Thursday was such a weird day

So early this afternoon Toni and I went to look at a truck I'm considering buying. It's across the street from Toni's mom's house, oddly enough. That's where the normalcy stopped (more on the truck at the end).

After a short test run, I was about to start a more in-depth look over when we heard screaming from across the street. We quickly figure out it's Toni's brother (who never screams) and we take off across the street to discover that her mom's place has been burglarized again, and this time they not only utterly ransacked the place they stole everything they could carry. After quickly clearing the house on my own (which was scary, to say the least) the cops arrived, cleared the house again, and spent the next few hours dusting for prints, searching for evidence and reconstructing the crime scene. Toni's family lost electronics, jewelry, and whatever sense of security they had from the last time they got broken into. Frank (her Mom's boyfriend, a retired US Marine and Vietnam vet) and I did a quick area search to see if we could turn anything up, but we found nothing other than where the thieves had fled. I think the cops did a pretty good job with what they had to work with, which wasn't much. I'm pretty impressed with Lewisville PD at the moment; our officer was very well-trained, courteous and professional.

While I was at Toni's mom's, I did get good (wonderful) news that we're still in the running for a massive bid that will really help our little company. Good news - praise the Lord!

Then I found out that Katie (Toni's sister) had a date tonight with a kid (Jerry) from this family that used to live up the street from us when we were living in a rental house in Lewisville. I know that had a rough time of it growing up, and my mom always tried to help them out whenever she could. I think I was too young and selfish to appreciate how good my brother and I had it, and I'm sure I could have been a better, nicer kid. Anyway, Katie works with his sister (Tammy). I don't know why, but I found that weird.

And I got to work late because I was helping with the aftermath of the break-in, so we stopped at Panda Express (on the way in) and ate outside because it was such a pretty day. When I got to work I discovered that Chipotle Burrito had come by and offered us all free dinner. Damn.

After work Toni and I went back over to her Mom's and boarded up the two smashed windows they lost today. Home Depot is getting business from this. Her mom, sister and brother seem to have recovered OK, but I doubt they slept through the Skilsaw and the hammering.

When we finally got home after a late night run to WalMart for cat food and fresh litter, I heard Scrappy (my parent's cat) crashing against the garage door and generally beating the almighty hell out of another critter outside. I went out carrying a pistol and a flashlight in case it was a coyote, but he had run it off already and all I saw was Scrappy stomping across the yard, looking surly.

Now my allergies are killing me. I sorely need to vacuum - the cats are now shedding fur by the bale. And I have to be at work in six hours. Wah.

OK - here's the skinny on the truck.

84 Ford Bronco Hard Top Convertible - $1500

- 5.8 liter HO 351 Windsor w/4 barrel cab (horrible mileage, I know)
- 4WD
- 154K miles
- A/C needs recharging (freon)
- new battery
- no leaks
- engine and transmission feel solid, test drove just fine
- engine recently overhauled (owner was a mechanic)
- previous owner is Toni's neighbor (elderly widow & honest seller)

A little rust on the exterior & chrome, badly faded paint. I'll need to buy a spare tire, too, but I can score a used one pretty cheap. The tread is pretty decent on the other four with no uneven wear. The interior is awful, but JC Whitney can fix that easily with not too much cost. Plus it'll give me a chance to restore a car (I had to abandon the Fairlane), and maybe give it to Audrey when she's old enough. My commute to work is a whopping 9 miles round-trip. Plus in a crash, the big iron horse wins. Thoughts?

One thing - my brother/parents have a Honda Accord in running condition they'll let me use as long as I need to for free. But here's the thing - I'm living in my parent's house. I'm eating their food, sleeping on their bed, under their roof, and driving their cars when necessary. I want (and need) to get back on my own feet again, and I think a solid, reliable paid-for truck would be good for my pride. And yeah - I think it's cool, and I think my daughter will one day, too.

Anyway, I'm going to bed before anything else weird happens.

459 'cause now it's Friday.

What an early start

I used to want a pet ferret when I was a kid. I think they might be a bit stinky now, and I'm always afraid I'm going to break one when I pet them at the store, but I still think they're kind of cool. If you ask me, though, owning a ferret is just one step above owning a rat, which is just one step away from owning a snake, which is just one step away from being a little creepy.

I'm up early today because Toni got up and made bacon, which I can rarely resist. She used her George Foreman grill, which melts the fat off and cooks it very evenly, which is no easy task, either. She made glorious bacon this lovely Wednesday morn.

Today I'm gonna work on the cat box, which ought to be more practical than my spear but not as much fun to make. I think I might try to make a knife next. I already learned that dipping heated steel in used motor oil raises the carbon content of the steel. How cool is that?

I have visitation with the kiddo today as well, and a visitation weekend with her, too. I don't know what we're gonna do, but it'll be outside, whatever it is. Probably practicing riding the bikes. And getting a sno-cone. That sounds really good.

I guess some folks are still really worked up about Mr. Lee being let go from CBC, my old church. I don't know if it's bad form to comment on this or not. I guess it's no secret that Mr. Lee and I rarely, if ever, saw eye-to-eye on much. For whatever it's worth, he'll do fine. He's a resourceful guy and this isn't going to ruin his life. Churches go through staffing changes, people. It's part of life.

In some respects, churches are run like businesses and sometimes people that you like are let go, sometimes for no other reason than they weren't a good fit for that organization any longer. I got fired for that once when I was a cop. It happens.

Odds are the elder board at CBC thought they were making the best decision they could. When you're not in charge, give the folks in charge a break. Remember Romans 13, too. No church is perfect, guys. They're all flawed, and they're all run by people, all of whom are flawed. Suck it up - there is no perfect church. God is a hell of a lot bigger than all of this stuff anyway. Just make sure that you're still looking for God's face in everything instead about getting focused on and bitching about what His hands are doing. As messed up as ALL of us are, we're all He has to work with down here.

457

You know what's hard work? Building a spearhead from raw materials - using only hand tools.

So I started off with a 1" wide band of galvanized steel. After roughing out the basic shape I heated-treated the blade (with a blow torch) until it was red hot and then dipped it in a tub of cool water to make the metal harder and less flexible, and to cause it to hold it's edge better. It turned out OK, especially for a first try. I'd like to try it with an actual forge and bellows, anvil and hammer some time. Anyway, here's how it came out. It's friction-fitted and cross-bolted onto about a 6 1/2' long 1" diameter shaft. I think it was a hanging bar out of my neighbor's closet. I found it in the trash.


