Today wasn't completely unproductive, though it was pretty close. I haven't gone to bed yet, though I think I might here in a few. I showered, shaved and brushed my teeth and felt better afterwards, and I applied for two jobs online I think I would be good at and that probably wouldn't be eliminated anytime soon. If anything happens with them I'll let you guys know. I made myself out a schedule to better manage my time, and I'm going to try to stick to it as best I can. If I do, though, I get up in about two hours.
So far the worst part is a caffeine headache from not drinking any sodas. I'm hungry but not overly so. I've gone this long without eating before, so thus far it seems OK.
I don't know what to pray for, so I haven't - not really. I haven't eaten anything, though - just water. I've slept a lot, which I probably needed to do anyway.
Toni and I have been given an opportunity to get away for a few days, and I think I might take it as soon as I get these horribly late orders shipped out. I also found out that the Daddy/Daughter Dance at church is on Friday and not on Saturday, like I originally thought. That would have been terrible to miss that.
I guess that's it for today, guys. I have almost nothing to report, but I figured I'd better write something. Toni has been keeping the same rotten hours I've been keeping, and I feel guilty about that, like it's my fault somehow. I'm trying to get her to eat, too, but she isn't eating as much as I wish she would. She says she's just eating normally, though, so apparently this is what it looks like when I (don't) eat, which isn't good.
It's cold outside, which I don't like.
Ugh - forget it. I got nothin' else today. I wish I did - I wish God would say something really big, or I wish I was listening better. I don't know why I don't feel any different, or why I'm not listening better. Part of me feels like I'm not listening at all, and that I'm just making myself hungry for nothing. I'd like to report something BIG or some kind of revelation, but so far I'm just tired and have a headache, and I still don't know what I ought to be doing for God.
I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING, ya know? I feel like I need to be serving SOMEHOW, and I feel like I'm not. I feel like I should be working HARDER for God. I feel like I should be SERVING Him more than I am. I feel like I'm not working hard enough for God, that I can do MORE. I haven't made my peace with just letting God love me, maybe. I feel like I ought to WANT to be giving something back, and that's what all the recovery stuff says, too. I 'm afraid I'll slide backwards if I'm not serving somehow, but I have to admit I hate 90% of the ways I feel like "good Christians" serve. I don't like working in the nursery, or filling the seat backs with programs or stacking chairs or setting up tables or directing traffic, though those are all good and necessary things - it feels like WORK to me, and shouldn't you have JOY in your hearts when you're serving God? It seems to me if you're serving God from your heart, you ought to be joyful doing it.
I can't find that joyful thing, except for working medical stuff on a mission trip that one time, and I got bounced from ever doing that again, so that's gone. I want THAT feeling again, or at least something that makes me experience that same joy again. And it seems like it should be something I do every day, or at least every week, ya know? I want to feel like I'm helping somebody; like I'm making an actual difference in somebody's life.
Damn, man - I have such a NEED to rescue, protect and help people. I'm hardwired that way, man. I mean - look at what I dropped out of college to do. EMT. Cop. I even view my bouncer job as protecting the folks in the bar (several of whom I have a lot of sympathy & empathy for, because I've been where they are so many times) from the bad guys that go in - to me that feels real, and I derive joy from protecting people.
I NEED to help people in danger, man. How can I do that for God? Hell - He knows that there are people that are in danger of a whole shitpot of things. Divorce, Porn. Abuse. Drugs. Addictions. Homeless. Broke. Why can't I help THOSE people? Where is the group of guys that goes out and helps THOSE people?
That's what I want to be doing, man- I want to help THOSE people, especially the ones that the church drops between the cracks, like I was, or that folks don't want to touch because they're too messed up or dirty or in some kind of mess that that people don't want to get involved in.
Where do I sign up for that, man? Where's the enemy I can fight? Where are the people I can save? Where are the people I can help in God's name? Where are the people that Jesus would have been trying to find? That's what I want to do.
That's what I want to do - help those folks that Jesus would have gone after; those that get left out, left behind, and left in the dark - people like me. How can I do that, for real?
I'm gonna go pray for help - maybe that'll work.
13 comments:
I don't like working in the nursery, or filling the seat backs with programs or stacking chairs or setting up tables or directing traffic, though those are all good and necessary things - it feels like WORK to me, and shouldn't you have JOY in your hearts when you're serving God? It seems to me if you're serving God from your heart, you ought to be joyful doing it.
