OK - I missed a day

So today I'm sitting at my folks house and blogging from their computer. Odds are I'll have to get used to this.

The Car Crisis of 2008 has been averted, thanks to generous parents who don't take no for an answer when it comes to offering help when they can give it. I want to talk about how hard it is on my pride, but that'd just be my pride talking yet again. What's more real is that I needed help to keep from sinking into a serious financial quagmire and they gave it to me. It was medicine I needed. It's still hard for me to ask for help - almost as hard as it is for me to enjoy my own birthday for some reason. what I need to do is practice asking for help. I know that I'd give anything I could to any of my friends or family that needed it - so why is it different when I'm in trouble and they offer it to me? That's how they usually win the argument, truthfully.

Anyway, they offered their financial medicine, and I accepted it. I don't like feeling like I can't do it on my own, but trying to dig and hold on and stick it out until I accomplish what *I* want to accomplish has blown up on me more times than I can count, so perhaps it's high time I start learning to accept some help when I need it, and do so gracefully and with thanks, though gratitude, I assure you, is never a problem. It's always a humbling experience. Perhaps God is working to rid me of my pride a little more and teach me to ask for help when I need it. Generally I only tend to ask for water when I'm on fire already and haven't been able to put it out myself. You Pathways people can appreciate this one the most, I think.

Tonight I'm putting in a full 8-hour shift at the bar. I'd fuss more, but I really need the money, as all of you well know. Odds are it'll be crazy-busy, and the paycheck will be kind of nice. I enjoy the busy nights more than the slow ones. Our last meal of 2008 will be at Freebird's World Burrito, a fantastic end to a particularly stressful year.

Oooo- perhaps afterwards I can use some stuff Toni picked up at Bath & Body Works - it's glorious stuff called Mentha Foot Tingling Foot Cream. It's non-greasy and makes your feet feel cool and tingly, which will be wonderful after eight hours of walking on a hard concrete floor. It's everything you always wanted in a foot cream and more! (Make all endorsement checks payable to me, please.)

My folks leave to go back to Haiti in a few days. They're packing and getting all ready to leave. I'd feel more sad if I didn't know how much they love it there, and how happy they'll be once they get there. Mom goes back and forth, and Dad is just trying to get everything done. I'll miss them,to be sure. I'm looking forward to getting on my feet enough to start sending them fun stuff once in thin a while to make their stay at that Caribbean hellhole a little more enjoyable. Thank God Dad has a whole island full of stuff to fix with not nearly enough proper resources, which puts him in his prime. Apparently, in Haiti, if isn't already broken, it's about to break.

Mom's biggest concern is Bunnycat, their adorable-yet-bitchy Manx, who burns with hatred for Oscar, Timone and Pumba. So far though, she tolerating them pretty well, despite some light screaming, occasionally in the middle of the night.

I think we're all getting together for one "last meal" before they go tomorrow, which does sound sad and final, like they're going to be executed or something. Code Name Diamond won't see 'em for a while, but she'll be OK. She's a trooper, and she's used to them being gone for a while sometimes. If anybody gets too anxious we'll fire up the webcam ;-)

Evidently there's a button someplace on this keyboard that keeps bumping my writing up one sentence and is making me cut & paste my writing back together again. I can't figure which button it is on this machine, but it's really annoying.

I guess that's it for today.

319

Notes from the Journey to the Center of the Earth

Because once you've hit rock bottom, you might as well start digging.



Well, here's where I stand today. I'm a little tired from moving and working, so bear with me.

We got all moved out of the apartment, patched all the nail holes, scrubbed, dusted, cleaned, vacuumed and sanitized. We've been moving and cleaning since the 25th, but all we have is one more van load to clear out and we're all done moving. We got popped for about $2400, which I hate to see but can do nothing about, other than pay it. I repented getting a third floor apartment this weekend, too. I think everybody did.

We're moved into my folks house, which is to say that we've unpacked approximately 10% of our stuff. So far we're just getting by on our personal sundries and whatnot, but it's all we need. I think we'll wait until they depart before we fully invade. The cats are loving it, though.

The car repo situation is not looking too good. If I don't get $1000 in the next 18 hrs I'll lose the car for good, and I'll be saddled with (at least) another $12K of negative equity, which I can't afford. I might get paid around $300 - $600 by tomorrow, but I won't know until about 10 AM or so - three hours before the deadline. We'll see what happens.

I got an added (an unexpected) stressor over Christmas that I can't go into here, but suffice it to say sometimes the fact that something still bothers you can often be worse than the thing itself, especially when there's no logical reason you can apply other than it hits you in a deep way that can only be identified by a professional. Certainly, I'm out of answers on that one. I suppose it's sort of like a recovering drug addict getting a call from his old dealer in a weird sort of way, but that's all I can say about that.

I have five nights of bouncing ahead of me. The commute after the move is pretty crummy now, but the steady checks - small as they are - sure are nice.

The office phone is shut off - again. Not only is that terrible for business, it's terribly embarrassing professionally.

Code Name Diamond is becoming an exemplary little chess player. I played her full-on, no holds barred, and she ruined three solid attack plans, took almost all my pawns, my kings knight, my kings bishop and both my rooks before I finally got her. Either I'm not that good or she is that good. Either way, I'm really proud of her.

I had a great Christmas with my family. I got some wonderful gifts from my family, and our kiddo had a good one, too.

My wife and I are looking for new jobs - we'll see what happens, I guess, which brings me to where I wanted to go today.

On Sunday our pastor taught on Gideon. The short version is this - God used a man with little (in his own eyes) to offer, with not a whole lot of faith, in a bad situation, who kept getting bad news (then worse news) time after time - until God worked His will and accomplished the impossible - 300 untrained men routing out 135,000 soldiers using only horns, lanterns sticks, and clay pots. He even used Gideon's imperfections (and lack of of faith).

The main point of the message was this:

The Impossible becomes the Unstoppable when God is behind it.

That gave me hope, which was something I needed, and still need.

Here's the thing, man. I don't know what God is doing. So far this year I've lost my house, my apartment, my car, and a lot of sleep. I'm still drowning in debt and I just can't foresee a way out of it anytime soon. Bankruptcy is looking more and more likely, and I just don't see what God is doing behind the scenes with me, but I guess I don't have to. I know He's there, and I know He's working, and what I think seems to be bad news is still a part of His plan, and not necessarily mine.

It does seem that God needed us to help my folks out by living in their home while they do His work in Haiti more than He needed us to have a place to live of our own. He may need us to not have a second car and for me to be in further debt or declare bankruptcy for some reason only He knows of. Me personally - I have no idea, but I'm willing to do whatever I can and to work as hard as I can to help myself and my family out in the meantime. Sitting around and not doing something isn't an option.

Anyway, that's where I am today. I oughta be back blogging on a daily basis now. See you guys tomorrow.

317

Well, this has been a poor week so far. Today, we got evicted, unless I can come up with $800 in the next 57 minutes. As you can imagine, it's not going to happen. We have to be out by Friday.

It could be worse, though, ya know? We have someplace to go, we're just going to get there a little faster than we thought we would. I know a family at church whose house burned to the ground on Saturday.

We're down to one car still, but it looks like we still might a chance at having the money to get it back, if I choose not to pay rent. What a crappy choice, huh?

If I pay the rent and keep from getting evicted, I lose the car, add a repossession on my credit score and gain another $12K in debt, which will all but require me to declare bankruptcy.

Or I can get evicted, and have THAT on our credit history. Talk about screwed either way, huh?

But it could be worse, though. I know of a family at church that lost their mother on Saturday. My mom is doing pretty well, so that's good.

It doesn't help that all of this is happening on Christmas, which, in recent years, has managed to be a sore spot for me, ever since my ex-wife left the day after Christmas on 2003. Christmas has always been a rough time for me every year after that for one reason or another. I think we'll be packing the day after Christmas this year, which sucks slightly less. Most days I think if I didn't have a kid I wouldn't even celebrate Christmas, or my birthday, either.

It could be worse, though. My wife isn't going to leave me no matter what, and I know this with all my heart. She's a wonderful woman, and more of a trooper than I could have ever asked for.

