On Being Interrupted

I don't like it. I mean, I really don't like it. I don't mind being verbally interrupted so much - that's OK. I know I do it, and I generally don't mind it so much when it's done to me. It's interrupting my plan that I can't handle too well. How about an example, since it's my blog?

Tonight I'm getting out of the shower and my wife asks me if I can take two empty cups back into the kitchen. All I think of is getting dry, so I immediately blurt out "no". Not because I don't want to do it, but because it interrupts my plan.

This extends to pretty much everything. If I have a notion of how I want an evening to go, I can't deviate from that plan without it really letting it affect me badly. For instance, several weeks ago we were out someplace doing something pretty trivial, and my bride suggested that we go walk in the mall for a bit.

That wasn't in the plan.

Needless to say, I balked rather badly. I had no real reason. There was absolutely no reason that we couldn't have done it, other than it wasn't what I had in mind, and it would have messed up the plan.

A spontaneous day trip, just packing into the car and driving until we hit someplace cool? That's terrifying to me. I thin I've done that precisely twice in my lifetime. I don't feel like I can take a vacation unless I have some kind of plan, even if it's just a destination.

I even have trouble answering a simple question, like "What are we doing this weekend?" I always say I haven't planned that far ahead yet. Generally I really haven't, but the idea of doing something that somebody else suggests feels strange and alien to me, even if there's no good reason for feeling that way at all. Somehow, if I didn't plan it, it must be fraught with peril or irresponsible or something asinine like that. Hell - my wife practically had to guilt me into taking her to "Taste of Addison" this weekend, and I wanted to go to that. It took her looking me in the eye and telling make "I want to go to Taste of Addison" to get me to commit to taking her, even thought I have absolutely no reason we shouldn't go. It's not expensive. It's not dangerous. Why shouldn't we go?

Because I didn't think of it? Is that it? I don't have the answer to that one. Fear, maybe? If so, of what?

I still suffer from that "I could never do that" playing in the back of my head. It's like somehow I feel like I'm supposed to sit on the sidelines and just enjoy watching other people go do fun and exciting things; that's been source of tension in most of my relationships as well, too.

I think it's because I think something will go wrong and I'll fail somehow, or be the one that gets blamed, at least, like I should have known better than to do something so foolish. From what I understand, it's a predominant trait of codependent people - the inability to be spontaneous. I have a hard time doing it, and it's caused me some problems, too. I've been accused of having a stick up my ass so many times it's just ridiculous. It takes me forever to unwind most of the time as well, but that's probably a whole different issue. Maybe I'll tackle that one tomorrow.

Anyway, that's almost it for tonight. I have two more things:

#1) If you guys could please pray for Toni on Thursday we'd sure appreciate it. I can't say any more than that, but I'll get back to you guys on it if and when I can. Thanks, all - it means a lot to us.

And now, for a wild subject change....

#2) There are a LOT of ads to make your weenie bigger on TV, especially late at night. Pills. Drinks. Lotions. Vacuum pumps. I don't know what to say about this, really. I mean, every guy (admit it) I think would like to have a bigger weenie. I'll own it - I've thought that. But is every American male so obsessed with it that they're going to spend his hard (pardon the pun) earned money on something that promises to do that? Apparently so. And apparently it's a short-term "fix", too, because once you stop taking it, you go back to your "normal" size. I saw it on the commercial. Just saying....

I think it's weird, but I get it. Maybe all the men have looked at so much porn they think they have to look like that. Why not? It's certainly screwed up real-life sex for a lot of men, hasn't it? I mean, porn tells us what it's supposed to look like and sound like, right? Why wouldn't we get the same message about how big our weenies are supposed to be, too?

I have no idea how to wrap this up gracefully.

I wish my Mom wouldn't read this every once in a while.

439