A few words from the service industry

As a bouncer, I'd like to say a few things here that I'm generally not permitted to say or I just don't have time to get into with folks at work. In no particular order.....

I throw away several hundred bottles of beer a every night. Odds are if I see your bottle and it looks empty, feels empty or feels warm I'm going to pitch it. If you're going to get mad that I pitched your Bud Lite - that's been sitting so the edge of the table for so long that the shallow layer of foam resting at the bottom of the bottle is warm - then maybe you should drink it a little faster. It's cheap beer, not a $50 glass of fine brandy in a snifter. Please finish your drink in a timely manner. I'm not saying you have to gulp it down at once - by all means, enjoy your beer. But please, please don't bitch at me because you won't drink 12 oz of booze in an hour.

I deal with bar glasses, too. See - the bartenders need those back when you're done drinking out of them. Other customers - which mean people other than you - would like to drink something as well, so when whatever you ordered has either turned into a glass devoid of any beverage whatsoever, has become an empty glass containing only ice, or has sat so long that all the ice has melted, I'm going to assume that you're done with it and I'm going to take it away. Be mentally prepared for this occurrence, and your time spent at our establishment will be much more pleasurable.

When you think you want one more drink, stop.

Old people can be mean, too.

After you vomit on the floor, it's a lousy time to try to convince me that you're really OK and that you deserve to stay. And even if your friend actually tells me "I can guarantee you that he's not going to get sick anymore. I promise." you still have to leave. The fact that this is really beyond his control is not lost on me. And people don't like vomit, man. It's nasty.

Our waitresses don't like being grabbed, fondled, or groped. We, however, take special pleasure in forcibly removing such offenders. We generally like to do this in groups, too.

If you can't keep your head off the table, it's time for you to leave.
If you can't keep your clothes on, it's time for you to leave.
If you can't keep your body vertical, it's time for you to leave.

When a bouncer asks you to leave, we don't care why you think you should stay. Trying to argue your point is merely irritating, and we aren't interested in debating you. Then point of discussion has passed. There is no explanation, revelation, or dissertation will change our minds. When you have to leave, you have to leave.

If you scream excitedly and climb onto the speaker platform to dance to "Crazy Bitch" it makes me think you have issues with your father.

The girls dancing with girls for attention has gotten old.

Bouncers don't have to be geniuses, but we are all familiar with the following formulas:

Inability to Shut One's Mouth is directly proportionate to the amount of alcohol one has consumed.

Fighting Ability is inversely proportionate to the amount of alcohol one has consumed.

Inability to Shut One's Mouth + Diminished Fighting Ability = Lose

When the bar closes, the music stops and all the lights come on, you have to leave. Even you. We are closed. Go home. Go to IHOP. Just go.

Bouncers are only nice until we close - then we can be as mean as we want.

No - I don't know anybody in the band.
No - I don't care if you're with the band.
No - I don't know who you are. So far, you're just a jerk.

If you tell me "I'm going to have your job" please mean it. It's just plain cruel to taunt me with that otherwise.

Pretty girls are only nice until they stop getting their way.

Flirting only works on single guys, honey. I'm not interested.

If you drop a quarter on the floor leave it. I'll pick it up after you leave. I need it.

I'm am not going to drive you home. I am not a taxi. Plus you might vomit in my car, and that would be unacceptable.

If you absolutely have to fight after we close, please walk ten feet steps south and fight in the parking lot. We don't care what you do in the parking lot.

If you have to fight after we close, please don't fight in front of the hot dog guy's stand. He's a nice guy and last time you guys broke his table. We have since become quite protective of the hot dog guy and are much more likely to thump on you.

We have ashtrays for a reason.

We have trash cans for a reason.

We have toilets for a reason.

We have a door for a reason.

Hey - thanks for coming. Come back and see us!

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