If this doesn't sum up the entirety of this blog, nothing will.

I'll trying to get a jump-start on Monday again. I have the kiddo this week, but I'm still going to try to blog every day.

Recovery-wise I've found that I'm having to re-focus myself a lot more lately. I have to remind myself that if I deviate from the behaviors that keep me sober all I get is thoughts, dreams and images I don't want. I suppose on some level I'm hoping one day it'll just be automatic and something that won't trouble me anymore, but I need to remind myself that that's just not realistic. I have a buddy that's been a recovering sex addict for over 25 years, and he still deals with it. He's the same guy that says that kicking alcohol was easier compared to this. That's a sobering thought - no pun intended.

I guess while I'm on this, I'd better back up what I said on the last blog pertaining to knowing what my readership has been and still may be. I guess the first question is obvious. Do I use this blog to talk to my ex?

Let me get this part out of the way first, because it's the most important part. I'm happily married, and I'm gonna stay that way. I love my wife very much. I'm not trying to re-kindle or surreptitiously communicate with my ex using code or subtext in an effort to keep that option open. I think, if you asked us both separately, we'd both say that ship sailed a long time ago. I'm not trying to get her back or anything like that, and I can't imagine she'd want me back, either. We haven't spoken face-to-face in over a year, and I've only seen her once since then, just in passing. We've had no communication either direct or indirect since December, so that's where all of that stands. I have no idea what her situation is in any sense of the word, and I'm quite positive she's happy that way. We both are, I think, so there's no rocking that boat or trying to bark up that tree. And I haven't used her name or written directly about her, either - that was our agreement, and I think I've held to it.

Now - do I write stuff I want her to read? Yeah, I do. Every once in a while I'll post something that I think I want her to hear, or I feel like I need to get off my chest in some way, without actually communicating, which I admit isn't "fair" in one sense of the word but that I think needs to be avoided for everybody's benefit. I don't know what the "real world" equivalent might be or is. I guess it's like writing your feelings on a poster board and posting it in your front yard for the world to read, knowing that it's possible (with a suspected but ultimately unknown likelihood) that your subject may drive by and view it but knowing that you didn't write about your subject for your subject's benefit - only your own, with a fairly wanton disregard for the subject itself.

I think there's a mutual agreement to leave each other alone, and I think we're keeping it that way, as historically, any other arrangement tends to only bring pain to all parties directly - and indirectly - involved. I guess every once in a while I'll post something that I think I'd say to her if I could, for my own reasons, which are generally selfish ones, though in my mind they're to help me feel better or move past something I'm struggling with or alleviate some residual pain I'm still feeling. I guess there's no getting around that - you guys can do with that what you will, I guess. I don't think it's much of a secret to anybody, especially you gals. You ladies can see such things a mile away, even though we menfolk think we're pretty crafty about it.

I know I'll also say thing to try to shore up my relationship with my wife as well, things that are, in my mind, building blocks to continue to create the most solid foundation with her I can, including being fully honest, all the time, about everything, even the stuff you either want to keep to yourself or think you should. I feel like if I make statements to that effect (professing feelings of affection, loyalty, praise, affirmation, etc. towards my wife) publicly it helps us out in some way. Are we not supposed to build up each other publicly? That is my intent.

Oddly enough, I was going to ask why it is that when a relationship ends, why it it OK for us to move on ourselves but we hate to think about the other person doing the same, but it doesn't feel right tonight. Don't we all experience that to a certain extent? Anyway, for what it's worth, the two topics where originally unrelated, but I don't have it on me to put 'em together in the same blog as this one.

Man - I hope some of this made sense.

On a wildly unrelated topic change, I want to talk a bit about grilled chicken. I've tried to make it a few times, but have generally met with a finished product of a low 6 on a scale of 10. My friend Bri has a smoked chicken variant that achieves at least a solid 9. A few night s ago My buddy Kent banged out some charcoaled BBQ chicken that inspired me to try it again. However, my bride, knowing my failure rate with any chicken that's not fried, talked me out of it, and I reluctantly let her take over the project. My wife is a very persuasive lady, especially when hungry.

See, I'm a really picky eater. I like what I like and am generally afraid to try new things, especially other people's cooking. Generally, I'm afraid that if they make something I won't like it, and I'll be placed in the uncomfortable position of having to do one of two things; lie and have to choke down something I find unpalatable, or tel somebody that worked really hard on something that I don't like it, which will inevitably result in hurt feelings. This has been my dilemma in the other-women-cooking-for-me department for the duration my existence.

Tonight, however, my bride has alleviated me of this fear in yet one more application and relieved me of the burden of being able to grill a chicken. She made four delectable, juicy, succulent versions; a season salt, a garlic, a BBQ and a culmination of all three. Even out daughter, with her particular 8-year-old palate, gobbled it up. It was the best grilled chicken I've ever had, man. I just had to brag on her.

I also need to state the completely obvious in closing; that my wife is of uncommon valor, spectacular mettle, and of unwavering loyalty and patience to put up with the variety of particularly acerbic bullshit such as I tend to dish out here, most especially on this particularly tiresome topic, which can unquestionably be little else than an insult and an offensive affront to her security in her relationship with me. I know exactly what a skunk I can be, and how merciless my own introspection and personal catharsis can be to others, especially those closest to me, and it's likely a tribute to my own selfishness that I not only continue to freely indulge in it, but to document it so well on such a public forum. I often am reminded of how lucky, fortunate and blessed I am to have a wife of such trust and fidelity. She's got sand I don't know that I can match, in more ways than one.

Anyway, that's it for tonight.

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