Day One, kinda

Day one so far is just an bad extension of the night before. I haven't slept a wink, man, and it's 6:44 AM. I've tried laying there, but my mind is racing rather badly. I can't take anything, because if I do I'll be wiped out for all day on Monday, and I can't afford to do that. I have to run to downtown Fort Worth today to pick up tax forms I needed to mail out last week, and I'm not looking forward to doing it, especially driving with no sleep in over 24 hours. Since I'm already late I might as well do it tomorrow.

I ate two peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with some chips and milk at about 11:45 last night. I had four cokes at a super Bowl party I went to, so that's probably my problem, right? But I quit drinking soft drinks at about 8 PM, so why am I wide awake nearly 12 hours later? I only had four hours of sleep on Saturday night/Sunday morning. We got to church in time for the 10:45 service, which was excellent and had a message that I though spoke to me personally regarding serving God, despite our weaknesses and faults. As ans aside, I swore I saw the sister of my ex-girlfriend, but it was just her doppelganger, apparently, unless I forgot what she looks like, but I don't think I did. It didn't rattle me at all, which was good. Thank God the Bible is full of screw-ups like me. Moses killed a guy. Maybe with a trident - we don't know.



Anyway, so far I haven't had any spiritual epiphanies, visions or the like. I'm hoping it'll come later. I keep getting this feeling that something is going to happen, but I'm afraid to say it out loud because I'll feel like a fool if nothing does, or worse, I'll discredit God somehow if I talk about what a great thing He's going to do and He doesn't do anything I recognize, so I'm forced to say he didn't do anything. I think if I don't fast "properly" than it won't work and I'll just be starving myself, which is just stupid. But if I didn't believe it might help me figure out a way I can serve God in some way (or at least feel like I'm doing something and not just existing without feeling like I'm not doing what He calls me to do, whatever that is. I've felt it before, man. I (think I )know what it feels like to be smack in the middle of God's will - why is it so damn easy to fall off the track? It feels like I'm walking along a path and I can't see my feet, and there's no real clear indication of when you're off of it. I want to do this, though - I really am searching. I know you're supposed to fast and pray quietly and not make a show out of it or draw a lot of attention to yourself in the process. I don't think I am, but I'd hate to think I've already messed this up and blown whatever God may have been going to send my way because I told you folks (and a few others) about it, mostly to ask you folks to pray for me.

I feel like I'm just wasting space some (OK - most) days, except for my wife and daughter.

On that note, last week when I got to hold Baby M for just a few moments it made my heart ache. She was so small. I miss my little girl, man. I miss her every day, and I miss holding her and seeing her every single day, and tucking her into her bed every night. I mean, imagine not seeing your own kids every night. It never goes away, man; that hurt comes from getting a divorce and losing seeing your kid every day. I miss those days of holding her close when she was a baby. You parents that get to see your kids every day - appreciate every single second of the time that you have with them, and thank God that you get to see them every day. I try to stay busy or distracted so I don't think about it to much, but sometimes when all the lights are off and there's no noise and you don't have anything else to distract you, that missing and that sense of loss can't be ignored anymore, and you have to face that pain again. Maybe that's another reason I can't sleep.

I did win $115 at the super bowl party on some kind of point-matching game I didn't understand when I made my wager. That's good news - Oscar gets fixed this week, and we have plenty of money for food and some other bills we need to pay. And I have a Daddy/Daughter Dance on Saturday I'm taking my daughter to, come hell or high water.

I think I might go read Jeremiah, or whatever he wrote in the Bible. Apparently he liked to moan and wail, much like like I do. Evidently he was depressed a lot. I can relate, I think.

OK - it's 7:24 now. I don't know what to do.

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I've already prayed. Maybe I'll just do that again. I don't know.

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