Well, I know after yesterday's explosion, the next logical thing to so is observe the wreckage, see what, if anything is worth salvaging, and try to reorganize, rebuilt and restart. Truth be told, I don't really feel like it tonight.
I don't particularly feel like wallowing in my own fury anymore. I think now all I want to do is just sit quietly and smoke my pipe and think about what I'm going to do next.
Truth be told, I think I've been at this place before. I no longer have a plan at all. There's no real point in pretending I do, I guess. I suppose I should admit that, and again accept the fact that I have no real control over any of this stuff. I guess I can try to get a cop job, but I don't know how to approach it anymore. I feel like I can either and go in, be 100% honest and (based on an extensive history of repeated, nearly identical results) get cut right of the bat, or I can try to squirm my way through it, withhold all the information I don't want them to ask about (until I get hooked to the polygraph) and see if I can squeak through, though in my mind that's lying by omission, and if I have to lie to get a job I don't think God will be too pleased with that. I know I wouldn't be too pleased with myself anymore, either. While I get and believe that stuff about positive thinking and our belief system having a tangible effect on your outcomes, I don't know how thinking positive thoughts can affect the outcome in this instance, as hard facts, legal precedent for hiring standards and an unchangeable past are stubborn things.
I guess I can admit the odds are against me on getting a cop job. I'm having a really hard time letting it go, though. In my mind, I can still do the job. In my mind, I'd be good at it. In my mind, I'm a pretty good candidate. I'm fairly smart, able to perform the duties, I do the right thing as best I can, I'm able to keep calm under stressful situations, I consider the consequences of my actions and I think before I act. The problem is that in a few important regards I've not shown always propensity to conducting my own behavior in accordance with the community's public standards of morality, as theoretical or un-adhered-to as they may be by the general populace. And I get that officers need to be held to standards above reproach - I really do. I wish, though, that I could get a chance to prove I could do the job though - just once.
I guess the real question is this: what do I do now?
The easy answer, of course, is to let go, let God and delight in the awesome stream of life He's going to set me in, to direct my path and bestow His blessings upon Him so that He may be glorified.
Unfortunately, I'm just not that holy, man, not tonight.
Don't get me wrong - intellectually, I get it, I really do. But emotionally, I'm having a hard time making it fit in accordance with my own image of what and who I am, as flawed and human as that is. Oh - and I still think, in my own little fantasy world, that somebody might actually hire me. Odds are until I either get hired or get shot down by every PD in the continental US I'm gonna cling to that. Odds are, that's part of my problem, or maybe that's the problem - I still want what I want.
See - I have a bit of a crisis here. Do I believe that God can get me a job as a cop? Sure. Do I think He will? No, I don't. Does that mean I don't have enough faith, or would I just be accepting reality?
Are we not taught that our faith is generally too small, and that God is capable of greater things that we could possibly imagine? Isn't that what we learn about God? Am I giving up on God, turning my back on my faith in His ability to bless me with that job, or am I just accepting that the natural consequences of my actions will prevent my getting hired? Or do I choose to believe that God can overcome those seemingly insurmountable obstacles and press forward with what my hearts desire has been since I was a child?
Oooooo....no easy answer to that one, is there? And now you understand where I'm at most days.
(Feel free to chime on that if you might have an answer, no matter who you are. I promise I'll listen.)
That's enough for now. I think I'm pretty much stuck until I get an answer, at least for a while.
Odds are I'd be more wiling to dislodge and try to float down life's stream if I had an answer, even if the answer is there's no answer. But either way, I have to believe it, and I have to know that I know that I know, and have the kind of peace that only God can give. And right now, I just don't have that.
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19 comments:
For what it's worth, you are asking a question that a whole heck of a lot of people have asked for a very long time. A good friend recently asked me the same exact question, though not about being a cop.
