Halloween

Not much today, other than I'm taking our daughter trick-or-treating tonight. She's going as Gabrielle from High School Musical. Toni's going as a (cute) soldier. I'm going as a zombie, as I can't exactly go as a zombie hunter (the real me, of course) without alarming people. We're going to k ock on doors until she's too tired to walk, and I couldn't be more excited.

Then, after she goes to bed, I'm going to work as a bouncer.

A zombie bouncer.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

260

You know what I don't like? It's how that things that are generally not good for you can be the things that you like the most.

In and of themselves, they're not inherently evil.
In and of themselves, they're not inherently dangerous.
In and of themselves, they're not inherently wicked.
In and of themselves, they're not inherently malicious.
In and of themselves, they're not inherently deceitful.
In and of themselves, they're not inherently poison.
In and of themselves, they're not inherently hateful.

Sometimes they're fun.
Sometimes they're safe.
Sometimes they're pleasant.
Sometimes they're nice.
Sometimes they're honest.
Sometimes they're fulfilling.
Sometimes they're sweet.

But you still have to stay away from 'em because they're not good for you, even if for no other reason that they're just that distracting, and draw your attention away from where it needs to be.

I only have so much energy, and I can't get away with letting it get diverted from where I have to put it for my life to be held together the way I think it needs to go in order to keep it within my own value system. But damnit, man - it sure is hard to do sometimes.

Also - no hoochie costumes at church last night. At least, none that did anything for me.

OK - back to work.

259

Halloween and the Little Hate

\

Today I'm packing a pretty good-sized order, ordering more supplies, getting ready to work security with Toni at church tonight, and planning to take her out for pizza afterwards.

I'm also hoping that all the little girlies (6th - 12th graders) at church tonight aren't wearing those sexy seductive or revealing costumes. While I used to love that about Halloween, now it has become something that I have to watch out for. So help me if there are dozens of girls parading their bodies around in french maid, naughty nurse or sexy fairy costumes I'm just going to leave. I'm not sure when Halloween became a such a hoochie-fest, but I think it was a lot more innocent when I was a kid. Good Lord, man. Seriously.

It's funny how the things that used to totally do it for you now repulse you. Maybe it's just me maturing and getting older, and I'm sure a lot of it (if not most of it) has to do with my addiction recovery, but I just can't stand that aspect of Halloween anymore. I hope our daughter doesn't get sucked into the sexual overtones of so many of the Halloween costumes I've see on the shelves the past few years. Otherwise, I'm going to have to buy a some quicklime, a good shovel and a lot of land in an isolated area, as boys may likely become a problem, albeit one easily dealt with, at least in one capacity.

I was also reminded a night or two how I think a large part of my recovery was learning to hate my addiction. As long as it doesn't start to interfere with your serenity, I highly recommend keeping just a tiny bit of hate in your heart; stored up and ready to drop its poison on the things that hurt us; hurt our relationships, and hurt our relationship with God. I know every once in a while I have to remember what my addiction did to me, and what the actions led me to do, and all the hurt it caused me to inflict on others. So yeah - I keep that little bit of hate close by, and every once in a while I look at it to make sure it's still there, because I need that hate to stay healthy. I need to be reminded of what needs to be hated, and have just enough hate and anger in my heart to fight back at it and give some of the poison back that it gave to me.

My brother says (and I think our old pastor said it, too) that you never find in sin, (addictions, etc.) what you go into sin to find, and I think he's right. Nowadays, when something gets brought before me that I know I'm going to struggle with (and believe me - it still happens) I still have to struggle with getting out of denial about recognizing that whatever it is that attracts me to that person is probably not good for me, my marriage, or my relationship with God. And it still happens, even after nearly three years of recovery.

I think we like to keep little pockets of sin to play with. (And you absolutely substitute the words "sin" and insert "hurts", "habits", and/or "hangups" from here on out - I just know that what I was struggling with was definitely a sin problem, but I can't speak for anybody else and I have no intention of speaking for anybody else but me.) I can see friends of mine doing it - even folks in recovery, who, of all folks, should know better. I swear - sometimes it's like watching an alcoholic open a bottle of whiskey, hold it up to his nose, inhale deeply, and then say he's not drinking. It's close enough, man.

I think every once of us has little pockets of stuff that we think are too small to really hurt us. We keep them around to play with because, at the end of the day, we love them. We love them like little pets. I know that the kinds of stuff I used to stuff in my pockets (thinking that it wouldn't hurt anybody) always seemed to be stuff that wouldn't stay there, leaking out like acid, burning me and sometimes burning others, so I keep that little hate around to spread a little death on those sins that still rear their little heads from time to time, assuring no harm and tempting me with the promise of good feelings. The problem is that they have hate and poison too, and their poison is sweet until it starts to eat through your insides. I know it's so terribly easy for me to forget the burning acid that hits after we start to play around in areas we shouldn't be playing around in and only remember that sweet feeling of love, acceptance, satisfaction, fulfillment - even though they're temporary and always have long-lasting hurts that follow.