I wanted to get my daughter something wonderful for Christmas, but I didn't really have the money for it. I mean, she's getting some cool stuff - don't get me wrong, but nothing I feel like I could sit back and say "WOW - look what a great Christmas I gave her." And I know that's a shallow way to look at it, but I wish things weren't so tight, if only for her.

Of course - it could be a lot worse. There are kids all over that are going to wake up on Christmas morning and not have a single gift.

Or food.
Or shelter.
Or a family.

Despite getting getting my car repossessed, being evicted, and being painfully short on cash, it could be a lot worse, and I'm thankful to God and to my family for being around, and loving me as much as I love them. God's taking care of me, and still I will praise Him, in all things. God is with us, always.

311

A lot happened this weekend.....

This pic is just for Tim - you'll read why in a minute.

So on Friday I called about the car getting repo'd. The good news is that I think I can get it back before they auction it off, I lose it for good, get another 12K in debt and have a repossession on my credit for the next 7 years. I ought to be OK on that, even though I found out this morning it's roughly twice what I had expected. Yikes!

Friday night at CR was pretty good. It looks like I'll be getting to start working with the teen group in January, so we'll see how that goes. I got to meet a few of them on Friday, and they really seem like a great bunch of people. I'm thankful to have another way to serve and further my own recovery, as well as help others in theirs.

My time at the bar on Friday was quite uneventful - until the drive home. About halfway back, Toni and I happened upon an accident where an SUV struck a refrigerator. I don't know why there was a refrigerator in the middle of I-35W, either. The SUV had flipped, and the three occupants had dragged themselves out to the median of the six-lane divided highway, which had an awful lot of traffic in it for being roughly 3:00 AM. It turns out the one sober guy was driving his two drunk buddies home (kudos to him for that) and only one of the passengers was seriously hurt. Toni and I beat EMS by about five minutes, where we stabilized the patient until the ambulance got there, and she stayed lead medic on the call until they loaded him up. It was pretty cool watching her in work mode and seeing her professional side come out under stress - she was totally in charge and had complete control of the scene. The other firefighters and EMT's that arrives later stayed out of her way and thanked her when it was all over. The cops thanked us as well, which was also pretty cool. I hope the guy made it. He was pretty banged up, but I think being drunk helped him out.

Saturday, we had dinner with my folks at their place to celebrate everything that's been going on. Dad (who was, up until Saturday, a Public Safety Officer at a local mall) was telling a story that he had heard about a guy that was out walking his dog and was accosted by three robbers, and how the guy had shot one of them in self-defense. It was at this point that my dad uttered this sentence: "Of course, I was only talking to the paramedic because they vectored into the wrong entrance when the fire department responded to Santa Claus having chest pains." Of course, we made him go back and tell us that one instead.

Saturday night was a terrible night at the bar. Two women claimed that I threw out their drinks before I was through with them, which is a pretty well-known scam. While I was pouting over losing $4.50, a fight happened at the other end of the bar. Actually, two fights. I missed the first one, and in the second one the guy I grabbed (and got in the chokehold) was an off-duty cop (who was trying to help) that comes into the bar all the time that I'm buddies with. I didn't recognize him from the back of his head, and when I pulled him out of the pile he wasn't too happy. I felt bad about it, but he took it all in stride and we laughed about it later. The second fight was made all the worse by two idiots claiming to be Parker County Sheriff Deputies, who jumped into the fray without identifying themselves first and attacked a bouncer, putting our bouncer in a choke hold while punching him in the face. Unfortunately for this particular idiots, Tim is a better-trained in close-quarter combat (and a profoundly better fighter) and managed to break out of the chokehold, leg-sweep the moron and break his nose on the way to the floor. Speaking as a bouncer and as a former cop, that idiot had it coming, and had no business being involved in the first place, and certainly had no business interfering with the duties of one of our security officers engaging in the duties of his position and wearing a very clearly marked "STAFF" shirt. Personally, I'm glad that schmoe got his nose broken. After the second fight I was still grumpy at having lost my money, missing the first fight and grabbing the wrong guy in the second fight, and this lady wandered up to Tim and I and started shooting her mouth off, and would not shut up. Apparently, she knew somebody in one the fights, was still bent about something (I never figured out what) and was determined to make everybody in the bar see it her way. After she refused to calm down, I just kicked her out. It wasn't worth having her in the bar, and if she had stayed she would have likely caused Fight #3. She did not go quietly.

Church was great on Sunday, man - absolutely great. I LOVE seeing our church putting the Gospel into practice. Sunday afternoon we went Christmas shopping and got it all done before coming home and making a fire.

I've been able to juggle some budgeting stuff around today and Toni managed to get some good-sized paychecks expedited.

Tonight we're going to relax and be thankful for everything we have. Also, we'll eat popcorn.

See you guys tomorrow.

310

Well, here's how I see it.

My car got repossessed last night, which sucks, but was pretty much unavoidable at this point. I really liked that car, too. After the initial call, I have a few days to come up with a grand or so, which I can't do without taking it out of what I owe one of my contractors.

The short version is this: do I pay one contractor $1K now and eat $13K myself, or do I wait and pay the contractor $1K later and save myself $13K?

Odds are I can pay them in full in January. And oh, yes - the contractor will be pissed.

Morally, one could make the argument that morally I ought to pay what I owe people that have worked for me, and that's absolutely correct. I am continuing to pay them off, one by one, with no intention of stopping until they are all paid in full. However, do I not have a moral obligation to my wife and daughter to make financially responsible decisions as well? Does not going $13K further into debt fit into that category?

Who do I have a greater moral obligation to - my employees or my wife and child?

Should the contractor's quality of life (which in may respects is better than mine) be a factor? What I mean is I know they won't be forced out of where they live, get their car repo'd or starve as a result of having to wait a few more weeks. Sure - it'll piss them off to no end, but they're already pissed anyway.

Or, hell - I can just declare bankruptcy and be nearly free of all my debt, which I don't want to do. If I racked it up, I need to pay it off.

Regardless, the way I see it is this.

I'm falling into a giant hole that I dug myself. As I see it, I'm not going to stop falling until I hit the absolute bottom, and I don't know where that is, except I don't think it can be a whole lot further. The good news is when I hit bottom, I won't have any place to go but up.

Today I'm thinking that I might as well wait and see how much money I have when the date comes due and let that be the deciding factor, huh? Or do I decide beforehand and somehow MAKE the money happen? And I can do one or the other, but not both - unless God sends me a miracle or some kind, which I know he can do but that I don't really expect. And don't take that as a lack of faith - it's just reality. God generally doesn't bail out everybody, ya know? And he's bailed me out more than my fair share, and I figure it's my time to take a hit one way or the other. I figure I'm due.

Anyway, that's where I am today.

PS - I feel guilty when I buy food. Groceries. Noodles. Ground Beef. Sonic. Ramen. Anything. I feel like I should be giving that money to the people I owe. What's the deal with that? I know I need to eat, ya know?

306

Ugh.

I am disappointed in today's blog. It feels like I just phoned it in. Truth be told, I'm insanely grateful for my second job as a bouncer, even if it has it's share of unpleasantness. So far it's given me money to buy food with, and those quarters I pick up off the floor at the end of the night really add up. I do appreciate them for giving me a chance, and I work really hard when I'm there. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have a few hours to block out the rest of my troubles for a while and just think about menial things, like picking up empties and sweeping the floor. In a way it's sort of like a hobby, and I do really enjoy a good tussle now and then. Anyway, I thought I could get a funny blog out of it, but I'm disappointed in the way it turned out.

Hmph.

Carry on.

A few words from the service industry

As a bouncer, I'd like to say a few things here that I'm generally not permitted to say or I just don't have time to get into with folks at work. In no particular order.....

