As I've said before, I'm once again in a place that feels a little strange to me. I mean, don't get me wrong - it's a good place to be, but after re-doing my 4th step in an effort to rid myself of some of those resentments, I feel a little strange today. I feel like I've been carrying around a great big weight (entirely my own weight, by the way) and now that I've put it down (hopefully for the last time) I'm at a place where I can start to really move forward in that particular aspect of my life and do a much better job of looking forward instead of looking backwards, to the side, over my shoulder or on the internet.
And for what it's worth, a resentment isn't a necessarily hateful thing. (At least it wasn't in this case.) Oftentimes, it can be a collection of hurts that you haven't addresed, which was 99.9% of my list. And let me be really clear on this - the party that I was holding my "resentments" towards was in no way responsible for (or even aware of) their existance. That's usually the case, by the way. When we carry those things around, those resentments, those hurts - they only affect us, and nobody else.
However, once you take the first few steps....
....admit you're hurt and you can't fix it on your own
....decide you think God can fix it
....decide to let him
....then you can start to see how that pile of hurts you didn't know you had has been messing up your life for weeks, months, or in my case, over a year, and maybe more.
And it's weird how hurts can go retroactive on you, too. Upon digging a little - and being really, really honest - I discovered that things that had occured in 2005 were now really, really painful, mostly because the memory was just too much for me to think about anymore.
And don't get me wrong on this either - somethimes what was once a great and wonderful set of experiences and memories turns (unwillingly) into the most painful set of wounds of all after the relationship ends, and in the end, that's nobody's fault.
I've been here before several times, to be sure. There's an aspect of recovery that says that anytime an addict starts to turn away from his natural set of behaviors and begins to turn towards normalcy it feels odd to him (or her) because what's normal for everybody else is quite alien to an addict, and vice versa.
Even after being here several times before, in one capacity or another, it always feels strangely hollow once you've made the transition, like going from a noisy stadium to a silent room, or, as I've said before, dropping hundreds of pounds of chain you've been wearing for months and experiencing the lightness that follows letting them fall to the floor.
And, as always, it's your own chain. I don't think anybody put this on me. It's my own chain, one that I silently added one tiny link at a time. Apparently it matched my wardrobe, too, because I didn't really notice it, either. I fact, I was in denial about the fact that I was even carrying it until last week or so, when I was trying to swim in new waters and found out I couldn't get my head above the surface.
The first rule in water emergencies it this: don't panic. And I didn't. I thought I could tread water or something and eventually it'd "work itself out", but that didn't occur, and eventually I started to worry.
I've been through Pathways.
I've been through 12-step.
Why can't I get past this?
What's wrong with me?
Why am I experiencing this?
What am I doing wrong?
What's causing this?
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why one of the most important elements of both problems exists: you don't go through it alone.
My sponsor, my small group, my accountability brothers, my fiancee, my family & my friends can see things I can't. They can see the chains, when God's timing is right, He'll have them show you what you've been missing.
There's some irony to all of this. If you had told me I was carrying so many resentments against somebody I loved so dearly I'd have denied it. I mean, I loved this person like I've loved no other - why (and how) could I possibly be carrying anything negative whatsoever? But the truth is this:
We, as fallen human beings, do it to ourselves, without being aware of it. We do it unintentionally, unconsciously, and in most cases unwillingly - one tiny thing at a time. Those hurts start to add up, and eventually, they start hurting us, and they don't stop until you deal with them.
And sometimes (maybe always), that much hurt just blinds you to how much hurt you're really carrying.
Anyway, that's where I am today. Thank you God, for showing me that hurt, for helping me put it down, and for taking it away from me, so I can move forward into the life that You have for me and not be continued to be mired the life I tried to have for myself. Forgive me for the hurt that I've caused to others, Lord, and take their hurts away, too.
Sorry for being so long-winded. Thanks for reading, guys.
224
No comments:
Post a Comment