The answers are not so much in the questions , but in knowing your God. Does our faith "in an outcome" move God to provide that outcome? I think the faith that reassures is the faith that my God loves me and is already providing his perfect will in my life. The bummer in living that is that we are more like the 5 year old that asks his dad for a .22 rifle and dad knowing his son gives him a cork-gun. We always have the ability to know what we want, we all fall short of knowing what we need. I wish I could tell you more years will solve that one. With more years you will know the "needs" you had were not what you thought they would be. old coddger Mike McM
He touched their eyes and said, "What you have believed will be done for you!" -- Matthew 9:29
He told them, "Because you have so little faith <belief>. I can guarantee this truth: If your faith <belief> is the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." -- Matthew 17:20
Jesus said to him, "As far as possibilities go, everything is possible for the person who believes." -- Mark 9:23
I can guarantee this truth: This is what will be done for someone who doesn't doubt but believes what he says will happen: He can say to this mountain, 'Be uprooted and thrown into the sea,' and it will be done for him. -- Mark 11:23
Therefore, I say to you, ANYTHING you pray for and ask, BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL RECEIVE IT, and it WILL be done for you. Mark 11:24
As I mentioned in the other post, physicists are begrudgingly starting to acknowledge that our minds are somehow connected to reality (and it is, frankly, freaking some of them out). God knew what he was talking about in the above scripture. Imagine that.
You said: Do I believe that God can get me a job as a cop? Sure. Do I think He will? No, I don't. Does that mean I don't have enough faith, or would I just be accepting reality?
No, it only means you have faith but you don't really believe, and so therefore, God’s Quantum Field is “manifesting” your true belief, which is that you will never get hired as a cop again - because THAT is your true, core, belief.
Yes, I know it is damn hard to change your beliefs, and I also think what someone believes is often quite a bit different from what they profess their FAITH to be.
Steve brings in a very comon answer to the faith and belief issue. Taken to the extreme and you are with the name it and claim it bunch. He quotes scripture and I know scripture is true, but how we understand what is being said effects how we apply the scripture. The question is faith in "what" and beleif in "what"?
My answer is faith in an all powerful, all knowing ,and all loving God. Beleif that my God will provide according to His will what is best to accomplish His Will. When my will is the same as His will whatever I say will be done. I thank God that He did not give me every thing I beleived for. He has, and He will, act according to His perfect will (and He has included us in His will). "Faith" in our being able to produce an outcome, and "beleif" in that outcome, is not what the scripture is talking about.
I know this doesn't apply to what Ian was disussing, but you folks are some of the most arrogant and condescending in your beliefs that I've ever come across. The only all-knowing one is God and you tread on dangerous ground when you put yourself into that position by bashing others beliefs in favor of your own - Mike. Who are you to say what God's word means to others? How God speaks to others? YOU ARE NOT GOD. YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING. AND it's people like you that put a bad taste of God and christianity in mouths. I'm reminded of a joke Ian used to say... you can tell a ___ grad when you see them, but you can't tell them much. That applies to more than just ___ grads.
I don't have any answers and God did not tell us He would answer our questions (although some times He might) He did leave us a road map, problem is most of US do not bother to look at it and maybe that is why we get lost so often and fall off so many cliffs.
And you did fall off a cliff. I know it must seem like every attempt you have made to climb back to the top have been met with a ton of rocks falling on you and knocking you back down to the bottom. Rocks being relationships with women that did not go the way you wanted, Loss of you home, loss of your car, staggering financial debt, crappy jobs or no jobs, disappointment with Scott-co. (did I miss anything?) Maybe you just need to get out of the way of the falling rocks, let them fall to the bottom and leave them there. Chart another route.( I just have to ask though, is this ex. person really worth the pain and anguish you have felt, continue to feel by going back in your mind asking what if, if only...if only? Maybe I should have asked is it worth the pain it causes your wife?) I don't think so.
I wish I could somehow change the way you feel about your life right now. I wish I could give you that job your heart so desires. I know however that even if you get a job with a police dept. you might feel less depressed, less hopeless but it wont last, it wont make you happy because a "job" is not your problem. Yes I also know the job you have now does not challenge you because you ARE a very intelligent man and yes the pay is meager. Even though right now I do not think you are on speaking terms with God, I do believe He has you where you are for a reason. You may or may not ever know what the reason is. He never told us part of His job description was to give out information concerning what He wants to do. He does not give up on any of us though.
If you truly want to be a cop, then give it all you've got. At least you will know you did everything you could to make it happen. Somethings in our past are best left there in our past. What you did when you were 20 does not determine the kind of person you are today. Demonic activity will try to convince you differently. If you have placed you faith in Jesus Christ as your Lord, your sins are gone. Doesn't mean we do not suffer from bad choices. We cannot change the past but we sure change how we live today. And really today is all we got.
Oh, by the way the more I get to know Toni, the more I love who she is. A valuable gem. Gems of true value are not that easy to find anymore.
For what it's worth.....
