I'm 36 and I'm making $8.50 an hour, I haven't made that little working full-time since I was 22. It's not even close to the "living wage" I need to be making to meet my financial goals and obligations, especially when 75% of it is being garnished by the AG's office. Tonight it bothers me some.

I know I should be grateful to have a job at all. I know there are a lot of people who have no job at all and who would be grateful for the job I *do* have. Tonight I've been wondering why God has me where He has me, and what I should be learning and/or doing. The only thing that's keeping me from being really frustrated is that somehow He's working some kind of plan that I don't understand; and evidently that has me doing the job of a high school graduate that's still too young to legally drink. It's hard on my ego and my pride. I feel like I'm too (fill in the blank here) to be doing this job. How much of that is egocentricity and how much of it is recognizing that maybe I ought to be doing something else more closely matched to my experience and skill set?

I need to be clear on something else, too. I'm not in love with another woman or thinking about leaving my wife (as if) or having serious marriage troubles or anything, so you guys can get that out of your head, if that's where you were. The problem I've been tiptoeing around here is this: Truth be told, I still have a soft spot for one of my ex's and that bothers me. I've (finally?) gotten real with myself and stepped out of denial about it, but I think I may have over-though and over-analyzed this. I think I've made a bigger deal out of this than I needed to. I mean, do I just acknowledge and accept that that's how I feel, adjust my behavior accordingly and move on? Is it normal to have soft spots for your ex's, realize that either there's nothing you can (or should) do about it and go about your day?

And knowing I have a soft spot for an ex bothers me in and of itself, I mean, I'm married. You're supposed to not have any feelings for anybody you used to date or were in a committed relationship with, right? You're supposed to only think about your wife, not have anything remind you of anybody else ever, and forget every moment you lived, every moment you had, every memory you created and essentially wipe out the days, weeks, months and years you lived before your wife, right? I mean, isn't that what being married is all about? And I know that's what I've read on every single Christian marriage book I've ever read, and that's what I've heard in ever single marriage sermon I've ever heard.

But.....

Doesn't that require us to quit being human? I mean, don't we all have those feelings, whether we admit it or not? Is it realistic to believe that we can really live our lives without ever remembering anybody we cared about before we were married or completely ignore whatever feelings we carry? Isn't that lying to ourselves or to our spouses when we experience those feelings and don't acknowledge them, try to hide them, and/or don't deal with them honestly?

And I'm not talking about infidelity (either emotional or physical) or harboring fantasies or planning some kind of rendezvous or plotting how you're going to get back together or thinking "what if" or sneaking around or communicating behind your spouses back or anything like that - I'm talking about admitting the feelings you do have, acknowledging them for what they are, adjusting your behavior if necessary (including discussing it with your spouse) and going on with your life? Surely I'm not the only one that deals with this.


I think the second option is healthier that the first, and more honest. And less stressful.

Anyway, that's where I am tonight. I have a soft spot for my ex. I own it, I understand the consequences of that, and I'll deal with it as appropriate. And nothing has changed between me and my wife, aside from me loving her more today then I did the day I married her.

450, because I haven't gone to bed yet.