Fortunately, I have that little hate to remind me. That little hate never forgets, even though I do. The little hate is always angry. It holds the grudges I can't hold anymore, and it holds them gladly. And for that I'm pretty grateful to the little hate.

I know how weird all of this sounds, and I want to be clear that I very purposefully choose to never hate people. This is very important for you guys to understand. I keep the little hate around for me; so that it can hate the evil that people do, the things that hurt them and the things that they do to others out of that hurt, and hate the things that hurt me as well.

I hope some of this made at least a little sense.

258

I've been thinking all day about what to blog....

And I don't have a lot to say today. For once.

Yesterday was really good for a variety of reasons. It was really nice to spend an evening with my Mom & Dad. We saw "Fireproof" which was a pretty good movie all in all, and had a lot of value I was able to find on a personal level. I learned a long time ago that I need to always find the value in things and in people. (If you're sketchy about seeing it, just know going in who made it and what its agenda is and you'll do OK.)

I'm tired of the election already. I was tired of it six months ago. I think both candidates are crap, but I'm going to hold my nose and vote Republican anyway, but only because I think it's the lesser of two evils, an expression I choose to use quite intentionally here. I almost don't care who wins anymore, if they'll just shut the hell up about it.

You know what the worst part is about that? It's not going to end on November 4th, either, unless it's a Reagan/Mondale-grade landslide either way. It won't even be decided on election day. Somebody will bitch and moan about the election being "stolen" or people being disenfranchised or whatever the proper term they want to use is, and lawsuits will be filed and the results will be held in contempt until some judge someplace makes a decision nobody will like. Or hell - we'll just have us some good ol'fashioned riots and then be told it's my fault somehow.


Either way, I'm buying an M4 the first chance I get.

Aside from that....I got nothin'. Have a cat.



257

The Good & the Bad in the past 96 hours

Friday

CR - good
First night as bouncer - good
First fight in bar brawl - very good
Verbally de-escalating 3 more fights - good
Getting to sleep at 4 AM - not so good

Saturday

Justin Fish Fry - very good
Second night as bouncer - marginally good

A) boring - very bad
B) yelled at by cranky 70 year old lady after I threw away her warm, flat 90-minute old Smirnoff with 1/4" of booze left in the bottom - bad
C) helping drunk Old Cowboy who swore somebody was throwing pretzels at him, when we don't sell pretzels at the bar - good
D) Working with Timmmmmmay! - good
D) Actually sweeping up a single mystery pretzel from under his stool after closing - glorious

Sunday

Relaxing Day at Home - very good
Babe's Dinner - very good
Watching "Young Frankenstein" - good
Getting to sleep at 3 AM - not so good

Monday

Getting up to go to new porter job - good
Really not wanting to go - bad
Actually eating breakfast - good
Plain Cheerios - bad
Pineapple Juice - good
Feeling I had stuff here to take care of today & not being able to go - bad
Discovering cats now playing variant of hockey/curling with rocks -good
Having management tell me they hired other guy - good
Loss of small income - bad
Ability to keep schedule free - good
Getting paid HUGE check today - very good
Finding out Dad's cancer is back - very bad
Finding out Dad's cancer is apparently very treatable - very good
Mom's Birthday - very good - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!
Dinner with Mom, Dad & wife tonight - very good
Getting to blog - good

And I still have the rest of the day left, too.

256

No new material here, just a frustrated blurt.

And I hate having stuff I want to either do or get off my chest but can't, for a variety of reasons I can't even go into.

Some days I liked it better when I could just write it ALL out and not care what the fallout was.

I only have one thing today because I have a lot to do....

....but I DID have to say that not 60 seconds after I posted yesterday's post, I got an order in that'll cover getting the phones back on and let me get a Halloween costume for Code Name Diamond. I wanted to give credit where credit was due. Thank you, God. And thanks for reminding me that you're still there when I need you.

I have a few projects I'm working on during the next few weeks I hope to let you guys in on when (and IF) they progress.

OK - that's it for today. And this was WAY too funny (and personal) not to share.



See you guys on Monday.

253.

And I hate to complain, but.....

....I'm going to anyway.

Today, I HATE being self-employed. As it sits today, I am dead in the water. Can you guess why? Money.

Without money, I can't do any of the following:

- buy materials to fill orders.
- fill orders (no materials)
- ship any orders I've made
- honestly tell my clients that their stuff is on the way
- pay rent
- pay labor
- get my bank accounts out of the red
- buy my daughter a Halloween costume
- go to the doctor, which I need to do.
- answer the phone, which is turned off because I haven't paid the bill. Know why I haven't paid the phone bill? Because I haven't been paid.

And this is just the main business stuff; personal debt is a whole 'nother set of problems.

See? This is why God hates debt. At least, I think He does.