I throw away several hundred bottles of beer a every night. Odds are if I see your bottle and it looks empty, feels empty or feels warm I'm going to pitch it. If you're going to get mad that I pitched your Bud Lite - that's been sitting so the edge of the table for so long that the shallow layer of foam resting at the bottom of the bottle is warm - then maybe you should drink it a little faster. It's cheap beer, not a $50 glass of fine brandy in a snifter. Please finish your drink in a timely manner. I'm not saying you have to gulp it down at once - by all means, enjoy your beer. But please, please don't bitch at me because you won't drink 12 oz of booze in an hour.

I deal with bar glasses, too. See - the bartenders need those back when you're done drinking out of them. Other customers - which mean people other than you - would like to drink something as well, so when whatever you ordered has either turned into a glass devoid of any beverage whatsoever, has become an empty glass containing only ice, or has sat so long that all the ice has melted, I'm going to assume that you're done with it and I'm going to take it away. Be mentally prepared for this occurrence, and your time spent at our establishment will be much more pleasurable.

When you think you want one more drink, stop.

Old people can be mean, too.

After you vomit on the floor, it's a lousy time to try to convince me that you're really OK and that you deserve to stay. And even if your friend actually tells me "I can guarantee you that he's not going to get sick anymore. I promise." you still have to leave. The fact that this is really beyond his control is not lost on me. And people don't like vomit, man. It's nasty.

Our waitresses don't like being grabbed, fondled, or groped. We, however, take special pleasure in forcibly removing such offenders. We generally like to do this in groups, too.

If you can't keep your head off the table, it's time for you to leave.
If you can't keep your clothes on, it's time for you to leave.
If you can't keep your body vertical, it's time for you to leave.

When a bouncer asks you to leave, we don't care why you think you should stay. Trying to argue your point is merely irritating, and we aren't interested in debating you. Then point of discussion has passed. There is no explanation, revelation, or dissertation will change our minds. When you have to leave, you have to leave.

If you scream excitedly and climb onto the speaker platform to dance to "Crazy Bitch" it makes me think you have issues with your father.

The girls dancing with girls for attention has gotten old.

Bouncers don't have to be geniuses, but we are all familiar with the following formulas:

Inability to Shut One's Mouth is directly proportionate to the amount of alcohol one has consumed.

Fighting Ability is inversely proportionate to the amount of alcohol one has consumed.

Inability to Shut One's Mouth + Diminished Fighting Ability = Lose

When the bar closes, the music stops and all the lights come on, you have to leave. Even you. We are closed. Go home. Go to IHOP. Just go.

Bouncers are only nice until we close - then we can be as mean as we want.

No - I don't know anybody in the band.
No - I don't care if you're with the band.
No - I don't know who you are. So far, you're just a jerk.

If you tell me "I'm going to have your job" please mean it. It's just plain cruel to taunt me with that otherwise.

Pretty girls are only nice until they stop getting their way.

Flirting only works on single guys, honey. I'm not interested.

If you drop a quarter on the floor leave it. I'll pick it up after you leave. I need it.

I'm am not going to drive you home. I am not a taxi. Plus you might vomit in my car, and that would be unacceptable.

If you absolutely have to fight after we close, please walk ten feet steps south and fight in the parking lot. We don't care what you do in the parking lot.

If you have to fight after we close, please don't fight in front of the hot dog guy's stand. He's a nice guy and last time you guys broke his table. We have since become quite protective of the hot dog guy and are much more likely to thump on you.

We have ashtrays for a reason.

We have trash cans for a reason.

We have toilets for a reason.

We have a door for a reason.

Hey - thanks for coming. Come back and see us!

305

I guess I'll talk about the "serious" one first....

I have an opportunity to teach some high-school age kids at Celebrate Recovery. I have a few concerns, but the main one is that I'll botch it in some way.

I've led Bible studies before. I've taught Bible studies before, and I always thought I was pretty terrible at it. Now, in retrospect, I was an addict at the time and had no heart connection with God, only an intellectual one. I don't think I had the first clue what a real relationship with God was, just a pretty fair grasp on what "Good Bible Teaching" is supposed to sound like. Of course, if you have no real relationship with God, there's a really good chance that anything you say about God may sound hollow and fake. In the past few years I've learned that folks tend to respond better to heart than head.

Mostly all I think I'm capable of is relaying all of the things that God has done for me in my recovery, and what my experiences with God have been. I can do that with heart - no problem there.

But can I follow a curriculum and still show heart? I guess that's what I'm worried about. I'm concerned that I'll be so focused on teaching the material that I'll miss out on being able to convey my heart to them - does that make sense?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that God can use the worst, most broken vessel to do glorious things. This is a comfort to be because I know I'm still pretty broken a lot of times, but I'm not nearly as a mess as I used to be.

I also have to admit that I hate feeling like my life isn't all together yet, either. I'd SO much rather have a great testimony that ends with "...and I was happy, healthy and successful all the days of my life, forever and ever, Amen." I like being able to tie a nice, neat bow around the whole thing and having a really cool testimony to share about how God made everything roses and sunshine forever after that.

Uh-huh. 'Cause that's how life works.

But life doesn't work that way, obviously. I mean, I lost my house, I'm losing my apartment, I'm still broke and I'm moving into my parent's house to avoid being evicted. I wish I could say that recovery from addiction and financial success go hand in hand, but that's my own hangup and not God's, so I guess I'll have to deal with that.

I think that's more of me demanding "what have you done for me lately" kind of thing. I tend to forget how far God has carried me, and I get impatient when things aren't going the way I want them to, and I fall back into that rut of "I'm doing everything right, so why is all of this bad stuff still happening?". Man - you'd think I'd learn by now, huh?

And I have to admit I want them to like me, too. I really like being liked. I mean, who doesn't? I want to have real relationships with them, but I'm worried about falling back into my own foolish ways, trying to impress them with how cool I am and all that crap, when in reality kids can see right through my bullshit, and I know it. I so easily tend to forget that generally people don't love you for your successes, they love you for your flaws. I guess all I can do is go in, tell 'em what God has done for me, what I say I've been through, and let God do the rest.

Anyway, I guess that's where I am today. I think I'll go ahead and tell the guy I need to that I'll do it.

Thoughts?

304

I'm back! Get comfortable - I'm chatty :-)

Odds are I'm happier than the rest of you folks about being back in the swing of blogging, but I sure am glad to feel like I have a few minutes to write again. I know it doesn't make sense to everybody, but if I don't write I feel like my day is a little off; like I can't fully process my thoughts through or really keep everything in perspective. I hate being that swamped with stuff that really can't wait, but I guess every once in a while life just hands that kind of load to you and you have to just keep struggling through until you make it out on the other side, even if it keeps you from blogging.

Well, first off, Toni and I are moving to Flower Mound. My parents are leaving for Haiti in January, and their casa will be empty. Out of necessity, we're moving into their pad while they're gone, where we can get back on our financial feet again. As much of a blow to my ego as it is, I'm truly thankful for this opportunity. The truth is, we're in terrible financial straits, and this is a blessing beyond compare, especially when you consider that I have no clue where the rent for January was going to come from. It'll be just under $2100 to break the lease, but it's still (slightly) cheaper than being evicted, which seemed to be in the cards at the moment and would further bury my credit.

Good news on the house front - it looks like the house will close on Jan 15th. I'll be free and clear of it, and I'll have dodged the foreclosure bullet by going through the short-sale process, and I shouldn't have to bring out any more cash to the table. My credit will only be ruined for about two years instead of up to ten with a foreclosure or a bankruptcy. Now all I have to do is get back on schedule with my company's payroll, the Texas State Attorney Generals office, the IRS, our two car loans, student loans, and the rest of the unsecured personal debt (and few other little things) and I can start looking to buy some land and build another house.

