Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a terrible day. Today has been better. Last night I had a dream that Toni and I saved a baby that was in respiratory distress, and the baby made it. After that, I joined a guy from CR in his Cowboy Western Shootout re-enactment group (I have no idea if he even does that or not, but it was pretty cool in the dream, and I got to buy a t-shirt for it). I don't know what all of that means, but it was pretty cool.

I realized last night that I'm still carrying a little bit of hurt from something that happened a long time ago. I've known several people that have had abortions, but in one particular instance I knew the person pretty well and I fought pretty hard trying to get her to keep the baby. Rightfully or wrongfully, I tried my hardest to persuade her to keep it and give it up for adoption, but in the end she had it done. I was devastated, man. When I found out, I wept for that baby, and I guess every once in awhile I still do a little, even though I wasn't the father, I wasn't dating her in any way, and I had nothing to do with the pregnancy whatsoever. I just thought that nobody seemed to be sticking up for the baby, and that somebody ought to, ya know? I still carry that one a little - maybe I need to work on letting that one go, too. I didn't know I was still carrying it until last night. It's still hard, but I think that's where some of my angst comes from on something that I still struggle with from time to time. It's very "Silence of the Lambs" I guess, like somehow if I know that if one situation ends up OK than that'll somehow redeem something, though I'm not sure what. One more layer, huh? I guess on some level I feel like I failed that kid, and if I had said or done something better or smarter or been more spiritual maybe the kid would be celebrating his or her 8th birthday this year. Instead, I still feel like I let the kid down, and he (or she) died because of my failure; because I couldn't save him. I know (intellectually) it's not true, but it still bothers me sometimes, and it took something else occurring to bring it to the surface, which I guess I'm thankful for, because I guess now I can deal with it.

Moving (well..... packing) is going pretty well. I'll have the entire house in the front room by Friday night, and I should be 99% out of the house by Saturday, with just a few straggling bits & pieces to round up on Sunday and next week. It'll be nice to have a new place to live. It'll be like a fresh start, ya know?

Sometimes I share too much, I guess. Yesterday I tried to be open with some of the guys on another forum, but I don't think it went too well. In a way, I thought they'd understand, but instead they just seemed to be pretty appalled. It's not their fault, really. I guess it's not something that guys talk about. I don't think I'll do that again. I guess you have to pick and choose who you open up to - I should have talked with my CR guys about that instead. Sorry, guys.

My back is getting better.
Still no paycheck today.
Still no buyer for the house.

Tonight I get to go work security at church, so that'll be cool. I enjoy doing that.

Anyway, that's it for today.

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