Dear Anonymous - I assume the "you folks" does not apply to me? Your rebuke seemed a mite harsh.
The joke that goes, "You can tell a seminary grad when you see one, but you can't tell him much." is funny because it is often true. And that's a sad thing.
I'm a seminary grad and you can tell me just about anything and I'll listen, though I am not obligated to agree.
It's my opinion that the disobedience of Christians to the Lord gives people a bad taste in their mouth about Christians. We don't love one another well. We don't love other people well. We don't pursue lives of purity and holiness. That's an intentionally broad-stroked statement and at times includes me, Ian, and everyone whose ever graduated from Seminary.
Aside from all the other things, we don't trust God because we don't love Him. We don't love Him because we don't know who He is. We don't know who He is because we make little or no effort to get to know Him by reading the Bible, praying, serving people and being involved in His work in the church and the rest of the world.
We expect to get answers from a God we do not know. God does not need to get to know me any better. That would be impossible. All the responsibility for that lies with me.
When Job asked God to basically explain Himself, God answered Job by asking him where he was when God created everything. He put Job in his place because he wanted him to understand that simply because God is able to explain everything to Job doesn't mean Job will understand.
I can't explain everything to Ian (or anybody else). God can. But He is not obligated to and even if He did, we would not understand. I can explain the Krebs Cycle or Jungian Psychology to my 2 year old but she will not understand until she's more mature. I think there are things for which we will never be mature enough to understand.
The things I can understand (that God loves me, He is good and does good, I can trust Him, I can know Him, He is enough for me, He can heal, He loves all of humanity, and so many other things) I know because God taught me through His word.
We have ignored the Bible because we think it means something different to every different person and in doing so we have neutered it and aborted God's power before we even know what we are doing. God's word has one correct interpretation. But the applications are limitless. We want to badly to be right in our interpretation that we end up squeezing God into our little doctrinal boxes. When we do that, we miss out on the greatness of who He is and what He wants to do in our lives.
God has done so very much for Ian that I can hardly believe it. The Lord loves Ian and as long as Ian seeks Him, he'll be ok.
Sorry for the ramble.
Thank you all of you for your comments. I'm glad all of you guys (and gals) are reading.
Feel free to continue :-)
I wish I could somehow change the way you feel about your life right now. I wish I could give you that job your heart so desires. I know however that even if you get a job with a police dept. you might feel less depressed, less hopeless but it wont last, it wont make you happy because a "job" is not your problem.
Back to the topic at hand, these are wisest words in this post.
Man...great advice from mike and grammy and steven and bc! Wow!
(I'm Brandon's wife)
The only thing that I would add is that God can give you a job as a cop. Moving forward with that is the best option.
The idea that God will or won't do it is not a good starting place for ANY decision. We don't know what God will or won't do, except what is promised. From what you (Ian) have said, you have received no promise from God that he will provide a cop job.
That also means, that if you move forward as though He won't do it, that is equally as foolish and will lead to dissapointment. It doesn't say that we are delight ourselves in what the Lord will do and we get the desires of our hearts, it says that we delight ourselves in HIM. In Him, when we seek to know Him, when we literally delight ourselves in His presence and seek Him above all else, then we will see those desires met. (not sure if we get what we orignally wanted, or if we just want what God wills, or what)
My main thought here is that we move forward in our lives, doing our best at what we can do , and seeking to know God in a personal and real and effective way, knowing that God can and will do the absolute best for us. (That may mean living in poverty, i.e. Mother Teresa!)
I have a few quick responses:
#1) Thanks again to everybody that responded.
#2) I do think your attitude and core beliefs vastly affect the outcomes of situations where it's possible, including subconciously undermining your own efforts, which I know I've done in the past.
#3) I didn't bring up the ex at all on this thread, and where this is concerned she's a non-issue. You guys can leave her out of this, as we're not talking about her.
#4) My happiness isn't contingent on my getting a cop job. I've been happy before without one, and I'll be happy again, no matter what happens. The cop job is just the best picture of what I'm going through. I often feel like my life is a much large picture of that particular illustration.
#5) Mom said: it wont make you happy because a "job" is not your problem
I agree. My immediate problem is that I don't have enough money to pay my bills, I've lost nearly my material assets, I have a wife and daughter I have a God-given duty to financially support, and it's impossible for me to get back to where I was at the job I have now. That's my main problem. There's a larger spiritual issue going on on top of that that's exacerbated by my circumstances.