This paragraph bothers the stew out of me. You don't really think the guys that get up at the asscrack of dawn to set up chairs, or those that direct traffic in the parking lot, or those that stuff programs in the chairbacks do that week end and week out because they FREAKING LOVE STACKING CHAIRS, do you? 'Cuz I can speak from experience that they don't.
The ones that have it down are the ones that do it because they already have joy in their hearts. The job itself doesn't give them that joy. Christ dwelling in them does. The desire to serve Him and His church gets them up in the morning. Not some giddy feeling like they're going to get praised for their job.
I'm pretty certain you didn't mean any of the above. But I felt like I should say something just to make sure since it's sort of quiet in here. *(;=
Also, please allow me to suggest that the last couple blogs have skirted awful close to vending-machine-god thinking. Just because you're not eating for a couple days doesn't mean that He's going to speak to you, you know?
That is definitely not to say that fasting on occasion is a bad thing. Not at all. But I'd suggest that you can't expect that audible voice of God to come shining down with a cop job saving homeless babies from dragons at church because you want that, you know? "Thou shalt not test the Lord your God" eh? *(:=
Love ya, bro.
Yeah - that's pretty much it. I don't have the joy, I guess, and I'm hoping that if I can find a way to serve then I can get that joy back - make sense?
Or maybe I'm just overall feeling whupped and that's the problem. I don't know.
I know God's going to speak to me regardless, I was just hoping that the fasting would sharpen me up enough to hear it; not like I'm saying "Look at ME, God - I'm fasting, so you'd better talk." Plus I've never heard an audible voice or anything, so I don't anticipate one now.
Does that make sense?
I find the body-leads-the-emotions thought process pretty valid. I get that, and I think you're kosher on wanting to start doing (whatever) to kickstart the joy. That's fine.
I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING, ya know? I feel like I need to be serving SOMEHOW, and I feel like I'm not.
This part (and the other bit I quoted) is the part I don't get. If you really want to serve (which it sounds like you do) then go up to your church leadership and say "Hi. Put me to work." and they gratefully will.
You know what I mean? That's what I meant by the sorta hyperbolesque "cop job" silly statement above. Maybe He wants you doing something that you might not think you like to do yet.
Hell, you and I both know that He sometimes has plans for us that we don't want and/or think is bad for us. *q:=
You know, I had another thought. I hear what you're saying regarding wanting to help people who are currently experiencing things that you've gone through. I feel the same way sometimes.
Just as food for thought, maybe He didn't put you through all of that to minister to people by example all persecuted-prophet-like. Maybe He put you through it for the simple reason you needed to go through it in order to either let go of whatever or trust Him more, etc. So you could eventually joyfully serve Him via stacking chairs.
*q:=
People told me when I was going through a rough patch that maybe He put me through that so I could minister to others in that situation. So far I haven't found that to be the case, really. What I have found is it turned me more towards Him. He softened my heart in ways I can't express. Which I take to mean inching just that much closer to looking like the son He wants me to be.
And in that I take solace. In that I try to recognize further difficult situations - "as bad as this is, I wonder how He will use this to make me look just a teensy bit more like Christ."
Sorta like the blacksmith whackin' the crap out of the heated malleable iron on the anvil to make something really neat.
And I think that's pretty cool.
Hrmph. If I keep leaving page long comments, it might be useful to move this over to another discussion board. *q:=
Or, yes, I could leave shorter comments. But where's the fun in that?
I just had to post because the word verification is:
gravey.
And I agree with Brian. While you do indeed have a desire to minister to the hurting/addicted, that does not make that the only thing you can do.
Joy is not a product of something we do. It is a quality of being based upon your identity. That's the only way we can have joy in difficult circumstances.
And, as tired as this sounds, God speaks to us primarily (though not exclusively) though the Bible. Our failure to read it and talk to Him about what He says is the source of much of our spiritual frustration.
Yeah - I get that. I know God isn't going to drop down and give me a gig saving babies from burning orphanages. And for what it's worth, if I could something liek that anonymously I would. I don't want recognition for doing it, I just want to experience the joy I'd get for doing something that I'd feel like God wants me to do.
I get that I'm not a persecuted prophet, too. 99% of the crap that has happened to me is my own fault - I understand that.
I've never enjoyed reading the Bible, man. I never have. I feel like I've heard it all my life. I feel like I know what it says already. Whenever I pick it up I feel almost dread, like I'm about to fail again.
It sounds like I want the input without putting forth the effort, I know - but I feel like it doesn't work for me for some reason. I've tried praying beforehand that I get something out of it, but nothing seems to work.
What am I doing wrong?
I want to get that spiritual input
Wait, I know this one. Ouija boards. Or casting chicken bones!