Toni and I have been working for nearly 90 hours a week for the past four weeks in an effort to get caught up, plus my other job. I have four stages in our company's production, and we've finally gotten through stage #1. Hopefully we can manage to keep it going without putting that kind of intense labor in. It's tough on people to work that much, ya know? I especially hate having to ask my wife for help, but she's a real trooper and pitches in without complaining. I don't know what I'm gonna do when she get hired on, man. I like working next to her. We've been working at home, mostly - watching late-night TV and DVD's from Netflix. Our schedule has looked like this:

9:00 AM - wake up & eat cereal
10:00 AM - check PO Box for checks, do office work & pack orders
6:00 PM - go home, eat & pick up house
7:00 PM - go to DFW Airport & ship any orders
8:00 PM - 4:00 AM - make tests on front of TV
4:30 AM - go to sleep

(except on Thursday, Friday & Saturday, when I would work at the bar from 9 PM until 2 AM)

Every once in awhile we'd get to have a few hours off, though, and we'd get to do something fun. My buddy Eric took me shooting, and Toni & Brian came along as well. We all had a lot of fun. The range was PACKED, so we had to wait about an hour for two lanes to open. Eric is a freakishly good shot. He might be as good as my Dad, and I don't drop that lightly. Toni also got some more experience with a revolver and proved she can handle a .45 ACP as well as any guy I've seen, despite her protests to the contrary. For you fellow gun enthusiasts, we shot a Glock 21, a Kimber Pro Carry, a Charles Daly compact, an HK USP SOCOM; all in .45 ACP. We also ran a S&W Model 10 (.38 Special) and Eric also brought a little Walther .22, which was a fun little pistol. Then, later that night, we went to Babe's, where Brian found the biggest chicken leg ever.



But after that, the regular-sized chicken legs made him sad.



Code Name Diamond was in fine form.



And when I got home I got to clean my guns and drink some Woodchuck Draft Cider, which Toni got me for my birthday, because she's awesome. (I started in on the Woodchuck after I was done - I learned not to drink and clean guns - even paintball guns - a long time ago.



And Oscar found a good use the my range bag, too.



THEN......

A few days later, Toni and I went to the Grapevine Main Street Christmas Lighting, or whatever it's called. We had a great dinner at Napoli's, which is an Italian restaurant on Main Street.



We took a few more pictures....







And when we got home we discovered this one:



That one was kind of entertaining, I thought.

What else? I guess I've yapped enough for today. More tomorrow, some about funny stuff that happens at the bar, and a bit on our cats, and some about some recovery stuff I'm praying about that I could use some advice on.

Ahhhhh....I feel better already.


Day 303

On Monday.....

....I'll be back in the saddle again.

On Monday.

Still Sober ;-)

Monday

Here's the really short version...

Still busy working two jobs.
Still broke.
Still sober.
Still behind blogging :-(

I guess the biggest news is that we're moving again Feb 1st (into my folks house, once they move back to Haiti.) It's out of necessity, and will be a good move financially, long-term. Right now, though, I have really mixed feelings about it.

Plus the apartment is gouging us for $2100 for breaking our lease, which they'll get after I pay the people I need to.

'Cause, apparently, I just need to owe money to somebody else.

Rest assured, though, I'm "craigslisting" everything possible. Moving up three flights of stairs was a gold plated bitch, and I am loathe to ask for help again. My new rule is if I can't carry it down the stairs by myself it's not coming with us, so if you want some furniture for cheap (and when I say "cheap" I mean "free") let me know.

More details later when I have a few minutes to devote to writing a proper blog. Sorry for being so skittish last week; it oughta start calming down pretty shortly so I can get back to writing.

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Today I just feel deflated. Toni pointed out that I need to re-visit Step #4 & #5, and I'm taking her advice. I'm glad the 12 Steps never really stop. She also pointed out that I missed a day of my meds, and as much as I'd like to chalk it up to that I won't. Well, not entirely, anyway.

I have about 96 more hours of running flat out (work-wise) before I can begin to start thinking about only working 8 hours a day. It'll be nice to let the pace slacken a (very) little. I think the stress is starting to make me a little edgy.

I have several pics I want to post from the weekend and this week, but I left the camera in the car. I'll post 'em tomorrow.

My wife is really cool and very patient, and I'm really lucky to have her. I don't tell her that enough, and I think that part of the reason I hate being so broke is that it makes it a lot harder for me to show her how much I really do care about her. And I know that money isn't everything, but it sure would be wonderful to take her someplace nice every once in a while, ya know? She deserves it. I really do love her.

Meh - that's all for today. I'm going to get back to work, 'cause I need to, so I can get the money and pay the folks I owe and pay rent, and.......well, you guys get the drift.

I sure am looking forward to getting back on my feet again, but it's not going to happen by itself.

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OK - I (finally) have a few.....

Well, I think I said about everything I had to say about being gay, except I haven't touched on Gay Marriage, which I think was what started this whole thing in the first place.

First off, I have zero problem with gay folks getting married if that's what they've chosen to do. If two gay folks decide that they love each other and they want to spend the rest of their lives in a monogamous with each other, I'm fine with that. I also think they ought to be eligible to all the same civil & legal rights hetro couples are entitled to by virtue of the status of their martial relationship.

I think the only gripe I have is that I think the legal definition of the word marriage means the coming together of a man and a woman. Personally, I don't know why the gay folks would want to use a word that meant that. I would think that the folks fighting for Gay Marriages would want to call it a Gay Marriage, and not just a regular marriage - does that make sense?

I guess my only point here is that I think you can't change what words mean, ya know? Words mean things. Red means red. Up means up. If marriage means man and woman, then you need to modify it somewhat to make it mean something different. It's not a shot at gays whatsoever, just a disagreement with syntax.

What I mean is this: if you call it a gay marriage then you eliminate the problem with changing what the words means by adding the word gay in front of it. I don't think that takes away from it at all - it just makes it more accurate. I suppose my issue with it is more of a grammatical one than anything.

I hope that makes sense.

NOW.....

On Sunday night I had the parent of a kid I owe payroll to give me a call. No problem there, man. I owe their kid money, and I'm sure the parent wants their kid to have it. I have no beef with that whatsoever, and I'd have done the exact same thing if I was in this parent's shoes. I have no problem with anything said parent did.

I did, however, have a gripe when the parent said the following statement to me. I shall paraphrase:

"As a Christian Business Person, we held to a higher standard. When you don't pay your people, it really damages your testimony. I understand having cash flow problems, but you really have to pay your employees first. You should put your customers first, your employees second, and yourself last."

I respectfully disagree on a few points. I'd like to offer a rebuttal.

First, you have never, ever spoken to me a day in your life. I doubt you could pick me out of a lineup. We are not friends. We are not associates. You're not my father, my boss, or any kind of mentor. You have no authority to "counsel" me, sport. We don't have that kind of relationship. And I know that you'll use that verse in the Bible about how Scripture is good for rebuking, but I think you have to know the person well enough to be able to have this kind conversation with them.

I'm 36. Don't talk to me like I'm a kid, and you damn sure ought not to talk to me like I'm your kid or some teenager in a a Bible study group you lead, because that's how you sounded. I'm a bright guy, too. I can read and ride a bike and tie my own shoes and everything.

Don't tell me you understand having the problems I have, unless you've walked in my shoes and gone through the same shit, step by step. Lose your wife, lose your house, be in real danger of losing your cars, your visitation with your kid, going to jail, and being homeless and then tell me that you understand. Oh - and it would help if you were a recovering addict, too.

Don't tell me how I should spend my money. On a daily basis, I have to choose where to spend my money. My choices are the following:

I - Food, so I can eat.
II - Shelter, so I have a place to live.
III - Child Support, so:

A) I don't get my daughter yanked away from me
B) I don't go to jail, where I can't generate income

IV - Car, so I can get to work, and therefore keep generating income, so I can actually pay the money I owe.

See, if I put everybody else in front of me, I lose my apartment (as I've already lost my house), access to my daughter, my freedom and my livelihood.

But by God, my contractors would have gotten paid because that's what a good Christian does. Never mind that the job they had is gone because the company is gone because the owner is gone, though. Those are simply small details a good Christian shouldn't sweat, apparently. Hell - Paul wrote his best stuff in jail, right?

Occasionally, I get to pay a bill I owe, but that's only after I pay payroll. I have never, ever stiffed anybody on labor. Everybody that's ever worked for me has gotten paid every penny they have coming. Sometimes it takes a while, and they know this before they ever start. Know why it takes a while? Because I, and thereby the business, is just barely surviving. Understand that, sport. There's a difference between struggling and surviving, man. Right now I'm working on the latter. Try checking out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and see where paying your contractors fits in. I'm running on just the basics here, man, and let me assure you I didn't take a vacation and sip daiquiris on the beach with your kids money.

