The discourse between pathology, behavior & oppression

So yesterday I decided to go back on my anti-depressant medication (Celexa). I think there was sufficient cause, especially when you consider that one of the decisions I made while off of them was to yank out the gas meter with a 4X4 and a tow chain, and was only dissuaded out of concern for the inconvenience it might cause my neighbors, and not the sheer insanity of it. I've also had a marked increase in irritability, a substantially shorter fuse, a hotter temper and a much higher number of incidences where I've started crying with very, very little cause.

For the past few weeks I've experienced what feels like my body getting away from me. For me, getting upset seems to have three stages:

A) The "intellectual" reaction; processing the perceived slight
B) The "emotional" reaction; the decision to pursue the emotion
C) The "physical" reaction; the body's physiological reaction (shakes, tears, etc)

As of late, when something triggers a negative reaction, no matter how slight, insignificant, mis-perceived or just flat-out wrong-headed it may be, I feel like I have lost my ability to reign in my emotional reaction once it begins, regardless of whether or not I can recognize the error of an over-emotional reaction. Put another way, if I get angry at something, even if I recognize very quickly that my reaction is disproportionate, I feel like my body continues with the escalation. In short, I feel like I've lost my ability to control myself, even when I can recognize I'm wrong, and even when emotionally I'm not mad anymore. I feel like need a release of some kind.

Now, when I try to white-knuckle my way through it, or try to just ride it out until the rage or sadness subsides, I get quiet, withdrawn and irritable. It sucks. I'm not making this up, either, y'all. I hope some of this makes a white of sense.

OK - I have two points to make about this:

#1) I am unable to discern whether this reaction (and/or my lack of ability to control it) is the result of:

A) biology/pathology (IE: clinical depression corrected by medication)
B) immaturity, behavioral problem (corrected by counseling)
C) demonic oppression (corrected by further deliverance)

Now, because I don't know that cause , I feel shorthanded as to the cure. And I hate that.

#2) As much as I hate to admit it, my pride gets in the way. I want to "go through life" on my own, unaided by medication. I feel like I should be strong enough to make it on my own, and I can hear my ex-wife's voice in my head saying all the terrible things I (used to) think about myself; the things that at your core you believe about yourself when you're at your worst, and that makes me balk and not want to take my meds so I can prove her wrong. I know that's my own issue, though - one I need to address in counseling.

And THIS is compounded by the fact that I feel like if I could only figure out what the cause was I could lick the problem once and for all, but I can't - not yet, anyway.

Anyway, after a nice long talk with Toni, whom I trust, she helped convince me that I need to be back on them for the benefit of our relationship, and for the benefit of my relationship with our daughter as well. We're under enough stress without my ability to make good decisions so thoroughly compromised.

So I'm back on them, at least for now. Again. And that's where I am today.

961 for Sunday.