Toni and I went to Sonic today for a snack, and when I told her to get whatever she wanted she sang this to me. This isn't funny at all unless you've heard the song. They play it at the club, ad nauseaum.
Not much to report today, really. Recovery is still a process, and I still have to watch myself when there's lots of pretty girls around. Fortunately, none are as beautiful as Toni, so it's not as bad as it used to be.
I was telling Toni last night how I'm enjoying getting accustomed to her, which sounds odd. But it's like this - when I'm with somebody for a while, I start to love how they look - does that make sense? And now, the only person I really want to look at or think about is Toni. It's like you get your spouse groove all worked out and you quit wanting anybody else because you're truly happy with what you've got. I'm sure this is quite an obvious thing to the rest of you, but it's the first time it's really happened to me. It's the first time I was ever really 100% committed - heart, body (for real, man) and MIND (that's a big one) to one person with0out letting a lot of other things serve as distractions & rob us of the intimacy that we're supposed to be sharing. This time, there's not the profound, secretive theft occurring, and I couldn't be happier about it.
And tonight, we went out on an actual date, which was glorious & sorely needed. It's exactly our third date since we've been married, which is a little sad, but it sure was fun. More dates need to be in the future, I think, though Toni has been quite understanding about the difficulty of getting to go on one for the past several months.
Something else, too. Last night when I was taking a shower, I realized that I've started to forget stuff. You know - stuff. Like other people. Stuff I remembered that I desperately wanted to forget - like how they feel, how they look, things I've done with them (yeah - I'm talking about that). You know....stuff. Stuff that's ended up being bad stuff, painful stuff, sometimes heartbreaking stuff, stuff I was afraid would haunt me forever, unhealthy stuff. But last night, under that streaming jet of warm water, I realized that I couldn't remember a few things that used to haunt me, and I was thankful to God for finally starting to take those memories away from me. And they're not right for me to have anymore, either, ya know? That's stuff that was never really mine to begin with - does that make sense? In a very real way, I feel like I stole from somebody else, and I don't want to feel like I'm in possession of something that belongs to another man, 'cause that's how I feel about many of those memories. And I certainly don't want to be carrying them into my marriage now. I'm grateful to God for restoring me a little more each day.
Hah - a long time ago, I taught a sophomore guy's Bible study. I was a closet addict already, in denial about my problems, and was really good at playing church. One of the guys in the group, a raging smart ass to be sure (a scrawny guy names Wes, whom I really came to like) said that they wanted to do the book of Job, which is a long-ass book, but a really good one about suffering.
So.....God has a sense of humor, doesn't He? I'll bet those guys don't remember a darn thing I ever taught 'em, but I sure remember what I learned trying to be ready teach them. I mean, not only is it proof that God can use a broken, pretty fake person to do some of His work, despite the inherent flaws in the vessel, but His word is so good that He can even use it to sustain (and renew) that messed up vessel for a long time to come. Even now, as I continue to go through a bunch of crap - there a line in Job that I'll stick to.
"Because even if He (God) killed me, I'd keep on hoping."
- Job 13:15
And I know there's more to the verse than that, and there's a lot more to the story, so don't get all pissy and tell me I'm taking it out of context, blah blah blah. I know Job is protesting his innocence, etc, and I'm not innocent like Job, blah blah blah. But I'm focusing on Job's faith - the unfailing faith that he has, even up until the very end, faith that remains unshaken, faith that God's going to take care of Job in the end. That faith sustains him, like I'm hoping it sustains me. Wow - I sound like my brother a little, huh? Not such a bad thing, I don't think.
And if that doesn't work for you, there's a line from the movie An Officer and a Gentleman. - "I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to....I got nothin' else." (said in a frustrated scream, while at the absolute end of your rope)
Anyway, that's it for tonight. I was also gonna make a metaphor about God's constant forgiveness being like taking a shower and how it washes you off and cleans you up everyday, but I'll save that one. I think I've said it before anyway.
See you guys tomorrow.
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