Another Open Letter

I've been over this and over this the past several days, and I figure I might as well say my peace about it, though that indeed goes against my better judgement. I fully expect it to fall on deaf ears, as sorely needed advice generally does, but I figure it's my blog and I can say what I want. The most bothersome things is that I feel like I have to say this to adults and not to 13 year olds, but I've been there, so I understand how adults can act this way. I really do. So, here we go.

On making web pages with the intent to defame others....

It makes you look foolish, spiteful, and childish. It's the technological equivalent of writing "______ is a slut" on the bathroom wall or spray-painting similar garbage on an underpass. You only demean yourself, and your audience most likely consists of you and you alone. If somebody does it you you, let it go. You are not that important, and so much less is what one clown chooses to write about you. You have no control over another's opinion of you, nor how they choose to voice it. Keep your dignity, and walk away from the relationship that has caused you so much pain. Move Forward.

On refusing to communicate face-to-face....

Look - I've been through this, and from both sides, so I know of what I speak. E-mail and text messaging are inherently lousy ways to communicate. Interpersonal communication (which means actually meeting in person) is the only way to ensure that you are communicating effectively where interpersonal relationships are concerned. If you are knowingly and/or intentionally refusing to discuss whatever is bothering you face-to-face with the person with whom you have the issue, then it's painfully clear that you are more concerned with keeping control of the conversation than you are with resolving the problem itself. If you REALLY want to work through the problem and salvage the relationship, step out of your comfort zone, ,be a big boy or girl, and actually sit down with the person you have a problem with. Use your words. If I could I'd ban texting outright. It's caused me (and folks I've cared deeply about) nothing but pain.

On expecting irrational people to think, act, or speak rationally....

They won't.

Look - remember this:

Seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, and/or going through Pathways, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Tres Dias (or whatever worked for you) generally means that you are (or should be) a lot better at identifying and working through your own problems, whatever they are. Remember how messed up you were before you went in? I sure do. Well, guess what - folks that haven't made the commitment to get the help that they need are going to remain squirrley, unpredictable, hurt, messed up, angry, confused, irrational, addicts, ragers, codependents and whatever else they're afflicted with until they hit rock bottom, come to the end of themselves, and choose to go through some sort of healing process on their own. Until they choose to make this commitment, they're just going to continue to act out they way they always have. And generally, those who tend to speak ill of said programs either haven't gone through it for any one of a variety of reasons (too afraid to deal with their own issues or they haven't hit their bottom being the two primary reasons I've experienced) or they started the program and didn't have the gut to finish it, which I've also seen. I will say this, though - when they are really ready, the program will still be there. I've witnessed this both in Pathways and CR - everybody has their time, and it's not our call when that time is.

And don't get me wrong - you have to keep working it or it goes away, people.

Pathways won't fix you forever if you don't keep going back to what you learned in the room; and not just parts of it, either - ALL of it.

12-step programs of any variety (AA, NA, SA, CR) will all ultimately fail UNLESS you continue to walk those 12 steps each and every day.

Look folks, if you quit working what you've learned, it'll ultimately be like you never went through. This is a fact: own it. And let's face it - some folks can bullshit their way through, and they come out on the other side just very well polished assholes and better liars who have another layer of vocabulary to use. It happens: own it. And yeah - it isn't right, but remember two things:

A) You can't control it
B) They've just screwed themselves, and dug their own holes a little deeper

Programs are engineered to be life-long - remember? If something in your life isn't going the way you want it to, then you need to take a really serious, long, hard look at yourself, get out of denial, and figure out what the problem is - even if it's you. Even after successfully completing any program, there's times when you need to seriously re-evaluate which direction your life is headed, and adjust your curse as necessary. This is a fact: own it.

We would all do very well to remember this - especially me.

On keeping that hook in old relationships....

You have to let it go. There's a reason it ended. Don't forget all the bad things that caused the relationship to fail.

Remember the lying.
Remember the anger.
Remember the abuse.
Remember the drinking.
Remember the hate.
Remember walking on eggshells all the time.
Remember how it sucked the life out of you.
Remember the hurt.

But now it's over, and you don't have to experience those things anymore. Walk away. Let it be over.

And yeah - it's simple, but it ain't easy. Oh Lord - it ain't easy at all.

Now - this doesn't mean you have to walk away mad, OK? You can choose to walk away and not have an ill feeling in your heart about them, if you desire. You can choose to move on with your own life, and not try to be involved in theirs anymore. And it's hard, man. Oh, it's hard. It hurts - there's no way around that. But eventually, it goes away, and you've forged a new life for yourself and your family, and that old shackle is gone. It's good. It's healthy,. It's the natural way things are supposed to be. Hanging on to relationships that have ended isn't good for you, man. It strangles out the new life that you could (and should) be living. And (this one was the hardest one for me - and still is, on occasion) you need to remember one thing: they will be OK without you. God still loves them. God is still going to take care of them. Trust that God can do a better job than you can and walk away from them. Let 'em go. Oh - and one more thing: It's incredibly disrespectful and wildly inappropriate for you to keep floating that line out there. It's damaging to their new relationships, even if it's only serving as a distraction and not materially degrading it. Trust me - I know. I've done it.

And yeah - it's an addiction. You need to own up to that. It's hard to quit doing it. And when you quit doing it, you're actually going to go through some withdrawal symptoms that will only be attenuated by acting out and casting that line out again. I know - I've been there. I've done it. But you have to stop. And you can. You're strong enough to.

I know because I've done it. I have the authority to speak on this because I've seen this from both sides, and I know exactly what happens from both sides. I get to say these things because I've done it myself.

You spot it, you got it, right?

Anyway, that's all I have for today. Find the value, people.

I'll see you folks tomorrow.

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