I'd sure like to get both of those things resolved, man.
#6) Jenny said: That may mean living in poverty, i.e. Mother Teresa!
No - that's not acceptable. I do not want to live in poverty, not so much for me, but for my wife and kid. They deserve better, man, and I'll fight like hell to keep that from happening.
And Mother Tersa didn't drag her wife and kid (or leave behind a kid) to go to Calcutta.
Please be careful playing the "God might you to live in poverty" card. It's a volatile card to play.
I'm glad you recognize that it isn't your problem. What probably makes the rest of us think that is you do seem so focused on it. Or at least focused on the loss of it.
You're right - God obviously has it in His power to give you that job. But it has been my experience that He doesn't just give stuff to you because you want it. Sometimes He doesn't because it isn't good for you for whatever reason we don't understand yet. We can know that last bit because He really does want you to be the best you can be - and wants you to have real joy.
That's what my heart wants to say. My brain however (ever the pragmatist) says sometimes He closes doors. And sometimes you close doors yourself. Doors that probably won't open again. Doors that would have lead to a very different life.
That said, yes, I think you would have been / were a good cop. There's no doubt about it. But if that's seemingly off the table for a myriad of reasons... I'd find something new that you can pour your mind and skills (which you have many) into. And hey, who knows what'll happen down the road.
two other minor points. one: I think you've put being a cop on a pedestal and I don't think it belongs there. and two: it sucks like a hoover being married to a cop. *q:
Speaking of money issues, didja follow the lead yet? *(: I'm tellin' ya, the pay is great, there are tons of hours to work, the schedule is flexibleish, and Timmah says the people are good..
I am late getting here, as usual- the 12 hour summer days make it hard to spend too much time inside- but here's what I think.
I do not believe that God gives us the desires of our hearts- unless they fit with where he wants us at the time. I do believe He puts us in position to glorify Him; be a witness, a good example etc. I know, when I lived in Tx and was a riding coach, that I got the chance to mentor and be an example to a lot of young girls- girls that confided in me when they wouldn't talk to their mothers. Did they get better advice from me? I don't know, but I know they got Biblical advice as best I could give it.
I think there are a few things contributing to the lack of a better paying job right now, the economy being one. But I am inclined to agree with Brian, that you have that job put on a pedestal.
I sometimes wonder, in reading your thoughts, if the bottom line lesson is that God wants you to learn to be happy in all circumstances (the current one included). I believe that sometimes (and I have this struggle too) that we often only look at the glass as half-empty instead of half-full.
I am learning, with the help of Zach, to not fret about things that I cannot control. I just ask myself, is this going to get better if I worry about it, fret about it or otherwise spend time on it? I've found that I have a lot less knots in my back and that I am generally able to go on with my day, looking for the positive things. Or if I can affect the outcome, I do something to change it instead of just worrying about it!
I believe you have lots of positive in your life. Toni loves you; your daughter loves you. You do have a job- whether it pays good or not. You're smart. You've overcome and continue to overcome addiction. I really think you should write a book about it as that would probably help a lot of other people. And really what this life and this world is about is helping others.
I think you've put being a cop on a pedestal and I don't think it belongs there.
Hmmmmmm.....I need to put some serious thought into that, man. I never thought of it that way.
by Jenny:
You said: "#6) Jenny said: That may mean living in poverty, i.e. Mother Teresa!
No - that's not acceptable. I do not want to live in poverty, not so much for me, but for my wife and kid. They deserve better, man, and I'll fight like hell to keep that from happening.
And Mother Tersa didn't drag her wife and kid (or leave behind a kid) to go to Calcutta.
Please be careful playing the "God might you to live in poverty" card. It's a volatile card to play."
First of all, the Mother Teresa comment was a hyperbole expressing the idea of moving forward in faith and trusting the Lord to give us His best.
Secondly, Mother Teresa didn't drag a wife and kid to Calcutta, but plenty of other people have. Plenty of Godly, amazing, successful (albeit not monetarily) people who have more treasure in Heaven than you or I will ever fathom.
Thirdly, I wasn't playing the "God might want you to be poor" card, and if that is all you got out of what I wrote, then I am saddened.
I don't pretend to know what kind of financial situation you are in. I don't want to really understand, honestly, b/c I enjoy financial freedom too much. But Ian, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with being poor. With doing with A LOT less. With not having cable, not eating out, not driving nice cars, not driving a car at all, wearing good will clothes, not having a cell phone, etc. PLEASE don't assume that I am suggesting that you should live that way. I don't live that way! But maybe we all should just be satisfied with less, and be a hell of a whole lot happier.
