I started writing my resentments list yesterday. I ended up cratering and calling my sponsor and accountability partners to shore me up. Today is better, but yesterday was awful.

It's hard to re-hash so much, especially when you've dedicated your life to moving forward and not looking back at the past, even if you're doing it to get it all out and move past it. I realized yesterday (after this was pointed out to me by at least two people) that while I've moved past some of this, I've never actually taken the time (or maybe I haven't had the time) to adequately grieve over the losses involved.

I do have some - in fact, many - so-called "resentments" that are beyond stupid. For example:

I resent _________ for ruining Oklahoma.
I resent _________ for ruining Christmas.
I resent _________ for ruining snow.
I resent _________ for ruining 26
I resent _________ for ruining the name _________.

Seriously - Oklahoma? Christmas? Snow? The number 26?

See - a large portion (perhaps even the vast majority) of these are strictly my own hangups I haven't dealt with, or haven't acknowledged, and have nothing whatsoever to do with anybody else but me. Hell - the other people have no idea I'm still hanging on to this stuff, most of which is completely irrational anyway, and why should they? They bear no responsibility for much of this this nonsense whatsoever. So yeah - I can see the abject foolishness and stupidity on several of these, but they tend to get mixed in with the "real" ones that I need to deal with, heal from, and move past. I thought you guys could appreciate the insanity of some of the more ridiculous ones, though. I admit it - some are a little funny, a tad stupid. The "real" ones, however, aren't going to be posted here, both out of respect for others and because it's not necessary, and no good can possibly come of it.

Anyway, I'm still working on it, God's still taking care of me, and it is getting better.

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UPDATE:

I re-did a section of my Step #4 where I listed some of my resentments that I had had either missed, overlooked, or was in denial about. I got it all out, I think.

It was 13 pages long, single spaced, 8 pt type. Some of it was stupid, irrational and quite foolish, and I think much of it had nothing whatsoever to do with their respective subjects, but all of it was very, very real, and I'm really glad to have gotten myself free of that kind of baggage, especially before I get married. I want to thank you guys (especially my lovely wife-to-be) for all of your prayers & support.

I feel a hell of a lot better today, albeit with tired hands from typing so much.