By the way - your kid knew the risks, man. We had a long talk about this before they even started. And perhaps it might be a good lesson to let your kid deal with it instead of you swooping in to rescue your kid. I think by the time they're 18 or so they ought to be able to start dealing with their own problems, and learn to start hearing "no - not now" a little bit. It's a good lesson, too. Hell - even God tells us "no" sometimes.

And don't ever assume that you know were anybody is in their spiritual walk, either, man. It comes across as very ivory tower, and really condescending, which I personally don't like.

Now - did I say any of this? No. There's no point, man. Cast not your pearls before swine, right? I know the drill. I know the type. There's no point because I'm not going to change the parent's mind one whit, and I'm not going to waste my time trying. I simply agreed subserviently and respectfully with the parent and went along with it and yessir'd my way out of it. And the kid will get paid when I get the money, which oughta be any day now, and just in time for Christmas, too.

And I'll freely admit it hurt my ego and my pride, and it made me really angry. And I know I have anger problems and all of that, and it I'm still a little bent at the kid for getting on me for paying for a wedding when I owed the kid money. And ironically, I spent less on the wedding then what I owe the kid. And if you're hurting for money that bad, go get another job. I damn sure did. And I'm looking forward to paying two of my contractors off and making sure they know they can never, ever work for me again before I 1098 them. I think a very small, very bitter part of me is going to enjoy that.

Ugh - I was hoping to feel better after I wrote this, but I don't. I was hoping that a good vent would cheer me up, but it didn't. I guess it was just one more kick when I'm already down, and I feel like I got kicked by somebody that doesn't know me at all and who apparently think they're in a position to deliver what feels like just another kick at me in the name of Jesus under the guise of "rebuking me in love" when Jesus already knows I'm trying.

Aw, fuck it. Tomorrow is another day. Back to work.

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PS: I'm bitter. I'm grouchy. I want to play the victim and bitch about how rough everything is and enjoy the view from this cross I've erected on top of my high horse. I freely admit it. I'll work on it, along with payroll and all my other bills.

No Blog Today

Very Busy...and I slept too late :-(

Work Stuff
House Stuff
Work Stuff
Work Stuff
Work Stuff

More tomorrow - lots to talk about this week.

- Weekend Recap (with pictures)
- Gay Marriage
- Christians (still) Love Rebuking, apparently

OK....see you cats tomorrow. Have a picture of Bigfoot playing the piano!

What I Think About Being Gay - Part II

Nature vs. Nurture and some other stuff....

I don't know for sure what "turns" folks gay. I know that there's arguments that it's a biological factor, or that it's result of childhood conditioning, childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and / or that it's a behavioral issue of some kind. Fact is, I don't know for sure, and I don't think anybody really does for sure. I don't think that there's one single factor that you can point to and say "that's it".

I think that often times the Christians are the ones that seem to have the biggest problem with it. I'd like to remind my fellow Christians of a few things.

You can't hold anybody accountable to God's laws if they're not Christians. Non- Christians can drink, swear, gamble, and screw whomever they want whenever they want. They're not held accountable to our standards, folks. Are we held accountable;e to the Muslim's standards? Nope - because we're not Muslims, and I'll wager they think they're right, too. This principle applies in all things that are specific to the core beliefs of Christian Theology, too. I think most of the world isn't Christian (as we define it) and we ought to remember that we are called by God to be salt and light and show His love for everybody instead of trying to be His little judges. So, if you ever run into a gay non-christian, how about trying to show 'em a little of God's love for them first (Because guess what? God loves gay people!) instead of telling them they're going to hell for being gay?

And regarding that pastor Fred Phelps and his congregation of cronies (that crowd that protests at the funerals of soldiers killed in the line of duty and murdered gay man Matthew Shepherd holding the "God Hates Fags" signs).....you guys are just plain assholes hiding behind a Bible.

I know that there are organizations (largely Christian-based, I think) that are primarily concerned with "bringing gays home", for lack of a better term. If I understand correctly, their basic tenet is that God didn't create folks to be gay, and that with the proper coaching, counseling, and/or spiritual guidance, they can "convert" them back to being straight. I know that there are many success stories of people who have previously been gay and have either returned to heterosexuality or converted to heterosexuality, having never been "straight" in the first place.

Man - I don't know where I land on this.

As a recovering sex addict, I know that sexual behavior can be controlled. I know firsthand from my own experience that sexual impulses, habits, triggers, desires and thoughts can be controlled - even ones that are considered unusual, abnormal, unhealthy or even deviant by most folks - but only if there's no extra-curricular pathology (biological factors) at work.

See - I think overall I am (and always have been) a fairly "normal" guy. I haven't had that any kind of strong sexual draw towards other guys - I just never did. I guess God didn't make me that way.

Ah-HA! Now we're on to something. How did God make us - really?

Now - let's take a minute on this one.

Did God make me an addict? Hrm - yes, and no.

Yes - God had a plan for my life that involved me working through an addiction and going through recovery so that I could that story of My experiences with God to show His love, His kindness, and His mercy in my own life, and to bring that good news to others. I firmly believe that with all of my heart, both emotionally and intellectually.

No - God didn't make me an addict, meaning that God didn't give me a genetic predisposition that might lead to addiction. Or depression. God doesn't make deformed kids. God doesn't make children with Downs Syndrome, Autism, blindness, deafness, fistulas, port-wine birthmarks, or two sets of genitals.

Horseshit.

I have no fewer than five recovering addicts (including me) on my mom's side of the family, and I don't know how many cases of clinical depression. Genetically, that predisposition runs in the family, man. There's no getting around that. And I have a family history of cancer, diabetes, and heart disease, too. Did God make us that way? Are we created in His image in that way? Does God have Depression, Autism, or Cancer?

Nope.

I'm going to chalk this one up to the Fall, as in the Fall of Man from God's Original Intent. If you look at basic human anatomy, I think there's a very strong case that God's original intent was quite obviously not for us to function sexually as with members of the same sex. Gay folks can't physically procreate, and I'd say the vast majority of folks don't have gay tendencies.

I think that being gay falls under the same umbrella as most of the other things that we don't necessarily like but that we can't explain why.

Hurricanes. Tsunamis. Cancer. Depression. Retardation. Deformity. Addiction.

I don't think that God had any intent for this stuff to be around originally, man. But I think that once Man told God "I can do this without You" the world became a place filled with stuff that God didn't originally have in mind for us - stuff that would end up being beyond our control.

I don't think anybody can control where a Tsunami hits.
I don't think anybody can control who gets cancer.
I don't think anybody can control if they're genetically predisposed to be an addict.

And I don't think anybody can control whether or not they have a gay "bent".

I think more than anything we as Christians tend to focus on the behavior of Gays, hold it up against scripture, see it doesn't line up, and point the mean finger at 'em and tell 'em how wrong they are instead of focusing on the person inside the behavior and the love that God has for them.

And let's face it - it makes us feel good.
It lets us say "Well, at least I'm not doing that."
It lets us look up at God and say "See? Look at what I'm not doing."

It makes us feel better about ourselves, because we generally immediately assume that God's more pleased with us for what we're not doing rather than what we are doing. I know I learned that growing up in church, especially at church camp. Yet we forget that by God's standards, we've all blown it way beyond anything we can salvage on out own.

Moses
King David
Paul the Apostle
Martin Luther
Billy Graham

They all blew it, man. That's why we need God.

Anyway, my point here is that I honestly believe that a large portion of gay folks (perhaps the majority; the ones that have the genetic predisposition) have little or no control over how their minds naturally function, and what's attractive to them sexually. It's not that they're "diseased" in some way or mind-numbed robots (far from it) but that in the same regard that we "straight" folks have our laundry lists of predispositions that we were born with, they have them as well - they're just different from ours.

So imagine this, all you straight people. Take every molecule of sex drive you've ever had, and imagine that it's focused on the same gender, and it feels 100% completely natural to you, and that the thought of having sex with a member of the opposing gender is completely appalling to you - much like the though I'm sure most of you have about having sex with a member of the same gender.