And that's all I'm going to say about that.
But maybe we all should just be satisfied with less, and be a hell of a whole lot happier.
Agreed, 100%
I don't want to be rich - all I want is to get someplace to live on our own again. And an M4.
Not having cable? Now that there is just plain crazy talk. You can't get Fox News without cable!!?
:-)
I do want to clarify something here. I am NOT some New Age wacko talking about "The Universe" instead of "God". However, I do, seriously, think that the Quantum Field explains a GREAT DEAL about how God and the universe he built works - and it really sheds a whole new light (pardon the pun) on verses from the Bible when viewed from the perspective of what they've uncovered about this field. (For example, it explains the mechanism behind what makes "mass prayer" work).
And this in no way diminishes God - in fact, it further highlights how incredible and elegant the world he created really is down at the very "fabric of space time" level.
Sad thing for me is that physicists have known about this Field for decades but the information is only now starting to reach "the main stream".
Fundamentally, if you dwell on negatives, you will continue to experience more and more negatives. Focus on the positives (like you keep mentioning - wife, daughter, family) and you will experience more positives (LIKE KILLING NAZI ZOMBIES -hint, hint). Hard to swallow, but research seems to show this to be the way the world really actually works.
Which is really hard for me, a natural born pessimist. :-)
Another interesting point about this is that I also think God does not "grant every wish" because he DOES have a plan and a need for everyone to experience certain things and take certain paths through life. Some have speculated what the ultimate goal of THAT is, but I won't go into that here. Just keep in mind that there may be a reason you have the experiences you have. God needs you (for some reason that is important to Him) to have those exact experiences.
Best you can do is try to enjoy the ride and one day you'll get to ask him "What the heck was THAT all about", and he'll show you, and you'll respond: "oh. ok."
Now, if I could only live by my own advice, things would be great. :-)
Thanks for the clarification, Steven. We were worried you were getting into Tarot cards and crystals. :-)
We have cable, by the way. It's the only method for receiving TV but we don't get FoxNews...just CNN Intl. Which you would love.
When you say God needs I assume what you mean is that God really wants Ian to do such and such, not that something is necessary for God.
Here's one of my favorite quotes from Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer. It's kind of long, sorry. I just love it.
"God has a voluntary relation to everything He has made. To God alone, nothing is necessary. The picture of a nervous, ingratiating God fawning over men to win their favor is not a pleasant one, yet if we look at the popular conception of God that is precisely what we see. Twentieth century Christianity has put God on charity. So lofty is our opinion of ourselves that we find it quite easy, not to say enjoyable, to believe that we are necessary to God. But the truth is that God is not greater for our being, nor would He be less if we did not exist. Probably the hardest thought of all for our natural egotism to entertain is the God does not need our help."
I just love that. Sorry for the rant!
What I mean is that God has a PLAN, and for that plan to play out, he needs certain things to happen - or more specifically, he "needs" people to experience the experiences they each independently have (i.e. he establishes or "sets them up"). There is a purpose behind this "need", but if I tried to explain it here in this limited space, you'd really think I had gone off the deep end. :-) Suffice it to say that it is the only explanation of "why are we here?" that I have ever come across that actually makes at least a modicum of sense.
Very Basically, the theory goes: God created the universe for a specific reason - and all our lives (the sum of all our experiences while here in this physical reality) are an integral part of that reason.
To get a little "science fictiony" on you, think about it this way - you are where and who you are in life today because of the series of experiences and subsequent choices you've made throughout your life. Would you really want to "go back" and change any of them? Think hard before you answer because changing even the most seemingly insignificant thing results in an exponentially diverging "time line" going forward from that point and things could be different (or never happen) that you never intended to change, like the birth of a child, for example.
Does this point toward "predestination"? Maybe. I'm not sure. I've always said that if God "knows the future", then the future HAS to be "predestined" or "unchangeable".
Does that mean Ian was predestined to be unable to get a job as a cop and so therefor there was nothing he could have done or can do to change that? I don't know. I know I am certainly in a position in life today that I would have NEVER even dreamed possible 25 years ago. Am I here because of "my works" alone, or because this is where God wants me to be?
The last message I got from God was: "Ian is scared, like a frightened little girl, of Nazi Zombies" - so who knows? :-)
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