You know something I don't like? When my actions have a negative effect on other around me, especially when I don't mean for them to. I suppose it comes back to this: we judge ourselves by our intentions, other judge us by our actions. I guess variation of that is that we tend to judge others by their actions. I think that's a Dr. Phil-ism, and whatever you may think about Dr. Phil I think he's right about that one. I always wanted people to judge me in my intentions, no matter how irresponsible, selfish, manipulative or just plain wrong my actions were. Pretty dysfunctional, huh? Yet that was the standard by which I wanted (and expected) others to judge me by - what I meant, not what I did.
For example, Toni's exhausted - completely - as she's fudged her sleep schedule to accommodate me as of late, and it's beginning to take it's toll on her, as it would on anyone. I don't know why I manage to get by with my charlie-foxtrot napping sessions with no real (and when I say "real" I mean "physical observable to me") negative effects, although our daughter has lost some quality time with us both today, as both Toni and I were dog-tired this morning. I finally got to bed and about four AM (I helped set up the stage at the bar after I got off work at the theater) and I apparently snored badly, depriving her of much-needed sleep. I also had to go to work at 4 today, and I'm just now getting home. Fortunately, I'm off from everything for the next 48 hours, and I intend to enjoy every second of that time with both of them.
And while I was rolling around on the ground beneath the stage, I lost my 3-year recovery coin. When I went back for it today, the cleaning crew had already gotten to it, and it was gone. Ordinarily, I don't go back for stuff I've lost, but I did go back and try to rescue that particular item. I ordered a new one today to replace it, as every day for nearly three and a half-years I've kept a recovery coin with me to remind me. I think I might get my 90 day encased in Lucite - that one was the hardest to get. I'm chalking it up to $6.85 worth of lesson in keeping better track of things that are important to me. Maybe I'll make a necklace out of it or something.
I'd also like to mention that last night was Karaoke night, which means I got to hear a lot of awful singing, but it did lead me to think about what song I'd sing - sort of like that scene in "Walk the Line" where a guy asks Johnny Cash if he could just sing one song before he died, what would it be?
I admit I thought about it for a while. I figure if you're going to sing, it ought to be something from your heart, right? I have a lot of sings that mean something to me; songs from special times and from special places and ones that remind me of special people; songs that have ownership and always will. Some are what I'd call "retired"; they represent memories that might be best suited where they are, and likely need to remain. Some, though, are ones that mean something to me, and nobody else. The best one I could come up with was "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion. It's about addiction (at least that's my take on it). It sure is one of my favorites, especially since I can sing it and know that while I was once was (and always be) and addict, God has brought forth great miracles and healing in me, and I can sing that song knowing that while my recovery will never be over, I never, ever have to go back to where I was, and I can sing that sad song with a heart that's both heavy and joyous. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, that's it. I'm tired and I want to get up and spend some time with our daughter and not be dazed.
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