Now- obviously this falls apart quite a bit if you believe that being gay is caused my nurture or a dominating mother or a gender confusion issue of some kind; which essentially asserts that you think it's how you're brought up or it's based on what happens to you. I think there's something that can be said for that, but I don't think you can counsel your way out of biology. I think trying to counsel your way out of a biological issue is like trying to talk you way out of cancer. And no - I'm not equating being gay with having cancer, so please don't think that.

OK - more tomorrow. My hands are tired.

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What I Think About Being Gay - Part I

OK - let's get started.

First off, there's a lot that we have to admit that we don't know. We can speculate. We can hypothesize. We can guess. We can think we're pretty sure, but we don't know.

But before that, let's define some stuff, OK?

I'm going to use the term "gay" because the word "homosexual" (while technically correct) seems to get folks all riled up. And, culturally, "gay" is a generally accepted term, whereas "homosexual" tends to lead itself to sounding more "thou shalt not" that I intend to here. Make sense?

I think we all know gays engage in homosexual behavior - that's not really much of a secret, is it? That's sort of what makes them gay in the first place, I think.

OK - now that that's out of the way......

First off, what do I think "being gay" means?

I think it means that you are, deliberately and intentionally, engaged in sexual acts with a member of the same sex, and have made the conscious decision that you intend to continue seeking to engage in this behavior. Make sense?

I don't think a childhood tryst with somebody of the same sex makes you gay.

I don't think engaging in experimental sexual behavior with somebody of the same sex makes you gay. (Now, when it goes from experimental to something you do on a regular basis, it is, by it's very nature, no longer experimental. I think once you've made the decision that you've decided that this is where it's at for you, you've "crossed the line" so to speak - make sense?)

I don't think being molested by a member of the same sex makes you gay.

I don't think liking show tunes, wearing boxer briefs, getting your toenails done, having your hair perfectly groomed, being physically fit, owning a poodle, being a member of Cher's fan club or wearing pink makes you gay. Just because you happen to fit into some of the stereotypes doesn't make you gay. I know "Carousel" in it's entirety, and I know more show tunes than any other man I know, and I'm not gay.

I think that actually being gay is defined by your behavior more than anything else, though there are some other factors that come into play that tend to make it a gray area.

And I also there's room for debate as to whether or not you're actually gay if you think members of the same sex look really good to do but you don't act on it, instead choosing to remain celibate. Does that make you gay?

I think here you have to apply the same rule that God uses for us straight folks.

Temptation is not sin, guys.
Wanting to have sex is not a sin.
The urge to have sex is not a sin.
The need to have sex is not a sin.

And is sex necessary to sustain one's own life? No, not really, though it sure feels like it sometimes.

Rats - I have to digress here; this is a whole 'nother rabbit trail I'll have to get back to in a few days. I'll talk about it, though, I promise. this is gonna end up with what I Think God Thinks about Being Gay, and I'd sure like to end up there instead of getting there right off the bat.

So - back on track, I guess.

I think I have the right to talk about this a little (and have a shred of credibility) as I really do have a few gay friends. I love 'em - we've been through a lot together and I wouldn't trade those relationships for the world. I've had at least two ex-girlfriends decide that they were gay and even go so far as to get married, from what I understand. Back in 1995 or so, I was still talking to one of them when she was deciding that she might be gay after all. It was terribly difficult for her, too, and I didn't know how to handle it. I also had a really good friend of mine from high school come out of the closet his freshman year of college, and I didn't know how to handle that, either. I felt bad, because I really was good friends with him, too.

And yes - his name was Lance, and he played the flute. Fine....just make your own joke and get it out of your system. And yes - the boy was a sharp dresser and loved Madonna. If you're going to play the stereotypes, I should have seen that one coming.

Anyway, all of that to say this: nobody knows quite why anybody end up gay 100% of the time. I've also never met a single gay person that will tell you that it was their choice, either. I don't think anybody wants to grow up and be gay, but somehow, a lot of 'em know, and pretty early on, too.

I know there's arguments about "Nature versus Nurture", and whether it's a biological factor or conditioning. Truth be told, I kind of lean towards a biological factor, though I think on occasion childhood experiences can contribute.

OK - more on that tomorrow.

I'd put in a cat for these but I don't know of any gay cat pictures. :-(

And you gay folks that read - feel free to chime in, OK? I'll admit I'm talking way out of my element here, which is why I'm being sure to cage this as my opinion and not as fact.

All righty. Back to work.

285

Rats - slammed again.

I'm too behind up here to get it in today. I'm going to have to spread it out over a few days, and the first day I want to spend getting the definitions defined & terms clearly stated. Words mean things, ya know? I'll start tomorrow...really.

Sorry guys :-(

284

(I think when I get to 365 days I'm going to just start counting it as a year, and maybe start counting it from June 14, 2005 - which is when I started my recovery. Thoughts?)

Well, tar-nation......

This blog is taking me a lot longer than I thought it would, and I don't have it in me to post this one half-assed. As you can imagine, there's a lot of ground to cover, and I can't post it until I feel like everythng gets a fair shake, and even then I'm sure I'll leave something important out, though I'm trying my best not to.

Check back on Monday guys. Y'all have a good weekend :-)

281

Today's cat speaks for itself :-)

Sometimes Wednesdays are Mondays

I want to just go home and go back to sleep, though I really can't. I have a LOT of work to do. I'm sorely tempted to skip working at church tonight and stay home and do it. In fact, I think I probably will.

Folks I owe payroll to are rightfully pissed, and I can't do a whole lot about it except make the product, ship it out, and wait to get paid. I know I need to completely revamp how I run labor up here - I allowed it to get completely out of control this time, a mistake I won't repeat. I don't mind owing money to institutions as much as I hate owing people that have worked really hard for me. I finally got a "you paid for a wedding why can't you pay me" e-mail today. I though about letting them know the entire wedding was less than what I owe them, but there's really no point in trying to explain. I'm just going to get this stuff made, shipped and billed - and try to keep doing what I've been doing for the past six years, which is pay who I can as fast as I can as I get it. I'm already working two jobs, and I'm not sure quite how to squeeze in a third anymore. You can't get blood from a stone, people, and bitching at me doesn't exactly help.

I didn't want to blog today. I had a good one - What I Think About Being Gay, as it's been in the news lately, but I don't have time for that one today. I hope I can write it on Friday.

Well, enough non-work stuff. I have to get back to it. Come back tomorrow. Or actually, you can probably skip tomorrow and come back on Friday. I'm still going to be working.

279

Another Open Letter

I've been over this and over this the past several days, and I figure I might as well say my peace about it, though that indeed goes against my better judgement. I fully expect it to fall on deaf ears, as sorely needed advice generally does, but I figure it's my blog and I can say what I want. The most bothersome things is that I feel like I have to say this to adults and not to 13 year olds, but I've been there, so I understand how adults can act this way. I really do. So, here we go.

On making web pages with the intent to defame others....

It makes you look foolish, spiteful, and childish. It's the technological equivalent of writing "______ is a slut" on the bathroom wall or spray-painting similar garbage on an underpass. You only demean yourself, and your audience most likely consists of you and you alone. If somebody does it you you, let it go. You are not that important, and so much less is what one clown chooses to write about you. You have no control over another's opinion of you, nor how they choose to voice it. Keep your dignity, and walk away from the relationship that has caused you so much pain. Move Forward.

On refusing to communicate face-to-face....

Look - I've been through this, and from both sides, so I know of what I speak. E-mail and text messaging are inherently lousy ways to communicate. Interpersonal communication (which means actually meeting in person) is the only way to ensure that you are communicating effectively where interpersonal relationships are concerned. If you are knowingly and/or intentionally refusing to discuss whatever is bothering you face-to-face with the person with whom you have the issue, then it's painfully clear that you are more concerned with keeping control of the conversation than you are with resolving the problem itself. If you REALLY want to work through the problem and salvage the relationship, step out of your comfort zone, ,be a big boy or girl, and actually sit down with the person you have a problem with. Use your words. If I could I'd ban texting outright. It's caused me (and folks I've cared deeply about) nothing but pain.

