I sure miss playing my horn. I think I'm gonna start waking up earlier so I can play. I'm also going to start keeping a whiteboard next to my bed, and I'm going to write all the reasons I need to get up and out of bed because I never remember everything I need to do that day until I've been awake for quite some time, and sometimes it'll be too late to start it before I have to go do something else.
We're in the beginning stages of (again) the largest project we, as a company, have ever bid on. We'll see how it goes. After getting the contract, if God wants us to have it, will be the 5-6 week leave of absence I'm going to need from the theater, but one thing at a time, huh?
OK - so let's get into what's been bothering me this week, as much as I can without speaking out of turn. The short version is this: I still have some sort of emotional attachment I am having a devil of a time shaking; its come back every once in a while and causes me some problems I don't want. I'm having a bad time separating the intellectual aspects of it from the emotional aspects of it, and it's proven difficult to handle as of late. It's been a problem before that's led to all kinds of hurt and turmoil in the past, and I'm still struggling with it on occasion. We're going to go see our therapist next week so we can work through it and get past it and put it behind us and move on.
Personally, I think it's something pretty deep inside that I'm either unaware of, haven't dealt with yet, or let slide in some way. A close friend of mine called me out and said that I'm not being 100% committed to Toni, and it's that 1% that I have to deal with. There's no backup, no plan B, no wondering, no "what if". There's no memory, no holding on, no unbroken bonds, no ties left uncut, no strings left attached. I can beat this, right? It's only 1%, but oh man - has it proven to be a tough 1%. A cunning, baffling, powerful 1%.
I can't be alone in this, right? Surely everybody struggles with this to some extent, right? It's not just me, right? Am I just more open about it, more transparent, more real? I mean, let's face it - nobody likes to talk about this stuff, much less publicly, much less so well documented. And this isn't anything my wife doesn't know. We don't have any secrets from each other, plus I tend to spill my guts out here, too. To my way of thinking, you're only as sick as your secrets, and if you don't have any secrets they can't hold you hostage and isolate you on any level from your loved ones. I've held on to way too many secrets in my day and I don't have it in me to hold on to any more, so here we are. It's not too pretty, but it's real and I don't have it in me to hide anything anymore, either from my wife or you guys or anybody else.
Anyway, that's where I am today. I pretty much wish I was someplace else today, but I'm not, and that there's what it is.
And if you guys want to see a video of Mstislav Rostropovich playing the Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 in G major, BWV 1007 filmed at the Basilique Sainte Madeleine, Vézelay, Yvonne, France in 1991, you can click HERE. It's pretty great.
Day 447.
I somehow accidentally skipped ahead 40 days, but I caught myself. No idea why - it must be my obsession with the number 481.
No comments:
Post a Comment