I missed yesterday, and technically today

But I'll have one for Wednesday, by gawd.

I have really lagged behind lately, I know. I'm almost used to the keyboard, though, so I'm running out of excuses. And, admittedly, I don't know what to say, but I'd better come up with something because I just basically kicked my wife out of the room so I could blog. I can't talk and blog at the same time. In retribution, and in a show of solidarity with my wife, the cat is vomiting on the floor. This is, of course, after he took a nap on my black suit jacket, which I guess I'll just have cleaned now. It smells like popcorn and frustration.

Gosh- it's three AM. I think I'd like it of the days were about 36 hours long, then I wouldn't feel so behind. Maybe when we die and get to heaven the days will be longer. I think if I didn't have anything else to do I'd just play my trumpet all day.

I still have control problems, especially when it comes to our little company. I'm torn between wanting to run it myself and trusting Toni to run it right, which she's always done. I sometimes forget how much pressure she's under. I can't imagine how stressful that must be for her some days, especially with me and the rest of my foamy around. And she's trying to be a wife and mom on top of all that, too.

Did you ever make joke you thought was funny only to have it turn out to be the worst possible, most inappropriate, wildly distasteful comment you ever made? I totally did that tonight. Ugh - it was awful. I can't apologize enough.

I've been praying a lot more these days; praying the serenity prayer and to be relieved of some of the emotions and feelings I've been experiencing as of late, and again, putting it all on the table for God to deal with. It's odd, and yet not so, that when you're totally 100% honest with Him He tends to work with that more than when you try to tel God what you think He wants to hear. I hate to admit, some of what I pray I won't even put here, but sometimes it's that very junk that you need to get off your chest and dump on Him that He takes away. It's still a process, I guess.

Last week Brandon asked me if I've been reading the Bible regularly. I haven't been, like at all. I wish I had a better answer, but there it is. I rarely, if ever, read it. I onow I should - I really do. And no matter what anybody else says, no matter what reason you give, no matter how cohesive and compelling your argument, I'm just not going to read it until I feel like I need to or I want to. It's not a shot at God or anything, nor do I think it's my "I already know what it says" pride talking (anymore) - for some reason I struggle with reading it. It's never become a habit, and if I don't have the hunger to read it I just won't. I don't know what that says about me, other than in one regard I'm very plainly not listening to God in at least two ways.

I never "got" the folks that read the Bible every day. I know my Mom and Dad do. I know my brother does. I know most of my friends do, but I don't. I never have. I never picked it up as a habit, though I know I should, and I know I need to if I expect any spiritual growth at all. I equate it with eating green vegetables, which I find unpleasant, but ought to do to stave off whatever cancer I'm likely going to die of a little longer. And how sad is that that I've just resigned myself to that fate? Cancer or a heart attack. I don't know why those don't bother me very much, though they don't keep me up at night either.

I know the Bible is suppose to eventually evolve into something that fills a deep, spiritual need; something that you grow to enjoy and eventually need to sustain yourself. I know all of this - but why is it just not important enough to me to read every day, or ever?

I'm sure I'll have lots of responses, but let's face it - I'm just going to ignore them. It's nothing personal, I promise. You can't tell somebody something they already know. I even suspect it's inhibiting my spiritual growth as well; what does it mean that that's not enough of a reason for me to do it? It's probably something terrible. Maybe I'm just burned out and have quit tying to squeeze anything more out of life than an existence. All I can hear is my Mom's voice in my head telling me "All you can do in life is survive." I guess most days I think that there's very little joy to be had in life, huh? That life is a daily grind until the sweet release of death, because God cursed Adam in the garden and now humanity is just fucked. Is that it - really?

That feeling is the closest to where I'm at right now, though. Survival and little else. I know God gives me life, and I ought to be more thankful, and I am thankful - I really am. I every good thing is a gift from Him, but sometimes I feel like I just don't care anymore. But hey - at least I'm not pining for my ex tonight, nor have I for the past few days. That's an improvement, right?

My house is supposed to close - for real; again - on the 16th or 17th. I don't care of it does or if they foreclose on it. I'm past the point of caring anymore. There's a lot of stuff I feel like that about, like being in debt. Tonight, I don't see a way out - just a lifetime of laboring to get out from under a pile I'll never escape; and wet blanket I'll carry until I die, and hope the life insurance money will cover whatever I leave behind. How sad is that? And I can hear the tapes in my head of folks I cared deeply about saying that very thing - "how sad is that/how sad are you?"

And it's not that I have anything against it, either. I like the Bible. I just never read it unless I have a question or I need to know something. To me I guess it's kind of like a reference book to go to when you need something. That's probably bad, I know. You guys don't have to tell me so.

Anyway, that's where I am tonight. Have a cat. He doesn't read the Bible either, but it's because cats are illiterate. If they coud read, they'd probably read the Bible more than I do. Cats are smart like that.

I hope I didn't say anything disrespectful. Here's that cat.



499 (Wednesday)