*(:=
It would be awful nice when I sit down to pray to actually hear stuff back. Because a dialog in that manner would be way easier for me.
For what it's worth, I'm not a bible scholar myself either. It takes a lot of discipline for me to sit down and read. I don't know why. I just try to do it when I can do it and pray that it isn't a complete failing on my own part that I don't enjoy it. I think the 'trying' part is relatively important, though.
For me, it helps having some "other input" when I read. As in, either reading someone else's take (like a good CSLewis book and figuring how I fit in with that), a good study bible or even better: compadres that I'm studying in a group with. I find that when I talk stuff out (or hear others talk their own points of view out) it makes my own take on it really come alive. Which is sort of weird to me, as in other areas I'm pretty introverted. Maybe that'd help you? Just a thought.
What am I doing wrong?
Honestly, I think the answer is, "Asking this question."
It seems the assumption is, "I don't feel like God is speaking to/using me because I am doing something wrong that prevents Him from using me."
If God is waiting for us to do life right, or do spirituality right, or do reading the bible right, or whatever, before He gets involved... I think you know this though.
Don't judge your life against others. Some people go to the mission field, or teach congregations, or feed soup to lepers, etc. Some people stack chairs. If the only thing God wants you to do is stack chairs, then stacking chairs is the greatest thing you could possibly do, but here's the thing: how do you know until you can ask God to His face? God never says that we have to guess what specific task He wants us to do and if we guess wrong we're bad people. Just relax, wait for God to put you where He wants you in His time (and realize it may involve waiting. Moses waited 80 years). While you are waiting help people around you if you see that they need help. If the church doesn't have a job for you, then go do something on your own. God doesn't require you to punch an official church clock. Go mow you're neighbors yard or something, and if he asks you why you did something nice for him, tell him about Jesus. I think I'm rambling, but my point is don't make things too complicated, and don't think that you are such a big mess up that you can trip up God. You can't.
So wait - does this mean that I can just live my life and do for others as I can or as I feel led and that's OK?
I don't have to "find my niche" to serve in the church specifically?
Like if I just wanted to take a case of water and some blankets to some homeless folks on my own I could do that and that'd be OK?
My opinion? Of course. I believe we're called to serve. Period. Not to stack chairs specifically or save babies from fires but only if it's in the church. I think the Body is served when we serve. If the church needs someone to do X and you are able, then you should do X. If someone needs a blanket and you have a blanket, serve them that way. And (as Zach mentioned) if they ask why, just tell 'em about this guy you know named Jesus.
I think Zach is right - His plan for you isn't going to be messed up because you don't think you're doing what He has scheduled for you today. But you *are* supposed to be looking for what He wants you to do today. Be it providing blankets or stacking chairs.
Find something and do it with the intention of serving Him and do it to the best of the abilities He has given you.
I think this applies all over, too. Example: I do all sorts of small things for my girl. Things she probably wouldn't ever notice. But He does and He knows my heart is doing something to serve her. And I think that counts.
I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or not.
But basically, yeah. I mean, don't check out of the church, obviously. And if there is somewhere that the church organization needs that you can do, then sure, go do it.
Did you ever read Bruchko? Basically, it's a true story about a guy named Bruce Olson who wanted to do mission work, but every mission organization said he wasn't qualified, so he just went on his own without an official Christian organization backing him. He succeeded in bringing Christ to many unreached tribes in south america because God was with him even when the "church" wasn't. Anyway, it was a good read.
So yeah. Serving God might not be serving in the local church group, or even in an official organization. It's is John 6:29 (29 Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.") and you can throw in James 1:27 (Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.) If someone can find a verse that says, "Make sure you find a place to volunteer at your local church," please post it, but I haven't seen one.
"I don't have to "find my niche" to serve in the church specifically? "
Yes and no. My eye doesn't worry too much if it fits in. It just does what eyes do. But it fits, it has a niche. So do you. You ARE a part of the Body of Christ, the church. And so you have a niche. As you are involved in the body, that will be made more clear to you. What will that look like? I have no idea. But being a part of the Body is vital.
Also no. The Body exists in the world. So do you. God made us to love and serve and interact with people who don't know Him. How else will they know about Him if we don't tell them?
As to your not liking the Bible. How do you approach it? What do you think the purpose of reading it is? Are you starting with Genesis and just reading?
You said, "I feel like I know what it says already. Whenever I pick it up I feel almost dread, like I'm about to fail again."
You know what other people have told you it says. But you don't know. If you knew what it says you would want to read it more. You love God. But if you dread reading his word, you might ask yourself why that is.
Post a Comment