The metal has changed color after the heat-treating. I used a file to start the edges of the blade. I ended up with the bowie-knife style tip by accident; I ended up badly hacking up the blade's tip on one side and was forced to use a blade design other than what I had intended. It'll still work, though. Against zombies, I guess. I don't want to use it against hogs, though - I'd have to make a different one if I'm going to use it against feral hogs.


I ended up going with a 7" blade as the steel isn't as hard as I'd like. I'd like to try it again some day with some nice carbon steel and the proper metalwork tools to create a nice, long (12") double-edged tip. The next time I want to wrap the blade end of the shaft in strips of wet rawhide and let it dry in the sun. I'd also like to made a spear scabbard as well. Maybe next time.

Aside from that I did almost nothing. I helped Toni (very, very little) work a bit. I got my Sonic and my tater tots, and we ate leftover BBQ from yesterday, which tasted better than it did the first time. Toni's feeling a LOT better, which is no small feat. On Sunday morning she got food poisoning, or it kicked in from Saturday night. She was sick as a dog, man, like throwing up your insides out kind of sick. It took a lot out of her, and she was really weak all day on Monday and a still a bit work down today, but she's able to eat again and hold it down, which I'm glad for. We think it was that same Taco Cabana that messed up my steak fajita taco and then argued with me about it. I shan't forget their poisoning my beloved too quickly, either. Maybe I ought take my spear in there and give them the what-for.

No news on the car. When the lady call us back we'll go look at it, but we didn't get to go see it today. It was a pretty relaxing day anyway. Tomorrow I think I'm gonna have another one, but I think I'm going to work around the house a little. And help Toni out more, too.

And I didn't say anything else on Brent's blog, either. I think they're saying enough amongst themselves. I have to admit I'm pretty glad not to be involved past being a mere observer.

Have a cat.



456

Today was Monday, all day long.

I did no work whatsoever. I did go for a short walk with the wife, eat a dinner of BBQ pork ribs (which I cooked - successfully), macaroni & cheese, corn-on-the-cob and sweet tea. Tomorrow I'm gonna do a little work around the house and start working on my spear. I'm pretty happy to have two more days off from the theater.

I think I accidentally pissed off some folks on Brent's blog. I don't think they're too happy about a staffing change at my old church, which I get. From my point of view they chose to bring it up on Brent's blog when he was trying to give his thoughts on Memorial Day, and I thought it seemed to be in bad form, so I opened my mouth (I could have been less abrasive, I guess) and they weren't impressed. At any rate, it's not my fight as I haven't gone to that church in years (and it's not my place to comment and nobody has asked for my opinion anyway) and I don't want to get involved in any way with any of it, so I'm not going to comment on that thread anymore. I think they think I'm somebody else, anyway.

Tonight we went over to my mother-in-law's house for a bit and we saw a car (truck, actually) for sale. I'm thinking about buying it, or at least weighing the pros and cons. Eventually, I'm going to need a second car, and this seems like it might be a good deal. The price is right, too. I'll find out more tomorrow. I think we're gonna go look at it up close. More on that as it comes, I guess.

I've been feeling pretty good recovery-wise these past few days. I'm learning to enjoy not having a lot of unhealthy feelings to deal with, especially concerning females. It's a nice reduction in stress, too.

I do wish I could figure out a healthy release for some of the tension, frustration or anger I do experience. I guess that's why the bouncer job (maybe just one night a week) sounds pretty good to me. We'll see what happens with that, too.

There's a kid at work that got fired recently (not the girl, a guy) for making a really bad decision outside of work hours. I think I'm going to help he kid out, where I can. I think I can try to help the kid find a new job, because he's going to need all the help he can get for a while. I don't think he's a bad kid, personally. I think he might need a little guidance and some good influences, and I know a few guys that might can help in that regard. I can't control what he does or help him beyond what he lets me do, but I think it's OK for me to do my best to help him find some good folks to be around and to do my best to let him find the straight and narrow (so to speak) for himself.

Anyway, that's it for tonight. I'm gonna go watch "2010" with tha' wife.

Tomorrow all I have planned is go to Sonic and get some tater tots. And make a spear.

455

Good Lord - it's Sunday

I have to work another 10-hour shift at the movies tomorrow, then I'm off for three days. I plan on not working for at least one of them, maybe two. I'm gonna build my spear instead. I wish I had an anvil and a furnace, but I think I'll have to make due with the concrete porch and a Mapp gas torch.

Tonight (at work) I had to eject a former employee from a movie because she and her boyfriend snuck in and stole a bag of leftover popcorn (from the janitor's closet, mind you) when the on-duty employees wouldn't feed her any for free. I told her very clearly that she is not to set foot on the property again, but odds are she'll be back tomorrow, and odds are she'll leave in the back of a squad car. As much as I dislike her personally because of conduct, I feel sorry for her - she's making some pretty terrible decisions that are going to mess her up for a very long time, and she's only 17.

It's funny - ever since I made that post admitting & acknowledging I have a soft spot for an ex-girlfriend, it's been a lot better. I feel a lot more serene now than I did before I owned it, and I've made my peace with it. I appreciate you guys support in all of this. I'm trying to figure out if I have more to say on this or not, but I think I need another day to think.

And now, a litter box update.




It's been that kind of week. Pumba, who is a massive cat, has had some trials keeping his droppings and his tinkle inside the litter box when the cover is on, preferring to hang his backside out the door when he does his business, so we leave the cover off to help him. he also doesn't understand that to cover his mess he has to actually push litter over it, and generally just hops out, paws the tile a few time and abandons the project. I think I'm going to modify the litter box cover so that they can only enter from the top instead of the side, and we'll see what that does. He's a sweet cat, but I'm not sure how bright he is. Timone is the sharpest one of all of them, hands down.

No news on the getting-another-job-as-a-bouncer front. I'll have to go back next week and talk to the folks in charge. While I know I may have a large order coming, I have to prepare for the worst and act like it's not. I only want a night or two a week, just enough to let me vent the stresses of life and make a quick buck or two until I get out of debt.

OK - it's 2:11 AM. I'm going to bed so I can go to church, tithe, get my worship on and come home before I go back to work.

454

won't you be my (jerk) neighbor?