Now - you know what makes this all even worse? The knowledge that the money is on the way, but isn't here today, when I honest-to-God need it. While it should provide a sense of relief, it somehow makes it worse. It also makes it worse that I start a new job on Friday night (being a bouncer again) another new job next week (as a porter - AKA "maintenance man" for my apartment complex). Know why I'm doing those? So I'll have a steady paycheck, which will give me something to work with. Toni's going to be running the show up here while I'm tossing garbage, picking up cigarette butts, power washing porches & scooping dog poop. It'll be worth it to have actual cash in the bank, though.

Borrow some money, just to keep you functional you say? I hate that. I've already borrowed so much money it makes me sick to think about it. And while I know it's coming to an end soon, it.....damnit.

What's the best thing to do for my customers? Make them wait until I get paid?

What's the best thing for ME? Make 'em wait until I get paid so my pride can stay intact, or swallow my pride one more time and see if I can shake somebody down for another loan? Borrowing money makes me feel like the lowest of the low, man, but I hate trying to assure my customers that they're being taken care of when deep down, I know they're not. And I feel like I have only myself to blame on this one.

Ugh - and how do I tithe, man? That's a big deal to me, too.

*sigh*

So, today I sit on my office, with my little paralyzed company, waiting for tomorrow night to come, so I can at least feel like I'm making some money, and I'm frustrated.

You people who have paychecks you know are coming on certain days ought to count your blessings. Some days it's rough sailing out here.

So, God - I know you can read. Please help me. Give me guidance on what I should do, at least. I'm always tired, I'm frustrated, I'm worn out, and this is a lousy way to start a marriage with somebody I dearly love and that deserves much better than a ragged-out me. Plus what I think is an ulcer is flaring up, so if you could either get me to a doctor for cheap or fix that for me I'd really appreciate it. Your will be done, though, as my will is not so hot on occasion. Thanks, God, and I know you're going to take care of me, even though I don't see how.

Back to work, trying to do something.

My Tamale Issue

Please forgive any racial and/or ethnic stereotypes depicted by the above cat. It's his fault, not mine.

So this morning I'm driving to work and we see a roadside vendor selling tamales. He's selling them out of the back of his truck, and is holding a sign made of posterboard. There's only one problem here.

He's a white guy.

These days I have no problem with buying tamales from a roadside stand. But let's face it - it's going to have to be from a Mexican. (or Guatamalan, or Salvadoran, etc.)I just don't think white guys can pull it off entirely.

And while I'm on this, I don't like buying tortillas from the store. They don't taste right. The best ones I ever got from a store were some that were sold up here in the local Justin grocery store from a big tupperware tub near the front door. I don't think there was a word of English anywhere near them. They were made locally by somebody who knew what they were doing, and brought up to the store and sold. Eventually they quit selling 'em, and I was forced to start buying retail brand tortillas, which I resent. Now I look for the tortillas with the least amount of English on the package, and if they're made north of Austin I'm not interested. I think once you've had homemade tortillas you tend to get spoiled.

Anyway, that's about it for today. I'm glad all you #4 people are still reading :-)

252

I'll take "zero" for $400, Alex

How much time do I have to blog today?

Sorry, guys. There's nothing that can't wait until tomorrow, though. Have a cat.



251

Tuesday.

Well, my buddy Zach's house got broken into by some low-life. I am angry, but am determined to direct and channel it into something positive, like helping him make sure it doesn't happen again. I offered to post up at his place (heavily armed, of course) and see if the pinhead comes back, but my offer was politely declined.

I got some good news on the house front - it appears that President Bush signed a bill as part of the bailout package that enables distressed homeowners to short-sell their homes and not be held financially liable for the difference between the short-sale price and the payoff on the loan. My realtor is checking on this for me today - if this is the case I may be off the hook - I'd be able to dump the house, not have to eat the negative equity, and my credit won't take the profound beating of foreclosure. I'll keep you guys posted.

If you guys have an minute today, please pray for my friend Tara. I don't have her permission to go into specifics, but I know she'd sincerely appreciate it, as would her husband. And I would, too.

I have to get back to work now, but you guys have a good one.

250

We did it.

Toni and I got married on Saturday. It went great, though the 72 hours preceding the wedding were pretty stressful. Wednesday's trip to the fair was fun, but we had some train-catching issues that threw off our groove a little, and made me repent getting off my anti-anxiety meds a little to early.

Thursday I had an "I'm broke and I can't afford anything" pity party (which my Mom talked me out of) and Thursday night was slideshow-tweaking trauma night, and I found out a very dear friend is in the hospital. Toni however, had her bachelorette party, which was a rousing success, and gave her a great note to end her evening on.

