When I was n the police academy they taught us that dates are very important. For example, if somebody is murdered, the killer may be driven to visit the grave of their victim or the scene of the crime on the anniversary of the deed. Dates are powerful things, and some of 'em stick with us.
Birthdays - November 28. July 12. July 29. August 24. April 11. October 27.
Anniversaries - May 29. July 13. October 18.
Losses - December 26.
Memorable Occasions - July 5. September 26 (the day I was first worn in as a cop)
I've been having a rough few days. October 30th is such a date for me; this year I'm having kind of a problem adjusting or coping or whatever with it. I won't elaborate, but that's a date that sticks with me.
I've been trying to deny it and not let it get to me. I've tried to avoid it. I've tried not to let it drag me down, but it has been, and there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. I'm been carrying a lot of guilt and shame about it, too. It hurts me to talk to my wife about it, too, because I feel it a betrayal to her in a very real way, even though it's just thoughts and emotions now, with bits and pieces of memories mixed in, memories of how I felt at different times, feelings that I can still feel, feelings that cause my heart to clench and pound. Is it stress, inner conflict, or something else?
I've heard it said that the emotional part of your mind can't tell the difference between the past and the present, or what's real and what's not. That's why we cry at sad movies, even though a detached part of out brain knows that when the scene was over the Old Yeller sat back up and got a Milk Bone, or that Charlotte (the spider) was never real, or that ET was just a latex puppet. But we still cry anyway, because our heart thinks it's real, whether we want it to or not.
See, I think that our heart holds on to stuff a lot longer than our brains do. Hearts are harder to fool. Hearts are more powerful, too - perhaps that's why the Bible cautions us to beware the the heart is deceitful above all things. But when then heart has memories it likes, when it holds memories and emotions it longs to feel again, the brain can't always override it, even when all logic screams how much it needs to.
I don't know a way around that, a way to just shut off a part of your heart, regardless of whether it's right or not, even if you want to. It'll probably never cease to amaze me at how much your emotions can absolutely run counter to logic, ethics, your own moral code, your conscience, your sense of justice, truth, or religious beliefs. I don't know why God doesn't just take away some of the things we hold in our hearts; stuff that the logical parts of our minds tell us that we need to get rid of, and stuff that we try to unload as hard as we can, spending thousands of dollars on therapists to help us untangle and extract it from our minds, like weeds intertwining with the roots of our minds beneath the surfaces of our lives; to free us from those snarls of emotion that have fused so utterly and so completely into the very fabric of who we are - so much so that to remove them completely would destroy who we are, for you cannot remove apiece without affecting the whole. Things that lay dormant for weeks, months - and yet strike out of the cold gray sky without warning or regard for you at all. Why does God allow our minds and hearts to harbor secretly these things in places from which they cannot seem to be extracted?
And yet, on some level I don't always understand, there's a part of something, somewhere that can't or won't just let go.
That something doesn't want to forget, that something doesn't want to leave, that something doesn't want to be separated from the rest of our lives and forgotten; extracted through time and therapy and 12-step programs to let it finally die on its own - a cold, slow and isolated death. It somehow retains just enough of it to keep a presence so deep and yet delicate and fragile that we can't remove them without risking the demise of ourselves in a way. They distort the reality of what was, they prey on fantasies and longings we've tried to bury, ignore, forget, give away or let go of, and yet somehow, they keep coming back, year after year, and I wonder - how many years will it be?
And that's where I am tonight.
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7 comments:
Goodness, that was one deep post. No joking.
You said something really key (I thought)
"It somehow retains just enough of it to keep a presence so deep and yet delicate and fragile that we can't remove them without risking the demise of ourselves in a way. They distort the reality of what was, they prey on fantasies and longings we've tried to bury, ignore, forget, give away or let go of, and yet somehow, they keep coming back, year after year, and I wonder - how many years will it be?"
I hope the following will be of some encouragement. I cannott, however, answer your question of "how long". Anyway.
When I was in school, Prof Hendricks (he taught Bible Study Methods) said that we all have heart problems, heart disease. And man is he right. And he said that the Lord is the surgeon and the Word is the scalpel.
Hebrews 4 says this: " 12For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."
So, you have access to the surgeon and scalpel. But "how long" is most glaringly left out of that verse.
But it follows with this:
"13And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.
14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
15For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.
16Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
I wish I could tell you that it will get better soon but I can't. But we do have access to mercy and help while the Lord fixes what's broke.
I love you, big brother.
For what it's worth. In a very real way the brain is a computer. It records every second of our lives from the day we leave the comfort of our mother's womb until that last heart beat and our spirit somehow is gone, leaving the body that held us as prisoners in a hostile, cruel enemy territory where sin, in all it's many forms traps us like an animal caught in a bramble bush. The brain records the good, the bad the ugly, the sad, the painful, the happy, the beautiful, the joyful. It cannot be removed because each experience leaves an indelible mark. The brain is truly an amazing creation and is used most effectively by your enemy to keep you imprisoned because we ARE controlled by our brain. First a thought, then a feeling then an action. The action is most important. we cannot control a thought that pops into our brain nor the feeling that follows. But we absolutely CAN control how we respond to that thought and the feeling it produces. How a person responds is totally up to the individual themselves. For me when I feel myself being dragged down into the pit of anger, fear, guilt, despair, depression by a thought of something I did in my past or was done to me, I simply tell my brain "don't go there" because it only brings painfully memories. Then I simply choose to think about something good or repeat a favorite scripture over and over (if I am trying to go to sleep)
I have no idea what you experienced involved on this date, but I think it must have involved another person. If what you did was a sin, I hope you remember that that sin was wiped off your record the day Christ died and you received the gift of forgiveness and a new life the moment you excepted that gift for yourself.
How many years will it be? I think that is pretty much up to you. You cannot undo what is done, you can only control how you allow it to effects you today. (I hope you didn't commit a crime or kill somebody then that is another matter)
My words are just practical verbiage I have left the Theological aspect up to your brother who is far more knowledgeable in that area. But we are family and when you hurt we hurt also. God made us to be so.
As your family we all love you as much as humanly possible to love another.
(You really ought to write that book.)
For what it's worth, the date doesn't represent anything sinful in any way whatsoever. It was a really good day, a joyful day, full of a lot of hope and excitement - one of those days that you never forget.
So you're telling us you didn't kill anyone on this day. That's good. ;>)
So it is more a feeling of grief and regret over "what might have been"? triggered by this date on he calendar.
This is gonna hurt a little, but I just wonder how long the woman you asked to become your wife, can live with you AND this other person who still has such a grasp on your emotions.
Then again maybe she knows you so well and loves you so much that it doesn't bother her.
So it is more a feeling of grief and regret over "what might have been"? triggered by this date on he calendar.
This is gonna hurt a little, but I just wonder how long the woman you asked to become your wife, can live with you AND this other person who still has such a grasp on your emotions.
Then again maybe she knows you so well and loves you so much that it doesn't bother her.
It's something we both take one day at a time.
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