I check my e-mail. I read my blogs and write mine if I can. I visit my "regular" set of webpages; Munkies, Fox News, IPR and a couple of more. After I do that, I really have no reason to sit here, but I have the hardest time standing up and doing something else more productive.
I think that tendency is rooted in a few different things; first, I spent four years working directly in front of a computer, so it became a pretty strong habit. Secondly, I try to keep an eye on work e-mails and I do chime in on a few message boards I frequent, but generally that only takes a few moments. You know what really connected me to this though? Chicks, man - those sweet, sweet chicks.
Ha. It was too funny (and obvious) not to post.
Using the internet to feed my addiction aside, the non-work related "obsession" started largely in about September 2004, when I joined e-harmony. I spent hours day checking my profile to see if I had any more matches or if any of them had talked to me. When I did get a response, it was such a big deal to me. It was affirmation, hope, anticipation - all those great things you that feel good, and that payoff was intense. After a while, it was because I was talking to somebody online, generally through e-mail. After a bit longer, it was a way to communicate with somebody I was in a relationship with. When the relationship ended, I still sat in front of the box, wanting and hoping. (I still cruised online dating sites, too - that hadn't changed.) From time to time, my hopes would be rewarded in some way, still generating that intense payoff, though oftentimes it would disintegrate into fighting over e-mail, even spilling onto my blog on occasion, but that's not what this is about today.
All of these factors combined, I was (still am?) pretty hooked on sitting in front of this computer.
Now: fast-forward to today.
Not using the computer to feed my addiction
Nor using the computer to search for a woman.
Not using the computer to seek affirmation or a payoff - or am I?
Why is it still hard for me to push away and get off? Is it simply 11 years of habit? Is it some subconscious part of my mind trying to cause my body to replicate the activity that directly resulted in those payoffs, similar to a gambler playing 999 losing hands to win one?
As much as I hate to admit, I have to be completely honest with myself and realize that there's still a small part of me that still needs (or thinks It needs) that payoff, and that makes it hard to stand up and simply find something else to do.
Is using the internet in and of itself become an addiction for me? What am I still looking for or needing, or is it just a hard habit to break?
Another night with a lot of questions, and not as many answers.
Have a cat.
613
1 comment:
son I was going to comment yesterday, but I forgot to do so. You are correct in your observations on the "addiction" of the internet. It can be a lot of fun and provide a lot of information - but it can eat up a lot of time that can be used to better ends. I spend too much time on the internet (but we do not have TV here for the news), and I have to control the amount of time I spend there. Much of the time spent on the internet is not productive at all; it does not make us any money and it costs us time. And there is some truth to the old saying that "time is money". So to push away from the computer and go do something useful is a good thing to do. Go do it! Love...dad
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