Friday I was fairly stressed for most of the day, but only about wedding stuff. The apartment refused to let us set up the chairs until the morning of the wedding, which wasn't fun. However, the food (and especially the company) at the rehearsal dinner was spectacular, though I wish I hadn't been quite as stressed as I was. My brother and his wife generously gave us a great wedding present and gave us a nice wedding night at a great hotel. Very special thanks to Mom, Coral, Erin (and everybody else I was too stresssed to notice) for all their help in putting together a wonderful rehearsal dinner, and a very special thanks to my Dad for cooking a massive pile of steaks to perfection. After a great dinner and a nice recharge, I was up 'til 3:30 AM working out the audio visual technical bugs and getting all the pre-decorating groundwork done for the ceremony, and at about 4:00 AM on Saturday morning, I started feeling pretty good.

I have to say, the wedding went off perfectly, save my inadvertently trying to start the slideshow (which went pretty well I think) before the mothers were seated - oops! Almost all the people I love the most were there, and the folks that we wanted to share our day with us were in attendance. The music was perfect, especially the processional, and Code Name Diamond did a great job pulling double duty as the flower girl & ring-bearer. We had no problems with anybody whatsoever at any time, and the invaluable services rendered by our massive kilt-wearing groomsman (and official wedding bouncer) were much appreciated. Special thanks to Tim (Timmmaaaayyyy!) for flawlessly running the slideshow & the music for the entire event, too.

The ceremony was performed by native Texas Judge - The Honorable J.W. Hand (also my uncle) and my brother, who is an ordained minister. It was short, sweet, meaningful, righteous and good. We were very happy to have a wedding ceremony honored by the both God and the Great State of Texas.

The cakes (made by our respective mothers) were awesome. We had two extremely talented photographers to shoot everything, and we're excited to share the pictures as soon as we get them. Cleanup went quickly, and the clubhouse was restored to normal by 5:00 PM. We enjoyed a fun & romantic wedding night, and had a great time on Sunday relaxing & opening presents. Thank you notes will be on the way shortly.

Anyway, thank you - all of you - for making our wedding day so very special. It couldn't have happened any other way.

OK - back to work.

249

Last Post a a single guy

See you guys on Monday.
246

Second verse - same as the first.

Busy.

Wedding.
Work.

However - this is very similar to the next tattoo I'm going to get after my MJH tat.

Take all the logo stuff out and just imagine a black cat very similar to this one.

Ladies & Gentleman - my Inky tattoo (on my left shoulder blade, where she used to rest her head).



OK - back to doing stuff. Have a cat.

245

Nothing new to report, other than I'm taking our daughter to the fair today, still trying to get wedding stuff done, trying to get these orders out, trying to get paid, trying to shake off this sinus problem, trying to stay sober and trying not to let it all overwhelm me.

UGH - I can hear my dad groaning from here, then quoting Yoda.

"Do - or do not. There is no try."

Let me do that again.

I'm getting wedding stuff done.
I'm getting these orders out.
I'm getting paid.
I'm shaking off this sinus problem.
I'm staying sober.
I'm not letting it all overwhelm me.

There - that's better.

Have a cat.



244

I have to write fast today, too

Today I'm scanning old photos for a slideshow at the wedding. There are many photos, and this will take much time.

I got a little blindsided last night, but I'm OK now. Nothing serious - I was able to identify what was going on and work through it before it went south. It was a TV commercial for a life-management program, of all things. Weird, huh? I hate that it happened, but what are ya gonna do? I can't control it, so I'm not gonna try. I can go to bed earlier, though, and make sure I add that to my hurts & resentment list so that I can acknowledge it, acknowledge it's effect on me, work through that effect, decide how I'm going to let that affect me, and move forward. In other words, keep doing what I've been doing. It's all I know how to do, really.

Well, that's it for today. Back to work for me - I have important stuff to do. Wedding stuff.

243

This week is gonna be pretty sparse, blog-wise.

I'm slammed trying to get stuff done, and I'm not sure how much time I have to spend typing. Fortunately, there's not much time to be thinking as acting & doing seem to be taking up most of my time. I think I have every waking hour planned this week. I'm hoping to get to relax a little next week.

Anyway, everything's cool, other than me being sick on Sunday because I ran myself too ragged last week. I needed a day to recuperate my strength, which was nice.

Have a cat.



I'll see you folks tomorrow.

242

No blog today....

....as I have wedding stuff to do. Rehearsal dinner, tuxes, etc. Nothing last-minute about me, huh?

Before I go, though - I got these today from one of my accountability brothers:

________________________________________________

If you have been living to please everybody else or constantly trying to fix everything, rid yourself of that false sense of responsibility. Yes, reach out to others. Yes, be kind and compassionate. But make sure that you're keeping yourself happy. After God, you are your first priority.

"On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel . We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our heart." ~1 Thessalonians 2:4
_________________________________________________

Oh, man - I wish I had learned that about 25 years ago. (And you Pathways people oughta appreciate that one, huh?)

And I got this, too.
________________________________________________

When you're in peace (serenity), you have power. When you're at rest, God can fight your battles for you. Many people wear themselves out, frustrated because they don't have the job they want, upset because a child won't do right, worried over a health problem. No - turn all that over to God and be willing to go through tough times with a good attitude.