Thursday:
We have a neighbor that snuck onto our yard last weekend and "pruned" one of our trees. We weren't home (one of our workers watched him do it), we didn't ask him to do it, and he threw all the leftover scrap branches in our side yard up against the house. He's also the guy that complained to the city about our cats, called code enforcement on our parents for not throwing away a pile of wood fast enough and generally being kind of a tool when we talk to him. From one perspective, he's doing something nice for us. From another, he's committed two minor crimes - trespassing and criminal mischief (vandalism) because he did it without our permission or consent, and them left a mess in our side yard. Si far I've taken the high road and given him the benefit of the doubt, choosing to take it as an attempt to be neighborly and not an ass. I called the city and they said to drag the pile of branches to the back, bundle them up and the city will throw 'em away. In the meantime, do I go over there and ask him not to do that anymore, or to come over and throw away the branches next time, or file charges?

Proud Dad Moment: Our daughter entered the science fair a last week. Her project was "Peanut Madness" and it was about how many peanuts it would take to cook a piece of bacon. The answer: one, apparently. I couldn't have been prouder. Afterwards, we went to her open house and saw her classroom & all the cool stuff she's learned and done this year. We came home and watched "2001- a Space Odyssey", which is a very cool (and very unusual) film.

-> a whole day passes and I don't get to post anything because I'm working.

So tonight I had an irritating time at work. My boss can be a tad overbearing and is a bit of a micro-manager, which I dislike. The terrible employee I fired last week showed up again for no discernible reason, as did no fewer than 6 other employees, despite the rule that says that "hanging out" at the theater off-duty is against the rules. Oh - and one of the kids has a mohawk he's been whining about having to shave off, and tonight he managed to parade it right in front of the big boss, who evidently told him to lose it. He probably might have been able to hide it under a ballcap had he not decided to be such a dummy about it. And there's a girl that insists on talking like a baby or standing way too close and trying to act cute. I swear - if she does that crap tomorrow I'm going to tell her that I'm not going to respond to or otherwise acknowledge her unless she talks to me like an adult. I think I might do it anyway.

And tonight I came to the realization that I miss being a bouncer. I miss the fighting most of all. I stopped off at a bar on the way home (it's less than ten minutes away) and picked up an application. If I can work up there one night a week I think it'll help take some of the whuppin' angst off of me. After working with teenagers for the past eight weeks I've started to miss the drunks. At least you can slap them around a little.

I have three days off next week. I think I'm going to make my spear. I'll take some pictures.

451

I'm 36 and I'm making $8.50 an hour, I haven't made that little working full-time since I was 22. It's not even close to the "living wage" I need to be making to meet my financial goals and obligations, especially when 75% of it is being garnished by the AG's office. Tonight it bothers me some.

I know I should be grateful to have a job at all. I know there are a lot of people who have no job at all and who would be grateful for the job I *do* have. Tonight I've been wondering why God has me where He has me, and what I should be learning and/or doing. The only thing that's keeping me from being really frustrated is that somehow He's working some kind of plan that I don't understand; and evidently that has me doing the job of a high school graduate that's still too young to legally drink. It's hard on my ego and my pride. I feel like I'm too (fill in the blank here) to be doing this job. How much of that is egocentricity and how much of it is recognizing that maybe I ought to be doing something else more closely matched to my experience and skill set?

I need to be clear on something else, too. I'm not in love with another woman or thinking about leaving my wife (as if) or having serious marriage troubles or anything, so you guys can get that out of your head, if that's where you were. The problem I've been tiptoeing around here is this: Truth be told, I still have a soft spot for one of my ex's and that bothers me. I've (finally?) gotten real with myself and stepped out of denial about it, but I think I may have over-though and over-analyzed this. I think I've made a bigger deal out of this than I needed to. I mean, do I just acknowledge and accept that that's how I feel, adjust my behavior accordingly and move on? Is it normal to have soft spots for your ex's, realize that either there's nothing you can (or should) do about it and go about your day?

And knowing I have a soft spot for an ex bothers me in and of itself, I mean, I'm married. You're supposed to not have any feelings for anybody you used to date or were in a committed relationship with, right? You're supposed to only think about your wife, not have anything remind you of anybody else ever, and forget every moment you lived, every moment you had, every memory you created and essentially wipe out the days, weeks, months and years you lived before your wife, right? I mean, isn't that what being married is all about? And I know that's what I've read on every single Christian marriage book I've ever read, and that's what I've heard in ever single marriage sermon I've ever heard.

But.....

Doesn't that require us to quit being human? I mean, don't we all have those feelings, whether we admit it or not? Is it realistic to believe that we can really live our lives without ever remembering anybody we cared about before we were married or completely ignore whatever feelings we carry? Isn't that lying to ourselves or to our spouses when we experience those feelings and don't acknowledge them, try to hide them, and/or don't deal with them honestly?

And I'm not talking about infidelity (either emotional or physical) or harboring fantasies or planning some kind of rendezvous or plotting how you're going to get back together or thinking "what if" or sneaking around or communicating behind your spouses back or anything like that - I'm talking about admitting the feelings you do have, acknowledging them for what they are, adjusting your behavior if necessary (including discussing it with your spouse) and going on with your life? Surely I'm not the only one that deals with this.


I think the second option is healthier that the first, and more honest. And less stressful.

Anyway, that's where I am tonight. I have a soft spot for my ex. I own it, I understand the consequences of that, and I'll deal with it as appropriate. And nothing has changed between me and my wife, aside from me loving her more today then I did the day I married her.

450, because I haven't gone to bed yet.

Coupla things.....

I guess I have a few things to get off my chest. Today I felt like a bad dad. I've been talking all weekend about going biking to the park with our daughter, and today we canceled it because she wasn't trying. She just wasn't, man. She was just puttering around with her feet and refusing to put her feet on the pedals and ride, which I know she can do, and then she got whiny. After trying to get her to put forth a little effort and giving her several chances, we turned around and came back home before we made it out of the alley - it took us nearly ten minutes go go 50 feet, and we had a limited amount of time. And I'll admit - I got frustrated with her and a little mad because she was just giving up because, as she put it, "it was hard". I told her that I wouldn't let her quite and give up when something got hard. We had a long talk about all of this, and I stood my ground and we didn't go riding, but I sure felt bad about it.

I think we're going to got see our therapist this week. Part of me wants to go by myself because I don't want to talk about some of what I'm experiencing with my wife because I'm afraid it'll hurt her feelings. I mean, it's nothing she doesn't know, but I hate to talk about it anyway. I feel really bad about it, but I'm having a bitch of a time shaking it because I'm having a really hard time getting my emotions to follow my 100% of the time brain on this one thing.

