Last night I didn't get home until 4 AM, and then I expected to get up early and get some work done. As you can imagine, I failed. I did make a quick $50 in cash, though, which we've been using to eat on. Food is always nice. I am gonna blow a $1 bill on a Lotto ticket tonight, though. I figure the worst thing that can happen is that my luck stays the same and I don't win. I can live with that.
Last night I realized something that I'm continuing to struggle with. It's a tricky concept for me to explain to my own satisfaction, to please bear with me while I muddle through it.
In both Pathways and Recovery, we learn that generally, people act in ways that hurt others because they're either hurting themselves or because it's all they know. Often, this tends to free us up from holding resentments against them, which is always good for us. We also learn to establish the proper, healthy and necessary boundaries to protect ourselves from the hurtful actions of others, whether they're intentional or not, and neither give nor receive animosity in the process. It's a healthy (and I believe Godly) way to live. No problem there.
My problem is this: while I can intellectually establish those proper, healthy and necessary boundaries, emotionally I struggle with it. I have a strong tendency to focus on the other person, giving them every benefit of the doubt that I can, whether or not it's harmful to me or others, and that's not a healthy thing.
I don't have a good, solid solution (that works for me) on this. Perhaps this is why emotions are messy, and maybe one of the reasons why the Bible says that the human heart is deceitful above all things. I don't know if time will heal this particular issue (or wound, whatever you want to call it) or if it'll fester more as the months go by unless I resolve this inner struggle that still causes some emotional conflict. I know emotions are healthy followers but lousy leaders, and as much as I'd like to say otherwise my feelings and emotions still don't always respond to logic, will, spiritual guidance, or anything else. Feelings don't respond well - if at all - to being told what to do.
So, because of this, I have to step out of denial (which is good) and acknowledge that I have this emotional stumbling block that I am unsure how to get around., and I feel like I'm going to have until I get some answers.....
....probably from a professional, because I'm thinking myself in circles on this one, which keeps me up at night and takes time away from others that need my time. I don't have the one answer that kills the conflict dead in it's tracks, which I'd like to see.
Maybe I can spend a little of this newly found bouncer money on another trip to the therapist and she can help get me through what I can't get through by myself, no matter how hard I try.
Anyway, that's where I am today. Phooey.
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3 comments:
You are too hard on yourself, Ian. I'm not saying you don't have stuff to work through, but you cannot expect to go to sleep at 4:30 and get up before late morning. Few humans can do that.
Few humans can sort through their emotions either. Especially Irish. We're emotional. Which, when in its place, leads to impassioned people. When not, I reckon we're just depressed.
You may want to just meet with a pastor at your church for free. Might help you sort some things out. They get paid to do that.
It's good that you recognize it if you feel like you do it too much.
I feel like (like C.S. Lewis said) that sin is a perversion of Something Good. And I think that what you're describing is at its core Something Good called 'Grace'.
Obviously it's an excellent character trait to be gracious - you and I know how valuable His Grace is. And it's Good to show that to other people.
But when you do that to the detriment of other important peoples... yeah, that's something else.
I suffer from the same problem you're describing. Except the other side of it. heh. Is something I work on - giving more grace.
You'll find the middle ground, bro. Just recognizing it is a great start.
I feel your pain. I think there is a part of you (I mean the hypothetical you, as in, "You know when...) That thinks that you ought to be able to be kind and gracious helpful to everyone, and it hurts us that we can't because of what other people will do with our good intentions. I want to believe that everyone in the world has the best intentions. I don't want to be a sinner. I don't want to live in a world full of sinners. It scares me.
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