"I will strengthen them in the LORD and in his name they will walk,: declares the LORD. " ~Zechariah 10:12
__________________________________________________

I agree wholeheartedly. Without serenity, you're generally in a lot of trouble. At least I am.

Fortunately, God sure has given me a lot of it lately. :-)

See you guys on Monday.

239

And that's why I have chips in my washing machine.

Today's random smattering of thoughts.....

I have three friends that work in youth ministry. I'm here to tell you, I don't know how you do it. I've been working security for the youth gathering on Wednesday nights at my home church, and I'm here to tell you that I think my patience last night was fairly close to an end. Good LORD. Last night was spent trying to keep perhaps 300 kids between 12 and 18 from

A) running away
B) making out
C) breaking something
D) injuring themselves

Last night there was an inordinate number of them who were hyper, noisy, horny and/or annoying. All I wanted was several buckets of ice water and a Taser. Like I said - I don't know how you guys do it.

And for the record - when I was that age, I'm fairly certain I was among the worst of them. This is Karma coming back to visit, I guess. UGH. You guys don't get paid near enough some days, but I guess seeing them get saved, baptized, build houses in Mexico, learn to serve others, grow in Christ, and grow up is pretty rewarding, too.

My cats are out of control. Last night they managed to lock themselves out of the bathroom where their food and litter is kept, steal two bags of chips (Ruffles and Cool Ranch Doritos) and shred them open to get the salty goodness inside. I blame Pumba for this - he tried to steal a bag of Ruffles yesterday, and I caught him. I know he likes saltine crackers and popcorn already, so I guess chips aren't much of a stretch. I now have to store the chips out of his reach, though, so they ended up in the little laundry nook, where I can close the door. >insert blog title here<

I put the chips they didn't eat in a little bowl in the kitchen....not that they deserve it. When she wakes up, Toni will have a fun time figuring out why there's a cereal bowl of Ruffles in front of the sink.

Toni and I are going to job fair today, just to see what's out there, if anything. Her resume is on a little portable drive that holds more memory than my first computer. That's pretty cool.

My brother is going to be in town next week - I'm looking forward to that.

My buddy Eric and I are going shooting on Saturday - that'll be fun.

We have to check the train schedule for next week's trip to the fair. Audrey will have a fun with that!

I need a haircut pretty bad.

Meh - I'm out of stuff.

238

Reduce heat and simmer

OK - it looks like everybody's cooled down sufficiently & we're back to normal. I pulled the blog from a a few days ago just to keep from fanning any flames that may be dying down. While I'm on that, I do need to own up to a few things that I think I understand better after a few days to ruminate.

In one respect, she was right - I should have contacted her & her hubby when I called my parents on Sunday, and I should have (at least) told them when I dropped her off. While it was not intentional, I am ultimately responsibly for causing her mom and stepdad to miss it because I didn't think of you them as well. I am sorry for that - I really am.

I do need to give them credit where credit is due, as I know that her mom & her stepdad make an effort to include me in her daily life with her football games & teacher nights and stuff like that, and I appreciate it. I also realize that I owe both of them the same courtesy, and I missed out on the chance to extend it to them on Sunday like they deserved. I asked them forgiveness for that - that was my fault, and I won't do it again.

When I pick up Audrey on Thursday, I'll take responsibility for my actions and tell that I was wrong not to make sure that her mom and stepdad were included on Sunday. We still agree with each other on showing a united front, and will also continue to speak positive things about each other as well, and will continue to enforce this policy with our families as well.

I needed a reminder to make sure my actions needing to match my words, and it's my responsibility to show Code Name Diamond what integrity looks like.

So, I think we're all cool now.

What else?

I have a new (second) job with my apartment complex as a "porter" which I think is code for garbage man and pooper-scooper. I'm fine with that, though. I also have an interview for a third job as a bouncer again at a cowboy bar in Fort Worth - I gotta leave for that one in about 30 minutes. Hey - I'm not gonna get out of debt just sitting on my can and waiting for it to happen, right?

The cats are groovy.
The wedding is coming together bit by bit.
The money's starting to come in a little.

The next projects I have is getting a tux & getting the slideshow all put together, but I have a day or so to do that.

OK - gotta go. See you guys tomorrow.

237

Picking your fights

So, in yet another example of God's good timing, I got this today:

We can be good to people when they're good to us. That's easy. But God wants us to be good to people even when they're not good to us. You overcome evil with good.

"The tongue has the power of life and death..." ~Proverbs 18:21

Truth be told, as much as I like to fight, I really don't let my self get dragged into very much these days. I have a very, very short list of what I'm willing to fight over, and it seems like every day (or at least every week) there's something else that just doesn't make the list. My wife-to-be is catching this particular wave as well, it seems.