On Friday I fired a girl at work. I had all my ducks in a row and had my bosses approval. She was a terrible, terrible employee with an extensive number of write-ups, suspensions, and "last warnings". In fact, that she's gotten canned twice before but has somehow gotten her job back, ostensible because she's blond, very well-endowed and fond of parading her assets around in skimpy clothing. According to the rumor mill at work, she's gong to some back up to the office and "try to get her job back" tomorrow by talking to the General Manager, who's been the one that's re-hied her twice before. If she's get re-hired I'm going to quite trying to write anybody up, because apparently it does no good if you're nice to look at. That sucks, man. If she gets hired back I'm going to start looking for another gig someplace else. It probably wouldn't be too hard to find another job making a little (or a lot?) more, but I'm wouldn't quit unless I had something else lined up. And, for the record, he could do the right thing and not hire her back. At the end of the day it's not my call, I guess. I've done my best here.

It wasn't all bad. We went to Grapevine's Main Street Days on Saturday, and the weather was just about perfect. We all three tried kayaking (which was fun) remote control boats (also fun) and our daughter ride a few rides, including her favorite, the giant slide. We saw glassblowing, ate steak-on-a-stick, Jamaican jerk chicken, and our kiddo did the bungee trampoline. Toni and I did the mechanical bull, and Code Name Diamond was going to try scuba diving but was a few months short of the minimum age of eight. She was disappointed, but I think we might try it this summer. She's getting much braver, except where her bicycling is concerned.

And finally, here's something our church is doing. The news came out and did a little piece on what's been going on. You can watch it HERE.

Anyway, that's it. I have to be at work in a few hours.

449

Thursday (Friday's?) Blog......

.....is after these videos, so scroll down past 'em to read it.

But these are for my brother...




Start at 1:50 (on this one)











And you'll like this one.....

Yet another Thursday

I sure miss playing my horn. I think I'm gonna start waking up earlier so I can play. I'm also going to start keeping a whiteboard next to my bed, and I'm going to write all the reasons I need to get up and out of bed because I never remember everything I need to do that day until I've been awake for quite some time, and sometimes it'll be too late to start it before I have to go do something else.

We're in the beginning stages of (again) the largest project we, as a company, have ever bid on. We'll see how it goes. After getting the contract, if God wants us to have it, will be the 5-6 week leave of absence I'm going to need from the theater, but one thing at a time, huh?

OK - so let's get into what's been bothering me this week, as much as I can without speaking out of turn. The short version is this: I still have some sort of emotional attachment I am having a devil of a time shaking; its come back every once in a while and causes me some problems I don't want. I'm having a bad time separating the intellectual aspects of it from the emotional aspects of it, and it's proven difficult to handle as of late. It's been a problem before that's led to all kinds of hurt and turmoil in the past, and I'm still struggling with it on occasion. We're going to go see our therapist next week so we can work through it and get past it and put it behind us and move on.

Personally, I think it's something pretty deep inside that I'm either unaware of, haven't dealt with yet, or let slide in some way. A close friend of mine called me out and said that I'm not being 100% committed to Toni, and it's that 1% that I have to deal with. There's no backup, no plan B, no wondering, no "what if". There's no memory, no holding on, no unbroken bonds, no ties left uncut, no strings left attached. I can beat this, right? It's only 1%, but oh man - has it proven to be a tough 1%. A cunning, baffling, powerful 1%.

I can't be alone in this, right? Surely everybody struggles with this to some extent, right? It's not just me, right? Am I just more open about it, more transparent, more real? I mean, let's face it - nobody likes to talk about this stuff, much less publicly, much less so well documented. And this isn't anything my wife doesn't know. We don't have any secrets from each other, plus I tend to spill my guts out here, too. To my way of thinking, you're only as sick as your secrets, and if you don't have any secrets they can't hold you hostage and isolate you on any level from your loved ones. I've held on to way too many secrets in my day and I don't have it in me to hold on to any more, so here we are. It's not too pretty, but it's real and I don't have it in me to hide anything anymore, either from my wife or you guys or anybody else.

Anyway, that's where I am today. I pretty much wish I was someplace else today, but I'm not, and that there's what it is.

And if you guys want to see a video of Mstislav Rostropovich playing the Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 in G major, BWV 1007 filmed at the Basilique Sainte Madeleine, Vézelay, Yvonne, France in 1991, you can click HERE. It's pretty great.

Day 447.

I somehow accidentally skipped ahead 40 days, but I caught myself. No idea why - it must be my obsession with the number 481.

I'm gonna type fast for Wednesday

I was able to piece some stuff together on Tuesday night after getting three e-mails from my accountability brothers. I'll go more into it on tomorrow's blog because I want to wrap this up and go to bed with the wife. It's some pretty good stuff, I think; they helped put some stuff together for me that I hadn't put together, and it makes sense. Fortunately, my bro Jon has some kind of gift of discernment and being able to look inside my head when the time is right. It's pretty cool.

My daughter didn't want to go home tonight - she was having a great time and teared up a little bit when it was time to leave. (I'm usually the one that does it.) Toni did a great job of soothing her - she's a great Mom.

Work is slowly getting caught back up. We have a little help here to help expedite stuff that's really late; just enough labor to push it out the door - not enough to rack up debt.

Ok - I'm wrapping this up.

486

Just FYI.....

E-mail sent to accountibility brothers. Parts of it follow:

Hey guys - I need a little help on something that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. Sorry to do this over e-mail, but it's hard to call from the new job, I have to pay by the minute on my cell phone and I tend to be able to sort my thoughts out better on e-mail. Anyway, here's where I am:

Every few weeks, I get the urge to ____________. (I can't be specific here, as it wouldn't be respectful of other's privacy)

->paragraph omitted due to privacy.

Do I miss _________? Yeah - a little every once in awhile, but not that much and I don't know why. __________ has led to a very real threat to my sobriety. I have 485 days and I'm not willing to piss it away because of _______. I've even gone so far as to make not __________ one of my terms of sobriety, and that seems to help.

Am I happy with Toni? Absolutely - I could not ask for more.
The companionship is great.
The friendship is great.
The spiritual growth is great.
The sex is great.
The communication is great. (Toni knows all this, by the way, and is taking it very well; she gets it has nothing to do with her)

We're going to go see our therapist together in a few weeks to see what she says because I'm baffled. She's very good, knows us both very well, is a Christian counselor, and has been mine since 2004. Right now I think it ties in to the love-addict/love-avoidant cycle I was caught up in for so long. Maybe I need to re-study the book I have on that?

So far I haven't done anything because I know how wrong it is and how much it'll hurt Toni, not to mention how much it'll likely mess me up, not to mention ___________ (I have no idea about anything related to ___________ since June or July of last year, and Toni checks my e-mails and my phone regularly, which I have no problem with.)

