I'm not sure what to write about tonight, so I guess I'll just start.

We dropped off our daughter at her Mom's a few hours ago. It was the last day of end of her last week of summer visitation. I blew off church this morning to squeeze out a few more minutes with her; we'll watch it on the internet tomorrow. I had to be at work at 10:30 this morning and I brought her in with me for the first hour or so. I let her turn on all the projectors and fire up the lights and whatnot, and she played video games and had popcorn, Coke and Icee. We drove around in the Bronco all weekend, as Toni's ride is in the shop. I always feel a little sad when I drop her off, and I usually have the same set of regrets. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with her. I wish we had been able to do more fun stuff. I guess I always end up wishing I had more time with her, ya know? It's never enough; I suppose I think that if she still lived with me full-time then I'd have enough time with her, but maybe that wouldn't be true either. We still have a few warm days and nights left to get some of it done, I suppose. Tomorrow she starts the first day of third grade. Man - it goes by fast, doesn't it? I'll miss walking her into her classroom, but I know she'll be a pro. She always has been. I am going to call her tomorrow, though.

After dropping off the kiddo, we went to church and got clobbered at softball. I only missed one ground ball in left field and got one good base hit. We ate lasagna at Toni's mom's house afterwards, and I ate too much. I'm dong better diet-wise, though I had an awful charley horse in my left hamstring later on. Toni had to help, as I am a raging puss. I'm glad I'm married to her. I've often said that it's a good thing I have a paramedic (and a firefighter, to boot) near me at all times, as I'm prone to need her unexpectedly. I'm gonna have to eat some vitamins tonight.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have to bounce my eyes while we're at the softball games. I feel a little bit of shame about that; about the fact that while I'm sitting next to my wife I have to make a conscious effort not to let my eyes wander. I don't like that it happens to me at a church function. I don't like that it burns more images. I don't like it that I still want to look. I don't like that it hurts my wife, and I don't like having to confess it. But I don't like the consequences of trying to keep it a secret, either, so here it is.

Bad dream last night, but I can't remember all the specifics, other than I woke up feeling a lot of tension, angst, shame and sadness. As much as I hate to admit it, it effects my day until the memory of it fades off. It's been a long time since I felt that way, though.

Perhaps instead of actually writing about stuff like that, would we all be better served to examine why I feel compelled to do it in the first place? Still healing from an old wound? Closure, addiction or residual abandonment issue? That's about all of the introspection I feel like doing.

Now I'm gonna watch "Logan's Run". They filmed some of it at my old office building.

543, for Sunday.





Edit: "Logan's Run" sucks. I mean bad.