In the police academy they taught us that it always takes two to fight, and you can avoid a lot of fights by making it clear that the other person is on their own. In hand-to-hand combat, you have the option - right off the bat - to either penetrate or disengage. These days, unless it's a direct physical threat, I'm choosing to disengage more and more.

I think most of this comes back to control - isn't that what fighting is really all about? When you fight, you're trying to do one of two things: protect yourself or control somebody else.

One thing that recovery has taught me is this: I have no control over much of anything.

I can't control what other people choose to do.
I can't control what other people choose to say.
I can't control what other people choose to think.
I can't control what other people choose to hear.
I can't control what other people choose to _________. You see the pattern, right?

I can only control two things:

#1) What I choose to think
#2) What I choose to do.

Aside from that, I got nothin' - so I just don't have it in me to try to control what anybody else says, does, thinks or hears, and I also don't have it in me to get involved any more than I have in events that either don't involve me directly or that I have no control over.

I also have a choice as to whom I choose to fight with, and whom I shall allow to get under my skin. These days I liken most situations to a dog barking at you from behind a fence. There's no point in trying to explain to the dog that I have a right to walk in this sidewalk - the dog either doesn't care or doesn't understand. Secondly, the dog is behind the fence, and can't really get at you. However, when and if the dog comes out from behind the fence, then it's a real problem and the fight needs to be on, and it needs to be ended quickly.

And for the record, I am not calling anybody a dog, implying that anybody is a dog, comparing anybody to a dog, or otherwise attempting to defame somebody or anybody in any way. It was just an analogy, OK? Good Lord - it was the first animal I could come up with that tends to be a nuisance on occasion. If it makes you feel better, you can a use a bear or tiger or a bunny or any other animal you like in whatever enclosure you feel is appropriate.

Anyway, that's it today. Here's to critters staying where they belong and not fighting about stupid things and not letting stupid things get you down, huh?

236

I got this today, too.

I thought it was pretty cool.

"We all want to be better human beings, but we needn't beat ourselves up over our shortcomings. I may not have a perfect performance, but I know my heart is right. Other people may not always be pleased with me, but I'm confident that God is."

I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.
~Jeremiah 17:10

You displease me.

An open letter to every TV station on the air and every large company I deal with:

I shall divide my gripes into two sections so that you may better understand them, as all the "customer service" surveys that I've taken - at your behest, by the way - have yielded zero results.

Part I - Please put a person on the phone.

Washington Mutual.
Wachovia.
HomEq.
Virgin Mobile.
Sprint.

Just put a real person on the phone. That's why we have phones. Remember phones? The principle was pretty simple - I want to talk to somebody, so I pick up this device, push some numbered buttons in a particular sequence. This alerts somebody else that I want to talk to them, and they pick up their phone and we get to communicate. You've all managed to scrwe that up, too. When I call you, I have to wade through an interminable series of voice prompts.

If you're calling about _____, press 1.
If you're calling about _____, press 2.

I just want to talk to a person. Oftentimes I hit "0", but more and more that accomplishes nothing. Sometimes they make me enter a verification code of some kind before I even am allowed to be put in the que to talk to a real person, just to be asked for it again later.

I think the next time you call me I'm going to make you go through a series of voice prompts and see how you like it.

If you are calling about money, press one.
If you are calling about paintball, press two.

>beep<

If you are calling about giving me money, press or say "one"
If you are calling about me giving you money, press or say "two"

>beep<

Please say the name of the person you are calling. For a list of people that may be reached at this number, please press the "star" key.

I'm sorry - we are unable to understand you. Please re-enter.
I'm sorry - we are unable to understand you. Please re-enter.
I'm sorry - we are unable to understand you. Please re-enter.

In the very unlikely event that I actually want them to reach me, I'll develop a script that sounds canned and insincere that requires me to give a false name and be completely unable to actually solve the customer's issue. My name will be Glen, and I'll reassure them that my goal is to provide them with excellent service today, but in reality all I want to do it check off all the points on the script the call center management has written for me. I'll use such phrases as:

"How may I provide you with outstanding customer service today?"

Quit reading damn script and talk to me like a real person.

"I'm sorry the hear that you're experiencing that misfortune."

"Your privacy is your right and our duty, but before we proceed, can I get your permission to review your account with us?"

If they refuse to cooperate in any way, I'll apologize to them and say how sorry I am that I was unable to provide them with excellent customer service, but before I let them go I'll rehash the entire damn call and make sure I close with the scripted corporate benediction.

"Go forth and peace be unto ye, O' inconvenient customer. May ye disturbeth us not further, but prithee willst thou visit our website, where we can offer no real assistance 24/7. Thou cans't also chat online with another customer service representative who will merely type out the canned responses instead of saying them, and close with the laughable line of "Thank you for allowing us to be your provider of choice", knowing full well that there's no other providers in my area.

I'm talking to YOU, Verizon. I'd ditch your ass in a heartbeat if anybody else had a monkey with two copper wires, a 9-volt and a few tin cans within a mile of here.