I'm lost on this one - any thoughts? Do I just need some more time to heal from this?

Even 485 days in, sometimes stuff wants to try. We fight an enemy that is cunning, baffling and powerful.

Fortunately, we don't fight alone.

How Monday went

Today I did maintenance (even the managers have to do the dirty work from time to time) at work, which means I could go in wearing BDU's a t-shirt, which I did. I spent the bulk of the workday changing light bulbs (nearly 40, all at least 25 feet off the ground, against the walls of the auditoriums, using a long ladder on a slanted floor) and scrubbing the floors & baseboards. Totally worth it - I got to dodge wearing the suit for a day. And I chewed out an employee on Sunday night; she was offering endless and wholly unnecessary commentary as another manager and I tried to open a broken register during a rush, and I eventually ran out of patience and told her to keep her comments to herself, shut her mouth and do her job. I have to admit - I enjoyed it a little. I've been wanting to tell her to shut up for several weeks now, and I was glad to get the opportunity. I'll be back in the suit tomorrow, though.

After I ate the leftover chicken fried steak for dinner and Toni and I went for a bike ride; 20 minutes to her mom's house and 20 minutes back. Now my legs are tired but I sure do like riding with Toni.

Tonight we caught Oscar on the couch chewing Pumba's foot like a chicken leg. It's getting weird over here, but I did make a pretty good dessert when I got home using carmelized Eagle Brand in pastry shells, although I got the wrong kind of pastry shells. I made this dessert about 16 years ago once before - I think it tasted better then.

*sigh*

-> section deleted; I need to call my acountibilty partners about something that makes no sense to me.

On a totally separate note, I finally saw a picture (not a prototype sketch) of a gun I've been waiting to be released for nearly three years.

Also, is surfing hard? The guys on TV make it look easy.

Eh - I think I'm written out for the night.

484

One Crappy Thing About Haiti....

....is that I wasn't able to get through to my Mom and tell her "Happy Mother's Day" over the phone. I called six times, but there's a lot that has to happen technology-wise, and I'm not sure it all worked out in that broken-down island nation of mountains, poverty and voodoo. I let a voicemail on somebody's phone - I'm hoping it was hers. They have three numbers. One had a recording in Creole I couldn't comprehend, but the other two were in English, so I left on on one of those. Anyway, Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Toni, our daughter and I love you very much, and we can't wait to see you again. All your cats are doing fine, too.

And Happy Mother's Day to ***all*** you New Moms out there (and you know who you are), including Cristina, Tara, Tracy, and most especially my beloved wife, Toni, who is a mother of a very blessed daughter; who is lucky and fortunate to have such a wonderful mother as she.

483

Back to normal

Earlier this week Pumba ran into my shin with his head hard enough to hurt. It made a sound like a coconut, but I think he's OK. He's a pretty cat, but I don't think he's all that bright.

I have to wear a watch at work but the only I have is an old cheap one I used to wear at the bar. It has a fabric band, and lately it's developed quite a stink. I'm soaking it in peroxide to break up all the old, soaked-in sweat and spilled beer and I'm going to soak in some hot bleach water tomorrow. If that doesn't kill the funk I'm just going to wear it anyway.

Thank you guys for praying for Toni today. From all outwards appearances, it looks like it was just a teeny hormone imbalance. She's going back on the pill to get everything back to normal again now that I have a steady (but small) income.

Toni's been doing 99% of our little company's work for the past few weeks. I have to admit, she's doing a great job at it. And man, did I need a break. I have to admit - I like coming home from work sometimes and just relaxing, or doing something that has no productive value whatsoever, like my next project, which is making a spear. No reason.

Queen (the rock band) has to be one of my favorites. One of things I like the most about 'em is that's it really good musically, and that folks can still showcase Queen's talent in their own performance. This is probably my favorite example of this; it's the Mnozil Brass playing "Bohemian Rhapsody". If you like music like the Canadian Brass, Queen or DCI, you're gonna love this. If you don't, just skip it and keep reading. Don't worry about the video length; it's not really nine minutes.


It finally happened - Bunnycat, my Mom's heinous cat, actually likes me. She comes running and meowing and wants to be petted when I walk in. I consider this a victory.

I got a new concealment holster and I really like it. Now I'm carrying a fully loaded Glock with two spare magazines and nobody knows but me. And Toni. And you guys. But it's still concealed, so it's OK that all of you know.

The remote for the satellite dish keeps dying after a few clicks. It comes back about two minutes later, but it's annoying. Maybe it needs batteries.

My little catalpa trees are growing pretty well. My little maples are, too. I'm gonna plant some more.

Last night I got the rage again. I was blogging and I didn't want to stop, and Toni and I got into it a little bit because I haven't been spending enough time with her lately. We talked it out and we're OK now, but for a few minutes I was really mad; like breaking things mad. My cell phone crapped out yesterday (I have a new one on the way), and I almost ripped it in half and threw it across the room, but I was afraid I'd miss and break a window and this isn't my house. I've done that a few times in a fit of rage - I think I'm on at least my fifth or sixth phone, which is why I buy the cheapest ones I can get.

I don't like getting the rage. I took 1 mg of Klonipin to take the edge off of me, and that seemed to work, but only after about an hour of being ready to tear somebody's head clean off. On nights like that I think it's a pretty good thing I'm not a bouncer anymore, but at times I think that it was the bouncer job that let me bleed off some of that stress so it didn't build up quite so much.

I think it's hard for girls to have close girl friends a lot of the time. I saw an ad on TV that said that women will be enemies until something makes them friends. I know Toni has has to deal with this as of late. I think she misses the friendships she's had in recent years, including an unlikely but pretty good one she was developing a little while back. I think she misses that friendship, and while I know it's not entirely my fault that one fell apart, I (and I think she) still regrets that everybody lost out on that. I wish I could say a bit more on this, but it wouldn't be fair to either party, so I'll drop it here. She's rebuilding some old ones, and forging some new ones, and I'm really proud of her. It's tough for you girls.

HoneyB had a great comment on my last post - those "dating-line" phone numbers you can call and talk to members of the opposite sex (for $1.99 a minute, I'm guessing). Seriously? Does anybody think that the models on TV even vaguely resemble who you'll actually be talking to? I'll bet they look like this:


And the mouse on this computer is getting squirrley, too. It drops pretty frequently, and it's kind of annoying, too.

My "new" job is getting better; I'm really starting to learn how everything comes together. I don't think it's ruined movies for me or anything, but now when I go see one I think about all of the technical and management aspects of everything that's going on. Man - it takes a lot to run a theater for real.

