ending with a brief moment of higher culture

I've been thinking on this whole "putting the cop job on a pedestal" idea. I think I'm definitely doing that, and sort of making myself miserable in the process. I didn't know that I was doing that. I suppose it's another example of how you don't know what what you don't know. I don't think that I had realized how much I was clinging to that, and how much it was taking my focus off of the rest of my life.

I feel like I've lost focus of the things that are good in my life; my wife, my daughter, my friends, my health, (arguably) my cats, the vacation (Honeymoon Part I) we have coming up in a few weeks, you guys get the idea. Though my existing job doesn't pay well, I do have a job, and I'm grateful for it, and it's a darn sight better than not having any job at all. I sometimes forget it takes a while to work your way up to something more substantial, and I think I've only been there less than six months anyway.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make here was for the first time in a long time, (or maybe ever) that I realize (both on an intellectual and emotional level) that I don't have to have a cop job to be happy, and I'm OK with that for probably the first time since I was 23.

I couldn't really get past the fact that while I knew (intellectually) that the possibility existed for me to be happy without a cop job, I didn't know how to act on that knowledge. It also bothered me rather badly that I didn't have an answer for my initial question. I think that is, at heart, a control issue I still have that I need to continue to work on. I suppose, technically, I still don't have an answer to my question, but tonight I'm not sure how much I care about it anymore. I guess that could be an answer in itself - the fact that the question no longer means enough to bother you. I've had a lot of questions like that in my day, man. Sometimes they go away, I guess, at least for a while.

Anyway, while I was driving to work I got to thinking how this may have been one of those life obstacles you don't know is an obstacle until it gets to the point you can't see anything else. It ties into my attitude of "what has God done for me lately?" I know I'm very guilty of forgetting, man. I know I'm still very guilty of wanting what I want when I want it, and screw waiting, even if God won't (or, most likely - can't) give it to me until I figure something out that's the key element of receiving the joy from that thing, which may indeed be the ability to be joyful without that thing.

Realizing, mostly from people who A) can see it and B) love me and C) have earned the right to speak that kind of truth to me, that I have gotten my priorities out of whack has already proved very helpful, man. I feel a lot less stressed, I feel like I an think more clearly, and I feel like I have a renewed picture of God again, thanks largely to learning (or re-learning) that He continues to work in my life even when I feel like I'm struggling, failing, or just not a part of His picture. I think He continues to use my shortcomings and character defects to bring me back to Him, and to teach me that He's still not really mad at me after all, even when I'm being testy, which is most of the time lately.

Anyway, that's the end of the part where I talk about me. The rest of it for my brother; it's a father & son euphonium duet, from George Bizet's opera "The Pearl Fishermen".

A little background on this piece, before we begin this one, if you don't mind...

On the coast of Ceylon, a newly elected leader of the little world of fishermen, has scarcely been inaugurated when a long-lost friend of his youth, appears. After greeting one another with affection, they recall the time when they were foolish enough to quarrel over a beautiful priestess in the temple of Brahma. In the duet, "Au fond du temple saint" the two men sing rapturously about falling in love at first sight with a beautiful woman as she was revealed to them for an instant in the dim, incense-clouded temple. For each it was an almost mystical experience. When they realize they were in love with the same woman, they are alarmed. Believing themselves cured of the old infatuation, they swear eternal friendship.

And now, the words......

It was in the evening, in the air cooled by a breeze. The brahmans, with faces flooded with light, slowly called the crowd to prayer. At the back of the holy temple, decorated with flowers and gold, a woman appears - I can still see her!

The prostrate crowd looks at her amazed and murmurs under its breath: look, this is the goddess looming up in the shadow and holding out her arms to us.

Her veil parts slightly. What a vision! What a dream! The crowd is kneeling.

Yes, it is she! It is the goddess, more charming and more beautiful.
Yes, it is she! It is the goddess who has come down among us.
Her veil has parted and the crowd is kneeling.

But through the crowd she makes her way; already her long veil hides her face from us.

My eyes, alas, seek her in vain!
She flees, but what is this strange flame which is suddenly kindled in my soul! What unknown fire is destroying me? Your hand pushes mine away! Love takes our hearts by storm and turns us into enemies!

No, let nothing part us! No, nothing! Let us swear to remain friends! Oh yes, let us swear to remain friends!

Yes, it is her, the goddess, who comes to unite us this day. And, faithful to my promise, I wish to cherish you like a brother! It is her, the goddess, who comes to unite us this day! Yes, let us share the same fate, let us be united until death!

And now, listen, if you'd like.



Anyway, that's it for tonight. I wanted to get my head clear of all of this, so I can sleep, which I need because We're taking the kiddo to DFW Airport to welcome the troops home. It'll be fun, and I want our daughter to experience that. I think it's important to remember, ya know?

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