Well, I'm blogging, mostly because I said I would. I broke a second ax handle trying to chop the stump today. This particular project has proven more of an obstacle than originally anticipated. I've been thinking about throwing a tow chain around it, dropping the Bronco in 4-wheel drive low and seeing if that 351 5.7 liter V8 can pull it out. Toni has forbidden me from doing this, but I'm hoping if I can reduce the size of the stump enough she'll relent. Her concern is that the roots have gone under the foundation of the house, but I remain unconvinced.

I was hoping for a nice thunderstorm so I could take a shower outside, but no dice. I ought to go run and get all hot & sweaty so the cold shower isn't so bad, but let's face it - I'm just too lazy tonight, despite the fact that I really do need a shower. I need to eat, too. I've been lowering my IQ watching standup comedy on TV, until about ten minutes ago when I found another show about men who want a sex robot. Seriously - this is the second show on this I've seen. I watched about ten minutes of it before it just got too sad.

There are at least three scary movies coming out for October, and I plan on seeing none of them. I don't think I can do scary movies anymore, or even really bad "R" movies. Or unsettling PG-13 movies. I never saw the "Miami Vice" remake because I knew I'd have to endure a sex scene, but I sure love the old TV show. There's a new Robert Rodriguez movie I want to see but I don't know if I can sit through it, though I do love his movies. I just can't do graphic movies anymore, I guess.

I have to admit - I don't think I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It's going to be a long day without Toni around, and even if the ax handle hadn't broken again I still wouldn't be chopping at a stump without a paramedic nearby - not after the edge I put on the ax blade. I wore heavy leather gloves when I sharpened it because my brother once sliced his hand open sharpening a hoe, and I try to learn from the few mistakes he makes. Offhand, I can only think of maybe three or four times he really screwed up, as opposed to mine, which have to be in the high three-digit range.

I guess it's a testament to my recovery that I wasn't really compelled to act out or do anything stupid. I was a little concerned about that. I guess part of me wanted to see if anything bad was going to happen when I was left unsupervised for a few hours, but it didn't. I suppose it's a holdover from the many years I would wait patiently until I was alone so I could indulge my addiction. I know that part of me still feels like I'm supposed to do something wrong. I guess it's one of the remnant holdovers from my addiction. You wouldn't think that I'd still have a tiny compulsion to do wrong anytime I'm left alone, but you'd be wrong. And I guess that's why they say addiction is a lifetime struggle, because it is. and you know what else? I'm kind of disappointed that something didn't appear in front of my face that would let me do something foolish. Gotta love it the resulting conflict when the sin nature strives against the hedge of protection. It's simultaneously a relief to know that God still protects me when I don't really want to protect myself. I wish I had a better place to say I was, but it'd be a lie if I said otherwise.

Wow - this got kind of depressing. I guess it's fitting that I'm kind of dirty, hungry and alone - it's a great illustration of where I'd perpetually be if I was left alone to my own devices. I'm glad that ultimately, I'm never alone. Not really.

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