Toni and I ate the big meat sandwich with Timmmmmmay, Bri, his wife, their kiddo & our buddy Truman. I'm still processing it.

OK, that's it. this is two day's worth of blogging in one post, so I'm wrapping it up. Oh - and Toni stuck some new batteries in the remote. We're golden.

Today was 441. In a little over a month it'll be #481, and I'm giving myself until that day to make decision I've been putting off for a while. 481 is my old badge number and call sign. I think that's pretty cool.

Saturday will be 442, and I'm taking the day off. Have a cat :-)

I'm sorry in advance

I have more to say about wiener size and sex from a male's (OK....my male's) perspective in general. You guys can bail now if you want to.

And before I get started, I know what the Bible and just about every church says about sex, abstinence, etc. This isn't about that, so let's keep the "moral" and theological aspects out of this one, OK?. It is what it is, and you can't change my past, which is what I'm basing my experiences (and this blog) on, and they don't always match what I learned in Sunday school.

So.....

I'm not alone in my observation about America's evident obsession about making their junk bigger. How many of have seen the ads everywhere? Admit it - you have. And oh, man - do they prey on some pretty primal stuff for us guys.

See, someplace along the way, we're taught that you need a big pecker to satisfy women sexually. Disagree if you will, but that's what the majority of us guys pick up from their friends, the media, porn and just about every other source possible. We're trained, either voluntarily or involuntarily, to think this way, and the ads on TV prove it. If you've ever seen an ad (any ad), they imply the following, if they don't just say it directly:

- Your wiener is too small
- You can't last long enough to satisfy your woman
- Your woman wants you to have a bigger wiener
- Your woman will be more sexually satisfied with your bigger wiener

And oh, do they cheat, too. They, knowing that guys are visually stimulated, put the most sexually alluring females possible, wearing the least amount of clothing possible, and have them read scripts the reinforce every insecurity we men have about ourselves, while simultaneously attacking our pride.

They promise to make you bigger, last longer, make you better at satisfying your woman, and generally turn you into a sexual tyrannosaurus rex. They also imply that your woman will be quite pleased with you for taking their pill, drinking their beverage, applying their lotion or using their pump or whatever the hell else they offer up. And you know what? Men are buying this stuff by the truckload, if you believe the ad.

And why? A few reason, if you ask me. In no particular order.....

- I think most men really do want to bring as much sexual pleasure to their wives, girlfriends, etc. as possible, and so in a genuine effort to please their women, some of these guys are being manipulated by guilt into thinking they their women need this, regardless of whether they actually do or not. And, truth be told, a lot of men are pretty stupid when it comes to sex in general. I'm an easily-identifiable example of this.

- It's a pride thing, man. I think it all goes back to junior high gym class. I think in every culture, there's a direct correlation between phallic size and masculinity. Admit it - manly man = big pecker, at least in (if not most especially in) our society. Watch one sitcom and you'll get at least one penis joke somewhere in there, and odds are it's going to be a joke implying size or stamina. Deny it if you will, but I think this is pretty hard-wired into guy's psyche, and it takes a lot to overcome.

- As I said before, our society and our culture tried it's best to tell us that we men need to be sexual athletes. We need to be able to screw endlessly, for hours on end, giving our women multiple orgasms with our giant wieners from dusk until dawn. And somehow, we let this get into our heads and we have this need to emulate this image and achieve this standard, whether or not it's realistic and whether our women want it or not. We at least have to have the ability, right?

I'll admit it - I've totally fallen for this. I fell for it for years, man, and anytime it didn't happen I felt like a complete and total failure, and that just pushed me into a pretty dysfunctional sexual cycle of shame, disappointment, self-loathing. Eventually it resulted in a pretty serious long-term case of poor performance by any standard, no matter how supportive the partner or may not have been. And oh, man - does that ever hit a guy really, really hard. It's emasculating like you wouldn't believe, and it gets so easy to get so wrapped in how you're performing that you completely forget that sex is supposed to be the ultimate expression of love and commitment between two people. Instead, it turns into some kind of terrible track meet, always trying to beat your own "personal best" or overcome some hurdle, which in turn eventually causes it to become an ultimately selfish act. It did, albeit quite unintentionally, become so for me, much to the detriment of the relationships with people I loved very much. I admit this to my own set of dealt-with shame, and it took a very, very long time to finally figure this out. I don't think it's one of those conclusions that you can reach on your own, no matter how often somebody tells you, no matter how true it may be. It took a lot of time, recovery and healing for me to come out of that cycle and approach some sexual normalcy again.

Looking back - I wonder how much of this was my addiction, and how much of it was conditioning?

There's one thing I need to say, too, and I need to be very, very clear about this. Oftentimes, there's a very real medical need to these products, and I don't begrudge those that need them to continue on with their sex lives as they've become accustomed one bit. In a very real way, I liken it to controlled substances, like morphine. If you're in the hospital in severe pain, I think you should, by all means, have it freely. However, if you're just using it to get high in the basement, maybe that's not such a good thing.

I think I'd also be pretty remiss if I didn't address what's perhaps the most important issue of all of this, and maybe the central issue that's really at the crux of all of this - communication with your woman is the biggest thing of all, man. Maybe an increase in size, stamina or whatever isn't what she needs or even wants from us. It's even fairly likely that she has an entirely different set of needs that are nearly unrelated to what the ads tell us, but those don't sell pills.

And for the record, I tried to tone down the verbiage as much as I could. I'm certainly not afraid to use the word penis, but this really isn't much of a medical or clinical setting, and there's not too many other words I felt like using. If I can avoid my blog going to NC-17 I will, and I've had enough X-rated stuff to last me a lifetime already.

I don't really have cat that's appropriate. Sorry, guys.

Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you all about the big meat sandwiches we'll have eaten.

440 days sober.

On Being Interrupted

I don't like it. I mean, I really don't like it. I don't mind being verbally interrupted so much - that's OK. I know I do it, and I generally don't mind it so much when it's done to me. It's interrupting my plan that I can't handle too well. How about an example, since it's my blog?

Tonight I'm getting out of the shower and my wife asks me if I can take two empty cups back into the kitchen. All I think of is getting dry, so I immediately blurt out "no". Not because I don't want to do it, but because it interrupts my plan.

This extends to pretty much everything. If I have a notion of how I want an evening to go, I can't deviate from that plan without it really letting it affect me badly. For instance, several weeks ago we were out someplace doing something pretty trivial, and my bride suggested that we go walk in the mall for a bit.

That wasn't in the plan.

