So...Thanksgiving is upon us, and I have to admit I just don't care all that much. For many of you, this is no shocker, as most holidays (with the exception of the 4th of July, though I hated that one for a while, too) are like this for me. Allow me to unpack this for you, if I may.
I acknowledge that this is indeed a essentially selfish attitude to have. While I begrudge nobody the delight of holidays, it tends to be a downer of sorts (at least that's how it's been explained to me) when my excitement level doesn't match that of those around me. I do try my best not to drag anybody else down with me in my apathy, but it's happened before, and it'll likely continue, as I have no real affinity for holidays anymore, and evidently 99% of the rest of the culture I exist in does.
For what it's worth, I'm the same way with my birthday, too. I like to do things for other people, but I dislike any additional attention on my own birthday. To me, it's just another day, and to my way of thinking, I haven't really done anything worth celebrating. I guess to me, survival isn't something you celebrate - it's just something you do to avoid dying while you try to eke out a living through whatever means you can. I suppose in theory it gives those around you a chance to celebrate your birth or something, and while I'm all for doing it for other people (my family, my kid, my wife, my friends, to whatever extent I'm financially able), I just don't want it done for me. I feel uncomfortable getting any kind of fuss made over me - does that make sense? I don't even like being told Happy Birthday. All I want is something to eat and a few minutes of peace and quiet and I'm happy. I'm not even particularly fond of having any money spent on me, either, especially since I'm in such dire financial straits, and right now anything but food seems like a wild extravagance. And I know to some that's sad, and I get that, but I don't ever see being able to break out of that mentality.
Anyway, this takes me to Thanksgiving. I suppose a lot of it has to do with my family being out of town (excuse me - the country), and that I'm putting in a 16+ hour work day. Aside from a bit of extra money, to me it's just another day. I get that it's a day to step back a reflect and be thankful for all the things that God has blessed me with, but when I go to bed at most every night, I thank God for giving my wife and my daughter and for a warm house to sleep in and enough food to eat that day. He knows I'm thankful. I don't think devoting a day to the equivalent of gluttony and then an afternoon sitting around watching TV or looking at pre-sale newspaper ads accomplishes anything of value. I might just be bitter and grouchy, though. That's a possibility, if not a likelihood.
I used to crazy love Halloween, but now I don't really get excited about it anymore. Mostly, I feel a sense of frustration at feeling forced to spend $20 on Halloween candy to avoid the guilt of feeling like a bad neighbor or a kid-hating grouch.
And Christmas. There's a lot I hate about Christmas, and oh - has it irritated people to no end, especially those Christmas loving people, whom I hold in the highest regard for their enthusiasm and commitment.
I hate that it evidently starts in September.
I hate the unbearable crush of marketing, advertising and hype.
I hate that everybody has a crappy Christmas special.
I hate not having enough money to by gifts for everybody I want to.
I hate having to give up our daughter for half of it; every year - forever.
I hate remembering all the times I was fighting with somebody I loved on Christmas, or some of the terrible things that happened to me around some of the holidays in past years. Some of that shit stays with you, ya know? It's hard to forget sometimes, no matter how hard you try.
Maybe that's it. I spent a lot of holidays fighting with whomever I was in a relationship with, man. My wife, girlfriend, whatever. Bad fights, too. I think one of the best Christmases I spent in recent memory was one that I spent in complete isolation; no contact with anybody, really - but no fighting, either.
I'm hoping that as the years go by I start to get some of that joy back that holidays are supposed to bring, but so far I'm just not bursting with it. I'm not hostile to wards any holiday in and of itself - I suppose I've just been worn down to neutral.
Anyway, that's it. No question, no answers, just a lot of words that accomplished little. Thanks for making it all to way to the end.
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1 comment:
It may surprise you, but more people than you might think feel the same way about the so called "Holidays" or what they have come to represent, in the Godless culture that America is evolving into at a rapid speed, that being merely a time for consumers to consume and sellers to sell.
However going back to the original purpose of Thanksgiving. That being a special day set aside for the sole purpose of giving thanks and expressing their gratitude to God for His blessings of survival and providing their basic needs in a very harsh and difficult environment. Many of whom had lost mothers, fathers, wives, husbands and children to diseases and other causes. If there was anyone who ever knew the true meaning of being grateful to God, they did. It was and still is a good thing to do. Unfortunately, greed has for the most part, replaced gratefulness in America. But some people still know the true reason for this day and can truly celebrate the gifts and blessings God continues to give us. Tomorrow you will celebrate your blessings by doing the unselfish thing of working long hours to make needed provisions for your family. Your father and I will celebrate by facilitating the Thanksgiving meal that all the missionaries here on the compound will enjoy together in a spirit of true Thanksgiving. As I do everyday, personally I will give thanks to God for my sons and their families.
For you Ian, I am especially thankful, not for the suffering you have experienced these last few years (self inflicted or otherwise) but what God has taught me as I grieved and anguished, over what you were going through. That being, He is my strength and there is no other. and what true forgiveness really means. Thanksgiving and Christmas in their truest meaning is all about love, God's love and love of family. You know that is the only thing that really matters and you can celebrate the love of God and the love of your family especially the love of a Godly woman. Don't need to eat turkey, watch football or go shopping to do that.
I know Saturday is your birthday and I will celebrate the day you were born because God gave your dad and I a precious gift of a son (flawed? yes as we all are) yet a good son, a loving and compassionate son. A son that brings us joy and has made us very proud. (That goes for both our sons)
I know Christmas is a mixed bag for you mainly because of the break-up of your first marriage and the pain that brought and the effect it still has, But there again going back to it's original purpose gives us all reason to celebrate. Because of it, we have life abundantly (not measured by the balance in the check book) but by the very life of Christ in us. We have real hope, we have joy that He gives. It does not come and go according to a date on the calendar. But for this special time we do celebrate God's gift of our Savior, our one and salvation from a life of hopelessness. I hope you don't lose that in all the crap that clutters this day. You may not have all the money you want to buy gifts and yes your life is still not where you want it to be or where you plan for it to. You do get to have your daughter for some of the time. The family here will spend their first Christmas without their precious little boy and the next, and the next.. When you add up all your gifts and blessings I think you will have reason to celebrate this season of Thanksgiving and the most precious gift of all. The birth of our Savior. However you choose to do that.
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