Blogging & Music (Tuesday)

So do you guys listen to music when you write? I do every so often. I used to listen to REM & Finoa Apple when I was feeling dow, it seemed to put me in the right frame of mind. Tonight I'm listening to "Malaguena Salerosa" from the Kill Bill soundtrack. It's one of my favorite songs. It makes me want to play my trumpet, fight in a bar, dance with passion, kill zombies, blow up a building, race a car through the streets of Mexico, have sex with my wife and deliver a baby all at the same time.

I hope that wasn't too much information. Listen to the song, though, and you'll understand.

Tonight I had a few things I wanted to write about, so I'll just start.

last night I was taking a shower and somehow in the middle of it I thought "If we can stay married for five years then I think we'll have a chance at making it." The fact that that thought crossed my mind bummed me out, especially since I can't quite pin down how I got there. For those of you who don't already know, my first wife left about 6 months before our five year anniversary, so I guess I have hang-up with making it through the first five years of marriage successfully. I know that my first marriage was wildly different than my sedonc; that I'm different than I was then, my ex-wife is much different than she was then, Toni's different than my first wife, and it's both unfair and illogical to even try to compare to two - I get that. But somehow we tend to do that anyway, don't we?

Then I started remembering all the painful times in my first marriage, all the hurt, the anxiety, the silent hostility, the unforgivness, the abandonment, the fighting, the sadness, the isolation, the addiction, every failure I ever had, how much I missed out on, all the things I could have done better, how I let her down, how I let my daughter down....all the stuff that you do your best to let go and put down - but we never forget where we put it; not really. We know right where can find it, we know where we can go and look at it, watch it, and see if it's grown. We can stand back and remember every crevice, every bend and curve, every place and every surface. All those memories, fears, hurts, disappointments and sadness can come right back; all it takes is us looking at them - we don't even have to pick them up. We don't have to carry them; all we have to do is remember what it felt like then, and we remember, and that's just one set of failures; just one relationship. I have more than that one, too, and I can take a trip to that particular set of hurts if I try hard enough, too. I think that's just our broken human nature; to visit our hurts from time to time. I think we grow attached to them in some strange way, and it's our tendency to want to nurture and care for them a little bit, perhaps we don't forget all of it, because somewhere in the middle of that pile of hurts there's a tiny diamond of joy, of happiness, of peace, of love, that we don't want to let go of.......so we don't. I think we carry that around with us forever, in one way or another.

I still have my selfish streak; tonight I totally put my own wants in front of my wife's. I wanted to get another gun before we took our honeymoon. It's stupid, I know, but it's where I was. I still have the tendency to want what I want when I want it. I hope I'm not the only one that's like that sometimes. And this, one the day when she got up early, made me breakfast, dropped me off, brought me lunch at work, picked me up, and then cooked dinner, too. I ought to be a better husband than that, man. The gun can wait - my wife deserves the best honeymoon I can give her; especially after all the nonsense she puts up with from me, including my baring 99.99% of my private life 5-6 times a week on the internet. She's.....she takes the words away from me. I don't think I have them.

Anyway, that's it for tonight, all.

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