Untitled: Re-posted 02:22 AM, May 5, 2009.

Fully known, fully loved, right? Life isn't always pretty.

Tonight is one of those night when I just feel sad. I miss my dad and mom. I miss my brother. I wish the only job I was ever really good at wasn't being a bouncer. To me it means I'm good at hurting people. It's not even something I can even make a living at.

I feel like I don't deserve a daughter as wonderful as mine, nor a wife that's everything I could ask for. I still feel pretty alone tonight - I feel like I'm responsible for two lives that are looking to me for the answers; for protection and provision and guidance and leadership, and tonight I feel like I don't have anything to offer them.

Maybe I'm just tired. I feel like somehow my lost in life was missed, either in one extreme or another; I feel like I either missed out on success or on a life of being lonely, going home every night to my cat. I don't know how to handle most of these thoughts - I really don't. I know when I'm upset I type. I don't want to go to bed; I don't want to let Toni down anymore tonight. I don't want to keep her up snoring. I don't want to put on the fake happy smile for my daughter tomorrow morning, which I know I'm going to have to do. I don't know how I'm going to handle going to church tomorrow; I don't want to break down & cry up there again. I don't want to explain to my daughter why her daddy is crying; I just barely held it together today.

Odds are I'm going to have to get a third job to compensate for all the money I'm going to lose due to my wages getting garnished, and then they'll take those wages, too. I'm already tired- I really don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to be a bouncer anymore. I know my luck is going to run out in a big way eventually; I'm either going to get badly hurt or I'm going to hurt somebody else badly; both are pretty terrible. I've been lucky so far - I've only had two guys go unconscious on me and I've only had my glasses smashed, several bad bruises and a few good cuts. But let's face it - I'm staring at 37; I'd be fighting guys half my age and in a lot better shape, and you can't always talk everybody down. I guess the part of me that loves to fight so much doesn't know what to do anymore.

I don't even have the addiction to take to edge off anymore, or to give me that escape. At least it was good for that.

I feel like I'm running out of stuff to go wrong. I feel like I've lost a lot - my house, my car, my stupid credit score, my money, my first wife, time with my daughter, loves I've had that are gone but still have that memory of hurt. I feel like a failure a lot of times, living in my parent's house making $8.50 an hour as an assistant manager at a dollar movies. At 36, it takes a lot out of you to know that you're in the exact same goddamn spot you were in at 19.

I know counting my blessings is a good fix for this, but you can only count them so many times before they start sounding hollow, or you just start waiting for them to be taken away from you, too. I have to tell you, if I lost my wife or my daughter...it wouldn't surprise me anymore. Some days I feel like God is just going to take the things away from me one by one until there's nothing left for him to take, and then I'm going to go. Do any of you folks ever feel like that? Tired of wondering what God's plan is, tired of trying to figure it out, tired of caring about His plan, tired of everything going wrong, just waiting for the next bad thing to happen? 'Cause that where I am today, man. Tonight I'm just waiting to lose my daughter of my wife, for no other reason than it sure would seem to follow the goddamn pattern.

I don't want to get up tomorrow; I'm afraid it's going to be a day of me barely holding it together for my kid, and have my ex-wife take her away where I won't see her until next week sometime, and then only for about four hours if I'm lucky. Then going to a job where I'll earn the equivalent of $2 and hour after my wages get garnished.

And keep your calls, e-mails and comments to yourself, OK? I don't want to hear any of it for a while. I don't want to hear about God's plan, or His will, or whatever He has in store for me, because tonight I just don't believe it. I don't even want to pray, 'cause I don't think He's listening to me anymore. He might later, but not tonight, I don't think. I just want Him to listen to my daughter and my wife. Tonight I don't want to think about anything else, least of all tomorrow.

I don't know how to end this so I'm just going to quit writing. And I don't have a cat for you.