Today is gonna be a good day

I got paid on Monday, so I can:

A) get the gas turned back on (hot showers tonight!)
B) get supplies
C) pay back my folks (some)
D) pay child support (some)

I'm watching a TV show called "Intervention". It's a good show, but it's sad. Sad to watch all these folks destroy their lives and the lives of the ones that love them. I guess it hits home with me because I feel like I've done some of those same things. Every time I watch the show I hope the people they feature make the right decision to get healthy. Sometimes they do.

You guys ever wonder if God isn't sending you more of the things you want because He knows that you won't be able to handle it? Toni was talking about that today; that your own vision of what your success looks like is actually beyond your ability to deal with- and that's why God hasn't delivered it to you.

Something else, too - if you're in any way OK with mediocrity and/or substandard conditions (for example, being OK with having important bills go unpaid or simply accepting utilities being cut off on a regular basis); are you less likely to work as hard as you can to improve your situation? Odds are - no.

Now - let me unpack that a little bit for you.

I feel like, at some point, I (because I'm not gong to speak for Toni on this) began to accept less for myself, and by extension, my family. I think I got to this point gradually, man. I think that I I got here because I felt as though I wasn't worth anything better; that my lot in life was to spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I made. I think I held on to that for so long that I began to simply accept things as they grew worse and worse, especially financially. Accept that I was being punished for my sins, for being a bad husband, for being a bad father, you name it. And if you figure that you A) deserve everything that's happening to you and B) there's nothing you can do about it, you tend to give up expecting any better, and you begin to accept it without the slightest thought that maybe - just maybe - there's a better life out there for you. I think some of that hopelessness helped keep in my addiction as well.

So let's go a step further, then. If somebody works as hard as he can, often working 60+ hours a week, and sees little in the way of tangible results, year after year, and simply accepts that that is the life that God has predestined for him to live, where is the hope in that? Where is the motivation, the passion, the belief that he can succeed beyond his existing situation? Add that to the loss of his home, his first nuclear family, his car & his financial viability, and you have even more to overcome.

So - there I am. I'm wondering if my own unbelief has been what's been holding me (us) back from greater things; my (our?) inability to accept more from God because we stand in His stead and remain steadfast in the belief that we don't deserve it, when it's really not our call; that's pride.

I guess I'd be remiss if I ignored that I've allowed this thought process to penetrate my marriage, too; believing that Toni and I are condemned to have less than complete and total happiness because of all the mistakes I've made, the soul ties I've created, the issues I've brought into the marriage, my lack of faith - you get the idea. And I wonder if sometimes it's that belief that keeps me from stepping into something better, even my marriage. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time moving forward, out of the past, and away from the past - and that's hard for me accept, and to move past, because I don't feel like my faith is strong enough for me to move past it. Odds are that's the root of all my problems, I guess. Or at least most of them.

Anyway, that's where I am tonight. Just observations, I guess.

But it's gonna be a good day - we're getting the gas turned back on.

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