Well, here's how I see it.

My car got repossessed last night, which sucks, but was pretty much unavoidable at this point. I really liked that car, too. After the initial call, I have a few days to come up with a grand or so, which I can't do without taking it out of what I owe one of my contractors.

The short version is this: do I pay one contractor $1K now and eat $13K myself, or do I wait and pay the contractor $1K later and save myself $13K?

Odds are I can pay them in full in January. And oh, yes - the contractor will be pissed.

Morally, one could make the argument that morally I ought to pay what I owe people that have worked for me, and that's absolutely correct. I am continuing to pay them off, one by one, with no intention of stopping until they are all paid in full. However, do I not have a moral obligation to my wife and daughter to make financially responsible decisions as well? Does not going $13K further into debt fit into that category?

Who do I have a greater moral obligation to - my employees or my wife and child?

Should the contractor's quality of life (which in may respects is better than mine) be a factor? What I mean is I know they won't be forced out of where they live, get their car repo'd or starve as a result of having to wait a few more weeks. Sure - it'll piss them off to no end, but they're already pissed anyway.

Or, hell - I can just declare bankruptcy and be nearly free of all my debt, which I don't want to do. If I racked it up, I need to pay it off.

Regardless, the way I see it is this.

I'm falling into a giant hole that I dug myself. As I see it, I'm not going to stop falling until I hit the absolute bottom, and I don't know where that is, except I don't think it can be a whole lot further. The good news is when I hit bottom, I won't have any place to go but up.

Today I'm thinking that I might as well wait and see how much money I have when the date comes due and let that be the deciding factor, huh? Or do I decide beforehand and somehow MAKE the money happen? And I can do one or the other, but not both - unless God sends me a miracle or some kind, which I know he can do but that I don't really expect. And don't take that as a lack of faith - it's just reality. God generally doesn't bail out everybody, ya know? And he's bailed me out more than my fair share, and I figure it's my time to take a hit one way or the other. I figure I'm due.

Anyway, that's where I am today.

PS - I feel guilty when I buy food. Groceries. Noodles. Ground Beef. Sonic. Ramen. Anything. I feel like I should be giving that money to the people I owe. What's the deal with that? I know I need to eat, ya know?

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