What the hell, man? Isn't the point of having a phone number to help your customers? 99% of the time I leave even more pissed off then when I called. And for the love of GAWD, stop telling me to go visit your website.

This brings me to Part II.

Part II - Stop telling me to visit your website.

Last night I was watching TV, and I realized that every single station plugs their website repeatedly throughout the evening. The news was the worst offender, most notably Channel 4 (Fox), who is still blatantly trying to cash in on MySpace's popularity with this little gem.




C'mon - have some dignity, people. You're supposed to be Cronkites, Murrows & Russerts - not 15-year-old kids trying to show how cool and hip you are. Just tell me the news, OK? Don't tell me to go to your website after every single story. Stop plugging it.

Listen to me, people - I don't want to go to your website, so stop telling me to. I want to watch TV. If I wanted to go to your website, I would. I'd kill the TV, turn off your show and get on my computer and Google your station if I wanted to, but I don't - I want to sit here and watch King of the Hill and Everybody Loves Raymond not go to your website.

I'm talking to you, Channel 27 & Channel 33.

Forget my financial woes.
Forget my looming foreclosure.
Forget my looming repossession.
Forget my late child support.
Forget my devastating breakups.
Forget my addiction recovery.
Forget my rage problem.
Forget my therapist and myriad of personal issues I've had.
Forget my divorce.

All these pale in comparison to the amount of stress that you jackanapes give me today.

Ugh - this is why I take anti-anxiety meds, but I'm not going to let you discommodious troglodytes take anything away from the great weekend I have planned with Code Name Diamond & Toni.

So NYAH!

Have (another) cat.




You guys have a great weekend. I'll be less bitter on Monday.

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Thursday & the State Fair recap

Not a whole lot to say today, really. Toni and I went to the state fair yesterday. We took the TRE train instead of driving, and it was awesome. We made it there faster, cheaper and without the stress of driving through Dallas traffic. We saved about $20 on fuel, too. And, if you bring in three canned goods to the fair on a Wednesday, you get in for $1. It's a steal.

I'm never driving to the fair again.

We did pretty good on food, too. We split everything, so we got to eat more variety without overeating too badly. Here's our Food Roster:

1) Fresh-squeezed lemonade (sooooo good)
2) Funnel Cake (Toni's first time to eat it - she's now a fan)
3) Hand Tossed Pizza
4) Pineapple Whip (I had two)
5) Tater Twisters (in which I was a little disappointed)

Toni also ate a pickle and we both had a couple of sodas.

I avoided Fletcher's Corny dogs because every year a I get one they're a little worse than the year before. I can't explain that one. We also skipped out on the chicken fried bacon. You have to draw the line somewhere. We bailed on the pig races after 10 minutes of hype, and we left the Domino Guy show because it was too crowded and we couldn't see. I think YouTube has ruined me, because I realized that if we wanted to see dominoes falling we could watch it online whenever we wanted. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. We didn't really do the Midway rides, but we did ride the cable-car ride that takes you over the fair. That was pretty cool. The parade was pretty short and fun to play in - the Shriners are really nice guys and I was glad they let me play with them. They even gave me a beret to wear, but I had to give it back. Next time we go we're going to get there a lot earlier and watch the bird show.

I gotta go see my chiropractor this afternoon because I can feel my back trying to either lock up or go out. Fortunately, she's across the street from my office so even if I blow the disc again I can hobble over. She's a great doc and does fabulous work. Apparently, though, once you throw out your back or blow a disc it's easier to do it again. I'm finding this out from personal expeience, unfortunately, but I'll feel better in a few hours.

I also have to get my antidepressants refilled, but that's a quick $4 fix I can take care of today. I think Walmart has done more for health care than the feds ever have, and I love 'em for it. On a good note, I haven't taken my anti-anxiety meds for about six weeks now, and I feel pretty good.

What else?

I burned my hands mixing acid today, but it's nothing serious. They're a little itchy but that's it. And I have to clean the litterbox when I get home.

OK - that's it for me. When all I have is litterbox talk it's evident there's nothing to say today. See you guys tomorrow, and I promise not to talk about the litterbox.

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I'm up early because I couldn't sleep.

Last night I went to sleep at 1 AM. I just wasn't tired until then.
I woke up at 4:15 AM.
I woke up again at 6:30 AM.
Toni came home at 7:30 AM.
At 8:15 AM I gave up and got out of bed.

Oddly enough, I feel OK. I hope it lasts until tonight, because I'm playing in the parade at the state fair with the Shriners' Drum & Bugle Corp. The Shriners' seem like they do a lot of good work, and they let the Frontier people play with 'em in the parade. I can't wear the little fez, but that's OK. They have parking passes & tickets so we can get in for free, but we're going to go early so I'll have to use 'em next time. Toni figured out a way to get in cheap ($1 + some canned food) and we're going to take the train & then the bus to save on gas & parking, 'cause we're this close to being broke, but we're going to go the fair anyway. You still have to have a life and do something fun every once in a while, ya know?