Needless to say, I balked rather badly. I had no real reason. There was absolutely no reason that we couldn't have done it, other than it wasn't what I had in mind, and it would have messed up the plan.

A spontaneous day trip, just packing into the car and driving until we hit someplace cool? That's terrifying to me. I thin I've done that precisely twice in my lifetime. I don't feel like I can take a vacation unless I have some kind of plan, even if it's just a destination.

I even have trouble answering a simple question, like "What are we doing this weekend?" I always say I haven't planned that far ahead yet. Generally I really haven't, but the idea of doing something that somebody else suggests feels strange and alien to me, even if there's no good reason for feeling that way at all. Somehow, if I didn't plan it, it must be fraught with peril or irresponsible or something asinine like that. Hell - my wife practically had to guilt me into taking her to "Taste of Addison" this weekend, and I wanted to go to that. It took her looking me in the eye and telling make "I want to go to Taste of Addison" to get me to commit to taking her, even thought I have absolutely no reason we shouldn't go. It's not expensive. It's not dangerous. Why shouldn't we go?

Because I didn't think of it? Is that it? I don't have the answer to that one. Fear, maybe? If so, of what?

I still suffer from that "I could never do that" playing in the back of my head. It's like somehow I feel like I'm supposed to sit on the sidelines and just enjoy watching other people go do fun and exciting things; that's been source of tension in most of my relationships as well, too.

I think it's because I think something will go wrong and I'll fail somehow, or be the one that gets blamed, at least, like I should have known better than to do something so foolish. From what I understand, it's a predominant trait of codependent people - the inability to be spontaneous. I have a hard time doing it, and it's caused me some problems, too. I've been accused of having a stick up my ass so many times it's just ridiculous. It takes me forever to unwind most of the time as well, but that's probably a whole different issue. Maybe I'll tackle that one tomorrow.

Anyway, that's almost it for tonight. I have two more things:

#1) If you guys could please pray for Toni on Thursday we'd sure appreciate it. I can't say any more than that, but I'll get back to you guys on it if and when I can. Thanks, all - it means a lot to us.

And now, for a wild subject change....

#2) There are a LOT of ads to make your weenie bigger on TV, especially late at night. Pills. Drinks. Lotions. Vacuum pumps. I don't know what to say about this, really. I mean, every guy (admit it) I think would like to have a bigger weenie. I'll own it - I've thought that. But is every American male so obsessed with it that they're going to spend his hard (pardon the pun) earned money on something that promises to do that? Apparently so. And apparently it's a short-term "fix", too, because once you stop taking it, you go back to your "normal" size. I saw it on the commercial. Just saying....

I think it's weird, but I get it. Maybe all the men have looked at so much porn they think they have to look like that. Why not? It's certainly screwed up real-life sex for a lot of men, hasn't it? I mean, porn tells us what it's supposed to look like and sound like, right? Why wouldn't we get the same message about how big our weenies are supposed to be, too?

I have no idea how to wrap this up gracefully.

I wish my Mom wouldn't read this every once in a while.

439

I have six things today

In no particular order....

I. Dinner

So tonight Kent and his bride Cindy were supposed to come over and eat, but Kent apparently got too close to a pig someplace and fell violently ill about an hour before they were supposed to arrive - than sucks, man. I know all of us were looking forward to it, and we'll definitely have to get a raincheck on that. Perhaps next time I'll whip up a batch of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, cream gravy, corn on the cob with plenty of butter and salt and gallons of ice-cold sweet tea. But I digress....

Tonight we had a huge pot of pinto beans seasoned with bacon, salt pork, onions and a bunch of other spices I can't name off the top of my head. They soaked for 12 hours and slow-simmered for another 8 before we ate 'em with some fried potatoes, cornbread, and bit of leftover fried catfish. Man - I love living in the south, especially Texas. I mean, do any of the northern states have anything even close to either of those meals?

II. Reconciled relationships: eternal vs. earthly

It's no real secret that I have had a few (quite badly) broken relationships. I confess that there's always been a part of me that hates the loss of the friendship; the healthy aspects of the relationship, the good parts and the fun times and the special memories that we all have with those in our past. I think that's a normal human response, right? But oftentimes we don't get to continue on with those relationships for whatever reason(s), and those relationships may never be fully reconciled, or both parties fully healed and restored. Sometimes, a mass of scar tissue is the best that you can expect because of the circumstances surrounding both (or either) of you, and that's always left me feeling sad; that sense of loss is perhaps the hardest thing for me to accept, as I always want to end up feeling like both parties walked feeling as though they've taken away something of value that makes all of the hurt worthwhile eventually. I don't know of a way to feel fully recovered from that part - I don't think there is one.

Anyway, my point is this, and this is a point that was told to be by a pastor at my old church, though I can't remember which one.

Every relationship we have here on earth will be reconciled someday - in heaven. In heaven, all conflicts are resolved, all grudges lost, all animosity falls aside, all bitterness dissolves, and there is only the love, peace and harmony that is only found in true heavenly reconciliation and restoration.

Personally, I'm looking forward to that. Truthfully, I want those relationships restored; I want that reconciliation. These past few days I've been leaning more and more on that thought; it helps to think that even the most broken relationships we have here on earth will someday be fully healed by the Almighty God that loves us enough to heal for us those things that we can't heal ourselves; that no amount of time can heal, and I'm glad for that. I'm looking forward to the peace, joy and love that those fully restored, fully reconciled relationships will bring.

III. Walking Tonight

Tonight my wife and I went for a walk. It was only about a mile, but it felt really good to get some exercise, man. I think we're going to try to make this a nightly thing, which would be good for me as I'd like to drop about a few pounds - church softball season is starting in a few months, and I'd like it if I could make it around the bases.

IV. Oscar's New Game and His Newfound Jerkiness

Oscar the cat has developed a new game of running across the kitchen, leaping into midair, clinging to the curtain at the sliding glass door and swinging like a monkey on a vine. We fuss at him to stop, but truthfully, it's quite hilarious. Also, though he's physically the smallest and lightest cat, he has somehow empowered himself into the position of Alpha Male, or whatever the lead cat is. We think he bullies the other two on occasion, and we're both waiting for the two of them to gang up on him and take him down a peg. He has it comin', man.

V. Girls at Work

The past few days I've noticed something that still feels a bit strange to me. When I was an addict, any time I got a new job, I immediately tried top get a feel (figuratively) for all of the women in the workplace; which ones I was attracted to, which ones I could fantasize about, etc. But this new job is quite different, in that I haven't found myself sizing them up. It took me a few weeks to figure out why it felt a little weird to be around the female staff members at work, and I finally figured out that it was because I wasn't objectifying them. I know it's all due to my addiction recovery and God's continuing Grace, and a large dose of perpetual vigilance on my part, but I thought I'd share that with you guys. It's a victory I wasn't expecting, mostly because I never really thought of it as a fight before. Cool, huh?