On expecting irrational people to think, act, or speak rationally....

They won't.

Look - remember this:

Seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, and/or going through Pathways, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Tres Dias (or whatever worked for you) generally means that you are (or should be) a lot better at identifying and working through your own problems, whatever they are. Remember how messed up you were before you went in? I sure do. Well, guess what - folks that haven't made the commitment to get the help that they need are going to remain squirrley, unpredictable, hurt, messed up, angry, confused, irrational, addicts, ragers, codependents and whatever else they're afflicted with until they hit rock bottom, come to the end of themselves, and choose to go through some sort of healing process on their own. Until they choose to make this commitment, they're just going to continue to act out they way they always have. And generally, those who tend to speak ill of said programs either haven't gone through it for any one of a variety of reasons (too afraid to deal with their own issues or they haven't hit their bottom being the two primary reasons I've experienced) or they started the program and didn't have the gut to finish it, which I've also seen. I will say this, though - when they are really ready, the program will still be there. I've witnessed this both in Pathways and CR - everybody has their time, and it's not our call when that time is.

And don't get me wrong - you have to keep working it or it goes away, people.

Pathways won't fix you forever if you don't keep going back to what you learned in the room; and not just parts of it, either - ALL of it.

12-step programs of any variety (AA, NA, SA, CR) will all ultimately fail UNLESS you continue to walk those 12 steps each and every day.

Look folks, if you quit working what you've learned, it'll ultimately be like you never went through. This is a fact: own it. And let's face it - some folks can bullshit their way through, and they come out on the other side just very well polished assholes and better liars who have another layer of vocabulary to use. It happens: own it. And yeah - it isn't right, but remember two things:

A) You can't control it
B) They've just screwed themselves, and dug their own holes a little deeper

Programs are engineered to be life-long - remember? If something in your life isn't going the way you want it to, then you need to take a really serious, long, hard look at yourself, get out of denial, and figure out what the problem is - even if it's you. Even after successfully completing any program, there's times when you need to seriously re-evaluate which direction your life is headed, and adjust your curse as necessary. This is a fact: own it.

We would all do very well to remember this - especially me.

On keeping that hook in old relationships....

You have to let it go. There's a reason it ended. Don't forget all the bad things that caused the relationship to fail.

Remember the lying.
Remember the anger.
Remember the abuse.
Remember the drinking.
Remember the hate.
Remember walking on eggshells all the time.
Remember how it sucked the life out of you.
Remember the hurt.

But now it's over, and you don't have to experience those things anymore. Walk away. Let it be over.

And yeah - it's simple, but it ain't easy. Oh Lord - it ain't easy at all.

Now - this doesn't mean you have to walk away mad, OK? You can choose to walk away and not have an ill feeling in your heart about them, if you desire. You can choose to move on with your own life, and not try to be involved in theirs anymore. And it's hard, man. Oh, it's hard. It hurts - there's no way around that. But eventually, it goes away, and you've forged a new life for yourself and your family, and that old shackle is gone. It's good. It's healthy,. It's the natural way things are supposed to be. Hanging on to relationships that have ended isn't good for you, man. It strangles out the new life that you could (and should) be living. And (this one was the hardest one for me - and still is, on occasion) you need to remember one thing: they will be OK without you. God still loves them. God is still going to take care of them. Trust that God can do a better job than you can and walk away from them. Let 'em go. Oh - and one more thing: It's incredibly disrespectful and wildly inappropriate for you to keep floating that line out there. It's damaging to their new relationships, even if it's only serving as a distraction and not materially degrading it. Trust me - I know. I've done it.

And yeah - it's an addiction. You need to own up to that. It's hard to quit doing it. And when you quit doing it, you're actually going to go through some withdrawal symptoms that will only be attenuated by acting out and casting that line out again. I know - I've been there. I've done it. But you have to stop. And you can. You're strong enough to.

I know because I've done it. I have the authority to speak on this because I've seen this from both sides, and I know exactly what happens from both sides. I get to say these things because I've done it myself.

You spot it, you got it, right?

Anyway, that's all I have for today. Find the value, people.

I'll see you folks tomorrow.

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I got this today, too.

I think this is a huge reason that Toni and I work, if not the main reason. I think we both do out best to do things to lift the other up, and not tear each other down. I think it really helps our relationship grow, deepen and flourish.

Have a good one.


Take time to make a difference. Don't just obsess about how you can make your own life better. Think about how you can make somebody else's life better as well. Our attitude should be: Who can I encourage today? Who can I build up? How can I improve somebody else's life?

"Therefore encourage each other...."
~ 1 Thessalonians 4:18

Monday

Well - I am pleased to announce I had a great weekend.

The obstruction has been, um....eliminated. I'm a regular guy again, and I'm already eating a lot more fiber. I will be making a concious effort to improve my diet from this point on.

Business is picking up. Good news. I think Big Things are afoot.

I'm working on a short-sell for the house, which will enable me to have good (well, better) credit again in about two years instead of four, seven or ten.

Code Name Diamond was with us this weekend. She was grounded, which meant no TV, no radio and no friends, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise because it meant we got to spend more time with her. We got her room 99% cleaned out, and she was happy to donate a pile of toddler toys about three feet high, two feet wide and four feet long. That made me really proud of her. We also taught her how to play chess. She's picked it up pretty well, and she really likes playing with Toni and I. We also made tremendous progress on the bike riding front, too. I think her confidence level is growing in that regard, probably due to the fact the she can easily reach the ground with her feet now, and that lends her a better feeling of security. I get that one, myself.

Toni is doing a great job of being a Mom, too. It's a hard gig regardless, and when you're suddenly dropped in to the role like she was, it's all on-the-job training. She's a trooper, and the two of em are getting along wonderfully and doing a great job of figuring out where the boundaries are.

Cheerleading is over, and as much as I love my daughter I'm glad to be free of her profoundly disorganized and lazy coach, and a lot of the parents as well, particularly the one dubbed "The Child Abandoner" because of her propensity to leave her two year old in the care of other parents and then vanishing for up to 30 minutes at a time. We might enroll her in another organization next time.

I don't like being so tired on weekends that I bounce at the bar, but the paychecks make it a little easier. On Saturday night I was barely moving, I think, and by Sunday night I felt fairly zombie-esque. I slept in late today, and I think I'm all caught up.

My Mom and Dad came to see me get my black 9-month chip. That was cool, and I was glad to see them there.

OK - back to work.

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Bah

Nothing new today. >pout<

I'm tired, feeling weak, puny and whiny. I'm tired of juice, water and Gatorade. But today, I can eat again! I9'm taking9 it 9easy,9 9tho9ugh - on9ly foo9ds I t9hink ha9v9e 9a r9eas9on9able9 9ch9ance9 of9 making it thro9ugh9.

Huh - apparently my 9 key was stuck. Fixed now.

Oh - tonight I pick up my 9 month chip. Yay - nine months. It's a black chip, to represent that we're no longer living in darkness. That's pretty cool, that black chip.

Black. Like my insides. Yuck.

I'm on the second day of prescription stool softener & laxative. The "golf ball" (as it's come to be named) seems still firmly in position. It may be eroding a little at a time, but I'm unable to pass anything solid nor am I able to feel any change. I'm giving it until Monday then I'm gonna call the doc to see what's next. He's all set to order X-rays / MRI and all that jazz, but we're going to wait and see if we can knock it loose the old fashioned way before we resort to surgery or shrinking down scientists in a tiny spaceship a la "Fantastic Voyage".

OK - that's it. I'm calling it a day. This is worse that the cat litter posts. See you guys on Monday, and have a great weekend. Hopefully by then I'll be a regular guy again (thanks to Cousin Erin for that joke - I thought it was pretty funny!)

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I'd like to move it, move it.....