I'm a little (well, a lot) stressed about money, most especially about being so behind on child support. That bothers me a lot. I think I'll be all caught up in a few weeks, but that bothers me more than going through a foreclosure or getting my car repo'd. I feel like a deadbeat dad, and I hate that. I already struggle with feeling like enough of a failure as a parent (whether or not it's justified) because I only have my daughter one day a week and every other weekend and I don't get to log in the time that I still want to spend with her without adding the added burden of being so terribly behind on my child support. Ugh - last night it was getting to me enough that I actually decided to allow myself a few moments of self-pity in an effort to make the feeling go away. I haven't let me feel sorry for myself in a long time, but it was good to see why I choose not to do it anymore. I don't think I accomplished anything, and I didn't really feel any better afterwards.

On a totally different note, yesterday a HUGE bug flew into the apartment. It was one of these:


They're called tarantula hawks, or cicada killers. In scientific talk, it's Pepsis sp., (Hymenoptera: Pompilidae). They're giant-ass wasps. It was about 1 1/2 inch long, black with long legs and yellow-orange wings edged in black. Pepsis utilizes tarantulas as food for their immatures. They sting the tarantulas and drag them into burrows in the ground.

Good GAWD.

Anyway, one of these monsters flew into our apartment yesterday through the open balcony door. I have no idea why it had to select OUR apartment, but there he was, in all of his evil glory.

Now, in case you guys don't know, bugs bother the hell out of me.

Especially big bugs.
Especially flying bugs.
Especially stinging bugs.

Combine all three features and you have my entomological nightmare. In my apartment.

Well, Toni did the sensible thing and ran inside our bedroom and closed the door. From her place of safety, she told me to close the door to the bathroom and the door to Code Name Diamond's bedroom to prevent this giant bug from getting into either space. I credit her degree in Emergency Management to allow her to think clearly in a crisis.

Toni gets to run and hide from giant, flying, stinging bugs. Even though she used to run into burning buildings (as a firefighter) can handle a.45 almost as well as me and works in a prison, she's still very much a girl, and gets to play the girl card and run and hide. And truthfully, I was terrified, and I wanted to run and hide. I felt like fainting.

However, as the man, it was my duty to kill the giant bug.

Now, I'm here to tell you I'd have been less frightened if an armed intruder had kicked in the front door. I can handle that. I'd have almost preferred a rattlesnake, except that the cats might have fared poorly. As it was, Timone was desperately trying to assist and was leaping through the air like a wheat-colored fuzzy gazelle, determined to kill that bug. He gets the Helper Cat of the Week Award. I don't know what Oscar and Pumba were doing, though I suspect they were hiding under the table.

My first instinct, of course, was to grab my Glock and start shooting. My second idea, which was only slightly better, was to use the shotgun. I realized at that moment that I no longer own a flyswatter, and I was loathe to get close enough to use a cap or something similar. After ascertaining that Timone wasn't going to be able to take the bug down by himself despite my excited and enthusiastic encouragement, I settled for a weapon of opportunity and grabbed a 5-gallon plastic storage tub. As the lean yellow cat launched himself repeatedly into the air to a shocking height, and with Toni yelling "KILL IT! KILL IT!" from her place of safety, I swung viciously with the clear plastic box, eventually connecting and knocking the bug into the kitchen. The bug collided with a hard surface somewhere out of my vision, making noises that told me that he was down but not out.

Now I knew I had hit the wasp, but I couldn't see it. I could hear it buzzing and thrashing someplace in the kitchen, but I had a blind corner and a blind countertop I had to brave to finish the job. In that moment, I would have rather moved out than go into the kitchen, although I knew that, as the man, it was my job to protect my wife-to-be and my cats from this terrible bug. In a moment of training and experience overtaking situational awareness, I blurted out "Where'd he go? Where'd he go? WHERE'D HE GO?!?!?!?! " , halfway expecting my old MCPD partner Cpl. Mashburn to respond from behind his drawn 9mm, or, more likely, my buddy Brian to bellow the location this adversary from behind his Ubercocker as we've done in hundreds of paintball games. Unfortunately, neither of these men were present, and Timone's excited meowing was all I heard before Toni responded from behind the bedroom door with a baffled "How should I know?"

I swallowed hard and charged into the kitchen, where after a few short and terrifying seconds I located the wasp in the sink, struggling to right himself. I pounded the tub furiously into the sink, eventually landing a blow devastating enough to cause the now wildly thrashing bug to slip halfway down the drain before getting stuck in the strainer. At this point I dropped the tub and turned on the water, finishing off the bug by drowning it. It was an ugly victory, but I'll take it.

Anyway, that's what happened yesterday. I'll eat some funnel cake and a pineapple whip for you guys.

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