VI. Gran Torino

What great movie. Here's a little video for you guys to watch about it. It's a wonderful film - go see it if you can, or rent it or Netflix it or something.



That's all for tonight, guys.

438

Things are always better in the morning.

I'm gonna pull through this and just worry about today.

And I removed last night sobfest because it was just depressing, and I don't think it's always necessary to keep wailing, gnashing of teeth, wearing sackcloth and caterwauling around for a long time. Learn from it, find the value, and move on. It was good to vent, though, and I needed a good cry. Today's is much better.

We missed church because we had several large storms rolled through last night and the electricity has been spotty for the past few hours, which knocked out our alarm clocks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we're gonna go eat some Cookie Crisp & go ride bikes.

437

Untitled: Re-posted 02:22 AM, May 5, 2009.

Fully known, fully loved, right? Life isn't always pretty.

Tonight is one of those night when I just feel sad. I miss my dad and mom. I miss my brother. I wish the only job I was ever really good at wasn't being a bouncer. To me it means I'm good at hurting people. It's not even something I can even make a living at.

I feel like I don't deserve a daughter as wonderful as mine, nor a wife that's everything I could ask for. I still feel pretty alone tonight - I feel like I'm responsible for two lives that are looking to me for the answers; for protection and provision and guidance and leadership, and tonight I feel like I don't have anything to offer them.

Maybe I'm just tired. I feel like somehow my lost in life was missed, either in one extreme or another; I feel like I either missed out on success or on a life of being lonely, going home every night to my cat. I don't know how to handle most of these thoughts - I really don't. I know when I'm upset I type. I don't want to go to bed; I don't want to let Toni down anymore tonight. I don't want to keep her up snoring. I don't want to put on the fake happy smile for my daughter tomorrow morning, which I know I'm going to have to do. I don't know how I'm going to handle going to church tomorrow; I don't want to break down & cry up there again. I don't want to explain to my daughter why her daddy is crying; I just barely held it together today.

Odds are I'm going to have to get a third job to compensate for all the money I'm going to lose due to my wages getting garnished, and then they'll take those wages, too. I'm already tired- I really don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to be a bouncer anymore. I know my luck is going to run out in a big way eventually; I'm either going to get badly hurt or I'm going to hurt somebody else badly; both are pretty terrible. I've been lucky so far - I've only had two guys go unconscious on me and I've only had my glasses smashed, several bad bruises and a few good cuts. But let's face it - I'm staring at 37; I'd be fighting guys half my age and in a lot better shape, and you can't always talk everybody down. I guess the part of me that loves to fight so much doesn't know what to do anymore.

I don't even have the addiction to take to edge off anymore, or to give me that escape. At least it was good for that.

I feel like I'm running out of stuff to go wrong. I feel like I've lost a lot - my house, my car, my stupid credit score, my money, my first wife, time with my daughter, loves I've had that are gone but still have that memory of hurt. I feel like a failure a lot of times, living in my parent's house making $8.50 an hour as an assistant manager at a dollar movies. At 36, it takes a lot out of you to know that you're in the exact same goddamn spot you were in at 19.

I know counting my blessings is a good fix for this, but you can only count them so many times before they start sounding hollow, or you just start waiting for them to be taken away from you, too. I have to tell you, if I lost my wife or my daughter...it wouldn't surprise me anymore. Some days I feel like God is just going to take the things away from me one by one until there's nothing left for him to take, and then I'm going to go. Do any of you folks ever feel like that? Tired of wondering what God's plan is, tired of trying to figure it out, tired of caring about His plan, tired of everything going wrong, just waiting for the next bad thing to happen? 'Cause that where I am today, man. Tonight I'm just waiting to lose my daughter of my wife, for no other reason than it sure would seem to follow the goddamn pattern.

I don't want to get up tomorrow; I'm afraid it's going to be a day of me barely holding it together for my kid, and have my ex-wife take her away where I won't see her until next week sometime, and then only for about four hours if I'm lucky. Then going to a job where I'll earn the equivalent of $2 and hour after my wages get garnished.

And keep your calls, e-mails and comments to yourself, OK? I don't want to hear any of it for a while. I don't want to hear about God's plan, or His will, or whatever He has in store for me, because tonight I just don't believe it. I don't even want to pray, 'cause I don't think He's listening to me anymore. He might later, but not tonight, I don't think. I just want Him to listen to my daughter and my wife. Tonight I don't want to think about anything else, least of all tomorrow.

I don't know how to end this so I'm just going to quit writing. And I don't have a cat for you.

-> whap

And today I found out that over 75% of my paycheck is being garnished to pay for back child support. I get how happened - I got behind and my ex-wife turned me over to the state, but it still sucks when you now only take home about $125 every two weeks- after 80 hours of labor. It's just disheartening, is all. I had nearly $8K already earmarked for it - so do I still pay that or just let the state bleed it out of me slowly, or both?

I guess both - I just hate to see the government take the first steady paycheck of any consequence I've had in seven years before I even get the chance to do the right thing with it. It's sort of insult to injury, I guess.

Anyway, that's it for today, other than I leaned that my GM at work won't back the plays of his assistant managers and lets female employees get away with murder. Nice, huh? That's a gig worth $125 every other week.

436

-> slap

The IRS levied all of my bank accounts and froze them all. I think I managed to convince them to free one up so I can eat and drive and pay them the $4K I already had budgeted for 'em from one of the Houston orders. Man - if they could have waited another two weeks.....

And, unfortunately, the person I was all set to pay off now gets to wait another several days (or weeks), which sucks, but there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it.

I don't want to hear about how I had it coming or if I had paid my taxes this wouldn't have happened, etc. If you feel the necessity to comment along those lines, then my preemptive reply is "blow it out your ass" followed by a string of self-righteous insults and blistering obscenity. I already know, so keep it to yourself. And this doesn't change me getting my gun or taking my wife on a honeymoon, either, so don't ask.

And I shaved my head today - it was glorious. And my wife is happy.

Also, I have to treat the house for fleas, as the cats have brought 'em in with 'em, the filthy scoundrels. It's an easy fix, but not what I wanted added to the plate today. I already had a lot going on.

Anyway, I'm going to bed before something else goes wrong and I snap and break something. Goodnight.

435