The bowel obstruction, that is. My beloved wife and I just got back from the doc. I've been given a prescription for several packets of something-or-other and been advised to stop all other meds until this resolves itself. The doc assures me (with a sly grin) that this prescription will "break it down" and "get it moving", which may be code for "stay near a toilet". I'm on clear liquids for another 24 hours and have been given clearance to go to work at my second job. (I was concerned that if I went in and took a hit to the gut it might rupture, but the doc says I should be OK.)

And I really want a hamburger, too. From Dairy Queen. Or Braums. I don't like being on a liquid diet at all - it's not very filling. But enough about my digestive troubles, huh?

I got my Friday night shift covered at the club so I can go to CR, so that's good. (Thanks, Tim!) I have the 28th off, too. Toni has plans for me, evidently, though I'm in the dark about the particulars.

I'm kind of a baby when I'm sick. I don't do anything except lay there and beg my wife to do stuff for me. I don't lift a finger to help her with anything, either. That's not cool, man. I need to shape up a little and start pitching in more. She's a great wife and I ought to appreciate her a little more, and make sure she knows it. I do appreciate her, more than she knows, especially when I'm sick. I should do a better job of showing her.

OK - back to work.

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Update: I just looked at what constitutes a "clear liquid" diet, which I must adhere to for 24 hours. I almost want to cry.

No Blog Today. Well, not really.

As I have a lot of errands to run and frankly, the most pressing issue I'm experiencing isn't anything any of you want to read about. It's kind of gross. Let's just say today I'm eating laxatives & stool softeners like candy. I even went to far as to consider an enema, but I think the problem is too far "upstream" and therefore out of effective range. I feel nauseous and sick, and last night I was running a fever of 101.5 - Tylenol seems to have knocked it out, though.

I think I may have wandered out of constipation town and into the realm of obstruction land. The former I can handle, and have done so with aplomb on a few previous occasions, always emerging triumphant. However, the uh...problem seems to have stalled out somewhere in the hallway and has not made it into the airlock, so to speak.

Toni has given me until tomorrow to get this resolved on my own; she as advised me that she will forcibly deliver me to the doc if I resist in any way. She's already made the appointment just in case.

I don't know if it's medication related or not. My initial inclination is to blame a bowl of rather dry pinto beans and two slices of dry toast I ate after I got home from work on Saturday. You Pathways folks can make your own joke there. Either way, I'm still popping antibiotics for my UTI, my regular therapeutic dosage of Anti-depressants, and now you can add Gas-X strips , stool softeners and laxatives tho the mix. I feel like some kind of horrible reverse candy machine. I haven't taken this many pills in my life, and I don't like it at all.

Good Gravy - what a crappy blog.

No pun intended.

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Not Much - and a LOT

Today I'm just going to shamelessly steal from other blogs, as nothing much is going on here. Well, a few things are going on, but I don't think you (all) folks want to hear about my gas pain and potential bowel obstruction. Also, the banks and post office are closed today, so there's not much to do up here, other than pack up all the orders Toni and I made last night in front of the TV, watching movies. Unfortunately, our sleep schedule is now COMPLETELY out of whack, which I (we) need to fix.

First and foremost, congratulations to Mike & Tara Welsh. They had their baby - and you can read all about it here. Tara and I have been friends since 1987, and I couldn't be happier for them. You can read about it all HERE. Congratulations, guys - I wish nothing but the best God has in store for all of you!

Secondly, I would be remiss if I didn't draw attention to something that happened to my brother Brandon a day or so ago. Be forewarned - it's simultaneously appalling and hysterical.



Thirdly, though certainly not least, today is Veterans Day. Thank you, to all of the servicemen and women, past and present, who have served their country. There's a lot of us who haven't forgotten about you, and who never will.

Tonight is date night, which ought to be a lot of fun. We haven't had an actual date in weeks - way too long.

I'm going to wrap it up here and get back to work.

Oh - I'm at 9 months! YAY! Friday I can pick up my black 9-month chip, provided I can actually make it to CR, as the bar has me scheduled to start at 7, which I'm not exactly thrilled about. I'm going to have to talk to them about that, man. I still need my Recovery, ya know?

OK - that's it for today. See you guys tomorrow.

PS - Pony, we have a lot of gun stuff to discuss :-)

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Busy....

....which means I wasted the first half of the day because I slept too late, because I was up too late last night.

So there's no blog today, because I'm playing catch-up :-(

Carry on!

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Today I've decided to post some of the things that I think make my wife super-cool. This is by no means a complete list, but just a short sampling of a few of the first things that made me really start to like her. I mean, I know how cool she is, but here's some stuff you guys might not know. And, despite what you may read here, she's not made of steel nor does she have any bionic parts.

OK - let's begin, shall we?

She once won $50 playing "Money the Hard Way".

What's "Money the Hard Way", you ask? It's when they attach a yellow ribbon around the horn of something called a Mexican Fighting Bull (whose name alone terrifies me) and put it out in the middle of a rodeo arena, where people try to pull the ribbon off the horn without being killed. Mexican fighting bulls look like this:



And they do things like this:



My sweet wife pulled the ribbon and won.

My wife once had another bull knocked her down, stomp on her leg and mangled her knee. She got up and went to the bar afterwards. I would have died on the spot, I think.

My wife can ride a horse, train a horse, and race a horse through barrels without falling off. I'm afraid of horses, because they're huge and you never know what they're thinking, and they can stomp on you or kick you - both of which have happened to her, in addition to the being bucked off and bitten. Horses suck.

(Ugh..... save your comments and e-mails. I know horses don't really suck, I'm just not a "horse person", and they scare me. It's a control issue on my part, I know.)

My wife's jaw is held together by 16 metal screws. I haven't even broken a bone.

My wife has a degree in Emergency Management, and has had courses in terrorism (both foreign and the home-grown kind). She's written the mass-caasualty disaster-response protocols for towns you've actually heard of, and done them well enough to have them adopted. (This was very important in the writing of the Zombie Contingency Plan.)

She was the key witness in a felony DWI case and personally put a repeat drunk driver behind bars.

She's gone through tactical EMS training, where she learned to do things like start IV's and intubate (put an air tube in) patients in complete darkness - and - while being shot at.

In her ten years as a paramedic, she's worked cases as a paramedic that would give the rest of of nightmares, and in some pretty terrible places and under some pretty terrible circumstances, including one where the killer (shooter) was still on the loose and still in the area. She saved her patients lives in the process.

When one of her patients (a prisoner) took a swing at her, she blocked the hit - just like she trained to.

She was trained as a rescue diver.

She was a firefighter, and actually worked accidents and fought fires. And she wore the whole firefighter uniform when she did it, too. Big coat, helmet, boots, air mask - the whole getup. Those things are heavy, man.

She's worked through some stuff on a personal level that frightens most people badly enough that they spend their entire lives trying to avoid it.

When she took her CHL class, she easily qualified with a gun she'd never fired before, and only the second time she'd ever fired a handgun for real. She did it with numb and freezing fingers, in 20-degree weather, with the sun in her eyes.

She looks beautiful all dressed up.
She looks beautiful in jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt.
She can make awesome beef enchiladas.
She cries at the Key Ceremony in Mexico.
She beats me almost nightly at chess. And rather badly, most of the time.
She loved drum corp.
She pitches in and helps me work.
She loves my daughter like her own.
She supports me in everything I do.
She encourages me daily.
She prays with me every night, and reminds me when I forget.
She is going to go with me to the dentist 'cause I'm scared.
She can take care of herself, but still lets me take care of her.
She likes my cooking.
She is financially responsible.
She compliments me all the time.
She is always honest with me about everything.
She makes it safe for me to be 100% honest with her.
She has two cats that love my cat.
She forgives me when I mess up, no matter how badly or how often.
She bakes wonderful desserts and makes great pies.
She promised to make me fudge for Christmas.
She doesn't quit when times get rough.
She holds me accountable, but does it lovingly.
She is sweet and kind.
She likes "King of the Hill"
She has a sense of humor just like mine.

She's never - EVER - spoken a harsh word to me, even when I've SOOOOOO had it coming. That's a big one. too

I think that's a pretty good list, for starters. I think I could probably do this all day, too. I think I probably will, too - just not here.

See you guys on Monday.

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