I'm bailing while it's still 494
Good gawd - what a downer post. And you know who I think is going to be the most disappointed in this? My wife. Man - have I done a shitty job of making her feel valued to me lately. Do I ever write about how wonderful she really is? Not enough. Do I every shout from my little monitor screen what a great wife she is? Not enough. Do I lavish praise on her publicly? Not enough. So she gets to read this and know all the implications included therein and feel like crap, and I feel like it's my fault. And to....well, nothing. It is. It just is. And as much as I'd like to go through the dramatics of wailing and caterwauling and gnashing my teeth in the self-flagellation of what a poor husband I am, I'm just going to suck it up and just try to do better.
I'm having a hard enough time making my emotions fall in line all the time; I mean, aren't we told that if you do the right thing, you'll eventually feel the right thing? And don't get me wrong - I feel the right things for my wife, but I have a lot of other feelings that stunt me in some way, and I feel like those are heading off ....well, something. Am I just expecting too much, for all my feelings and emotions and predilections to just vanish if I'm doing everything right? I'm pretty sure I learned that in church, but so far it hasn't worked out 100% like I was hoping it would. Am I not believing it enough? Is my faith not strong enough? Am I just still pissed at church, or am I just looking to assign blame for the way I am (or choose to be) or am I just trying to find an explanation for why I'm going though some of this. I suppose, in all honesty, it depends on the day.
Or maybe I'm just so worried about the scar I've neglected to notice how much it's healed, or maybe I'm just used to worrying. I'm very good at worrying, when I'm not careful. And it's all over shit I can't control, too. So I don't know if I'm hurt, worried, or just tired. In recovery, you're not supposed to let yourself get too tired, because then you start making shitty decisions. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe it's all getting better and I'm just having a rough night, or maybe I'm having an OK night and I'm messing it up by wondering if I'm having good night or not.
And did I even answer Cindy's question?
How you folks can stand to read this some day mystifies me. I can't understand all of it, and I wrote this crap.
Do you guys think that most spend a lot of their lives confused or left in a state of perpetual pondering about stuff sometimes? I mean, is this just how we are and how it is until we die? I guess I'm just wondering. Or worrying. Either way, I'm knocking off, 'cause I know I still might screw u and blow 494 days if I stick around too long. Tomorrow I'm going to enjoy fireworks with my wife and try like all hell not to think so damn much. Therein usually lies my downfall.
494. Still.
2 comments:
Ian, we had a great time the other night,we will have to go play with the bronco when the girls go out to the flea market.
Congrats on the 494.
And big congrats on the notice of how Toni might feel, this was the first time I have seen that, but I coulda missed a blog or three.
Word Verification slisgit: Redneck for "Sister, let us go from this place."
You're not a freak.
"I'm having a hard enough time making my emotions fall in line all the time; I mean, aren't we told that if you do the right thing, you'll eventually feel the right thing?"
I have no idea where you heard this, but it's not in taught in the Bible. We're taught that if we do the right thing it will please the Lord. Emotions are what they are - responders. And REEEEEEALY strong ones.
What I saw in your post was a man humble enough to see temptation coming and get the heck away. That's a godly thing to do and it is the right thing and it pleases your Lord, no matter how you feel about it.
I gotta ask you - are you reading your Bible? Are you getting good input? I feel most days like I study the Bible and pray and fill my mind with good things just to keep even, much less grow. I grow - but it's so frustratingly slow that I have to look back to see the progress. Some days I just feel overwhelmed by how sinful I am. But I know the Lord loves me anyway and He is growing me. albeit so very, very slowly.
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