I want to talk about my Facebook account, or lack thereof

I guess the first thing I want to make clear is that it wasn't causing a problem for me. I wasn't using it like porn. I wasn't using it to look at girls or spending a disproportionate amount of time on pages of people I had no business checking out. It wasn't a threat to my serenity, my sobriety or my marriage, and I had no on-the side relationship with anybody online. the short version is this- it wasn't a problem for me.

So why did I jettison it?

I did it partially out of anger, I'll admit. While we were at church today my wife told me that she wanted me to delete several people from my Facebook account, mostly girls from the theater I used to work at, and then it became anybody (female) she didn't know. I deleted everybody she asked, and it was no problem - really; it wasn't. What pissed me off and resulted me deleting my account was this: I felt as though if I couldn't have my Facebook account my way I'd rather just not have one at all. I felt as though I was being controlled; being told who I could and couldn't talk to, regardless of whether there was a problem or not. And I felt if there was a problem, I think I'd be the first one aware of it. I know when I'm doing something wrong, guys. I'm very cognizant of my own behavior and whether or not I should or shouldn't be doing it, especially when it comes to women. I still have a very sharp moral radar when it come to that, and the first person I have to get past fooling is me, and I can't fool myself anymore.

So again - why did I do it?

I think I did it out of pride for as much as any other reason. I feel like I've spent enough of my life being told what I'm doing wrong, or not doing well enough, or not doing to somebody to else's specifications, especially when it has no impact on anybody but me. So truthfully, I deleted it because if I couldn't do it my way, I wasn't going to do it at all. It wasn't about having the girls on there at all; at least not for me. It was about feeling controlled and deleting it was a way to take control away from somebody else. Right or wrong, that's why I did it.

I hope you guys understand.

Now the bad news is that I lost a lot of contacts and links I think I'm going to miss. Not the girls - they're largely irrelevant and immaterial. It's guy friends I'm going to have to re-track down, as Facebook is basically the national standard to communicate with folks these days. Drum Corp contacts, Tara H, Nick G, and a few others, all of which I could have used for Advocare. I had to save nearly 60 pictures, too. I suppose having your pride can have a price.

In a moment of fairness, I do have to confess that I still experience a moment of weakness or sentimentality, but they never have anything to do with Facebook - I'm aware of those, and I tend to acknowledge them pretty openly and honestly. They still happen from time to time - I have to be honest about that.

I spent over 12 hours this weekend mucking out my parent's garage. Now it's all pretty well organized (about an 8 on a scale of 10) and - here's the best part - my Mom can park her car in there when she comes home, and all our stuff is arranged so it's ready to go when we are. It needed to happen - it was a disaster in there. I threw away quite a bit, but it was all trash, I promise.

I've been weaning myself off my anti-depressants for about 10 says now. I'm down to one pill every third day, when the ringing in my ears and the vertigo just gets too much to bear. I feel like I've been doing OK most of the time; I haven't had any crying fits or anything, so I guess that's good.

Twice in the past 48 hours I've gotten so mad I can't think clearly; like I can't control it. It's generally stemmed from frustration, but I don't know what the deal is with that. I don't know if it's me going off my medications or if I'm being demonically oppressed or if it's healthy righteous anger of if I'm just being an asshole. How do you tell, man? All i know is that I'm a frogs hair away from breaking something, and I feel like i can't reign it in.

Our pastor said something today that really hurt me, too. He was giving us a scenario of a married guy who was working with a women that he was on dangerous ground with, fidelity wise. The guy's safest option for his marriage and his family? Quit your job. Now - that's extreme, some might say. That's not right.

No - you know what's not right? Having to go over and help somebody move out of the house and watch the kids cry because one of the parents is walking out on the other one because quitting the job was too extreme; watching the spouse divorce and the family fall apart and die was apparently the better solution.

And man - that hurt.

It's not that I want my ex-wife back; it's that the pain of that divorce is still there, is always there, and I don't know how or when or if it's ever going to go away, not fully. It's like being shot - even after the dig the slug out and sew up the hole, it still hurts when the weather changes, or when somebody punches the scar.

That's been getting under my skin all day, too, and I think that's colored much of how I've felt and emotionally responded to everything. I feel like tonight I've been unable or unwilling to tolerate anything that's a detriment to our marriage that the thought of entertaining any notions that are unhealthy for it out of simple nicety or social grace or under the guise of being pleasant just turns my stomach, and makes me angry. I've gone through one divorce and I'll be damned if I through another one because I was too passive or to afraid of conflict to stand up and address (and attack, if necessary) anything that threatens our marriage. I stood by once - I won't do it again, even if it means pissing somebody off.

I know there's a big question about "Would you rather be right or happy/healthy?" I get that - I really do, I understand the message there, but I think that sometimes you have to be right, regardless of how unhappy it makes somebody when what's at stake is larger that somebody's temporary happiness, meaning saving your marriage is more important than not hurting anybody's feelings,, and I make no apologies for that.

And Satan - I know you can read, so read this: Fuck off. You don't get this marriage.

948 for Monday.