Answers - Part 1

Who do you think would make the better cop? You or Toni?

That's a tough question because "better" is relative term. Toni's a lot more intelligent than I am, and can analyze the totality of a situation much faster than I can. She can also read people like a book within seconds, and has an uncanny ability to know their story without being asked. She has perspective into the female mindset I can never hope for, and is more compassionate than I am. Her ability to deal with crime victims would supersede mine. She would be a better detective and a better investigator than me, hands down. Any area I would exceed her in (except for the physical aspects; fighting, running, etc) are all training and experience related. I'd have to say Toni.

What was the motive behind this game?

I had four motivations. In no particular order:

A) I didn't have anything else to talk about, so I tried this. I also like the affirmation, truthfully. I like to know that people are interested and that people are reading, and that they're out there and they actually care enough to respond. it's nice.

B) I wanted to give the readership something they wanted; to deliver information that they wanted to know rather than force them to wade through what I wanted them to hear in hopes that they would find something they liked.

C) I know there's people that read and don't comment, and I wanted them to feel included. I also wanted to reach out to them and offer an opportunity for them to get involved safely, without the possibility of being lashed out at.

D) I need the accountability from you guys. You guys have a perspective I don't have and can't get - from the outside, looking in. Your questions keep me honest, and help me see what I'm doing wrong. You guys offer me the opportunity to figure out what's wrong on my own; instead of you guys telling me what to do, you simply lead me in a direction which allows me to discover the solution for myself. Ordinarily I pay $75 hour for that kind of guidance, but I'm broke and you guys are filling in rather nicely.

When will you choose to invest time into studying the Bible?

When I feel like I need it. Right now, as prideful and arrogant as is sounds (or , more appropriately, is) I feel like I'm doing fine without it. I know (intellectually) I could be doing a lot better, but so far I haven't been driven to that point of desperation yet; that point where I'm so desperate for answers or comport or peace of relief that I go digging through the Bible trying to find something that'll make me feel better. I suppose I tend to view the Bible as a book of crisis, an emergency manual to turn to when the building is on fire. That's been the pattern in the past, I know. I guess I never thought of it an anything else until now. I'm not sure why I'm having a hard time making that emotional connection between daily (or any) study and having a better, more serene life. I know I never really studied the Bible until I started going through the divorce, when it proved several times to be the only solace for me. I picked it up several more times during recovery as well, but again, after I started feeling better I let it fall by the wayside again. While my tendency to view God as a crisis control measure has certainly changed, reading His word just hasn't yet. I don't know how to create the emotional desire to read it yet, though I suppose if I start it'll probably just catch on. It's a shitty answer, I know.

Why are you investing so much time and energy into a business (the drug test one) that doesn't give much back?

I do it because every once in a while it makes a ton of money. I think it's done it four or five times in the past eight years or so. I guess it's the same principle of playing 99 losing hands to win one - and being oblivious to the fact that when you do win, the pot still doesn't cover your losses. I have a hard time walking away from something that has the potential to make my next four years of income at the theater in six weeks. I suppose I view it as a huge ticket to get out of debt, as my current job isn't doing it yet. I have to admit that the time/income ratio is much, much higher with the drug testing company, but the income is sporadic and whether or not orders come in is largely out of my control. The income also isn't sufficient to meet the bills I have, and set aside the appropriate amount in taxes, and tithe, and keep a savings account, and pay for child support.

For what it's worth, I'm earnestly looking to walk away from it when I/we can find a better job. We'll keep it going until Dad gets back in case he wants to run it again. I think he did a better job than I did anyway, and keeping his company afloat until his return is the least we can do for all the help he's given us along the way.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

I do it a lot less these days. I'm doing my best to focus in what is, and not what can be or might be. But what if _________________ happens has played a huge role in my life until relatively recently, I know. I think "what if" is simply my attempt to keep all my options open, which amounts to this: me trying to stay in control ; trying to stay one step ahead of everything - "what if" is just a tactical exercise in contingency. I need to recognize what I'm doing when I'm doing it and do a better job of quitting.

OK - I have to go to work. More (really late) tonight. Keep 'em coming.

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