a better job. We'll keep it going until Dad gets back in case he wants to run it again. I think he did a better job than I did anyway, and keeping his company afloat until his return is the least we can do for all the help he's given us along the way.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

I do it a lot less these days. I'm doing my best to focus in what is, and not what can be or might be. But what if _________________ happens has played a huge role in my life until relatively recently, I know. I think "what if" is simply my attempt to keep all my options open, which amounts to this: me trying to stay in control ; trying to stay one step ahead of everything - "what if" is just a tactical exercise in contingency. I need to recognize what I'm doing when I'm doing it and do a better job of quitting.

OK - I have to go to work. More (really late) tonight. Keep 'em coming.

616

Wednesday's Game

I propose this: Open Question Day

Ever wonder something (about me?) and you never had the opportunity to ask? Here's your chance. Anything I've ever written about is fair game - and I have to answer honestly.

The rules are few and simple:

#1) You must ask anonymously - this is to prevent me trying to tailor my answer to anybody specific, to force me to just answer the question itself, and to prevent anybody from trying to figure out who said what, including me.


#2) No info about the kid.

#3) Absolutely no bashing of other people.

I think that's it. Any rule violations will be deleted.
Have fun and dig deep.

615

In honor of Mr. McMurtry

Man - you guys get quiet sometimes. It makes me wonder if I hit a nerve, said something incredibly stupid, or if you guys just don't have anything to say that day. I flatter myself as a nerve-hitter ('cause I'm just that good, right? No pride there at all....), but after yet another reality check I strongly suspect think it's really the latter reason, and you guys generally have better stuff to do that comment on my prattling every day.

Anyway.......

After reading about No Ears, Famous Shoes, Blue Duck, Kicking Wolf, Buffalo Hump, Sits On The Water and a few others, I've decided to come up with an Indian Name (or two, or three) for myself. I think I'm actually 1/32 Indian (the Native American Kind) somehow; if I understand it correctly, one of My dad's grandmothers was an Indian, and she had blue eyes. (Feel free to correct me if I'm off, Dad.) Indians have cool names anyway.

So - here are the ones I came up with for me:

#1) Man With Cat
#2) Likes to Fight
#3) Pale Like Ghost
#4) Says Too Much (my favorite)

Toni also came up with Must Keep Clean. Hilarious.

I tried to come up with a few for some of you folks, too, but I couldn't really get anything good. I think the ones you guys would come up with for yourself (and each other) will be funnier. And I'm still fair game, as always, and all are welcome to play in this (slightly?) racially insensitive game, especially if you're actually a for-real Indian, or at least moreso than me.

I will post my daughter's though - I kind of like Blue Eyes Dancing.

You folks chime in, or this will be another blog equivalent to me sitting in an empty room talking to myself - not that that's ever stopped me before.

614


ONE MORE THING......

On Wednesday, we shall play a dangerous game. :-)

Push away from the table, Fatty.

You know what I struggle with? Getting up and moving away from the computer when I'm done.

I check my e-mail. I read my blogs and write mine if I can. I visit my "regular" set of webpages; Munkies, Fox News, IPR and a couple of more. After I do that, I really have no reason to sit here, but I have the hardest time standing up and doing something else more productive.

I think that tendency is rooted in a few different things; first, I spent four years working directly in front of a computer, so it became a pretty strong habit. Secondly, I try to keep an eye on work e-mails and I do chime in on a few message boards I frequent, but generally that only takes a few moments. You know what really connected me to this though? Chicks, man - those sweet, sweet chicks.







Ha. It was too funny (and obvious) not to post.



Using the internet to feed my addiction aside, the non-work related "obsession" started largely in about September 2004, when I joined e-harmony. I spent hours day checking my profile to see if I had any more matches or if any of them had talked to me. When I did get a response, it was such a big deal to me. It was affirmation, hope, anticipation - all those great things you that feel good, and that payoff was intense. After a while, it was because I was talking to somebody online, generally through e-mail. After a bit longer, it was a way to communicate with somebody I was in a relationship with. When the relationship ended, I still sat in front of the box, wanting and hoping. (I still cruised online dating sites, too - that hadn't changed.) From time to time, my hopes would be rewarded in some way, still generating that intense payoff, though oftentimes it would disintegrate into fighting over e-mail, even spilling onto my blog on occasion, but that's not what this is about today.

All of these factors combined, I was (still am?) pretty hooked on sitting in front of this computer.

Now: fast-forward to today.

Not using the computer to feed my addiction
Nor using the computer to search for a woman.
Not using the computer to seek affirmation or a payoff - or am I?

Why is it still hard for me to push away and get off? Is it simply 11 years of habit? Is it some subconscious part of my mind trying to cause my body to replicate the activity that directly resulted in those payoffs, similar to a gambler playing 999 losing hands to win one?

As much as I hate to admit, I have to be completely honest with myself and realize that there's still a small part of me that still needs (or thinks It needs) that payoff, and that makes it hard to stand up and simply find something else to do.

Is using the internet in and of itself become an addiction for me? What am I still looking for or needing, or is it just a hard habit to break?

Another night with a lot of questions, and not as many answers.

Have a cat.



613