into the realm of foolishness

For the record, I'm not writing about the ex. I'm writing about writing to the ex. It sounds stupid, but bear with me.

Generally speaking, I've blogged for any one (or more) of three different reasons. In no particular order, they are:

#1) Using it as a journal to process my thoughts
#2) To entertain myself and/or others
#3) To communicate (mostly one-sidedly) with an ex girlfriend

When I'm blogging for the first two reasons (which I think has been most of the time), I don't give a second thought to the reaction of my readership. However, when I venture into the realm of the third reason, I know what reaction(s) I wanted from her, even if I had no validation or proof I was getting it. I always figured I kind of knew about how she'd react, or at least I thought I did until a night or two ago, when I suddenly realized something - there's a very distinct possibility, if not a likelihood, that I'm just making an idiot out of myself when I do it, and I'm being ridiculed by her and/or her friends and family. Now, bear in mind I have no evidence of this whatsoever, except for the sudden realization that if it's not likely, it's possible. And I were to put myself in their shoes, I can see how a lot of what I write is absolutely pathetic from their point of view, and let's face it - I've given out a lot of material for them to sit around a computer, read, share and laugh at if they so chose to do so.

I don't like feeling foolish or stupid, but that realization made me feel that way. For a while, it made me regret everything I've ever written to, about, or at her, which has been quite a lot over a very long time. It was more than humbling, to say the least. I don't know what the next step beyond humbling is. Humiliating? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Maybe all of them. It certainly put a whole new light on a lot of what I've been writing about so often often the past few years, and made me think about what I write.

Obviously, one decision at hand is whether or not I continue to write here at all. I mean, it's an obvious and semi-permanent link to her, as it's always been and may always be a direct window for her to look in. So do I keep it?

I could always ditch this, e-mail all you guys a link to a new blog I'm writing under and assumed name. I've done that before, but I'm tired of doing it, and that's no guarantee she or somebody she knows won't find it or have it sent to her by a mutual contact somehow.

Or maybe I just temper this and don't put anything I don't want to be made fun of for, but is that being really honest? And I I quit being honest, with myself most of all, what's the point? All this becomes is another "here's what I had for lunch today" blog with no real substance or meaning to anybody, most of all me, which is who I'm writing it for more than anybody.

Anyway, I have these thoughts, these questions and no real answers for any of this.

515 (for Monday)